Does my Aspie crush have romantic feelings for me?

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I can't believe I am actually making one of those posts that asks a general audience of strangers to weigh in on whether my Aspie crush has feelings for me, but here I am, doing it.

I haven't been around for a while (since last year). I posted a bit, then I took a hiatus from online things, choosing to focus my energy on work, working out, and meditating. In order to make sense of all things psychosocial, like many Aspies, I turn to Google for insight and answers. However, I am finding a frustrating lack of deep insight into the Aspie male mind and that's when I remembered this site.

In brief: I met a male whom I am certain is on the spectrum (high-functioning) in the Summer of 2018. We met on Tinder of all places and had about 7/8 dates (which is a record for me since my divorce 10 years ago) when I realized he was not giving our dating the importance I was, and he was still seeking out and dating other women. He had never asked me to be exclusive in that 5 weeks period of time, I just assumed he would be because that's how I felt. Anyway, once I realized he WAS still seeing other women, he apologized and seemed legitimately affected to have hurt me. You see, he was a 48 year old bachelor who had always lived a single life as a firefighter, and it seemed doubtful he was going to change his playful ways for me. I cried a few tears and walked out his door as soon as I found out, parting as gracefully as I could, but letting him clearly know that I was not into casual dating, flings, or other such nonsense: I was interested in a relationship only, and he knew that. He really didn't know much about me, but we have a mutual close couple friend (which we discovered on our first date) and we have a ton of things in common, not the least of which is being autistic (I don't think he realizes he is autistic, but I have told him I am, and that I am pretty sure he is too lol). We have this non-verbal communication between us that is really awesome. I think it's that as Aspies we don't need to use a lot of words to relate with each other, we just get each other. Does that make sense? He is probably an ESTP and I am an INTP, if you know personality typing. He seems like a loner, but he skiis with friends, and is a crew boss. He is very alpha male.

He began contacting me again in the Winter last year via text: Just reaching out and inquiring how I was doing, offering to help me move, asking about my new house, etc. I always responded in a friendly, warm way but he never asked me on a real date. But I noted that his tone and approach with me was more respectful than it had been the year prior. Then last June 2019 he finally asked if he could see me and I invited him over to my new house. We sat on the porch and he drank wine and I drank iced tea. It lasted a couple of hours. He was intensely nervous around me. I assume it was because of what had partaken the last time we had seen each other....but he had asked for my forgiveness way back then and I had forgiven him. As a Christian I take forgiveness seriously. The next day he invited me to go shooting and he was still nervous and did not talk much, but I babbled on like an idiot (I guess due to nervousness) for most of our date. I hated myself later for that, and wondered if I had pushed him away talking too much because I didn't get another date, though he did occasionally text me......But on both days, he gave me this really long (uncomfortable) hug that he had never really done before. It felt like remorse for how he had treated me, perhaps. Or maybe it was happiness over seeing me again? He is as bad at eye contact as I am....and there was absolutely no kissing attempts which I was pleased about, because I have to know he is interested in ME, not wanting to just play me. I have to build that trust back up, and I know he gets that.

I finally saw him again last weekend. He reached out to me a couple weeks ago and casually (his usual way) asked me 'what are you doing?' and I was working that day. We texted back and forth a bit, but he didn't actually ask me out. So frustrating!! Then another two weeks go by, and I hear my phone beep with his custom text tone while on my way to see a patient (I am a home health nurse). It was Friday morning. We texted back and forth a bit and he finally said, 'Well, let me know if you would like to get together this weekend'. That was the way he asked me out lol. I said, 'I would like to get together with you this weekend'. He said, 'Okay, what works best for you, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?' I said, 'How about tomorrow (Saturday)?' And he responded, *thumbs up* sign and that was it. No plans, no nada. You must understand that this was like music to my ears!! The reason being he had never much planned a date in advance with me before. It was usually always very spontaneous. My friends were all like telling me to call him and pin him down on plans and time and what we were going to do for our date. But I had no desire to do any of that. I like the idea of waiting on him to come up with the plan as he sees fit, it's kind-of titillating to be patient and follow his lead. Finally, we connected on Saturday: He came over to my house and brought food with him which he had prepared (from Costco, but he had prepared it in advance in his own dish, etc), and white wine. The only place we have gone 'out' was to the woods shooting, which has happened on several dates. Otherwise, he prefers to stay home and visit, and I am okay with that, because I like getting to know him better without distractions. The Google internet world would say this is a red flag, that he doesn't see me as a serious relationship because he doesn't take me on a 'serious' date. I'm not sure what to make of that...

