Not attracted to people who hit on me

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Back when I used to go out on the weekends it happened quite a few times that gay guys (I'm gay too) were hitting on me, but I felt a strong hesitation because of that person usually not being good looking enough (people don't have to look good, just interesting/sexy but these people usually just look dull) and in most cases seemed to have a bland personality. Just "average". People I didn't feel mental or physical attraction too.

I don't know why, but when I just sit and watch people, I see a lot of guys I could imagine myself being with, just for sex, passing by. However, none of the ones who hit on me on nights out are to my liking. I also get a strong feeling that sex with those people would be boring as hell and that I would have to explain why I'm so distanced and seemingly uninterested. In the end it would just be a pointless experience.

The typical guys coming on to me are very average, bland, normal working people or students, sometimes a little older guys, who just seem like real budget version "golden boys". Not good looking enough to be real golden boys of course and not confident and aggressively sexy enough to have a scum/thug mentality. I feel so frustrated as well as embarassed, and a little bad too for risking offending someone who obviously is attracted to me, when I have to talk myself out of these situations. It's overly clear what the other guy wants and I just pretend I don't understand or make excuses. In these situations I actually feel bad for other humans, a little sting of compassion. However I couldn't very well sleep with these guys because of that when there's no physical or mental attraction to speak of in my case.

Do you think I have a mental block somewhere? I dissolved a lot of my mental blocks when I started realizing I was attracted to certain types I had never considered before, but I still don't find the average student or random indie-pop guys (with looks that are so bland that ugly actually would be more attractive) who come on to me attractive. I get the feeling from these guys that there's nothing below the surface, they are so averagely honest that the budget jeans they dress in is what they are. I can feel the utter boredom of having sex with those types just by looking at them. I also get hit by a feeling of depression. I don't know exactly what attracts me but extremely average guys just don't do it for me.

Another common situation is that sometimes I meet smaller groups of people where one person happens to be gay and express interest in me. It always seems that the one in the group I feel attracted to myself is a straight guy. As an example, If I meet two brothers or two friends etc, it's always the older one with the most stabile job but the extremely average looks who turns out to be attracted to me while I'm attracted to the younger one with better looks and just cooler personality in general. This is like a curse because it's always like that.

I gotta ask -- how do you look? Do you think that you are more "quality" than the people hitting on you? I only ask because while I know guys can be picky, usually gay guys have a much easier time of this, and you would think someone would be to your liking.

Are you in excellent shape, and are you very handsome? It seems strange that someone your level wouldn't approach you --- perhaps you are not the level you think you are, and this is why the same level of guy keeps approaching you?

I am in excellent shape and look almost like a slim 19-year old runway model after my surgeries. I used to consider myself average looking but after I invested in myself I became extremely good looking in my oppinion. It's true my experiences are from before my surgeries and physical reinvention but I actually had a few sexual encounters with guys I met on the internet, who were very good looking and even wanted to meet me again. They said I was great looking and awesome in bed, even though I felt myself that my self esteem sucked. Today I really like the way I look. Maybe it would be different if I went out now. These experiences were all from 5-6 years ago when I was 19-20.

I'm usually attracted to "ugly" or "average" guys but not THAT type which comes on to me. The guys of average type I like are the average western/northern european looking guys who walk past my house in sweaty jogging trousers, as an example, not the civil engineer students and the indie-pop guys or 35 year olds, and the occasional super feminine McDonalds guy, who used to approach me in clubs.
I think a big thing is my type of guys are straight, usually. I also never experienced a major city, my home town has 90 000 citizens with a total of 110 000 if you count all the surrounding areas. Many gay people move from here saying it's a crap town for dating, which is kind of true.

