If someone is actually into you, things will be very easy.

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I found this post on Reddit by guitarpickr88 which I found to be very insightful so I'll share it:



"This is one thing I had to learn recently. As a 32 year old male, I haven't really been in any relationships before so I was very inexperienced. I'd go on a handful of dates the last couple years, most ended after the first date, some after a couple.

I'd always blame myself thinking I was too awkward, or I had to act a certain way, or if I didn't "break the touch barrier" on the first date, they wouldn't like me, etc.

Then out of nowhere I met someone online and when we met in person, everything just clicked. Easy conversation, felt comfortable. It was the first time I truly opened up about myself on a first date. Discussed some insecurities, etc. She accepted me for who I was. I didn't feel like I had to be putting on some type of show.

And then it all made sense. The previous people I dated didn't work simply because they weren't interested. We simply didn't click. Conversation felt forced, etc.

With this person, I never had to wonder if she actually liked me. She would text me all the time, she would call me. Anytime I would ask to hang out, she would agree. She'd invite me to her place. It just felt so easy and effortless.

Contrast that to previous encounters where they wouldn't text back for an entire day. Be wishy washy about meeting up, say things like "we'll see how things go". I was constantly left confused.

I've been with this new person now for 7 months, and things have been going smoothly.

It's almost like it was supposed to happen. I needed the previous failures to know the difference between that, and this."

When I hear someone describe a relationship as "easy," I start to treat them as a forever couple.

When it isn't easy it is less about their lack of interest, IMHO, than about them simply not being your person.

There can be hurdles and missteps even on the way to "easy," but, by and large, stress and hurdles and insecurity and fumbling tend to be signs it isn't the right person.

Lots of people in general(Aspies, NTs, & others, men & women) tend to get anxious when they 1st start dating someone new. They can put a ton of pressure on themselves to perform well & act a certain way. It's like they treat dating as a poker game instead of being their true selves & transparent about their issues. Some people get more anxious about dating when they are majorly into their date than when they are not & their anxiety about screwing things up is self sabotaging. Sometimes couples can have much better success if they would just try to have fun together & relax instead of putting all that pressure on themselves to perform & act a certain way.

Also being majorly into each other does NOT automatically mean that things will be easy. I was majorly into both my exes & they both found me very difficult to deal with. Me & my current girlfriend are both majorly into each other & things tend to be hard instead of easy. We both have our various issues we're dealing with that can make our relationship very difficult but we both majorly love each other & both take relationships very seriously. We both know that most others would not want to have a relationship with us & we both believe that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship for either of us. We accept each other & understand each other better than anyone else has & we both try to be supportive & take care of the other as best we can but things are not easy. When people talk about their relationship being easy, I seriously doubt they have ever experienced any hardship with life during the course of their relationship & I wonder if they would still be together if something bad were to happen. An easy relationship seems very unrealistic & idealistic to me.

Most of my relationships have been easy. None of them have lasted.

I think this post was talking about the dating stage more than the relationship stage.

As in: both people returning calls, making plans, following through on them, conversation being natural instead of stiff, etc.

Yes, that's how it should be. It's frustrating never finding that.

Basically the same thing I realized a year or so ago:
http://dev.wrongplanet.net/forums/viewt ... p?t=387442

Things will be easier -- but not necessarily smooth sailing especially if you're different neurotypes, you're dealing with trauma, grief, mental health stressors, or alexithymia, you have communication challenges, sensory disorders, or the government has banned you from seeing each other for the better part of a year because of a deadly global pandemic.

Personal rant. Sorry.

I don't think that's just your personal rant anyway, some people just don't have easy lives & this reasoning feels exclusory.

No the interaction between you and them is easy in that conversation flows well, you enjoy each others company, you both make an effort to meet up with each other. There's no chasing, there's no trying to force a connection. You just get a long.

Those people will still have ups and downs in life. They will get made redundant at some point, they will have to bury their parents at some point, their car will break down, the washing machine will flood the laundry room etc.

They'll fall out, their in-laws will annoy them, they'll break a leg and so on.

I thought the core issue was that we don't exactly get along with much of anyone. I already relinquished the need for things to be normal & predictable anyway so I think it feels like a bit much to ask of anyone to keep up with me on that basis. I'm booked out for years in terms of what I'd like to be programming.

Is there no one that you have easy conversation with?

I have a handful of friends that I just get on with.

One of them pointed out that all my interactions with men I liked was forced and not quite right.

Bear in mind here she's probably autistic too and doesn't have a normal relationship with her husband, but they do just get each other and it works for them. He's the only man she met that things just clicked with... They argue all the time, and they enjoy it. It's their thing.

Yes of course. I agree. I'm just stating that being "into" someone and loving them doesn't automatically make the interpersonal challenges of a relationship simple. It certainly helps, and otherwise the relationship wouldn't be viable, but with ASD and other issues (trauma, sensory, etc) which are often comorbid to autism, it's still difficult to balance both people's needs. Sometimes those needs are in direct contrast. You can still be into each other and love each other, but maintaing a relationship is hard work regardless. I just don't want people thinking if their relationship isn't "flawless" or effortless, it's not the right one.

I do agree with the OP and the article but I doubt the author was autistic. It seems they were talking more about meeting the right person in general, after a series of bad matches. Autistic people can definitely fall in love and being "into" the person really helps, but again, there's a lot of compromise and sacrifice involved. The good thing is that it's normally worth it.

Like you said, if two really like each other, there’s no real chasing... or it’s actually a “mutual chasing”, like two negative forces negating each other so it doesn’t feel there’s any kind of chasing.

I disagree with your friend, if those men liked you, then it wouldn’t be “forced“, I can bet that the problem is not in the way you interact.

@hl: I guess it's more like I gravitate to pretty intense logical or philosophical conversation anyway. I'd say all my interactions are forced to some degree considering my anxiety but that doesn't mean I never have fun around women. I'm kind of like that myself basically; warm & scratchy like a wool blanket or something. I mother goose my friends all the time & maybe it's kind of annoying but the point is that I care though.

That's exactly what she meant. I must not have explained well.