How can I accept turning 30 and still being single?

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Have things ever gotten worse in your life or have they only ever stayed exactly the same? If the answer is, “Yes, some things have gotten worse in my life,” then that’s proof that change is possible in your life. And if things can change for the worse, they can also change for the better. You just have to do the hard work required to shift things from getting worse to getting better & then stay the course no matter how many ups and downs you endure along the way.

No one is saying you’re too messed up to ever have a relationship. They’re saying that you’re too messed up right now to be attractive to others and that your focus shouldn’t be on seeking a relationship, it should be on healing yourself and feeling whole and happy so that others are attracted to you.

No one’s slamming being shy and reserved nor promoting confrontation or arrogance. They’re pointing out that extreme depression and negative self talk are unattractive & positivity and self confidence are attractive.

^ Agreed.

Would you all tell women to take stock in what men want and get thin and attractive? Doubt it. Why can’t we as a society say what women take stock in needs to change? Women don’t need a well off guy anymore.

I would if she was sitting around eating McNuggets & complaining that she couldn't attract a guy. Try a lean chicken breast, salad, and a couple glasses of water after an evening walk - the compound effect of daily exercise & healthy diet will help you shed the excess weight, put on a little muscle tone, think clearer, feel happier, smile more annnnd get the attention of the guys you want. It really is that simple.

You see, sly, I'm not an a**hole.. but I don't BS anything or anyone. My advice is like Buckley's cough syrup: It tastes awful, but it works. I sugarcoat nothing!

Here are some inconvenient truths for you, sly:

No single person, nor society as a whole, can jusrt tell women that what they desire needs to change. Women have evolved over Hundreds of Thousands, Millions of years even, to (in general) be attracted to the healthy, strong, protective, dominant, competitive, charismatic, fit, successful, alpha males that can be providers for them and their offspring. It's hard wired into their physiology and what makes (most) of them react via hormones & emotions with sexual attraction as their heart's skip a beat and their genitals moisten. They're doing as nature intended for the best chance of the perpetuation of our species.

Why don't women need a well off guy anymore? Who's going to help them pay the bills? Father their children? Help raise their children? Provide food/clothing/shelter/medicine + all the modern conveniences and luxuries most people in our society have today + fund any extravagant extras in life, world travel, a comfortable retirement, college funds for the kids and grand kids, the car(s), toys, vacation property and on and on. No, most people don't have ALL of those things - but - most people want as many of them as they can manage to get out of life. If you haven't noticed, our monetary system is a bit whacked right now and the prices of things have skyrocketed while the value of money has been eroded and wages haven't kept up the past ~4 decades, so, now more than ever in the last 50 years women who want to have a comfortable North American lifestyle need a well off guy more than ever, especially if they want to have kids and raise a family.

It's absurd to expect the entire world to change to fit your view that people should be equally attracted to undesirable mates, whether in terms of physical fitness/health, or financial situation. It is literally impossible for you, or any number of people, to convince the entire world's population of women to ignore what their bodies are telling them when they feel indicators that they're attracted to a man & to instead give the guys they feel nothing for an opportunity to be their life partner. The only person on the planet that you have 100% control over influencing change upon is.. You. Your efforts would be infinitely more fruitful if you were to direct the energy you expend complaining that women aren't attracted to "loser guys," (in your words) and instead spend it on improving yourself until you become attractive to others. Why should every other straight male in the history of the planet have to go through the hard work and discipline of becoming healthier & wealthier in order to attract dates but women are supposed to just throw themselves at you in appreciation for the zero effort you're willing to put in to make yourself attractive to them? Just doesn't make one lick of sense, sly.

If the woman in question was 30, still living with her parents, overweight and not making enough money to sustain an adult lifestyle, my advice would be almost identical (though with the genders reversed).

You're not going to make anyone change their standards simply by demanding they do so.

Women don't need a financially secure, attractive, successful guy the same way that you don't need a girlfriend. If you can get one though you're sure as hell going to take the opportunity, aren't you? Certainly over an ugly overweight poor guy (or over not having a girlfriend).

