Love in unusual guises: polyamory and open relationships

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I was looking at the discussions here, and noticed a thread about cheating. I have several friends who are in relationships that have different terms from the standard monogamous arrangement, and thus different definitions for what, if anything, might constitute "cheating." I'm curious about whether many people on here have run into these ideas, and what they think of them in either case.

There's a lot of terminology that goes along with this stuff and a lot of variations in the approach, but basically the idea is that two people in a serious, committed relationship agree in advance to allow some amount of sexual and/or romantic activity with other people. Some common templates:

"Open" relationship: this is really simple. Basically, sexual activity outside the relationship is acceptable with few restrictions. Usually the idea is that such outside activity is going to be fairly casual, and on at most a kind of "friends with benefits" set of terms.

Polyamory, polyfidelity version: this is basically an expanded closed relationship, where more than two people are involved. Sexual activity with anyone not in the "group" is prohibited and considered cheating, but within the group each person may have multiple strong romantic bonds to others. For example, you might have a triad where any pair might be considered partners in a loving, long-term relationship, or where one person is a 'vee' and is attached to two others who are 'merely' good friends with one another.

Polyamory, network model: this is more fluid. Basically, the idea is that anyone can be in as many romantic relationships as they can manage practically. They are free to enter into new ones with new people at any time, but need to consider the effects of that choice on their existing relationships. This is not like an "open" relationship because the expectation is that each new partner someone chooses will be a candidate for a long-term serious romantic relationship. Ideally, anyone two people who are connected by a string of relationships should know each other and hopefully be friends.

So, for an example of the last case, a guy (A) might have two girlfriends (B and C), one of whom also has two other boyfriends (D and E), who each have a second girlfriend (F and G). All of these people know all the rest, and knew going into it that they would be sharing the lives of their respective love interests with others. In many cases they will often do things together; A could reasonably expect to take both of his girlfriends out on the town, or C might invite all her guys and any of their other girls to a party. The idea is that these relationships aren't a zero-sum game; time spent with one partner isn't time taken away from others. They don't all have to be the same; perhaps A has known B for years but just started dating C. He might even live with B. But now he's falling in love again, for C, and the new relationship is blossoming...without ever having left his longer-term stable partner behind.

As you might be able to tell by the time I spent on it, personally I really like the idea of the latter model. Jealousy is a problem, and polyamory is complicated enough to do even without AS...but the idea of never having to choose between two worthy love interests, never having to tell a person who deserves to be close to me that they can't cross a certain line, seems worth it to me.

So, thoughts? Opinions? Anyone here have any experience with something like this, good or bad?

I'm not sure I could ever get into the whole polymory thing, I just feel that there is something about a relationship that means it should be just you and your partner. In my eyes it's irritating enough when a partner talks of a previous sexual relationship with someone else in front of you, so I can't imagine how i'd feel if I was in a relationship where indulging in shenanigans with others was the norm.

As for open relationships, that suggests that one is capable of getting more than one person to sleep with you at a time. As I struggle to even get into a relationship in the first place, i'm not sure an open relationship would be an option, as the good lady in the relationship would be off humping all and sundry and i'd be the one sat alone in the corner of the pub...again.

As always, each to their own, but i'll stick to the tried and tested means I think.

Oh, forgive me if I attempted to call my position normal. I realize I'm quite "out there" as far as that goes. I think jealousy in any form is a sign of some degree of possessiveness. After all, if you don't "claim" the sole right to certain types of affection at some level, you wouldn't feel put out to see them being offered to someone else. I think that such possessiveness is a normal, and to most people desirable, part of any relationship. As long as it's not really excessive, in a monogamous relationship I suppose it's healthy. It's just...I don't feel that way.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... =polyamory

Some prior discussion.

For some reason I can generally only pull guys two at a time! Not sure if this is polyamory exactly, but definitely that dynamic seems to feel most comfortable for me.

One of these guys is usually promiscuous & extrovert, but his friend is likely to be quiet, shy & intellectual.

Must be because I am looking for both sets of qualities in a guy - the first one is charismatic & brings out my "bad girl" but finds my IQ intimidating, while the second one I can relate to on an intellectual level but he cannot supply me with the social skills I lack.

The first guy would be into me because I am available, and perhaps he wants to help out his mate, whereas the second probably really likes me but doesn't have the confidence to do anything about it on his own.

I know this makes me sound terrible, but it is not about being a moral (or immoral) thing, it is just the situation I always used to manage to get myself in! I haven't had a relationship at all for some years, but that is the "script" I know best.

shopaholic: Honestly, whatever works for you, as long as you're honest about what's going on with all parties involved and they're okay with it. That's pretty much the central tenet of polyamory as I see it: whatever form it takes, whatever the terms, everyone has to agree to them and be honest about what they're doing and with whom. Well, beyond actually having >2 people involved, of course. So whether it's you and two guys, some guy with four wives, or the kind of network I described above, as long as it works and there's no deception is involved I think it can legitimately be called "poly".

I'm in a very mentally and spiritually fulfilling relationship, but at times I think we could benefit from an open relationship since our sex life waxes and wanes. However its really hard to take on an open relationship because of jealousy, also if your an aspie or just a weirdo and you find someone who appreciates you for who you are and you can be yourself more or less around them, then its really hard to put on charades to try to attract new persons. Sooner or later no matter how well you carry yourself you slip up and where your loved one would just giggle at this in dating it feels like a serious business, like walking a tightrope. Open relationships are an ethical solution to behind the back cheating and whether you like it or not biologically you just want to have sex with different people. Personally, I really wish I could only be sexually attracted to my wife and vice-versa.

When I was younger and sometimes meeting interested women in open relationships, I found it very confusing. I think it was difficult for my younger AS brain to process contractual disloyalty. At some point I understood it and was open to being a third wheel for a night. Sometime later I gave it a spin in a relationship of my own. A funny progression.

But it takes work, two people in the same place and a lot of other things. I can't imagine sustaining it long term.

I've been poly, and I've been monogamous. I much prefer monogamy.

That's really all I have to say.