Aspie males: has your wife/gf called you abusive?

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Even though those of us with ASD/HFA (f.k.a. Aspergers ) tend to be blunt, lacking expressive empathy in the "normal" sense, and not picking up unspoken clues, I don't objectively believe this amounts to abusive behaviour which really requires conscious intent. Yet more than once in the past, before I met my understanding wife of many years (who occasionally accused me of mental/emotional abuse), I did get this assumption from females I dated. I also recall perusing some anecdotes on the web about women at their wit's end over their abusive Aspie partner. But these tended to have a darker undertone, that the Aspie man could be somewhat nasty, short-fused, passive-aggressive and disagreeable or dismissive of concerns, etc. While I don't believe these are traits of ASD/HFA per se - and I have been down this "dark" path before but not to the point of criminality - they do tend to reflect some sort of resentment in many of us that we've been mistreated before by others, so we feel some subconscious (or even unconscious) need to "get back" at others, like to pay it forward negatively, or that we didn't get justice over someone who wronged us in some way, we harbour some of that negative energy with us - albeit not always expressed in the right context. As a loose analogy, it's like a dog that was abused in a couple of homes, then found another loving home but then the dog is already "damaged goods", he will growl and snarl and bark at an owner just being a good owner.

But then I hear about all these abusive "normal" males, like alcoholics, military-type alpha males, sports addicts, and the like. THEY actually engage in criminally abusive behaviour that goes well beyond any standard of decency that most of us have. Trouble is, I think society in general (and vulnerable or low self esteem women in particular) tend to rationalize this behaviour as "normal", whereas our negativity is more regarded as somewhat pathetic or indicative of a weirdo or a (former) incel/loser or whatever pejorative.

Abusive behavior does not necessarily require conscious intent, just like prejudice and discrimination aren’t always conscious.

If multiple people have said that your behavior was abusive, then that’s a pretty good sign that you need to change your behavior. Even people on the Spectrum can change their behaviors. Most male Aspies don’t have this problem.

As a female Aspie, I don’t have this problem.

If it’s just one person calling you abusive, it’s possible that that person was trying to gaslight you but if several women have mentioned it, then the problem is definitely you and you need to work on it to improve your relationships.

There’s absolutely no excuse for abuse.

A lack of emotional empathy can be considered emotional abuse by some NT.
Acting like you have some kind of special knowledge that no one else has can be detrimental to your relationship. A NT person can only take so much of this and there are many AS who are divorced because they wouldn't make a change in their behavior.
If many people have told you something is wrong with your behavior it is best to take their word for it even if you don't understand it or can not see it. Mindbindness is what many AS suffer from and can prevent you from seeing what is wrong.

I only want the best for you If you have a good understanding wife work with her many AS are never blessed with finding a understand spouse don't ruin it

You know what the issue is which is half the battle now you just need to make the change.

I've been accused in the past of being cold, unfeeling or uncaring.

That being said, I've spent my childhood and youth around people who had a "short fuse" and were either violent or passive-aggressive, manipulative etc and swore to myself I'll never, ever become like them. I've learnt self-control and that, along with the autism sometimes leads people to believe I have no feelings and I often don't express my emotions "properly" (conventionally).

My wife never accused me or implied I'm being abusive - because I'm not and also because I've married an intelligent, compassionate woman who also has plenty of common sense and a sense of humour. I still choose to mask a lot in public, but when I let my hair down, I'm blunt, politically incorrect and an iconoclast. My wife knew who I was when she married me (undiagnosed) and appreciates it as it is, she never saw me as a "project".

But the few people I love and trust, I also respect and value, so I treat them accordingly: I would never lash out at them or dump my frustrations on them, I guess it makes a difference compared to my young, angry and bitter self.

This is the same for me. My ex threw the word 'abusive' around whenever she couldn't get her way. If I could not afford to take a week off to drive 500 miles to her BFF's wedding, she called it abusive. If I used reason and logic to explain anything, she called it abusive. If I refused to work overtime to have a bigger Christmas party than her sister, then she called it abusive. If I had to work night shift and overtime to pay off her credit cards while she sat at home and watched TV, she called it abusive.

