What’s the likelihood?

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Anngables, just when I think you’re done trying to have some form of relationship with this guy, you pull us back in. Yes, this is a loose Godfather quote. So, for somebody who doesn’t cross paths with this fella often, you cross paths with him pretty often. The other day you see the guy and you refuse coffee with him which seems like a pretty good move considering your past experiences with him. But now he responds by not talking to you during an event (which sort of makes sense considering you turned down an invite from him last time you saw him), and that upsets you. And, you go ahead and email him about it, which doesn’t make sense because you said you were done doing that kind of stuff. You said you were through with him.

So, hopefully the above doesn’t make it seem like I don’t “like” your or something, because from what I’ve read from your posts your a very nice person and I do like you. What I said above is really just a combination of being confused and also saying what I’m thinking which if something I can’t help but do.

If I had a past with a person where I spurned them and then later tried to make up for it by asking if they’d like to have coffee with me, and then they refused, I’d definitely ignore them at the next event I saw them at. And my ignoring them would not be tied to an attempt to “teach them a lesson” or due to ill feelings so much as an assumption that that’s what they want. Besides, even if I didn’t think that’s what they wanted, I wouldn’t know how to start a conversation with I that person anyway, so I’d ignore them for practical reasons related to my limited social skills.

The last event you clearly indicated that you didn’t want anything to do with him. That’s the conclusion he’d come to because you turned down his invite. And, it’s not like he got it wrong either, you told US that that’s how you felt. So this guy read the social cues correctly. So he does his job, he ignores you which is almost certainly what he’d think you wanted (and by all accounts what you seemed to want based on what you told us), and now you are upset about it. AND you right an email to him!

Hey, if you want to confess something like you just can’t stand to lose and need to get the final word in and that’s why you are doing this....or any other such thing, you’d have a mostly understanding audience. In the mean time, color me confused.

What you says make sense but . . ..

I didn’t spurn his invite for coffe. I stood and made friendly chat, and explained I had to pick someone up at the hospital.

Last night was different, he made it very uncomfortable in front of other people ie talking to them and deliberately not including me, or blanking me when I spoke.

I felt I needed to email him, not to ge the friendship back, but to just say I felt that was unreasonable. We both live in the same town. If we are going to be at events there is no reason for not maintaining civility. It feels like it some sort of romantic break up, which it is not.

Also it seems reasonable that I should have a chance to tell him how I feel. Someone ghosting you means you never get the chance to put your own viewpoint, and to get closure I needed to do that?

Does that make sense?

If it was just circumstance that kept you from getting coffee you could just ask to do that another time. Pardon me if I'm a bit lost on this subject by now.

cberg, you don't seem lost to me, bro. That's a good point (that I wouldn't have thought of, my social skills are blowing lately). Maybe he suspected that you didn't go to coffee because you didn't want to, and he thought your explanation of need to pick somebody up at the hospital was a lie. Autistics can get kind of paranoid about that kind of thing because after awhile we don't know who to trust and who not to trust.

Did you get a response from the email? I don't think you'll get closure with the end of this relationship. Rather, you'll have to make your own closure.

I did get a reply . . .. it went back and forward with him seeming to want a bit of an argument . .. . .. . He said he is wary of me, and that is my fault . .. . . I explained my point of view, and then said this

“Ok stepped back and thought

We are too different to be friends

You can’t give me the kind of friendship I need and have with other people. It makes you uncomfortable and feel smothered .

I wish you only good things and happiness . . . .. you still count as one of the funniest humorous humans I have had the good fortune to have met.

Take care”

I did get a really nice reply to that email, telling me where he had put a piece of art I had given him, and promising he would look after it . .. .

So I think we have reached closure

See, that wasn’t so hard, was it? It only took like 5 months to get him to finally give you closure.

Nobody ever said us autistics are hard to deal with, what with our easy going attitude and strong communication skills....

So hopefully you get to move on from this guy. I hope that your other experiences with autistics (should you have any) will go much smoother!

Speaking for myself here but I think when I find anyone funny I consider them a friend. I don't get any personal relief from closing myself off to anyone, not that it prevents me from being confused for months though.

0%

Yes phew!! ! . . .

That was hard work!

But I'd do it again (probably) it was fun a lot of the time