As a gay guy, I empathize my boyish sexyness to the max, this is why I still get a lot of attention. But the average gay guy is neither super cute or like the average straight guy. Instead they are more like bland, reduced straight guys. Less interesting versions of straight guys. A little softer, a little less rough but just as average. It just doesn't do it for me. I might add all my successful sexual experiences were with bisexual guys. The kind of guys who play football with their friends and just want to "try it" with another guy. I think the reason they pick me for this is because I'm not totally average. I'm actually hot enough to make them chose me before a woman and not supress their homo attraction.

Ok, this makes more sense then. I know quite a few gay guys (and have some sexual issues of my own, though I am pretty much strictly heterosexual, just with some proclivities), so I think I have some insights into this.

First -- like a lot of gay guys, you like straight guys a lot. Understandable -- there is definitely something different about the straight brain than the gay brain in terms of how guys act. I myself have been hit on a lot by gay guys, even when my body was way out of shape compared to those same guys standards when it came to gay guys -- it's like the straight guy attitude/personality overrides it all. It must also suck for you to have to be content with 10% of the guy population, while the other 90% is tantalizingly out of reach.

I'm curious -- what kind of work did you have done on yourself? You mention you have a boyish look you maintain -- is it femme at all?

From a straight but curious POV, I think your best bet is to look where straight guys can approach you without being worried about being publicly embarrassed. For a man who lives his life as a straight man, even if he has gay or bi tendencies, his worst fear is to be found out by his friends and family. His other big fear is that he will catch something from that guy, like HIV or even a more minor STD. Previously, those kinds of hookups happened in anonymous places like restroom gloryholes, truckstops, and gay bathhouses, but both are risky either because of lack of safe sex practices, or from legal concerns.

So I would recommend looking on places like Craigslist, under either the m4m or m4t section. Depending on the guy's taste, he is probably going to be looking for a bottom, and for oral (because a lot of women won't do oral or don't do good oral). You'll also want to be careful how you screen them, and to assure them you'll use a condom for everything. Another note -- a lot of straight guys have the capability to have gay sex, but don't actually want to kiss another guy or get too physical. Everyone's different, but for some people, what they do with their genitals is less disgusting to them than what they feel about male-male kissing.

Anyways, some graphic advice there. Send me a PM if you want to take this offline, I have more insights into this as a straight guy with some issues and experience, but I want to keep this thread clean.

Yeah it's quite femme. I never had feminine behaviour, but I always had rather non-masculine looks except for the fact I, unlike many women, don't have much fat around the face in general. The most evident change/improvement I had done was lip surgery. I have kind of feminine lips, eyelashes, chin etc. My body was always slim and boyish and now it's really fit as well though not "buff".

Thanks for the advice. I think I have figured out what attracts outwards "straight" bisexual guys the most. Some like other "real" men of course but quie a few seem to be attracted to guys like me who are on the outside elegantly boyish but don't act particularly feminine, just a bit more innocent. I learned to put on this aspect of purity and being a bit oblivious which seems to attract at least the handful I went to bed with. A sense of virginity, that's what seems to attract them the most.

I've come to realize a relationship probably wouldn't interest me. The perfect thing for me would be a secretive sexual relation to relieve pressure. I found some guys seem to appreciate the fact I'm a guy and not "clingy like the girls" but at the same time they want to talk about how women drives them crazy, and they are usually turned on by my constructive input as strange as it may sound. One particular guy seemed to want me as a combined psychologist/lover and he kept repeating "it's so much easier with guys" even though he always went back to the women in the end. Those guys in general seem to like the hidden feminine sensitivity in my mind and outer charisma.

The funny thing is, I'm such an inependent one man person that I don't feel used or jealous or anything. When a guy like that goes back to his women, I spend my time the way I want it. It works best for me. A theoretical relationship with "someone who is like me" is just an unrealistic dream born from my own imagination.

It's good that you've found your niche, especially for the guys you have a fetish for. I'm not surprised the guys appreciate the "no strings attached" (NSA) relationships. I guess the main thing is to just ignore the guys that are hitting on you that you don't want, though I do understand it's hard to reject people without hurting their feelings.

