help an NT understand!!

Post Reply New Topic

I've been with with my guy in a long-distance relationship for about a year, and Im pretty sure he's an aspie, tho he doesn't know it. He does know he's 'different' and recognizes (and has been told by many) that he's 'socially inept.'

I love him dearly, but Im starting to feel that there's no hope of him ever being able to relate to me in a way that satisifes me. I pass off his self-centeredness and difficulties in communicating as AS. I just feel like I'm the only one making the necessary sacrifices to make this relationship work.

Examples ...

He lives on his own and supports himself marginally. He doesn't drive, and can't afford to fly, so all the travel is up to me ... and I pay for all of it ... he doesn't feel he should contribute to the cost of our getting together. When I visit him, one of his favorite activities is to go shopping, and he always says things about me buying him things (which I have often done.)

He rejected the very personal holiday gifts I gave him as things he didn't want or need. (I knit him a scarf, he said "I dont need a scarf -- try again" and dumped it in my lap. I gave him a photo of us taken with our favorite musician, he said "What do I need that for? I've got one on my computer" and dumped it in my lap.) He told me that if anyone really cared about him they'd ask for his meticulously maintained list of things he wants.

There are a number of examples along these lines. I tend to be very generous and giving, and I just wonder if I'm not understanding him, or am I being a chump.

I'd really appreciate anyone who could discuss some of this with me and help me sort it o ut. Im very much in love with him, despite the difficulties, but I guess I can't ignore how one-sided this relationship seems to be.

Your post touched me. My Dad who passed away recently was autistic and I don't think ever realised or accepted it. I look back into the past and regret deeply the ways I misinterpreted his seemingly evil behaviour. All along, he was a good guy underneath.

My dad was near immune to criticism. Much like I am. A criticism is like invading my mind, especially if its an aspect of my personality.

I have deeply loved people but never been able to show them, or tell them, but I am learning.

I cant' think advice to give you except that to tell you that there is hope and I hope you find the help you need here.

Thank you . I believe he loves and cares for me, but has built quite the fortress around his heart to protect himself from being hurt. I've always been willing to go the extra mile (literally ... we live 500 miles apart! LOL) and I hope we'll overcome the problems. He just seems incapable of expressing his feelings directly.

One thing that puzzles me is that he's very curious about people, but has NEVER asked me anything about myself or my family or my history (other than my sexual history). I was very hurt when last night he said he had asked a female coworker/friend how her mother was. He is estranged from his family, and has never expressed ANY interest in learning about mine. What is that??

Well I've thought about this for a bit and my first piece of advice would be; don't try and 'cure' him. But on the other hand; don't assume that things can't improve between you to your satisfaction. As an Aspie I can't duplicate the social signs NT give off very easily, so its possible that you are misinterpreting much of what causes you despair. You are lucky to know what the Autistic Spectrum is. My parent's marriage sucked because neither of them knew about the High-Functioning Autism that my Dad so obviously had, if only we knew then what we know now.

The only way he'll accept that he has AS is if he convinces himself. It's rare that people can convince me of something, especially my entire identity. Even after I was diagnosed with AS it took a looong time for it to sink in. Then I read about an Aspie's problem eye contact and *poof*, the walls came crashing down; so my diagnosis was right and the rest of it slotted into place. I think I've been lucky, it can be a very difficult thing for an Aspie to accept that someone is telling them they 'faulty'. And faulty is NOT accurate, but how I perceived AS at first.

As for expressing concern about someone else rather than yourself or your family, I can relate to that. And though I can't explain it easily, I will do my best to try. It could be down to several reasons; the most likeely; family is difficult for an aspie - family is all about emotion. Somebody elses family is so much easier for me to show visible concern for than my own family, even though I don't really care about them like I do my own family... sigh.. I can't explain it. I need more time to think about it logically - but I'm definately taking *his* side here, for want of a better way of putting it =)

Tracy - first off, I think it's amazing that you can take things like the dumping of a hand-knitted scarf in your lap with the words "don't need it - try again" in stride. I think that says a lot about the kind of person you are: accepting, patient, and open-minded.

