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I played a mind game on my gf.

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lost561
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29 Oct 2013, 10:56 am

Shau, it is girly when you are jumping around like the energizer bunny on the dance floor. You are supposed to be dancing but in controlled movements. Just observe how other guys are dancing at the club when you are out and follow them.



Schneekugel
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29 Oct 2013, 11:04 am

lost561 wrote:
Shau, it is girly when you are jumping around like the energizer bunny on the dance floor. You are supposed to be dancing but in controlled movements. Just observe how other guys are dancing at the club when you are out and follow them.


In comparison to my Star-Wars gimmick at the back window of my car. What relevant reason does exist, to do as you suppose? I know that as an adult I am not supposed to have bighead Darth Vader bouncing in my car, but until now noone ever could give me a reason for it, could not tell me how anyone would be negatively affected by it?

So if you suppose him not to dance, as he likes, what reason do you have, so who is damaged by him dancing the way he likes? Whats bad, upon him having fun dancing and not being into the mood of ruining that for him, by forcing him to control his movement?



lost561
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29 Oct 2013, 11:23 am

Schneekugel wrote:
lost561 wrote:
Shau, it is girly when you are jumping around like the energizer bunny on the dance floor. You are supposed to be dancing but in controlled movements. Just observe how other guys are dancing at the club when you are out and follow them.


In comparison to my Star-Wars gimmick at the back window of my car. What relevant reason does exist, to do as you suppose? I know that as an adult I am not supposed to have bighead Darth Vader bouncing in my car, but until now noone ever could give me a reason for it, could not tell me how anyone would be negatively affected by it?

So if you suppose him not to dance, as he likes, what reason do you have, so who is damaged by him dancing the way he likes? Whats bad, upon him having fun dancing and not being into the mood of ruining that for him, by forcing him to control his movement?


you're RIGHT WOMAN YOU KNOW EVERYTHING SHAU LISTEN TO HER!



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29 Oct 2013, 5:40 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Shau wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
My co-worker explains to me that its best to remain practical in moments when the other gets emotional.


8O

Yea, probably solid advice from now on.

I FORGOT AN IMPORTANT, CRITICAL DETAIL that influenced my decision. She'd been complaining about a wide range of stuff, but a large proportion of it was about things I was doing that were "girly" or "not manly enough". For example, if I moved around too much while dancing, I needed to "dance like man". If I complained about something even as a joke, I was "making girly comment. Only girl complain." So between the domineering behavior and these constant challenges to my manhood, I felt I needed to do something very assertive in order to make it clear that I had a spine and didn't have to put up with her sh**.

Remembering that fact, now I'm 100% positive a major standing up to her was necessary. I accept there's probably better ways to do them, but tell that to my emotionally upset, relationship-naive self a few days ago. :P



Can't...resist to ... say it but that is so so so typical eastern; I am living among this.

"Men don't act like", " You are a man, don't do this /don't wear that color", "You must do this, you're a man", "this is girly" - so common

It's women, not just men, who often imply men behavior on men, especially their men, and keep drawing a definite line between men behavior and women's.

As my mother once put it: "In the east, they only see men and women but not humans" - extreme eh? but can't be more true, she said that sarcastically when politicians on TV were extremely mocking the manhood of a rival one for showing tears on air because of some tragedy back then (killed kids in air strike). That shows how much Gender is so defining of person in this part of the world.

I am not trying to scare you Shau, but I am giving insight on what you are dealing with. How much your western mind can tolerate these gender-ised comments and guidelines before you crack? Because you are dealing with that exact same mentality mentioned above, if you are not close to her own idea of a "man" she has in mind then this girl will tire you a lot.... a lot.

I was dating a Brazilian woman for a month and had the same problem, everything was criticised from how a man should act or do etc. It was indeed tiring. I really tried keeping up, but I just ended up being a push over.



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29 Oct 2013, 6:00 pm

Shau wrote:
She was complaining about everything I was doing lately. It was starting to really wear me down, so I told her that since she has to complain so much about me, that maybe it means that a breakup should happen. She got upset, said she was sorry, and told me I was the best boyfriend she's ever had.

lol

So later we went to the beach to make up, and now everything is fine.



How is that playing a mind game? Really if someone is always complaining about their partner, doesn't it mean they should break up because things are not working out?

You stated a fact and she backpedaled. You let her know the solution and she realized.