When you say you want a relationship with "someone like you" -- what do you mean?

I used to dream about some kind of imagination twin of myself who really understood me. Of course no such person exists and I even doubt a relationship like that would be fun in the long run. It's just depressive thinking.

Awww Princess, maybe if they got to know you they wouldn't hit on you.

sb15, that's completely inappropriate and unnecessary. Knock it off.

Zoonic, your situation is completely foreign to me... but I admire your ability to recognize yourself and what seems to make you comfortable. Why did you choose surgery to augment your appearance, if I might ask?


M.

I started with the surgery 3½ years ago or so, I had thought about it for some time because I knew I had to chose between aging and being average in my 30's or finishing surgery around 25 and actually looking better than ever before. With a good surgeon and some perseverance, because getting good results will take more than one surgery since it's more a case of giving the face an overall makeover by changing small things here and there, it's possible to achieve nice improvements. There's this horror image of surgery based on extreme measures done by extreme people going to extreme surgeons 15-20 years ago, but reality isn't very much like that.
Today it's common with people who did a lot more minor surgery alltogether than me, and it still doesn't look "overdone" like with some old celebrities who had things done more than a decade ago. It's not uncommon with women who had around 10 different minor surgeries to the face without even looking damaged or anything. I only had three things done myself.

Surgery also varies with nationality. In Europe the top surgeons in Sweden, Switzerland, UK etc do small step by step improvements, while surgeons in Brazil, Iran or Mexico, though very skilled as well, usually prefer very dramatic changes like taking off 50% of a person's nose in one go. It gives a more "plastic" result over time imo if you look at for example dark southern women who had their nose changed into "skijump" shape in just one surgery or a large amount injected into their lips in just one go.
European lip surgery is done by using natural fat and building it up slowly. You inject it, 80% dissapears, you inject again, 70% dissapears etc you do it a few more times and you get a permanent but very natural result compared to the mexicans/venezuela/brazil/iran/south africa etc practices where it's more common to use forceful methods.

Surgery involves living, organic material so the body always tries to restore itself to the original mode. This is something people don't understand if they never had surgery. The body actually wants to go back all the way and enlargements will shrink, noses being elevated will sink a bit etc but it's still better overall results to do things step by step than to get huge, forceful changes in one procedure. Forcing the body to change so fast makes it look unnatural.

Last edited by Zoonic on 22 May 2009, 2:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.

That's a pretty reasonable and well-rationed approach to the process, I must commend you there. The prospect does not appeal to me, in that changing my hair style after this long is a bit daunting to me to face, but I can see the basis for your decision. Thank you for sharing.


M.

Zoonic.. i have no idea how you feel, think & see the world, however you are getting "hit on" apparently quite a lot.. i would have to ask, is this not enough? no disrespect intended. just i would be pretty amazed if anyone "hit on" me.
i'm sure there's more to it, just it is kinda disheartening to read for me. this is my problem though, i'm lonely.
anyways i mean no harm, just rambling

I think getting hit on is to a very large degree about how you fix up your exterior. I could, if I wanted to, skip my grooming and stuff, wear my hair like a pagan worshipper from the northern wastes and start dressing in avantgarde combat boots and a matrix coat and tbh I don't think many people would hit on me. I see a lot of naturally good looking people with potential who just don't do anything with their image to the outside world and a lot of these end up being percieved as "unattractive".

It happens fairly often that kind of chap who would probably describe himself as "just a regular guy" tries to chat me up. I feel like Dorothea Brooke from George Eliot's Middlemarch in these situations: How could he possibly imagine that I would like him?!

How do you perceive the balance or combination of external and internal attractors, then? Is it purely visual for you, or do charisma/swagger, voice, articulation, personality also play a role in your attraction, both in how you are attracted to others and how you aim to attract them?


M.

Of course it matters. The way I see it is, a highly average exterior can have a very negative effect on how someone's personality is percieved because everything else about a person is a bit reduced if you don't try to look your best.