If you think your guy would be open to it, you might mention AS to him. He might be relieved and immensely grateful to discover there's a name for what he is, and that there are entire communities of us out here. I know many of us "older" Aspies, who found out about AS as full-blown adults, have had that response of gratitude and sense of our lives falling together like a puzzle whose missing pieces have finally been found. It might also help him to understand himself better, and to see how he is different, which is possibly a first step toward recognizing that his responses are sometimes hard for others to swallow.

He might not be all that curious about people in general. He may have asked about his coworker's mother because the coworker once said something about her mother that sounded interesting to him -- maybe the coworker mentioned her mother's interest in World War II airplanes or something. Something your guy is also interested in. That would make that particular person interesting to him, interesting enough to inquire about.

You already seem to be pretty good about not projecting your feelings onto him, and not interpreting his actions the same way you would if they were your actions. In other words, you seem to accept that he isn't being intentionally rude or hurtful. But to keep yourself from being hurt, and to make sure you get what you need from the relationship, the number one key IMHO is to be very clear, concrete, and direct with him, so that he knows what you're thinking and what you want. Don't drop hints; tell him directly. And when he tells you something directly (some would say "bluntly":-) ), show him you listened by following up on it: next year, for example, ask him for his list of things he wants before Christmas, and get him something off the list. Make sure it exactly matches his specifications, by the way; don't get a blue one if he's specified red. Don't get the second edition of a book if he's specified the first. Don't get leatherbound or hardcover if he's specified softcover, even though you think it's more luxurious. That kind of thing.

Also, be honest with him. Don't give him answers designed to spare his feelings. I don't mean you should be nasty, of course; I just mean you shouldn't tell "little white lies" to protect his feelings. He's asking whatever he's asking because he wants an honest answer. He needs to know you aren't going to lie to him, even over "meaningless" things.

Also cheekily, if anything we said here helped you understand something, you could repay us by explaining what it was that attracted a seemingly very caring person like yourself to a suspected Aspie. I haven't yet understood what NTs might see in Aspies, but it works, obviously.

Thank you both ... some hope for me in those replies!! I recognized his AS early on, and learned to differentiate his words and actions from the ones I might expect from an NT. He NEVER says anything expected which is one of the things I love. I swallow ALOT in order not to hurt or anger him, because he doesn't have an understanding of why what he says and does might be 'wrong' or hurtful. And he himself is very very blunt, of course, but is easily offended by other people's comments about him. A conundrum it is!! ! But I love a challenge.

I do know that when he wants something, he wants something VERY specific, and no substitute will do. I feel honored that he wants ME for that reason.

Why am I drawn to him? He's super intelligent, has a very wry sense of humor, is fascinating to me and is a good, kindhearted and strong (and strong-willed) person. When he's sweet and loving, it's very tender and genuine. I've always liked guys who were very smart and quirky -- this one takes the cake! He definitely has a charisma about him ... I know many women are drawn to his dark, mysterious way, but I doubt many have the insight to accept him the way he is.

I don't consider his social difficulties to be 'faults' at all ... I feel very lucky to understand that his way of thinking/acting is different than the norm for good reason. Though it's often hurtful in my perception, I know he would never hurt me intentionally -- I get alot of mileage out of that. But I also don't want to be taken for granted or mistreated ... it's a real balancing act, but one I have been and continue to be dedicated to mastering.

I've struggled with how to tell him about AS, and I've asked about it here before. He is an addict from an addicted and abusive family, and has been clean in NA for 20 years ... a sign of his very strong sense of self and will. He attributes his 'differentness' to that. I think that's probably a 'cart before the horse' way to see it but convincing him of it would be a tall order.

His traits:

-- intense focus on his interest (music) -- he's like an encyclopedia
-- an OCD like need for order, neatness, concern re security, safety
-- the social issues -- eye contact, NO small talk (EVER! not even 'how was your day' type stuff), can't deal with crowds. (He also mutters alot, so people -- me included -- are asking him to repeat himself.
-- hypersensitivity -- in touch, taste, sound, smell. very reactive to textures, colors, small noises
-- blunt (although I've watched him work on this over the year ... it's like he takes my input and puts it through the machine in his head to force himself to react differently.)
--very uncomfortable with people touching him, though not with me anymore. This was a tough one ... I'm VERY physically affectionate.

