How do you guys do the "no contact" thing?

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Actually, what was driving me is that I had my own wisdom tooth pulled back in 2010 and I feel bad about it. So if she were to convince me that its not sinful I would feel better. Which is why I wrote to her why I see it as a sin to see if she sees it differently. I also told her that I had my wisdom tooth pulled in those long paragraphs, so I was "assuming" she would realize this is what it was about. Although maybe the timing was wrong since I took her telling me about her own dentist appointment as an opportunity to talk about it.



I did. My second ex complained and it was fine. I guess the trouble with the second ex started when, at some point, I became the subject of her compaints, and that of course led to fights. But back in the beginning of a relationship when she was only complaining about her friends, I was totally find with it.

It can't be seen as an attack specifically against adventists since most mainstream Christians don't see it as a sin either to pull out a tooth.

That, plus I talked a lot about her adventist faith in other context and I kept telling her how I LIKE that she is an adventist, since Adventists go to church on saturday and keep kosher -- which is what I am doing as well since I am Messianic. I also told her how I attended Adventist bible studies as well as Adventist church (even though I never joined it because there are some doctrines I disagree with -- which I told her as well). I also mentioned to her that, over a decade ago, when I was first invited to Adventist bible study they haven't told me they were Adventist, so I was like "meh, if I have time I will come if I don't I wouldn't" and it happened that I had time so I came. But the ironic thing is that the reason they didn't tell me is that they thought Adventist thing would have scared me away; but actually it was the opposite. If they were to tell me they were Adventist I would have been far more enthusiastic to come, due to all those things I feel I have in common with Adventists. So as you see I been complimenting her on her faith a lot, thats the point.

On the other hand, its also true that I told her about the doctrines Adventists have that I disagree with. For example, I told her that I know adventists believe sunday is the mark of the beast but I don't think it is, because I see a very easy way around it: if government ever institute sunday law, just go to church both saturday and sunday: saturday will keep God happy and sunday will keep government happy. Her response to this was that its important to stand up to the government, and I kept saying I didn't see why it was important in this case, then she felt really uneasy, so I backed off. I also told her I don't think Ellen White is a true prophent, but I don't think she reacted to it with unease, I think she more or less expected to hear it. And also -- after she told me that veggie meat she is eating is unhealthy -- I asked her why are adventists avoiding the real meat anyway: I thought they admit that God is fine with your eating meat as long as its kosher meat, and they claim they avoid meat for health reasons -- but now that she said veggie meat is unhealthy, that kinda invalidates this whole argument. With regard to this last thing she said she sees my point and she doesn't know why she does it -- other than she was raised to do it.

Actually, those religious things is what prompted me to ask her if dating was still on the table. In particular, I would first bring up the religious disagreements such as above and -- if she reacts with unease -- I would back off and then ask her if dating is still on the table despite those disagreemetns. Her answer to that was that she doesn't know whether the religious disagreements are deal breakers or not, she needs time to think about it. Then I told her that the religious disagreements aren't as big as they appear: we probably agree on more things than we disagree on, its just my communication style that I tend to focus on disagreements rather than agreements.

In any case, what she told me is that my asking her for the decision was a turn off since it put her under pressure to say yes or no that she wasn't ready to say yet since she needed time to think about it which she didn't give her. But in any case, from what she "said" she didn't want to make it a "no" because of said turn off. She just said she didn't like it -- yet still was undecided between yes and no. Thats why it was so surprising when she stopped replying to me recently. I mean I didn't do anything "new" in this regard. All of those debates happened "before" the no-contact thing, which lasted a month. So why did she decided to cut me off for some of those comments not right away but over a month later, thats the type of thing that confuses me.

Last edited by QFT on 10 Dec 2019, 4:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Oh boy! She could see it as an attack, especially since you likened it to tattoos. It probably at least made her uncomfortable.

If you want to date a religious person, don’t point out the inconsistencies in her theology. Accept her as she is.

It doesn’t matter at this point why she dropped you. Move on. There’s lots of great advice on this board.

Or don’t take it. It’s up to you.

You're not going to always get a cut and dried answer on everything - especially human beings and human behavior.

She decided to cut you off. Just accept that it did not work out and move on.

Are you saying that she could have misunderstood me as telling her tatoos are okay? Well, I know I would never say tatoos are okay (since I don't think they are), I was basically "assuming" tatoos are bad and was "debating" whether or not pulling away the tooth is bad. But are you saying she might have misunderstood it and she might have thought I was trying to imply tatoos are fine (which is something I wasn't trying to do)?