Keep in mind that she was also bipolar and an alcoholic. I still have scars from when she attacked me.

This caught my eye: every so often women sign up here with horror stories about their "suspected AS" boyfriends or husbands. If I'm around I always talk to them in a civilised manner, trying to explain that their partners need an actual diagnosis to qualify as being on the spectrum and also try to clarify that whatever abusive behaviour these men are engaging in is not caused by autism. I think staying calm and rational pays off, because along the years I've got quite a number of PMs from such women thanking for the help and even apologising for any lines they might have crossed or assumptions they might have made.

Yeah, I remember the story of your first marriage, you suffered a lot of abuse, both emotional and even physical - at least you hit gold the second time

Paradoxically, it turned out to be my luck to be so cynical and paranoid in my youth, I married late and chose very, very carefully. I didn't commit easily and with former LTR I was out the door the second time I would hear anything of that kind.

In answer to the thread title question: No she hasn't. Nor has any woman in any previous relationship I've been in.

I notice those treads too & I really appreciate you taking the time to try & explain that to them & am really glad it pays off. In past some threads got locked because arguments start between Aspies & the OP. The Aspies insist they're not abusive & the OP insist they are & they go round in circles. I really wish more members would try to take the time to learn & explain things instead of just getting defensive & argumentative.


I've been accused of being abusive by my mom before cuz she never really understood all my issues & wasn't even fully aware of some of them. She was frustrated as hell with me for being so dependent & not having my own life. & I was frustrated as hell for not being understood & not having my needs met in the rite way. This caused LOTS of tension & caused us to fight alot & say lots of mean things to each other. I admit I was very abuse but it's because I was trapped in an environment that was very wrong for me.

^
Yeah, I also disagree with the myth that autistic men are abusive, just as I disagree with the myth that they are paragons of logic and fairness. It can happen just like with NTs, but it seems to be caused by more or less the same reasons non-autistic people are abusive. At most, those on the spectrum would be at a higher risk for misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations on both sides. At least those are situations that can be resolved if there's a will from both partners.

And I'm glad you're doing better, being caught in an unsuitable or toxic environment can be hell and there are quite a few people here who still struggle with it.

^ Some women seem to believe that the "Spock-Like" affect of an aspie male is itself abusive. Just keeping a straight face and a monotone voice is abusive to someone who is trying to provoke you into an emotional reaction to their nagging, whining, and complaints.

Using such "logic", anybody could be considered abusive for whatever reason

It's challenging, I would settle for an aspie at least trying to understand the NT's need for emotional response/ support and accepting some accountability during a dispute. Also the NT must understand the aspies' adhesion to logic and black and white thinking. They must both work to find a common language. Whining is an expression of pain, look past it and see the pain. Aspies are not heartless but unless they verbalise or put in writing the depth of their caring it seems to others that they don't give a s..t.

I fully agree with the need for communication, accountability and making an effort to see the other person's POV. But also keep in mind that not all NT (women) see lack of emotional expression as lack of emotion and I speak from experience (if I tell my wife I'm upset or in pain, she believes me, no matter how my face looks at the time and because we've been together for a long time I can tell what her facial expressions or body language mean in different situations). There are plenty of introverted or reserved people and in all fairness, Fnord mentioned a deliberate intention to provoke, so I guess it's up to both partners to express their emotions and emotional needs in a grown-up way.

As a side note, my wife never whines or nags, she just tells me directly when something is wrong.

And there lies the crux of the matter.  There is a HUGE difference between "I'm FINE! Just FINE! Why wouldn't I be FINE?! Everything is FINE!" and "Honey ... you embarrassed me tonight ...".

I am so happy that you and your wife understand each other. I have also reached this level of communication with some of my aspie friends. It really is about caring enough to find out what the other needs and how to decode what is difficult and different to your own emotional default.
Sweet of you to defend Fnord. No need, I love the grumpy grizzly. I understand he is speaking from his heart but he uses the word "whining" frequently.