Why do you think a relationship will make you happy?

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Perhaps I fail to see the negative in cynicism but if you ask me it's a marker of agile-minded people & honesty.

Do I feel cynical just sitting around programming? Absolutely but if anything I feel less cynical as a result.

No worries, I understand. I get defensive too sometimes.

I've caught alot of flak by my family for choosing a risky career path. "You need to go get a stable job so you can provide for a family" Ok cool. So because I was born with certain body parts I need to sacrifice my life for others. Good to know

I know everything there is to know about defensive. It's not a big deal to rational people, really. I fully expect everyone to be defensive because life is contentious. I don't even really see people who don't study with me, so I love people who distract me.

I might have found someone who understands me.
I find that acknowledging the bad, and even exploring it, helps me better appreciate the good.

As for the intention of this thread, I just think it's a healthy question, why do we want the things we want.

I think for me I focus on people more than anyone expects of me so we can learn with each other peacefully. If I'm not spending time with people I focus on anything which might create understanding. Considering that doesn't seem to include work in offices or online networking, I've absorbed a lot of Buddhism but I don't really believe life consists of suffering.

In essence I'm de-facto happy & everything else will eventually make us happy.

I struggle with that. Even doing things I love doesn't make me happy. I struggle to do things I used to enjoy. It's like I have no initiative.

I really miss doing that. It made me feel so much better. Even when we didn't have sex I just liked having skin on skin contact.

Look at these articles about how sex is beneficial to your health and celibacy is harmful to your health.

7 Healthy Reasons to Have Sex (Right Now!)

10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

12 Ways Sex Helps You Live Longer

How Lots of Sex Can Help You Live Longer

The Hidden Danger of Celibacy

Warning: Celibacy Can Be Hazardous to Your Health


I know the feeling. I want what you want yet if I tell people about it I look desperate and pathetic. When I talk to couples I feel like I have to pretend I don't mind being single, which is a lie.

i get what you are saying. life can be s**t. it takes some serious Will and Perseverance to make it thru. I've had those (monumental) moments myself. an attempt at suicide. a near breakdown. clinical depression. etc. i don't like to talk about myself but i wanted you to understand. i really and truly get it.

it's hard to say "f**k It" and get back up.

but one has to try, right? it's ok to rail against life and mope for a while but then, one has to get back on the horse before it gets to be too late and ALL one knows how to do is rail.

at least, that's what i tell myself on my better days. i want life to know i was f*****g HERE! and i LIVED. that i didn't go out without a whimper.

i'm just saying, keep fighting, keep trying, cos that's better than giving up. do you know what i mean?

Thing is, people who are going to be happy are happy people. People who are going to be miserable are miserable people. I'm not saying miserable people don't have some happy moments. I'm not saying happy people don't have tough times. But some people are presisposed to one and some people are predisposed to the other, and changing from one to the other isn't easy. Happy people won't be miserable because, well, why should they be? And miserable people won't work to be happy because it's too haaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrdddddd.

There are all sorts of people in between. People who prefer to wallow in their misery will say they want a relationship but won't work to do what it takes to get into a relationship. And even if they do manage to make it that far, their misery eventually catches up with them and they end up dragging down their partner. She yells at me when I play video games. She doesn't want sex same time I do. She'd rather go out with her friends than have a nice quiet night at home. She's going to dump me for an alpha and there's nothing I can do... I mean, geez, you work hard to get her and you change the game. You get a perfect girl, then try to change her. You get lazy. And you get whiny instead of proactive.

Or, even worse, you settle for what you can get and whine about how bad she treats you. Or how ugly and fat she is. Or how bad she smells. Or this or that bad habit. I think women have it worse in these situations. Like the guy who says he doesn't believe in getting physical before marriage (which is ok) and then does the old bait and switch after the nuptuals. Or he says he wants kids and then he never touches you. Sometimes you just did your best and the jerk just won't deliver. But often it's the case that there are obvious warning signs we were just too desperate to admit to. It can happen to anyone.

Happy people do not handle uneasy feelings so they avoid negative situations. The saying misery loves company seems accurate to me.

But miserable people in relationships are kind of a Catch-22. Misery attracts misery and happiness is repelled by it. Happy people won't stay with miserable people because they fear becoming miserable themselves. So that leaves miserable people to pair up with each other. Except miserable people hate themselves. And if they hate themselves, they most certainly hate each other. Their mate will never be good enough. NEVER. Either there will always be something they will try to change to somehow make that person better, or that person will suffer in silence from despair for having settled for what he could get and it ended up being a bad deal. And yes, that fairly accurately described me at one point. Hence the Catch-22. You believe you need someone to make you happy. But you first must be a happy person to attract the kind of person who would make you happy. They're mutually exclusive, I'm afraid. And the only way out of it is to become the kind of person who doesn't need another person or a relationship to be happy.

My point is in response to the idea that relationships will make you happy. Sure, they will IF you are a happy person. Happy people aren't going to settle, and they aren't going to casually allow uneasy situations. They aren't going to throw the doors open wide to misery. That's how they end up in happy relationships. They end up with happy people who want the same things they do. Miserable people are the opposite. They can't be happy with anything. Not with themselves. Not with anyone else. If you depend on someone else for your happiness, you'll never get it. Work on yourself first (I know, I know, you're sick unto death from hearing it). THEN you can be happy in a relationship. If you can't do that, a relationship won't fix anything.

