Fear and Loathing Toward my Future, Nonexistent Wife

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Yeah it's a different thing, my point is - I don't like to be constantly analyzed/judged/evaluated in almost everthing (who does?) - you may get exposed to such in friendships but in way less lengths than relationships- that's the impression I got from my limited experience in relationships at least.

There is no way you are going to be able to fabricate a relationship experience that you never had and keep that up, as you said you don't have the skills to make it plausible.

Anyway it would be better just to say straight up, "If you want out or if there is any problem just say so, don't play games, or give hints becuase I'm oblivious to that".

Most of the problem appears to be the shame of who you you are, that in itself gives you a diminished position compared to someone more forthright.

I think you position is hypocritical becuase your fears are no different than your own manipulation.

Sure I get what you mean, I think this varies in severity no? Is that your experience? Not everyone is going to be an inquisitor, although they may be curious.

Think of it this way. If they are on a date with you they are in the same position, so you could politely remind them of that indirectly. How about "It never quite worked out. Same for you?". Ask them a question. Even if it is not the same answers, they will have to answer becuase you did. Then you can move on to the next thing. If you want to avoid the inquisition then ask a milder question back.

Yeah this cannot be done, I mean the supposedly person in the related relationship can't just evaporate in the air, no real name? No trace? No social media trace? Nothing? What if she asked to see a pic of hers out of curiosity? I've seen it happening.

I think these things peak in the courting phase, as a part of "getting to know the person", then it fades out with time.



That may work about the past relationship experience question but I am not only talking about that, also if she happens to be in mid 20s, she'll use the young age excuse , I don't have this luxury.

The dates in 30s ...never asked me this question, I bet they were aware that it can backfire on them.

Just say that you heard that girls were were more mentally mature, and therefore dated guys that were older, but when you were their age you didn't find ones that in that bracket, they were too young and not particularly mature

Lying about relationships you've had does not seem to be working for you -- it's just as unsuccessful as you telling the truth about not having had any relationships ever.

Perhaps it's time to try a different approach? Like making an effort to acquire the social skills that seem to be preventing you from living the sort of life you want.

Not having experience may be permissible---although by no means encouraged---for a woman, but it's a kiss of death for a man. It signifies lack of social proofing. In layman's terms, it means this: "hasn't had a relationship before" = "no woman wanted him" = "something must be wrong with him" = "I shouldn't be with him". The only solutions are waiting for that rare gem of a woman, who may never come, that doesn't care about experience, OR give the people what they want. That means fabricate the past experiences that people want. Not everybody, obviously, but enough for me to do what I have to do.

If people successfully fabricated entire marriages to fool INS and DHS (ruthless immigration agencies in the US) that it's legit, then I can fabricate a simple relationship to convince a regular person that I'm an alpha. For instance, I can say that it was messy break-up, and I haven't spoken to her since. If she insists on a picture, I can find a solution for that too. Playing the game means always staying one step ahead.

Now, one thing that IS impossible to fabricate are past sexual experiences. But I've stayed one step ahead in that game: I hired an escort enough times that fabricating is totally unnecessary.

Again, in the bizarro world or the perfect world, finding sex and relationships would be as simple as most of us wish it were. But that's not where we live.

What a strange thread I have stumbled into

There is a saying that the way to make a lie believable is to believe it yourself. It looks like that has happened here and has been your undoing. You have gotten so skilled at creating detailed imaginary relationships complete with messy breakup that the person most convinced of their truth is you. Now you are suffering real stress over imaginary relationships.

Perhaps a way out of this trap is to step away from the fabrication and go with the truth, although worded in a way that doesn't give a red flag. Other posters have given examples of ways to do this. You have given a plausible reason for why you fabricate past relationships but the problem is you have gotten so good at it that you are starting to believe the fabrications and worry about the hypothetical future based on the fabricated past. It's time to re-enter reality by telling the truth on dates, although spun in a palatable way.

That would be a one funny lie that Aspie can use:

"Oh I have so many fans that I can't make up my mind who to pick!"

I can tell the truth in many ways, but underneath it all, it still screams "lack of experience", which is very bad for a man. I already said this in other posts before. Regardless of justifications, it all means one thing: "he hasn't had a relationship before" = "no woman wanted him" = "something must be wrong with him" = "I shouldn't be with him". Their human mind will listen and have sympathy, but evolutionary instincts will warn them to stay away from me. And to be honest, if I met a woman in her 30's who's never had a long-term relationship before, I'd be a little cautious too. The questions I'd wonder about the most is: "How does she treat new men in her life, that no one agreed to a relationship yet?" and "Does she withhold sex for so long, that others just left in frustration?" So this works both ways.

And believing your own fabrications is a good thing. For instance, when a cop pulls you over and says "do you know how fast you were going?", the ONLY answer you should give is "the speed limit" and sound convincing when you say it. Saying no, telling the truth, or giving a lower number is claiming ignorance, admitting guilt, or lying, all of which are a fast track to a ticket. You want to make that cop think that you want to follow the law, only the speed limit was different than what you thought it was. There are limits, pardon the pun, even here. DO NOT say "speed limit" if you were, for example, going 55 on a small residential street; then he'll know you're lying and will use it against you in court.

Or, you could just own your life as it is and deal with whatever fall out there may be. Like, you know, real ADULTS do.

Seriously, do you believe what you, yourself, write? What you wrote is the logic of someone who has never grown up; fantasizing reality based solely on what you think someone else prefers to hear. That is no way to live adult life, and doing so comes at a steep cost.

I prefer to see the parts of you that are capable of much more intelligent and responsible thought, because I know they exist.

What do I say when I get pulled over for speeding? "Sorry, I didn't realize I might have been going so fast," because that is the truth. I may get the ticket, I may not, but so be it. Paying a ticket isn't the end of the world. A person can and should own their mistakes (or their accurate personal history, as the case may be). That is what responsible adults DO.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 04 Mar 2015, 3:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There are times in this thread, Aspie1, when you write about "your" wife as if she already exists.. predicting slights and coming up with retaliation for things that haven't happened. It's very disturbing really. I think this fantasy is becoming real for you and it's not healthy.

I think you have a point. He is poisoning his own thoughts and perceptions with the lies believes he needs to create to get by.

Aspie1, no one is going to claim that owning your accurate history is easy. Short term, it will be a rough transition. But you get through that, and once you are through it, you realize that all your previous assumptions actually were wrong, and life is quite capable of embracing the real you. Give it a chance.

You are the person who has challenged me at times in Parenting in really interesting ways. I truly believe the real you is worth knowing.

I am afraid that my son will pee in bed.

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