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29 Oct 2013, 6:10 pm

Shau wrote:
Seemed like a mind game to me. I deliberately evoked the fear of a breakup even when I wasn't considering one...yet.


Oh I see. I used to tell my first ex boyfriend I was thinking about breaking up with him or going to and I was thinking it at the time and he would act all cool about it and one day I did break up with him after the last straw and then he was all upset. I never understood why he would not care if we break up ad he would go if we break up, we break up" and acting like it's no big deal and then all of a sudden it was when I did do it.

I thought later on maybe he didn't realize how he would feel when it happens and now I am thinking he may have thought I was playing a mind game and then he was like "damn, she was actually thinking about it when she said it" and was upset about it and saying how he screwed up.


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29 Oct 2013, 7:08 pm

Having read the posts about what the OP's girlfriend was saying, I do think standing up to her was a good idea, but it maybe could have been gone about differently, perhaps with either the direct approach, i.e. "I don't appreciate you talking to me like that all the time", or with some gently teasing barbs, for example with the dancing, "Well, you seem to be quite the expert on being a man. Is there something you're not telling me?", or with the complaining,"You'd certainly know, what with all the complaining you do?"

-------------

On an entirely unrelated note, I have a dog, and I notice that small dogs tend to bark louder and more furiously to try to convince people that they're big and threatening, and I was just wondering if the same thing applied to human males and their testicles.


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29 Oct 2013, 10:40 pm

Schneekugel wrote:
About the non-dancing topic. From my opinion, if your girlfriend is still into teenie mindplaygames, that are a waste for an relationship, then you rather should focus of getting that behavior out of your relationship, instead of hardening it, by agreeing into being her "mindgames" playpartner.


Technically she didn't play any mind games, she was just being domineering. I'm the one that played the mind game.

Quote:
So I think rather then winning the mindgames with your partner, you would have that mindgames totally terminated.


First time I've ever deliberately played a mind game on someone like that, social or romantic, and I would hardly miss seeing them go.

Quote:
That means on one side to make yourself more stable against such mindgames, by realizing that you are who you are, and if the way you are is not hurtening someone, then you dont need to bother yourself about being the way you are.


Well the problem is that she's got a history of being very dominating toward her friends and boyfriends, something she'd trying to fix. The mind game was basically used as a defense against all of her domineering.

Quote:
If you do too large steps in a dance, where doing so simply causes physical problems, that not a critic upon you, but simply a realization of actual physics.


Once again, it's club dancing. There's no defined "steps" or anything.

You talked quite a bit more about other stuff, and I'm going to address that, but not here. I'm going to make another thread with an update.

lost561 wrote:
Shau, it is girly when you are jumping around like the energizer bunny on the dance floor. You are supposed to be dancing but in controlled movements. Just observe how other guys are dancing at the club when you are out and follow them.


Most of the other guys around the room are basically just bobbing their heads. If I so much as put a little bit of sway into my arms or body that's apparently too girly. I'm honestly inclined to stick to real dancing like contra or salsa...sitting around bobbing my head to pop music for 2 hours surrounded by drunken neurotypicals is NOT my idea of a fun night out.]

Who Am I wrote:
Having read the posts about what the OP's girlfriend was saying, I do think standing up to her was a good idea, but it maybe could have been gone about differently...


That's pretty much the lesson I'm taking here. +1 relationship knowledge for Shau!

League_Girl wrote:
Shau wrote:
Seemed like a mind game to me. I deliberately evoked the fear of a breakup even when I wasn't considering one...yet.


Oh I see.


Yea, lol. I was getting there, though. It's not like I made the decision lightly.



aspiemike
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30 Oct 2013, 9:33 pm

[off topic] Shau... if she likes salsa dancing.. take some classes with her. Just remember that you have to make sure you lead and that she knows this. :wink:
[/off topic]


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31 Oct 2013, 9:18 am

Who_Am_I wrote:
Having read the posts about what the OP's girlfriend was saying, I do think standing up to her was a good idea, but it maybe could have been gone about differently, perhaps with either the direct approach, i.e. "I don't appreciate you talking to me like that all the time", or with some gently teasing barbs, for example with the dancing, "Well, you seem to be quite the expert on being a man. Is there something you're not telling me?", or with the complaining,"You'd certainly know, what with all the complaining you do?"

-------------



The second joke would be very offensive for the typical Eastern girl.



