Could you be loved?

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It's a start. Have three more ready for tomorrow (and perhaps one of them will be that you got the book I've been bugging you about).

For now.....Do you have interest in music outside of religious music? I dated a man who was in a church band. His voice was wonderful. He didn't only sing religious music, however. Maybe you could reach out in that direction.

Well I have interest in other forms of music, sure, but the main constraint is my training. I find it very hard, almost impossible, to perform without sheet music in front of me (although memorized works too) and someone waving their arms in front of me...

You're not going to ask me for 3 more every day are you? I'd run out of things to say, and seeing as how you're one of the few people i know (real life or otherwise) that doesn't consider me a complete waste of time (my ex and my therapist are the other two i can think of, and my therapist is only because i pay her), I need to do whatever i can to not let go of that...

Of course I don't consider you a waste of time, Toad. If I had, I wouldn't have spent the time I have trying to help.

That said, good habits take practice to learn, and I want you to get in the habit of thinking good things about yourself. Let's try this - keep a running list, okay? I like your first three, so please add a fourth tomorrow. It doesn't have to be big or breathtaking, okay? It could be a kindness you've performed, a good thought you had, a step taken in the right direction, whatever. (Hint: buying the book would count, getting some exercise would count, eating one healthy snack would count, ace-ing an exam, singing a song, doing a meditation, etc.) The only requirement is that it has to be anything positive (no equivocation, no sarcasm, no qualification - just plain old-fashioned positive stuff).

You can do this, Toad because you are capable of doing at one least good thing for yourself every day, and acknowledging that act. I have faith in you - you can meet this expectation. It's getting to be Spring, Toad - time for rebirth and renewal and fresh starts. This is your time, Toad. You've already taken three steps, so get ready to take one more step tomorrow, okay?

Here are some of the things I'm good at. I'm guessing you'll be just as good at some of them, and maybe better.
* I make an excellent cup of tea.
* I like to bake - my ginger biscuits are easy to make and very delicious.
* I write - and I can tell from your posts on here that you have a knack for spelling and grammar.
* I review computer games. No, really! I won't go into details here - don't want to mix up "real" me and "this" me...
* I am an excellent proofreader.
* My work colleagues usually turn to me first with problems with Word/Excel/etc.
* I can read HTML.
* I sing, and have an excellent memory for music.
* I crack puns so excruciatingly awful they can cause nosebleeds. Okay, not really. But they *are* bad.
* I love flat-pack furniture, which to me is the grown-up equivalent of Lego, and have dismantled and reassembled various items for different house moves.
* ...I also have Lego.
* I have a loving relationship that has lasted eight years, despite house moves, job pressures, car accidents, funerals and a period when my partner slid into alcoholism.
* I have adapted to my condition to the point where my work colleagues don't know I have Asperger's (though doubtless they think I'm barking mad in some sense) - even though one of them is an aspie himself!
* I have been to many foreign countries, and always have a bash at learning the language. I have a German vocabulary of a few hundred words now, even though I can't string together a grammatically correct sentence!
* I run a small business in my spare time that has earned me a small but significant amount of pocket money.

That's enough for now! I'll be here all night otherwise!!

Way to pitch in, Thom. Care to share the ginger biscuit recipe?

The mere fact you can sing is a bonus. It's just cool.

By the way, I like the new avatar. It's a guy who isn't screaming. That's a good thing, right?

Ditto. New avatar is much better. Other guy screamed many negative things (pity party, poor me, placate me, etc.)

The new avatar is Reginald Barclay, a recurring character from Star Trek TNG. He's basically the aspie of the franchise, to put it succinctly (although it's never mentioned as such). The title is based on the first episode he appears, in which he uses the holodeck (a large room equipped with holographic projectors to create a virtual environment) to live out his fantasies, in which he feels a lot more confident (as compared to his timid, stuttering real-life personality), and the new signature is a quote from the episode...

I don't think it's anything special. Then again, I've been groomed practically from birth to sing (and probably from before, as my mother is a choir director), so I've been singing my whole life... It just never really occurred to me that such a thing could possibly be "cool"...