He stayed over about 4 hours, from 5:30 to 9:45. We talked about a myriad of subjects and I played my go-to fav Pandora station on my TV, which he really liked. He said, "I will have to listen to that at home," and for some reason that felt super intimate to me. Is that weird? After about 2.5 hours in, he returned from a bathroom break and I was standing near the table. He pulled me in next to him and gently kissed me which felt like heavenly bliss. His kiss was so perfect I literally could not tell where his lips ended and mine began. He and I connected so perfectly together (as we had our first summer together). Of course, we had been very physical in the very beginning, but that was now 1.5 years ago.....and we hadn't kissed since. I was overwhelmed, but I whispered to him that I liked him, that I thought he was super handsome and brave, and that I had missed him. He pretty much just seemed to soak it all up. The handsome/brave part made him smile and he said that made him feel good. I told him his kiss was better than I remembered and that I had been waiting since last Summer (when we had gone shooting) for it, and that it was worth the wait. I guess time and distance was like a truth serum for me. I just never know when/if I will ever see this amazing man again, and I feel so close to him after all this time and our experiences together, that it just felt right to say these things to him. He basically seemed frozen while we embraced, like he couldn't move. He kissed me great, but his body was frozen. What is that? Fear? Discomfort? Anyway, we made out a while and the moment passed and it was followed up by more talking, eating, and drinking until he excused himself and took his leave. He only hugged me goodbye, no more kisses for some reason. But on the way out the door he said, "We will do this again soon" or something along those lines. Oh, he also fixed my bathroom light which was kinda messed up and I really appreciated that. And he had asked me for my opinion about what I thought about him making his own deer sausage versus having it processed. He said he needed to give me some of his sausage left over from last year, as he knows how much I love it. Little things like this happened all evening to where it felt like he was thinking about me in his future a bit.

He texted me when he got home, 'Thank you for the company'. And I responded. That was 9 days ago now. Is he interested in me for reals, or is he just liking that I am a good occasional companion for him? I am really interested in what you have to say. Thanks in advance for your thoughts and for reading such a long emo post lol.

We cannot remotely ‘diagnose’ your situation based solely on your observations. You would be better off to ask your ‘crush’ personally.

Yes, that is an appropriate, and typical, response. You say, 'We'. Does that mean you speak for all the members of Wrong Planet? Just wondering...thanks.

Hmm, I think it s difficult to give you a definitive answer because every situation can be different.
I tend to fall back on what most people do when they really like another person and that is keep in contact with them and be with them.
Lots of aspies need space to themselves but if he is really into you, no matter whether he is aspie or not, I think he is going to make that crystal clear given that you have been quite clear about the way you feel.
Has he said he is not dating anyone else now? Have you asked? If you don't make any demands he can assume it doesn't matter to you. Set your boundaries and then be true to yourself.

Thanks so much for your response. It's funny how hearing someone else say something makes you more able to comprehend it yourself.

You know, as the days click by and he doesn't contact me, I realize that instead of being so much a passive participant, I should become more proactive about not settling for behaviors that don't align with what I like and who I am. For example, I know that I want to only be with a man who will text me every day, at least to say hi, not just sporadically. I also need to be able to talk about religion and politics--my two favorite subjects--and he seems to avoid those, possibly because he has a different world view. I am very open about being a conservative Christian, yet he mentioned nothing about Trump or Jesus in our last date of four hours. Is that what I want? Possibly a Bernie bruh who identifies as a Buddhist?? (which is what he has told me in the past) I would lose all respect for him at this point if he told me that (which may be why he didn't bring it up). Do I want someone who doesn't want to go do fun things with me, like hot springs and road trips? What is he doing in all the spaces between contacting and seeing me? He is doing something (or someone)--just not me.