There are things Im probably forgetting. I love him because I love him ... and it's hard to explain. I just love the very core of who he is, not his habit patterns. He's just very endearing to me and oh-so-worthy of being loved.

Im here for all your NT questions!! This is a nice community from what I've seen.

It sounds like you have some wonderful ideas about this guy. You seem exceedingly warm and friendly, but this guy is the total opposite. It's great you've been willing and able to put up with the challenges of his unusual social understanding so far. I wonder, though, when the novelty wears off and if the challenge becomes mere struggle, are you still going to care about him the way you do now? Do you think you would be happier with someone more like yourself?

I really think it's a good thing you're putting this effort into having a relationship with a man who might have Asperger's syndrome, but may I ask why you aren't in a relationship with someone who's a bit more social, affectionate, and able to do things for your sake so that the relationship isn't all give on your part?

Honestly, I have no idea how things would work between a woman and me in a relationship because I've never been in a relationship before or even come close to having one. I do not think I would be like the guy you described, but she might still find having a relationship with me to be challenging in other ways. My guess is that, if I really wanted to have a relationship enough just for the sake of having one, I would not really have much success with women I find I am attracted to, so I'd have to choose a woman I found unattractive more than attractive (in terms of looks, personality, etc.). Because I would have no attraction to her and the relationship would really be in name only in that case, I would probably not really talk to her much at all, never kiss her or show other signs of physical affection, etc. Of course, if that's the "relationship," there's no point. In fact, that sounds like my "relationship" with most women I've met—nonexistent!

Wow, if there a woman that can put up with that then I have even more hope for myself.

It does sound like he has a lot of qualities that you like. I suggest just being honest and if you don't like something just tell him.

Both of us have been through failed relationships ... and from what he tells me, his AS stuff is the reason for his not working. I'd like to think that this is the one that will work for both of us. It's a credit to his force of personality and general goodness that I overlook alot of the AS stuff, I guess. Im one of those people who is a 'caretaker'. Don't know if that's a good thing or bad, it's just what I am. I try not to lose myself in my concern for the other ... I have a pretty good sense of detachment, a skill I learned after years in an alcoholic marriage.

As far as the novelty wearing off ... it's been about a year, Im past the novelty stage. It's funny, when he DOES do something for me, I am touched beyond words. He has difficulty expressing his feelings, so he sends me mix CDs of songs that express his feelings for me -- and I have those with me all the time. He's indicated a willingness to grow, and for me, that's all you can ever ask of someone. That's all I want for myself anyway, personal growth and someone to love.

So, I should just TELL him to get me earrings or whatever if that's what I want? Instead of wondering what odd impersonal thing he might come up with?? LOL He bought me a flashlight for my car for my birthday, which was weird, but also a very considerate practical gift.


There's no explaining love ... we don't get to choose who appeals to us, it just is what it is. Im not a particulary extroverted person myself ... Im more than happy to be at home with him, just hanging out, reading, TV, talking, whatever. Those mundane things are what 95% of life are made up of, and that's the kind of time I enjoy wtih my mate. It just feels loving and supportive to be in the same space with them.

It's odd ... one of my overwhelming reactions to him is simply COMFORT. I feel very safe and soothed and comfy in his presence. One thing I've learned from this relationship is that love doesn't always look like we think it will. I've never been one to buy the prepackaged mass consumer culture we all get shoved down our throats ... I really enjoy the fact that everyone is unique.


My philosophy of life boils down to: Everyone's a weirdo!! Embrace it!

Here's a question -- he doesn't drive, never has. I think he's afraid of it. Is driving a difficult thing for Aspie's?

Tracy (or do you go by Tracy Lynn?), first let me say that you might just be tied with my NT husband for title of most wonderful person on earth. You sound like anyone's dream partner, so insightful and understanding.