Such a geek. And yes, I knew immediately who th-th-that was.

I remember Barclay. Very relatable, but still frustrating! I always liked the scene where he shook Zefram Cochrane's hand in one of the movies. Heh!
Years after Voyager ended, I took the time to watch the entire series... Terrible! Hated it utterly! But Barclay's role in bringing em back was great, and very slightly redeeming.

Since I spoke coarsely and hastily, I feel I oughta reiterate something ... again... lest I allow the vast misunderstanding to continue....

Toad, you're actually correct that you should not change who you are to placate the masses, as you put it. However precise those words are, I was responding instead to what I perceived as the spirit behind your message: that you were unwilling to make any changes to your life, your social behavior, etc.

This has been repeated over and over on this forum, but once again:
No one here really believes that an abandonment of core values, ideals, likes & dislikes, etc, is a good idea. The idea is to remain true to yourself, and improving that same self. The things that I, and others, propose changing are mostly physical, schedule, and emotional habits. Stuff like that. You are not innately a sour person, you are not innately difficult to meet, etc. None of that is a part of your core personality. They're mostly just habits you picked up, not all that dissimilar from, for instance, smoking as a habit.

I understand the resentment to make changes that are uncomfortable, and take effort, for the sake of others who seem to be rejecting you for no good reason. I get that.
But by categorizing any conceivable description of you as "Simply Who You Are" is incredibly rigid, and illogically selective. In reality, you change things about yourself all the time. Why are these things, which cause so much pointless difficulty in your life, so sacred? Your values and ethical sensibilities are not being touched, nor your sense of humor, your dreams, aspirations, and motivations, your good rapport with friends and loved ones, your appreciation of others, your empathy, etc.... Utterly untouched. Those are worth protecting. In a way, by lumping in this other stuff, these things that don't reflect your core ideals, you're lessening the relative importance of the big stuff.

Loosen up. Think about whats important about you, and what's simply window dressing.

But that's just it... if I slip back to narcissism, a lot of these core values will change. I lose the dream to find a special someone in my life if I live only for myself, I'll end up alienating my friends and family, I will not be able to appreciate others anymore, and I will become a monster with no empathy... If you ask why I keep hating myself despite the fact that it's counter-intuitive to my goals, it's because I'm afraid of the person I would become, and the hurt it would inflict on all the people I've grown to care about...If I keep all my love for myself, I won't have any for the people that I think deserve that love more than I do...

Toad, why do you have this all or nothing thinking as far as either a person is insecure and faithful to their loved ones or narcissistic and abandoning everything? Losing some weight, the defeatist thinking, being more open minded would not turn you into a narcissist.

I get the impression you see people like me, or especially me, on the board, and say "If I end up more confident, I'll turn into him." My relationship with my family has improved if anything since I made positive changes, and I'm able to talk to women, on and off the internet, because I no longer look at them as "another species."

People can probably sense when you walk around that you don't respect yourself, and that is a big turnoff, almost as bad, if not worse, than outright arrogance.

It's funny, really...you and TimTex are the talking points of this board a lot, but you two have two opposing problems...you don't value yourself enough...he values himself too much. However, your situation is easier to remedy because you're inherently a good, non-judgmental person. You're a christian, but have never spoke once of judging other people or being a hypocrite about it.

I know you don't want to hear this, but I'd suggest just continuing to work with your therapist, talk to people on this board (as long as you continue to be open-minded) and not worrying about a girlfriend for the time being. There is nothing a girlfriend can offer you at the moment (especially since you aren't an overtly sexual person) that your friends, the people at church, and your family can't offer you.

I think you're missing out about the core value of narcissism: Loving yourself. A lot of what I read in your posts actually don't point to narcissism, but more to a self-defeat or loathing. You don't seem to like or love yourself enough.

Don't feel that 100% self-sacrifice and loving others is the way to go. With anything, moderation is good. Right now, you appear to have swung too far to the negative side and a bit of more self-focus in a positive way may do you good.