What goldfish said before is on point, also.

I would. I've told most of my girlfriends to get thin and attractive.

I think that if I have to improve myself to be attractive in their eyes than it's only fair that they should also have to improve themselves to be attractive as well.

This seems entirely reasonable.

Several different couples I know come to mind that have these sorts of agreements between one another. It keeps them both challenging themselves and each other, healthier, happier, fitter & better looking etc. There really aren't any drawbacks to such a mutually beneficial relationship agreement that I can see. Hell, having been both out of shape & in shape, I can attest to the fact that sex is better while physically fit, too, and because of this I'm sure all of these couples have better sex lives with each other than if they were the type of people to let themselves go and be okay with it.

Waiting for sly to return and respond to our responses to his queries. I'm generally curious as to what his thoughts are about our replies and the advice we'd give to out of shape women seeking to attract a mate.

There are some women (non-single) who tell me I look attractive and even my ex-friend claimed I was attractive but needed to "clean himself (referring to me as she said this to my older brother) up". The problems with both statements I have are the fact single women don't seem to think so and if "cleaning up" is all I needed to do, why do all the things required feel so difficult and time consuming?

My relationship with time is another issue. A year can feel agonizingly slow, especially when things aren't going my way and I keep hitting dead ends, but by the time it's over, it'll feel like a lot of time has escaped me like it just slipped through my fingers.

My ex H used to tell me again and again ‘you’re anorexic!’ (I wasn’t), ‘stop being so anorexic!’ And FORCE me to eat fatty foods that I didn’t enjoy.

Like literally tell me ‘do it.’ Or ‘I like chubby women ‘ etc

His mom was the same. They also were against me going on walks or
Light jogging which was my hobby.

To me now I understand that was abusive behaviour.
I did not enjoy being unhealthy. I did not want to eat foods I did not like and be forced/pressured to eat unhealthy foods over and over.

At the time I justified it as ‘moulding myself to his preferences.’

I hope if any male here indulges in this (telling their partner to become mOre attractive according to their preferences) they do so with tact and kindness and respect. Otherwise please understand you might be harming them emotionally and breaking down their self respect.

Why would a man object to a woman who jogs?

I don’t know

I'm a believer in autonomy. If I really dig the person, I dig the person immediately. I don't dig the person conditionally.

I don't like changing people, and I don't like people changing me.

I was single when I turned 30.

Plenty of people are.

Life happens on a different timeline for different people.

I have no regrets about the timeline my life took.

As you may be aware, I did eventually get married and have kids. My husband and I both had a lot of things, it turned out, that we needed to achieve and / or learn on our own before we were ready for each other. We would not have had a good marriage if we had gotten together younger. It played out as it needed to.

But I've read more stories of people continuing to be alone and never finding a partner than the opposite. I don't want to keep living if my fate is to be like there's.

Let’s assume that more people are forever alone. If they continue living productive, and fulfilling lives, does it not follow that perhaps they found something more important in life than romantic relationships?

I don’t really buy into what “they say” are the divorce rates right now, but even if the rate and its relevance are exaggerated, the rate is STILL pathetically high. Even if you never marry, you are assured that the relationship WILL INEVITABLY end. If you are so insistent on achieving relationships, is this reality something that is preferable or, at the very least, acceptable to you? Because either leaving or getting dumped OVER and OVER AGAIN and even ending up right back where you are right now is going to happen. Is that really what you want to sign up for?

Because, I’m telling you, it IS what you’re signing up for. This is one of those things you need to understand that you are NOT special. You are not unique. And your “struggles” will mean absolutely NOTHING in the long run. You will walk the same path we ALL walk, from the womanizing alpha male PUA to guys like me who just got lucky to the most pathetic, unlikely loser who did nothing but simply make the minimal effort.