In any case, she never said anything to indicate that this is how she misunderstood me. I mean her response to this was focused on tooth -- not on tatoos. In fact, she even asked me "is it a Jewish thing, do Jews thing its bad to pull out the tooth" (to which I answered "I have no idea what Orthodox Jews think of it since I havne't been around them that much but ordinary Jews probably assume its fine or not care -- but good question I have to ask Orthodox Jew what they think"). But notice how she didn't ask me "are Jews thinking its fine to have tatoos" -- so that seem to suggest that she knew where I was coming from, at least it felt that way.

I just ran the search across the country looking for adventist girls. I just hate the fact that I missed such an apportunity. I guess other adventist girls wouldn't be quite like her (I mean this particular Adventist girl is also from Michigan -- where I went to school for -- and she also visitted twice that Adventist group on campus back at Michigan that I attended -- and she also used to live in the same place my ex lived a year before I started dating her) But oh well. I really hope to find an Adventist with those other commonalities I saw in this girl. But if I wouldn't find it at least I want to find an adventist.

If you aren’t an Adventist, why would you particularly want to date one?

Because I am Messianic, and this means I have at least two things in common with Adventists: belief in saturday sabbath and belief in kosher foods. So both dating a Messianic and dating an Adventist is good, but its a different flavor of good if you know what I mean. Messianic is better in a sense that the overlap with my beliefs is even greater. But Adventist is better because it goes back to the memory of my attending Adventist meetings back in Michigan over a decade ago.

One of my regrets from back then was that I assumed that the girls at that adventist club won't date me because Adventist would never date non-adventist, and now I realize that this is not always the case: there were a couple of adventist girls on dating sites (the current one and the other one few years ago) that were willing to consider me dating-wise, so I regret that I made such an assumption back then. I guess you might say its moot since I don't ask girls out anyway I keep waiting for girls to ask me out. But what I regret is that when people (of either gender) tried to talk to me as friends I ignored them -- I pretty much came to those meetings "only" to hear the sermon and that was it -- and now I think it was so stupid. I mean that was the exact time I spent HOURS on dating sites, so why didn't it ever cross my mind that I could talk to THOSE people? What is so special about them is that they were one of the very few ones that didn't ostracize me, and thats despite the fact that I acted ridiculous at times. Like there were times when I would take all attention to myself during one of the Bible discussions and they put up with it. So what would have happened "if only" I were to act more normal "and" reciprocate when they tried to befriend me?

I guess, ideally, I wish I could meet someone from those meetings. Actually, this in fact happened. I went to Adventist church three years ago hoping for a remote possibility of running into one of those people -- which is highly unlikely since those people were in MIchigan and now I am in New Mexico -- but guess what: I, in fact, ran into one of them! But, unfortunately, she is already married. Then, two months ago, there was this girl from the dating site: not only is she Adventist, but she is also from Michgian. So, in one of the first messages to her, I actually asked her if she ever been to those meetings. Well, the answer is she been there twice: which I guess isn't as good as going there regularly but still better than nothing. I asked her whether she knows that girl whom I reconnected with in New Mexico. She told me she doesn't know her. However, she knows a couple of other girls I remember from those meetings: in fact, they were the ones that took her there. She told me that one of them was married to the pastor. Which is also quite sad: I actually liked her. In fact, I told this Adventist girl how I wish I could marry one of those other girls -- I know its really weird and might be a turn off, but she didn't react to it at all.

In any case, I guess what makes me want to date adventists is a combination of nastalgy and wanting to fix my past mistakes of "not" dating them back then. It also has that feeling of achievement to it: as in, I used to assume its impossible to get an Adventist to agree to date me, and here I am and I done it.

Okay, she wrote back to me. Here is what she wrote

And what do you need explained?

<* butting in *>

Why, after nine pages of the same old arguments, are you and others are still paying any attention to the OP?

Just askin'.

I don't have time or patience to read the previous 9 pages. I just jump in, respond for some post if I feel like that and go away.

In this particular case, I'm curious what OP finds unclear in the quoted response.

It is my sincere opinion that if he doesn't "get it" by now, then he's either as dense as clay or he's deliberately playing with you and the others for the attention you give him.  Either way, it may be best to just ignore him.

It seems more like a debate.

Debates generally are futile, but each side usually wants to drive his or her point home.

It’s hard to walk away from them even though it is a silly waste of time although maybe not quite as silly as many of the debates on PPR.

Then just ignore him. I am driven by curiosity.

Suit yourself!