I am not okay with any of that. I am a loving woman with a lot to offer. I guess he likes me, just not 'enough'. And the truth is, as I am coming out of the fog of irrational desire and serotonin kisses, I see he is probably not truly compatible with me. If he were, wouldn't he say it? Wouldn't he show it? He would. But if he lacks the cojones to say it, maybe I should say it.....I'm just not sure how or when. Do I broach it on the next date? Lol, I have a strong nerdy urge to write out a list of must-haves and go down the list, ticking off his answers. Then tallying it up and telling him the score. That is how I want to manage this situation that he has largely contrived. Then be like, "Oh, I see we are compatible on the big things, so I can continue to see you if you like". Or, "Oh, I see we are not compatible on the big things, so I can be friends with you, but I don't really see a future for us".

It is hard to stay strong and demand to be treated like you matter. Some insincere people are very very good at manipulating the sweethearts looking for love.
It's not much fun waiting and waiting for someone to share just a small bit of their time with you and then disappear again.
Hope you find someone who is truly there for you : ).

Another date planned!

So yesterday I got to thinkin' about how my guy is kind-of avoidant, pretty Aspie, and a bit of a loner. I have also gleaned that he is not that into communicating via media, judging by his sparse and succinct texts, and lack of willingness to ever talk on the phone. I think he has talked on the phone with me 2, maybe 3, times and all of those in the very beginning of our dating. He does, however, use a lot of emojis with me to relay feeling, which is pretty effective. Sometimes his texts only contain emojis, usually when he is trying to finish up a texting conversation.

Anyway, all that to say that I was thinking about how maybe not 100% of guys are really able/willing to chase a girl in the way a girl would like: frequency-wise and quality-wise. Maybe there are 5-10% of men who really WANT a relationship, or like a particular girl, but are literally unable to make it happen (I have read accounts online of men saying this very thing). And if there is a sector of men like this, I think my guy would likely fall into it. He has not yet relayed any feelings to me, but seems to really like it when I speak of feelings to him (and keeps coming around, even though we are not being physical).

I felt like God was putting in my heart for a moment a bit of sympathy to his situation in that it must be very difficult for him to be pursuer 100% of the time. I think men being pursuer is ideal. I think men are wired that way, for the most part. But what of older men who have known loneliness their whole lives? What of sensitive men who have had their heart broken by one or more women? What of men who have given their vigor for a woman who has taken it and not reciprocated? What of men who have seasonal jobs or jobs which call them away from home so often that it is very difficult to maintain a relationship? Maybe this kind of man WOULD NOT be able to properly pursue a woman due to faulty circuitry from the effects of a hard life and having their hearts broken.

Then I got to thinking about how if that is the case, and I were to be equitable and contribute 50% of the effort of courtship, what would that look like? He made all the effort two weeks ago. Well, it would look like me offering to make dinner or ask him to go do something. Then I remembered how much I dislike cooking anymore, and that I really love eating out. Then this overwhelming urge came over me to text him and ask him out to one of my favorite restaurants. So I did, yesterday. He responded immediately with a yes. We texted back and forth a bit, and I left the ball in his court to get back to me with the day he felt like going. I wanted to not be too pushy, you see. Well, all day today I was super nervous about it all. My friends at work were all telling me I should have told him the date and time. But I am like, nah, that feels like begging to me. I want him to be an active participant in choosing the when, which also helps me know how into it he is.

I was starting to feel kind of forlorn and cranky around the time I was getting off work today because I still hadn't heard from him and I began to fear he wasn't that interested. But then a few minutes later he texted to ask when I wanted to go out this weekend, stating he 'was flexible' on the day. I think that's a really good sign!! It also tells me he isn't trying to get with other girls because he has an open, flexible window for me. Sigh. Feels so good.