To address a few things specifically:

This makes me think about future living together (sharing the same home). You might want to think about whether that is what would work best for you two. Maybe I'm jumping the gun here, and maybe it's not an option if you want the relationship to continue (because you really want kids, for example), but it's entirely possible that doing a Sartre-de Beauvoir type arrangement would be optimal for the two of you. (Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir were longtime partners who never lived together.) That way his strong need for order etc wouldn't be constantly bombarded. (And you wouldn't feel like you were living with a satanic demon who kept freaking out about the spoons being lined up improperly in the drawer .)


I can relate to that. I often snap at my husband when we see things differently -- or at least that's how it feels to him. To me, it feels like I'm just stating my point of view, and it should be obvious that it's just my point of view without my having to say "well, I think that..." before every sentence, and it should be obvious that after I stop speaking, he should speak and say his point of view, and we'll go back and forth like that till we resolve the matter.

Another example, one where I've worked really hard to give a better response because my husband told me my existing response was just too harsh: Sometimes my husband will go to the grocery store. If he comes back with a different brand of something, or say pineapple in syrup instead of pineapple in juice, or the wrong size, or things I didn't ask for, or missing things I did ask for, I am very negative about it. My reaction apparently exudes "you fool, any idiot could get the right things, you just weren't trying" . (That's not the internal feeling I have, but it comes across that way, apparently.) So I work now on NOT having that response, but being thankful that I didn't have to go to the store myself. Sometimes I even set a timer; I have to be thinking about this response when he comes home or I give my automatic response. That's because it's still stressful for me to have my expectations suddenly changed on me. What I can work to change is my external response. I can't change the internal one.


This is a something to help you not feel too hurt in intimate situations (my husband still struggles with this sometimes, even after ten years). Sometimes I cannot bear being touched. I actually flinch away from my husband if he touches me. Sometimes, even if I want to be intimate, it just doesn't work, because I can't relax enough to bear the touching in ways that are pleasurable. In times like that we just talk through it, and sometimes I end up relaxing enough to have very wonderful sex, and sometimes I just can't. But either way we talk through it, so that I can remind my husband that I'm not flinching from HIM, it's just an oversensitivity at that moment. I don't know if your guy will be able to be that eloquent about it (not that I'm so eloquent, but you know what I mean ), so here is my attempt to give you something to fall back on if he ever flinches or shudders when you touch him or suddenly pulls away when you are being intimate. For what it's worth .

YES . I consider it very thoughtful when people provide me with lists of things they want so I don't have to "waste my time" trying to figure out what in heck they might enjoy and don't yet have.


In general I think it is. I used to drive, but no longer do. I used to enjoy driving in the US, where I had driven for so long that it was all automatic pilot. I knew all the rules and it was easy. When we moved to Holland, I hated driving. All these new rules (which were easy enough to learn, but not yet internalized) and strange signs in different colors and shapes. I detested driving here--it was so stressful. And when I finally had to get a Dutch driver's license (you can only drive on your "native" license the first few months), I failed the test. Secretly I was so relieved. I don't have to drive anymore!

It really puzzled me until I found out about AS a year later. Then it made perfect sense: all the newness, changed expectations, unfamiliarity, a gazillion strange new sensory inputs.

My two cents.
He might be Aspergers, but that doesn't mean he has to take advantage of you. If you like buying him things and want to do that, then so be it. But why doesn't he travel to you? Does he love you? Does he believe that you love him?
I had a partner who put up with a lot of my stuff, but she got tired. She was honest about some things and not about others. I wish she had been honest about everything, but I may have been less approachable than I am now. I too have little contact with my family (except my mother who has some understanding of how I am), and I don't think I ever asked, in 10 years, for a lot of information about my partner's family. I am just now kicking myself because I saw her over the holidays and just now realized I was supposed to ask. I have learned to do these things because I cared about her and realized it would make her feel connected to me.
When I am at work I ask coworkers about things because I am expected to, not because I care. I learned that a coworker's relative committed suicide but she wasn't there so I didn't say anything. I didn't realize that I should have said something to the guy who works with her all the time. When I realize I should say something I do, because otherwise the environment becomes pretty hostile when I am around.
Maybe if you focus on the practical aspects of what you want to happen he can participate.

wow, I feel like I've struck the motherlode of insight here!! Thank you all, keep it coming!