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31 Oct 2013, 6:41 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
Having read the posts about what the OP's girlfriend was saying, I do think standing up to her was a good idea, but it maybe could have been gone about differently, perhaps with either the direct approach, i.e. "I don't appreciate you talking to me like that all the time", or with some gently teasing barbs, for example with the dancing, "Well, you seem to be quite the expert on being a man. Is there something you're not telling me?", or with the complaining,"You'd certainly know, what with all the complaining you do?"

-------------



The second joke would be very offensive for the typical Eastern girl.


If she doesn't want to be offended, she shouldn't complain about so many (perfectly harmless) things that he does.


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Authentic cadence: V-I
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Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I


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01 Nov 2013, 4:30 am

Who_Am_I wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
Having read the posts about what the OP's girlfriend was saying, I do think standing up to her was a good idea, but it maybe could have been gone about differently, perhaps with either the direct approach, i.e. "I don't appreciate you talking to me like that all the time", or with some gently teasing barbs, for example with the dancing, "Well, you seem to be quite the expert on being a man. Is there something you're not telling me?", or with the complaining,"You'd certainly know, what with all the complaining you do?"

-------------



The second joke would be very offensive for the typical Eastern girl.


If she doesn't want to be offended, she shouldn't complain about so many (perfectly harmless) things that he does.


Double standards, tell me about it.



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01 Nov 2013, 4:42 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
Having read the posts about what the OP's girlfriend was saying, I do think standing up to her was a good idea, but it maybe could have been gone about differently, perhaps with either the direct approach, i.e. "I don't appreciate you talking to me like that all the time", or with some gently teasing barbs, for example with the dancing, "Well, you seem to be quite the expert on being a man. Is there something you're not telling me?", or with the complaining,"You'd certainly know, what with all the complaining you do?"

-------------



The second joke would be very offensive for the typical Eastern girl.


If she doesn't want to be offended, she shouldn't complain about so many (perfectly harmless) things that he does.


Double standards, tell me about it.


I think Who_Am_I was being sarcastic there. Funny how women are the only ones setting boundaries, have anyone ever heard of men setting boundaries and I'm excluding asexuals here... sorry :P



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01 Nov 2013, 4:51 am

Stalk wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
Having read the posts about what the OP's girlfriend was saying, I do think standing up to her was a good idea, but it maybe could have been gone about differently, perhaps with either the direct approach, i.e. "I don't appreciate you talking to me like that all the time", or with some gently teasing barbs, for example with the dancing, "Well, you seem to be quite the expert on being a man. Is there something you're not telling me?", or with the complaining,"You'd certainly know, what with all the complaining you do?"

-------------



The second joke would be very offensive for the typical Eastern girl.


If she doesn't want to be offended, she shouldn't complain about so many (perfectly harmless) things that he does.


Double standards, tell me about it.


I think Who_Am_I was being sarcastic there. Funny how women are the only ones setting boundaries, have anyone ever heard of men setting boundaries and I'm excluding asexuals here... sorry :P


Oh, I was deathly serious.

Since you seem to be implying that women won't let men have boundaries, I hereby use the authority invested in me as a woman to allow you to have boundaries and to state and defend said boundaries.


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Music Theory 101: Cadences.
Authentic cadence: V-I
Plagal cadence: IV-I
Deceptive cadence: V- ANYTHING BUT I ! !! !
Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I


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01 Nov 2013, 4:58 am

Congrats, Sir. Stalk.



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01 Nov 2013, 6:29 am

Who_Am_I wrote:
Stalk wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
Having read the posts about what the OP's girlfriend was saying, I do think standing up to her was a good idea, but it maybe could have been gone about differently, perhaps with either the direct approach, i.e. "I don't appreciate you talking to me like that all the time", or with some gently teasing barbs, for example with the dancing, "Well, you seem to be quite the expert on being a man. Is there something you're not telling me?", or with the complaining,"You'd certainly know, what with all the complaining you do?"

-------------



The second joke would be very offensive for the typical Eastern girl.


If she doesn't want to be offended, she shouldn't complain about so many (perfectly harmless) things that he does.


Double standards, tell me about it.


I think Who_Am_I was being sarcastic there. Funny how women are the only ones setting boundaries, have anyone ever heard of men setting boundaries and I'm excluding asexuals here... sorry :P


Oh, I was deathly serious.

Since you seem to be implying that women won't let men have boundaries, I hereby use the authority invested in me as a woman to allow you to have boundaries and to state and defend said boundaries.

A man with boundaries is like owning a bag full of Zim dollars.