So we made a date for tomorrow afternoon (my idea) because I couldn't get reservations until 9pm. Since I don't want to overwhelm either one of us by too much togetherness in the beginning, I decided 3 hours before dinner, 1.5 hours during dinner, and maybe an hour after dinner was an appropriate amount of time to share. After all, taking it slow is important and necessary for a good foundation, if this is going to turn into a relationship. I think we all learn as we go through life that savoring things and taking them slow is advantageous and much sweeter. Learning someone new takes a LOT of energy, and we each need time to process everything we are able to take in. Sensory overload is real in that I am so hyper-focused on certain things, that I can only take in so much new information at a setting. I am a super slow processor. And I think he is the same. We spent 4 hours together on our last date, so they are progressively getting longer. Since reuniting (after our first intense summer), we spent 2 hours together, then like 3 or so hours together, then 4, now it will be 5 to 6. I am trying to be intentional and thoughtful about everything so I limit my chances at making a stupid mistake.

So, yeah, that's how it's going. Of course I will update after tomorrow's date, probably Sunday.

Any new thoughts? Anyone?

~Peace

For the Aspie men out there: I wonder what is going through his mind in this 24 hour window before our date? I also worry that I hurt his feelings by suggesting we get together in the late afternoon versus earlier in the day, just a hunch of the way he responded when I told him I wasn't planning on going over til later in the day (may be my imagination as well). I sense that he feels rejected easily....and is sensitive in that way.

You. Need. To. Talk. To. HIM.

You do indeed need to talk to him.

I went through something similar with an aspie guy. I thought he just needed space. He wasn't as affectionate as your guy. I couldn't work out if he just didn't like being touched or if he didn't fancy me that much. It was very confusing, because the way he would look at me was with such longing.

So he would get in touch every-so-often and arrange to meet up. We would have fun. He seemed to really, really like me. He would stare at me like a lost puppy. But never did ask me out officially. Never did solidify anything.

Fast forward. I find he's seeing someone else. And he is totally different with her. Wants to be seen with her. Wants people to know he's with her.

He never was serious about me. I was just an amusement in the interim.

Dating is difficult. When no one shows any interest in you at all and then suddenly someone shows a you this little bit, it means the world to you, when in reality, to them, it's only a little bit of nice company to pass the time until they meet someone they really want. Women who get a lot of attention would just move on from these wishy-washy guys because they know something better is around the corner and they don't have time to waste. But for those of us who get no interest these players get too much of our time because it's special to us; we have no one to move on to. This is all we have. And I don't think these guys are even aware of that. They don't understand how much it hurts because they can just easily find someone else and they think we can too and it's all a bit of fun for everyone... when it's not.

We are the Borg.

Oh the thing about feeling like you're getting feelings of sympathy in your heart about his situation. Be careful of that. I was begining to think my guy was just so unable to process his feelings that he would have trouble meeting anyone and making a connection and falling in love.

A few days after I was think I should cut him some slack and try and be nicer to him because he's got it tough, he's in a proper relationship.

Don't let your warm compassionate heart blind you to reality. Not everyone is as loving as you. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn. I wish I hadn't been so beaten down by life. I'd rather be more trusting and as blindly believing in people as I was when I was younger.

It's so difficult, because for a relationship to succeed you need to be trusting and give your all to someone, but at the same time you need to be cautious because the other person may not be as trully invested. It's so hard.

In summation: It doesn't sound like anyone thinks this guy is really into me, but just passing the time because he has nothing/no one better to do. I appreciate your opinions. It is all an interesting experiment for me, to be honest.

The visualization I use to stay healthy and centered in this vortex of emotions and confusion is that God is in the driver's seat of my life. I trust Him with my life and with my happiness, down to every little detail. I am purposeful about allowing everything to pass to me through Him. This is a new meditation I have employed recently and it's great because it means nothing comes to me but allowed through Him, Who loves me more than anyone ever will or could. As long as I don't give myself away physically or emotionally, I really have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Even if we go no further than acquaintances, I might point this man to Christ and encourage him (through my example) to seek more of a relationship to God and the Divine. I think I see signs in him this is already happening in various ways I choose not to mention here.