We ALL ask people we like and get rejected, some even getting BLOCKED on social media. In fact, I had a dear, dear childhood friend who I made NO overtures to, indeed the third most awesome girl in the freakin UNIVERSE, completely block me. It hurt. I didn’t understand it. But it is what it is. It made me sad, but that’s life. An ex who I reconnected AS FRIENDS with dropped clean off the planet. Broke my heart for all kinds of reasons, and not like the first time. It’s complicated. But I had no romantic interest in her. And you really don’t want me to get into my history with girls I HAD been interested in romantically. I only recall THEEE LTRs that ended on good terms.

And it doesn’t end just because I’m married. She craves back scratches, so I indulge her. She needs a break from cooking, so I lovingly handcraft pizzas for everyone. I spend time with her every chance I get. And no matter what I do, just how much do you think MY needs actually get met? Just bringing that up would earn me a reminder of how selfish and ungrateful I am. If you got married, do you think you could handle being ignored every single day? Or worrying about counting the days until she gets sick of you or runs out of patience and just leaves? Because even though she promises she’ll never leave no matter what, there are those times I do worry. Are you honestly prepared for that?

No, it’s not this bad all the time. Not even 1% of the time. But when it is bad, that <1% is so bad you forget about the rest of it. It will overshadow everything you think and do. And that <1% is just enough for her to walk out.

She will gossip about you to her friends, trashing you behind your back. She will not defend you while her friends trash you in front of her. She will yell at you when you disagree strongly about something, and if you just agree all the time she will resent you. And first chance she gets if she’s dissatisfied, she will cheat on you with your best friend, your father, your brother, or maybe even your stepmom.

Is this what you want to sign up for, and are you SURE you’d rather live through all that than being single forever?

Like I said, you won’t experience all of this with one or every woman. But you have to be mentally and emotionally prepared for any of these things and so much more I didn’t even mention, and WORSE things than all of these. Because if you aren’t, you only THINK you want to end your life now. The EASIEST you can go through will make you wish you’d never been born. And it does NOT get better.

Fairy tale endings do happen when both partners are on the same page with most aspects of their lives. That’s the best you can hope for, but it’s always a struggle. My wife and I don’t really see the struggle anymore. We’re in a routine that works for us, so things don’t seem quite as hard as they used to be. By every day is a new challenge. We’re responsible for so much more than we were when we were younger. She just went from teaching assistant to administrative assistant. Translation: she runs the school. I’m about to add more classes to my department and oversee funding new programs. And things at church are radically changing in the area of worship, so I’m about to have to do some major adapting as my role continues to change. And that’s only a SMALL part of what’s happening. No, I didn’t sign up for ANY of it. But here we are. More responsibility more strains on our relationship, and we just keep getting stronger because we just keep working at it. The question is: can you find that person, or are you just going to give up when the bottom falls out? Because I’ve been there, too. Broke. Unemployed. Homeless. Do you honestly believe you can find a woman who will weather the worst with you? And in turn, what do you actually have to offer?

I don’t want to discourage you. I’m just saying you need to think about things and reevaluate where you are right now. No matter how bad things might seem as a single man, IAR can be much, MUCH worse. You need to be absolutely certain you want to assume all these risks and that you can navigate the challenges you most certainly will face.

This is great rho. The extent is up for debate, as I'm probably alot more pessimistic than you, but atleast this is a realistic perspective.

My best friend just got dumped yesterday, that completely shocked me. If you would have asked me 2 days ago, to put my money on 2 couples I know, who had a chance of making it to old age, those would be one of the 2. My friend is on an all time low right now, understandably so. My friend is an extremely caring, talented and intelligent guy, I just couldn't imagine her ever wanting to throw him away.

I wonder why exactly you want a girlfriend so much marknis. It's not some fairytale, it can be extremely stressful. Would you even be able to handle it? What if you got one and it didn't work? If she criticized you for being to emotional? If she told you to lose weight? Or get a better job? And then cheated on you? or she just left you all together? I'd be willing to bet good money that you would be back on this forum, and you wouldn't be an inch happier than you are now. In fact, you might even be less happy.

Like rho said, the lows of a relationship, without question have a lot more impact than the highs.