Speaking of which, what are relationships even for? I think of them primarily as serving a biological function or perceived need. They don't fundamentally exist for the sake of happiness. I mean, ever pay attention to marriage vows? There are no conditions in them. I promise to be with you no matter what. Whether I'm happy or not, whether you're happy or not, I'm all in. No turning back. Divorce happens because of all the conditions that secretly get attached over the course of the relationship, before and after marriage. No, successful relationships are ultimatley an agreement that no matter what, we're in this together. Relational happiness occurs when two happy people are happy together. They don't need each other for their happiness, yet they share in their mutual joy.

When you see happy couples, remember that. Sure, the relationship makes them happy. But in order to enjoy the happiness of romantic companionship, you must first develop the capability for appreciating it. Happy people do that naturally. You wanna be happy? Do what happy people do.

Actually I'm just sick today. I guess that's a dumb excuse considering everyone says I always have been & will constantly be sick so thanks for the email.

You can delete my account now.

I'm up to the challenge. What should I do to work on being happy?

Well...I mean, there's no secret or magic pill or one single book (although I'm a big Bible fan, but whatever). Whether you're a happy person or not depends on your outlook. If you want to be happy, be happy. That's all there is to know.

What has helped me has been focusing my life around things I enjoy most and things that are most important to me. And I just try to spend more time around happy, upbeat people. Get rid of and avoid as much negativity as you can. If you have a friend who is a constant downer, don't hang out so much.

I used to be highly critical of motivational speakers and writers. They're great at giving folks those big warm and fuzzy feelings, getting people pumped up and ready to make dreams come true. Except the next day back at work everyone is back to being a drag again.

I changed my mind about them, though. While I may still find little of substance to them, I do enjoy feeling encouraged and inspired, even if it's artificial. So I indulge in motivational lit from time to time to stay upbeat and stay on track with my goals. It's about how well you FEEL about yourself and what you're doing, so often I find motivational/inspirational stuff is just the "shot in the arm" I need. I've read Stephen Covey, Dave Ramsey, Jon Acuff, Dale Carnegie, and a few others. It doesn't really matter, they're all good. I'm NOT impressed with The Secret/Law of Attraction or any Word of Faith teachers. I'm not really into New Age, to each his own, I guess, but I tend to borrow some things from here and there.

I've taken up running, training for 10k races. I'm working on building up my cardio, also working on freestyle swimming, and later this month I'm gonna take in the chaos of T1 at a triathlon I'm interested in doing eventually. Getting in shape and pushing limits makes you feel good anyway, but I just like the confidence boost and the feeling of accomplishing something. I don't care how old you are, there's just something about getting finisher medals...

I donate blood or components as often as I can. Usually I do platelets. I'm B- (the irony is NOT lost on me), and apparently people like me are hard to find around here. So I go every week if I can. My hemoglobin has gone down, so it's been a drag for me to make the appointment every time I'm eligible just to be told "15 more days." I'm eating a lot of beans and chicken liver (ugh) and drinking about a half glass of OJ to boost my iron level. Which means I have to learn how to cook liver in a way that is palatable--and I enjoy cooking. Dirty rice, red beans and rice. Good stuff. Fish, shrimp, the occasional flank steak... Food makes me happy. I need iron, I like to cook...so cooking food to build up my iron so I can donate blood...and with elevated iron I'll have more hemoglobin to help get oxygen to my muscles faster while working out...

It's not really that difficult. What we struggle with is making all these things into habits, in effect faking happiness for the sake of bringing positivity into our lives until we achieve the real thing, and then just repeating the process until we don't have to fake it anymore, and STILL live a life in which we free ourselves of negativity or negative influences.

I'm just saying what I do, but there's no right/wrong answer here. I could sit on my butt all day on WP and still be happy, but over time I've come to enjoy other things. I started running because my wife wanted to do a 5k. So I started the training to support her. Got to the race, and I'm like, well, I made it this far. Would be a shame not to race. And it just spiraled from there--joining the YMCA for swimming, but now I guess I'll start strength training once the pool closes. Shopping for triathlon bikes (just browsing right now). Once you get in those kinds of habits, it's really hard going back to being negative about so much. I think you have to find your own mojo, whatever that is, and keep going with it. It's not the same for everyone.

Not helpful at all, I know, but I tried!

Um Angelrho you're ignoring what boo said about friends he had who were sad and then found love and were happy.

Your advice is good. But does ignore that.

My health hasn't been good lately which is part of my problem. I want to go out and do things, but I can't and I'm trapped in the house by myself. Im to tired to do anything much productive with my time.

Also why don't people show compassion for sad people. Inviting them places, including them and making them feel human, helping them to meet new people. That's what I do for other people when I can. Why can't happy people with strength do that? Why is it left to those of us who've had enough problems to learn compassion. It's not that mystery loves company, it's that we've been down low enough to know what it's like and an empathise with other down people. Happy people live in a bubble and don't care about anyone outside their precious bubble.

If it helps, delete what I build. I'm sorry; it must be predictable.

I don't think the staff here delete accounts... I think it's a rule. Anyway, cough it up and spit it out... what's going on???

She's right cberg. Come on we're here to support you.