How do you handle compliments?

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jagatai
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29 Jun 2012, 7:16 pm

IlovemyAspie wrote:
jagatai wrote:
IlovemyAspie wrote:
I've been told on this forum that jumping someone (who is an Aspie) is the way to go sometimes if you want to get your message across. :D


On the issue of Aspies needing a bit more obviousness from an interested party, it's true, but unfortunately even extreme shows of interest might not get through. I usually don't really understand what a woman is trying to communicate until about 5 to 10 years later. Usually by this time she has already moved on. :D

Actually I had a woman tell me directly that she wanted to have an affair with me. I suspected her boyfriend might disapprove and anyway, if she were that inclined to cheat on her boyfriend, I figured she'd by likely to cheat on me. But even with that directness, I still have trouble understanding what she really wanted. In the years since, I have come to the conclusion that really what she wanted was to break up with her boyfriend and the only way she could think to break it off was to get him to break up with her because she cheated on him. I don't know if this is what she was doing, but it seems likely.

I've actually had a surprising number of women be fairly direct with me, although usually I don't understand what is going on until much later. For example when the woman standing in my bedroom said "Don't you just want to get naked some times?" I said "No" because generally I don't like being naked. I suspect the only thing more direct is if she had thrown me onto the bed and jumped on top of me. And I suspect I would have reacted badly if she had done this.

As to compliments, I have learned to just say "Thank you" I might not entirely believe the compliment, but I find that by saying "Thank you" I don't offend the person giving the compliment and the situation doesn't get into one of those situations where the person keeps insisting on giving the compliment while I keep refusing it. On the whole, it's easier that way.



I've never been the "jumping" type. It took months for my guy to realized I "seem to take an interest in him" as he put it. And that was okay, I just turned up the 'volume' until he got it and that was that.


Sounds like you are doing it right. :)


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AScomposer13413
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29 Jun 2012, 8:07 pm

IlovemyAspie wrote:
Palakol wrote:
IlovemyAspie wrote:
Not even a hint that she was interested in you while you were together?

I'm trying to figure that last one out. I keep reading and re-reading and I'll still at a lost. Give me a sec, it may come to me.

I'm actually not sure, I'm pretty stupid with that. I don't really know what the signs of attraction are when I stop to think about it. (I've actually pissed off a few women in the past for not trying anything with them.) The one successful female who said she was attracted to me made it very clear by jumping me in my sleep. (We were together for around a year after that.)


So it's entirely possible that she did show some signs of attraction, you just didn't realize it.

I've been told on this forum that jumping someone (who is an Aspie) is the way to go sometimes if you want to get your message across. :D


Do you mean jumping or "jumping" here??



Palakol
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29 Jun 2012, 11:06 pm

Quite possible, I suppose. But I just don't personally see it.

The "jumper" and I did have something initial going on though. I think it's what some people refer to as "chemistry" or something. I had known her for a while and she always tried to talk to me (most of the time unsuccessfully) but she was always with someone else. One lonely night when she was single, she was just starved for some action and told her friend, my cousin, who in turn sent me over. I came over to her condo in the middle of the night, laid on her bed next to her, talked to her about stuff like life and philosophy and common acquaintances and she pretended to be interested, then I left early morning. She was apparently pissed about that, and plotted with my cousin to get me alone the next day. We were left alone again and there was nothing to talk about so I went to sleep. After a few minutes she mounted me, waking me up, and what happened next should probably be discussed in the Adult's section. Whatever it was though, it felt right. She was attractive and could have any guy she wanted and I really didn't understand why she kept calling me back, but it physically felt right and I couldn't argue with that. And now that the line had been drawn on what was appropriate I was able to initiate on my own (thought sometimes I still screwed-up with the time and place). She had BPD, which probably balanced-out the relationship. Plus, being both "crazy", gave us the impression that it was us against the world.

Everyone else I just couldn't see what their motives were, so I'm quite skeptical about believing them. No matter how many times my stripper ex-girlfriend (technically) tells me she "loves me" I'm still contemplating what could possibly be in it for her. Because everyone has a motive. Everyone is plotting something. The problem with me is I never know what it really is. I feel like Ned Stark from The Game of Thrones, and we all know what happened to him...



IlovemyAspie
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30 Jun 2012, 12:07 am

Palakol wrote:
Quite possible, I suppose. But I just don't personally see it.

The "jumper" and I did have something initial going on though. I think it's what some people refer to as "chemistry" or something. I had known her for a while and she always tried to talk to me (most of the time unsuccessfully) but she was always with someone else. One lonely night when she was single, she was just starved for some action and told her friend, my cousin, who in turn sent me over. I came over to her condo in the middle of the night, laid on her bed next to her, talked to her about stuff like life and philosophy and common acquaintances and she pretended to be interested, then I left early morning. She was apparently pissed about that, and plotted with my cousin in to get me alone the next day. We were left alone again and there was nothing to talk about so I went to sleep. After a few minutes she mounted me, waking me up, and what happened next should probably be discussed in the Adult's section. Whatever it was though, it felt right. She was attractive and could have any guy she wanted and I really didn't understand why she kept calling me back, but it physically felt right and I couldn't argue with that. And now that the line had been drawn on what was appropriate I was able to initiate on my own (thought sometimes I still screwed-up with the time and place). She had BPD, which probably balanced-out the relationship. Plus, being both "crazy", gave us the impression that it was us against the world.

Everyone else I just couldn't see what their motives were, so I'm quite skeptical about believing them. No matter how many times my stripper ex-girlfriend (technically) tells me she "loves me" I'm still contemplating what could possibly be in it for her. Because everyone has a motive. Everyone is plotting something. The problem with me is I never know what it really is. I feel like Ned Stark from The Game of Thrones, and we all know what happened to him...


