Why do women always like to mess with guys?

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KenM, I'm with you -- I used to have this same exact problem until I finally started being more of a self-centered jerk and got a girlfriend.

Here's what is happening -- women are very good at reading from a guy's externals (the way they act, emote, and dress) what their situation is. Women you are meeting are writing you off as boyfriend material, and the ones that do want anything to do with you see that you are overeager to please. These women tend to specialize in using guys, and you are exactly what they look for.

Now, it's not all women who are like this, but there is a definite group of women who make a career out of using guys without reciprocating in any meaningful way. It really could have nothing to do with how nice a guy you are, but just that you are willing to offer "credit" too easily. You're like a bank that isn't requiring any collateral or background checks for a big loan.

The solution -- stop being so nice and helpful, and stop being available. It's the same rationale women use for not giving up sex without a relationship or marriage -- why buy the cow if you are getting the milk for free? You sir, are giving away a lot of free milk.

Start taking pride in yourself, spending time alone or with guy friends, and not putting women on a pedestal. Make a more sincere effort to have reciprocating relationships with women. If and when a woman starts asking for favors, treat that as a big warning sign. If she has done stuff for you, fine, reciprocate, but if not, well guess what? Tell her you're "busy," and make no long excuses. She'll get the hint -- reciprocate or fade into history. It might hurt, but in the long run, women like that just waste your time, scare away the ones who will really value you, and just make you feel bad about yourself.

You don't have to be an outright jerk to avoid being used though... in my junior year of high school, I was in a biology class where 4 women tried to use me because I was the one person that knew anything in the class... While I was willing to be helpful as I usually am to those that are at the very least cordial with em, I did let them know that I wasn't taking any of their s**t if they tried to pull that with me...

That said, previous to that class, I was used a lot...

Thank you, Tim_Tex!

I'm sorry I mis understood. I thought I was responding to how I felt about my relationship with her as a whole. Not just that one thing.

My point is in a friendship, you should want to do things with each other, hang out, movies, ect.. She only came over when she wanted something, not when I asked if she wanted to come over because I wanted to do stuff with her.
I felt I had a friendship with that other women I was interested in romantically that I talked about on here. The one that just wanted to smoke pot all the time so I broke it off with her. At least she would call me up and want to do things with me. I'd call her,she'd call me, ect.. The airport girl would only contact me when she wanted something.

Airport girl is a user -- don't return her calls any more. Cut people like that out of your life, and make room for those who do reciprocate.

This is an easy process -- It might feel bad at first, but just start not calling people like that back. Let all of your calls go to voicemail, and when it is them, delete the message. Don't ever return any of their calls. If they do ever get you on the phone, tell them you are busy. It's amazingly refreshing. And then actually find something you want to do, by yourself or with a real friend, instead. Don't ever waste any of your time on a person who doesn't reciprocate. And if they insist, insist on being paid for your time, and charge a premium on your own free time.

I have already broken contact with her some time ago.

Then what's the problem?

PaganMom

There is no issue with her anymore. But I was using my experence with her as an example of why I felt girls would mess with guys, why I started this thread. But I am working on my atittiude and points of view with other things. But this paticaullar women did mess with me.

I haven't paid that much attention to yours so I don't know.


I was once accused of going after you or something and I had no idea what that person was talking about. So I asked him what it was and he never answered which was annoying. This was through PM. I don't even remember who that person was that sent it. But he did ask me what do I have against KenM and I was able to answer that one because I knew what he was talking about. But I don't know why he thought I had something against you.

OK, maybe she did. None of us readers can ever know for sure. But if she did, the next question is, what did you do to enable it?