If I never hear from him again, or hear from him sporadically, I might cry a few tears and be depressed a day or so, but with God driving, I know it means He has something better for me, even if that something is nothing. Kind-of paradoxical, but God is mysterious that way.

However, I will share a tidbit with you that few know. God told me 7 years ago (a few years after my divorce) that in 7 years I would be united finally with my soul mate. This is that year. Summer 2020. So, we shall see if it was God I was hearing or myself.

~~~~~

I am in the process of getting ready for this date today. Goodness, I hardly slept, due to a mixture of excitement, wonder, and worry about if I texted or said/did anything wrong. Do other Aspies constantly critically replay conversations down to the littlest word??? I need to stop doing this as it really steals my joy. I am going to work out, do a little shopping, wash/vacuum my car, preen, dress and go. Today will drag along I know. Should I have offered to hike or something today? I just didn't want us to spend too much time together for fear of it climaxing too early. You know? I think lesser time together is safer. I am planning to go over a bit early, after texting him. I said 6 but I am gonna leave at 5:15 I think to arrive early. I want to have enough time with him. After all, I never know if it will be the last time I see him, and I want to enjoy it as much as possible.

He Cancelled on Me:

I am sure no one is surprised. He actually called me on the phone around noon and chatted a minute, then said that he didn't want to go to dinner 'so late' after all. Even though he had confirmed that was okay last night. He didn't really give a reason, except that he gets up really early and goes skinning/skiing. He is pretty fixated on that activity. He reiterated several times we could do something but he 'has to do this in the mornings'. He also wasn't that into making alternative plans, though he threw me a bone and said I 'could still go over'. lol.

Anyway, after I recovered from the shock of it all, we began texting and he actually acted like LEGITIMATELY that he had no clue I liked him although he didn't say it in so many words. And even though I told him last time we were together. He also seemed confused when I said I was confused about what his cancelling meant. I was like, 'Hey, cancelling dinner makes it seem like you aren't that into me,' and he was like, "It was just about dinner, right, we can still do dinner'. And I"m like, 'No, it wasn't just about dinner, it was more than dinner to me, because I like you." He kept iterating confusion over this issue, about how dinner is just dinner. And I'm like, no, it was about more than dinner. Then as I'm trying to suss out if he is gaslighting me on purpose, it comes down to me saying 'Surely you know how attracted I am to you? And how I like you?' and he paused a long time and never directly addressed any feelings on his or my part (as if I hadn't even said it) then replied, "I guess I'm just dumb....I thought we'd go to dinner and 'go from there'." As if a whole lotta stuff hasn't already transpired between us in a year and a half.

He is either A SUPER FLAMING ASPIE with alexithymia, or he is a psychopath with antisocial personality disorder lol. There is no in-between here.

But he still was trying to salvage dinner, that's the thing. When I realized how he really could not iterate one response to my feeling revelation or his own feelings, or anything about feelings, I accepted this was related to his autism, and realized it's likely alexithymia. Then I said I'd like to go over to his house to talk (as he had invited me over) at 5pm. I felt relieved because this made sense to me; his behavior could be identified and was correlating to what I already suspected, that he has undiagnosed Asperger's. I know they say to tread carefully here, and I did. But instead of waiting until we were in person, I texted that it was obvious to me he has autism. I have told him I have it, and that I thought he had it too on a couple different occasions, so it's nothing new for him to hear this. But it was evidently too much for him. He told me, 'You've made this hugely complex, I don't think it's a good idea'. To which I responded acceptance gracefully, and allowed him to cancel on me. But then I told him he was the complex one, and that I was just trying to understand him. That was it. Really bummed. But what's a girl to do?

He is a saboteur of relationships. I would say he doesn't need them, but we all know how lonely this condition is, and he uses alcohol as a crutch....and Tinder. Oh well, his choice. Things seemed to be going so well. But you can never tell with men.

Peace~

It means I speak from reason, knowledge, and experience. You seem to be speaking from doubt, desire, and confusion, while relating only your perceptions of the situation.

A situation that has turned out to not be what you thought it was.

You really should have talked it out with him sooner - face-to-face, not by text.