Well, my relationship is over

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Some of you know me and read my thread a few weeks ago about how I found a girl. Well, we dated for barely two and a half weeks, and today she basically broke it off.

We were kind of doomed from the start. We're both in AA, and as if that isn't enough, I have AS. I've been sober over 2 years, she only had a month in when we started dating. A week after we started dating, she called me and seemed upset. After talking, I got it out of her that she drank that night. We hung out the next day, went to a meeting, we happy... I thought things were good. A few days later, we went out to a meeting again, and she said she was going to hang out with some friends. Well, she calls me at 1:30 in the morning, and turns out she drank again. She says things like "I wouldn't be shocked if you never wanted to see me again" and "I'm surprised you give me the time of day"... I tell her it is up to her what she does with drinking, I still care about her.

We keep hanging out, and last night turned out to be the last time. We hung out at my house, watched a movie, cuddled, talked... She said how she really wanted to take it slow and not have sex right away, I told her I respected that. Then I drive her home.

Right before I get to her house, she basically says "It's hard for me to be comfortable with you because I'm used to guys being mean to me..." (more or less). I stop the car mid block and ask her to clarify. I'm clearly a little frustrated by this. She goes on about "I don't know..." and I take her to her house. She hugs me and we look at each other, telling me she'll call me when she gets home, hugs me again and kisses me on the cheek and goes.

We talk on MSN, and I basically confront her on what she said, I'm trying to say I just think it is unhealthy to play games, and that I'm not going to treat her bad just to gain her approval.

We talk on the phone today, and she basically said that she isn't ready for this right now... she needs more sobriety. She also said she doesn't mean she never wants to do this, and if I'm still willing to keep the door open to it in the future. I didn't get mad or make a fuss, I just said I respect that and want to keep things amicable.

She can do what she wants, but I still feel sad about it. I really thought we had a good connection, and I really felt great for the 2 weeks or so that we were seeing eachother. I'm not going to hold my breath that we're going to have a relationship again(for all I know, she could've gone back drinking today, never to come back). I get sad thinking about how happy we seemed when we hung out together, and how she was so affectionate and warm to me. I've never really had anyone treat me like that. Oh well, I won't give up, I still have years to find someone.

I'm sorry to hear that it ended, but it sounds like you two were very respectful and kind to each other and that's nice to hear. You seem to have a very healthy attitude about it.

Well, all I know for sure is that I am completely powerless over her (or anyone), and can't control her choices or reactions to me. If I didn't admit that to myself, I would go crazy trying to think of ways to change her mind or make things different.

It sounds like it's ended for now but without closure.

You might want to wait a little while for her to calm down and then ask if she wants to be just friends - of course, you have to be willing to stay as "just friends" too.

I think you both made the right decision. She may have been looking for someone to tell her off for starting drinking again. We all next a kick up the butt sometimes. However I believe that people help themselves, as much as is is good to be supportive. So I think she knew it was her own battle she had to fight and maybe a relationship isn't the right thing for her right now, nor really for you considering if you a former addict and you are going out with an addict it is probably not the most ideal situation.

Like other are saying there is different types of 'nice'. You can be really kind to her on the surface but if you realize a relationship is really not the best thing right now you would be be kind of selfish by trying to drag it on. That what I think anyways.

Who isn't? Some people are delusional that people want to do as they say and maybe and there are a some very enigmatic people but they are rare. You can only offer friendly advice in a non patronising manner, short of holding her captive, which I don't think you'd do.

yeah I'm scared to talk to her again now, because I still care about her. But it hurts because if I think we can still have a relationship then I want it... I don't want to think "what if ?"... You're right, there is no closure as things are now.

Yeah relationships f**k with people head... Woman are disposable there are many other. It kind of funny now its a lot easier to get dates when you dont want a relationship. NT Girls are weird.

Errr, oh

I suppose you mean that if one relationship doesn't work out, there are plenty of other nice girls out there

I know who you feel, Space.

I have dated women like this. i have female friends like this. I just deleted a woman from myspace like this.

They are so addicted to absuive relaetionships that they don't know what to do with a nice guy comes a long.

The important thing is if you succeed or fail in your life you do so for your own faults or sucsesses. You do it sober.

I respect you very much.

Thanks. Yeah I won't lower myself to drinking because I am depressed, or going to bars. I think she seriously is messed up and probably won't heal very fast, which is sad because I deeply care about her. Women have a low success rate in AA, and many have been sexually abused or at least had abusive relationships, and it has seriously damaged their ability to have healthy ones. This is not sexist, it's just a sad observation. I am healthy and I want an honest woman who is willing to try and deal with her problems, and who wants someone to love and respect her. It's not so much about what I want but what I need to remain healthy, sane, and sober.

Sorry it didn't work out, Space, but you are handling it well.

13th Stepping her, I see. I don't blame her for breaking it off, were you trying to take advantage of her? Dating the vulnerable newcomer, great.


There's no evidence to that assumption at all. AA has a low success rate, about 3-5% success rate. Sex, race, or whatever doesn't matter. You shouldn't be 13th stepping new comers, it's wrong.

Also, stop trying to blame her for your faults. Are you even working the 12 steps, even though it's BS? Look at your part in it. You tried to 13th Step a newcomer. This is typical of male AA members. When a new vulnerable female comes to AA, a lot of the men try to get with her for sex or other reasons.

She came on to me. I told her she shouldn't have a relationship.

You don't know me or AA. You obviously hate AA because you say it's "BS," so please go troll somewhere else.

Dokken I agree. That seemed rude.
Also your statement doesnt make any sense.
You say that women don't have a higher failure rate yet also say its common for men to target the vulnerable newcomer woman. Thats got to contribute to it.

And if the 12 steps are BS why are they the model for countless other help groups?