When I opened my browser there was an article about a woman with a hedge fund who had successfully used her sexuality to make contacts and gain inside information in a tough and competitive business. Not sleeping her way to the top, just charming her way. It reminded me of a woman one of my clients had been in business with. An alcoholic who continually got men to buy into her "pity me" stories and do all sorts of favors for her. Before my first meeting with her, all the men told me, "she's charming, you'll see." Well, I didn't, but I didn't tell them that. They had one after the other fallen for her act. I never would have. I can't imagine any woman doing so. But all these smart and successful men, one after the other, they sure did. Women like that are NOT the norm, but they attract and delude men like flies. I don't know how or why, it isn't just looks, it goes deeper than that, and whatever it is I couldn't fake it even if I wanted to. You learn to STAY CLEAR of these women.

Edit: I walked away from my computer and realized that I had once been sucked in by a male version. Attractive, interesting, and vulnerable. I think it was the vulnerability that really sucked me in, much more than anything else, as if he somehow was convincing me that with a little help from me he'd finally realize all that amazing potential, and I'd be rewarded. That ended up costing me in more ways than one.

Anyone can get sucked in. But I know hundreds of good people, and can count the users on one hand. It's just that the users get around so much, so many people encounter them, that they seem more prevalent than they really are. You have to remember that. The users make themselves noticed; the people you really want to know don't have that talent, but have something much better.

That is what I have to figure out so this kind of thing will not happen to me again. I do think I made myself too avaible to her and was too nice.

Last edited by KenM on 23 Nov 2009, 7:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ken, I added more to my post, above. I don't know if my personal experience will help, but maybe.

Ah, yes, we do.

OK, I'm one of the lucky ones, since I am now married, but I didn't start dating my husband until I was 34. Outside of that, I had two boyfriends, each for 6 months, between the ages of 17 and 34. In between those, maybe 5 - 10 guys I held "hope" with (I honestly don't remember well enough to count), give each one of those maybe a one month run of not feeling totally alone? So I still had 15 years of "waiting" and "looking" and "rejection." Some of it was miserable, some of it not. And it was ALL necessary to becoming who I am. Yeah, the power of hindsight from a happy place I just went about making my life, and making it for me, and me alone, because I always knew there was no guarantee of eventual marriage. Sometimes it was harder than others, I remember that, depending on how strongly I was buying into the societal "couples" message, and how crappy the last guy had treated me.

And I got to turn 30 right about when that report came out, that an educated woman who was 30 and not yet married pretty much had a better chance of being hit by lightening than ever being married.

My younger sister married for the first time last year, at age 42. She had a really rough time of it before that. A decent number of men, but they were all horrible to her.

There are worse things in life than being single. There are actually parts of being single that I miss.

I hate to say it, but it does sound like Ken was being used and taken advantage of for rides and such, but he should have known. To NTs, it isn't using, but I would never do such a thing or allow such a thing to be done to me.

Guys fall into this trap because they feel like they have no choice. At this point in their lives, they probably haven't had a lot of positive female attention, and what little attention they do deem as positive is from user girls like the ones he was complaining about. As guys gain more experience, in theory they should be able to sort out the wheat from the chaff. But part of that learning process is discovering that many women don't have our best intentions in mind, and that a certain % will use a guy without having any scruples about it.

Also -- I shouldn't really have to point this out, but this is a forum for Aspies, right? And a big part of being an Aspie for many of us is not being able to read the signs in a social situation, whether it is facial expression or a deeper ruleset. So let's not dogpile on this guy for having a clue when it comes to girls, when in fact many of us here don't have a clue at all in many social interactions. It's all about trial and error, and this guy is going through this process and sharing his pain (and venting a bit).

DW -- sorry to hear that you had such a hard time, and your sister too, but I have to ask -- what's wrong with you? Honestly --- can you attribute this difficulty to anything in particular? It's a little bit odd for two women, related to eachother and both straight, to have a problem finding a guy. How much of this was due to your own tastes or shyness? How much of this was due to you not wanting a relationship, really? (I base this on your "sometimes I still wish I was alone" comment). And if the answer to the above is "I don't know" or "nothing," can you really fault KenM for having the same frustrations and lack of visibility into what his issues are? This isn't meant as a personal attack, but more like a "look at that nice glass house you're living in."

I'd never do that sort of thing. I'm not even interested in guys. I never really was, and I don't think I'll ever be.