Damn Lannisters!! !



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30 Jun 2012, 8:15 am

I get complimented all the time but it never goes any where that doesn't bother me though. I typicaly grin and act cocky like, Am complimented on my accent every day at work as am a Irish Bartender, I just wink and say "Ack I know, Shame we can't all sound like me eh".


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Palakol
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08 Jul 2012, 6:27 am

IlovemyAspie wrote:
Damn Lannisters!! !

Hey. So not to throw a curve-ball at the situation, but I'm friends with the previously-aforementioned female on Facebook, and apparently she's engaged now. Now I'm really confused.



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08 Jul 2012, 3:12 pm

This is an interesting thread actually. Coincidentally, I was talking about the 'compliments' issue with a friend the other day. I may have been slightly intoxicated but I still remember the conversation. I don't know how to take compliments at all, but, like many who have posted here, I tend to say thanks whilst having this really awkward feeling inside of me.

The thing is, I more often than not get told that I look 'tired' or 'ill' rather than 'pretty' or 'lovely' and, as I believe compliments to be largely veered toward the superficial as opposed to about achievements or personality, this is somewhat disheartening for me. Just to outline a few things about myself: I do regard myself as feminine but not overly so in that I don't wear make-up (I can't because of my job). I am not a modelesque stick insect, I would say I was slim but I am short so I feel a little bit stumpy. I also wanted to join the forces at one point (not a particularly feminine pursuit I know but hey ho). Basically, I don't really stand out in any way so the girls that do stand out get the compliments while I get told the aformentioned (great, thanks people). Hence when I do receive a compliment, I feel like I am being mocked and this upsets me because I know I am not someone that people look at and think 'wow, she's gorgeous'. I also feel like someone wants a favour from me and that they are buttering me up so that I will perform said favour. This is a horrible feeling.

The other week, I actually did something with my hair (I had it cut and coloured) and I had my eyebrows threaded (for those of you who don't know what this is, it where your eyebrows are shaped using threads to pluck your eyebrows instead of tweezers). However, I developed a slight rash on my arm as I suffer from eczema (this rash was about the same diameter as a pimple or a spot so it really wasn't that big) and, despite that, this was one of the first things someone at work noticed. I got upset at this point saying 'oh so I have had a few inches cut off my hair and it's a different colour and you're telling me about a tiny rash that I am already aware of? Gee, thanks!' Apparently this person felt really bad afterwards but hey that's not my problem. I felt horrible too. Does anyone else actually feel like I do?

I also feel awkward about complimenting other people as I am unsure as to whether or not they are questioning my motives - does she have the hots for me? What does she want? All I want is to be nicer to others than they seem to want to be to me for whatever reason, what's wrong with that?? I just don't get people sometimes. If I was one of the pretty people, I could say whatever I liked and others would love it I'm sure.


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MightyMorphin
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08 Jul 2012, 3:28 pm

Just a bit of a "heh" or "thanks". Sometimes I don't even say anything and might even do something like "mmmm". I don't actually accept compliments or even handle them well. I don't even believe them. I believe everyone has a motive and wants to use me some way or another.



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09 Jul 2012, 9:23 am

I do not accept compliments well. My self esteem is relatively high, but I still hate getting them. Now, if it's a compliment like "I like your Edward Scissorhands shirt" I'd accept that no problem. Now, if you watch me untie my hair(I thought staring wasn't polite?)and tell me "You should wear your hair down more often it's a good look for you". I'm not gonna accept it.


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09 Jul 2012, 11:36 am

For me it depends on what the person is complimenting. I tend to disbelieve complements on my physical appearance excluding my outfits and hair. I don't usually believe they are genuine because I don't think I am pretty. Occasionally I get annoyed when someone complements my intelligence. Sometimes people assume I am dumb because I don't talk much and my AS makes me come across as less intelligent. But my intelligence isn't hard to notice if someone pays attention. So in my mind I am like "Really? You just now realized that?" :roll:

I love compliments on my sense of humor and sense of style.

No matter if I appreciate the compliment or not I usually respond with a smile and a thank you. If I really think it is undeserved then I may say, "Aw thanks, I don't think so, but that is nice."



IlovemyAspie
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09 Jul 2012, 12:35 pm

Palakol wrote:
IlovemyAspie wrote:
Damn Lannisters!! !

Hey. So not to throw a curve-ball at the situation, but I'm friends with the previously-aforementioned female on Facebook, and apparently she's engaged now. Now I'm really confused.


Is this the "jumper"????


This is the way another member explained it to me:
It's about the tangible and intagible. For most Aspies, if he or she cannot visualize or see the logic behind something that is said, chances are it's going to be rejected.

I think this may have been expressed earlier in this thread but this explanation really made an impression on me. It was my lightbulb moment.

{Thanks!! you know who you are)



Palakol
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09 Jul 2012, 4:49 pm

IlovemyAspie wrote:
Is this the "jumper"????


This is the way another member explained it to me:
It's about the tangible and intagible. For most Aspies, if he or she cannot visualize or see the logic behind something that is said, chances are it's going to be rejected.

I think this may have been expressed earlier in this thread but this explanation really made an impression on me. It was my lightbulb moment.

{Thanks!! you know who you are)

No, that was a long time ago. She was crazier than I was.

Yeah, I guess so. I was thinking just a few hours ago, anyone giving me compliments like that is most likely trying to sell something. A matter of mind-reading and borderline-defining ability I suppose.



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12 Aug 2012, 12:13 pm

Compliments from people are fake and don't mean s#!t to me. This world is full of fake people who will say anything to get something out of you. When I get a compliment I just say, "yeah right", "whatever", or "f**k you". Sometimes I give them a weird, dirty look. Compliments to me are offensive and insulting.