He doesn't travel to me because for many reasons ... he lives in a pretty remote area without good access public transportation...it would take him like 18 hours by bus or train, or imposing upon a friend to get him to an airport. Another issue is simply $$ -- he lives paycheck to paycheck. I also believe that travelling alone like that, having to change trains, etc in strange crowded places would be too difficult for him. He spent a week with me in the fall, but I had to go get him and take him home. Good thing I love to drive.... I also realize it's just how it has to be.

I think, like you said Neuroman, he comes to realize after-the-fact that there are things he 'should have' said or done. When he dissed my gifts, I was hurt and speechless. A little while later, and uncharacteristically, he came up to me and gave me a big hug. I can almost hear the gears turning in there sometimes.

I think the long distance thing -- and the fact that Im the one to travel and breach the distance -- works better for him than for me. He wants a 'real' relationship, we'd LIKE to live together, but he is deeply rooted in his habits and being alone. I do recognize that to live together (and my kids are grown and ALMOST gone -- something we both see as essential to it working for us) he would need some well-defined physical and emotional space of his own. I've always believed that a couple living together should have three bedrooms --- his, mine and ours. :lol I hope it comes to that and I realize that for it to happen, I will have to continue to be very patient with him until he is comfortable with it. ... Im very nurturing, obviously, and his presence is very soothing to me.

One thing I've sensed is that he doesn't feel 'worthy' of being loved sometimes. He warned me early on that when things are going well in a relationship, he's found a way to sabotage them. This isn't just AS behavior, I think it's a common human dynamic. I think we love each other, and one of the things we both need and can deliver to each other is steadfastness in the face of insecurity and doubt. We just keep on working at it, as difficult as it can be.

Thanks to all of you for sharing ... I feel very much less alone now trying to fit this puzzle together!!

I'm an NT married to an Aspie. We didn't realize this until our daughter was a toddler; nearly 15 years later.
Like Tracylynn there are many things I love about my husband. I do have to plainly tell him simple things that I think he should know but doesn't. It used to bother me when we were younger. I am still shocked he can overlook that bag of garbage by the door he is leaving from.
There have also been many, many emotional issues with his growing up years/school/parents that we have had to work through and still are. As our daughter grows (she is 4 now), we keep finding those hidden things that are/were a problem. Now it is much easier to go with the flow and work through them. Our 18th anniversary is this spring. Needless to say, we have had much time to work on many things.
My husband would like to have nothing at all to do with his family. His family has hurt him tremendously by lying to him/us. They still do. Now my family is doing the same thing. It is a big problem now that we live near them again. This wasn't our choice; it was the only place he could find a job after losing his two years ago. He was out of work for 5 months. Our families didn't understand why he didn't have another job immediately and kept putting him down to me.
My husband is deeply devoted to me and our daughter. I love this. Love can make things much better. He cannot wait to come home every night! Giving him the freedom to be himself makes all the difference. I am also able to be myself.
Talking things through can be rough sometimes. We had really found our balance when we found out I was pregnant. What a shock to have a baby after 13 years of marriage! That is hard on any couple, but change is not his game (even though we have moved much). Much more so for our daughter.
For us, we are truthful with each other and have been from the start. We have misunderstandings due to the AS, but we have learned to work through it. He can be very loving and demonstrative with me and our daughter; but not with anyone else. He has learned when to ask the "right" questions at work, church (still some trouble there), and some social situations. We have gone as a team and he has learned much. He tries which is all we can really ask of anyone. I love his quirks and differences. To me, it has made him a great husband.

I love his quirks and differences .... yep! It's very endearing to me, his uniqueness.

That's very encouraging.... and I agree -- trying is all we can ask of anyone. Im curious as to how he came upon a diagnosis at that point in life ... there clearly were indicators of his differences all along -- how were you able to interpret and adapt before you knew?


Im a mom of 3 thankfully grown!! "[/b]