The only women my age I would be interested in

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Yes, I would have to be for dating men and women. I'm pansexual, part of the bisexual spectrum. I dated, had sex with and liked all variations of people. Now that I'm engaged my eyes and mind don't wander anymore freely as in sigleness.

I'm not transgender, I'm a cisgender female. Transylvania is my real area. It's a Romanian territory location.

That sounds like something a psychologist would say. xD

I'm just reminded that there is a weird connection between some guy wanting to get a gf to make fun of all the people in his life who bullied him for having pimples in his youth and "get back at them."

Honestly, looks like he promised them a pizza plus snickers plus soda if they've got the most seductive face in his picture. After so many classes all they wanted to do is go out and have a good meal. Maybe do some shopping. He couldve offered to be their shopping assistant and pay for their stuff. Then give them a foot massage. And after all expect nothing but their friendship.
Maybe he just told them hes got a big junk in his trunk, and they had to socially act impressed because it's fun and women just want to have fun and be involved in jokes, and then the joke's on you (when you say that the next time you try to get a date with a girl).

This is the herd effect, gender-directed, as far as I know, it's just an act.

In the book, Shame & Guilt by Jane Middelton-Moz, she begins the book with a story about a guy named 'Giant' who gets a girlfriend named 'Chameleon' so he has someone to listen to him judge, insult and make fun of the people they know.

Wouldn't it be easier to date someone who is 26-35 since more people in that age range I am guessing would be single compared to women you're own age? It seems you think that younger women are more of a challenge, but why do you think that?

The problem is that they wouldn't like me because of my age. If they could look past my age, then no they wouldn't be more challenging. But is it POSSIBLE for them to look past my age? Thats the issue.

Yes, it is possible for a twenty-something woman to look past such an age gap. It is very rarely a good thing when they do. Here's some of the reasons why:

1. If a twenty year old woman and a forty year old man are emotionally compatible, then she is maturing more than twice as fast as he is. The reasons why it is 'more than twice' as fast when he's exactly twice her age would require a wordy explanation so I'll pass unless its important to you. The question then becomes, how long before such a woman, fast-tracking to maturity, outgrows such a man?

2. Many twenty-somethings are more than willing to overlook such an age gap if there is also a similar disparity in wealth gap. i.e., If a forty year old guy is rich, or at least extremely well off, many twenty-somethings will be willing to overlook the age gap for the financial security.

3. There are women of all ages who are looking for a daddy figure. That isn't meant to be a slight toward women in general; people of all genders, races, age groups, etc., have issues This just happens to be one of them and it is often seen with age gaps like you're describing.

In case one, it works until you get your heart broken. Case two doesn't apply. Case three is fraught with trouble, is unsustainable and will only work as long as she doesn't address her issues. Rather than focus on the women, let's take a look at you. What is it that you feel you could bring to a relationship with a twenty-something year old? I've read an awful lot about why you want what such a woman has - but what do you feel that you have that she'll want?

I'm 47 and I've never had a partner. The way I see it is that it will happen when it happens. A lot of people find the one later in life.

Though it is unlikely unless the man has $$$.

Well said and great attitude!

I felt like a parent sometimes in all 3 of the relationships I had. My 2nd girlfriend was 19 when I was 28 & while I did feel like a dad with her sometimes, I'm sure she felt like a mom with me a lot more. It's common for NT women in relationships with Aspie guys to feel like a mom or caretaker to their husbands/boyfriends instead of seeing them as their partners & equals. This causes major resentment that builds & builds upon itself & leads to lots of bad fights. My 2nd girlfriend was on the spectrum but she was a lot smarter than me & a lot more independent than me(or at least wanted to be) & our relationship was very one-sided as a result. I'm VERY protective of my romantic partners & I felt like she did not value my input & opinions. Problems like that were a major reason why I was very willing to be in a relationship with someone who was a lot younger than me & why I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who was a bit older. In theory it seems like younger women would be a lot more willing to appreciate my advice. I NEVER had a great relationship with my mom & I always felt like she majorly resented me for being so dependent on her. The last thing I would want is for my romantic partner to resent me the way I felt my mom did. My current girlfriend is about half a year older than me & she feels like a mom with me sometimes but I probably feel like a dad with her a lot more. We both have our various issues & problems we're dealing with & while I do tend to be passive & easy going, I tend to be more levelheaded about making decisions if I'm not caught in the middle of em in the heat of the moment.

You usually seem to have a great point-of-view

No, you have to look, actively. A partner doesn't just drop into your lap. At 47, I'd be highly concerned. That's too passive an attitude.

Fun fact: The man being stared at is Jonah Falcon and he just got a mid-math class erection.

Well, you are not the only person who made that assumption. So since the issue is not the "label" of Asperger, is there something I say/do that make people make that assumption? Because maybe that is what is holding me back.



Here is one example. So back in 2001 there was a mailing list for University Students for Asperger Syndrome. Now, I was 21 at that time. There was a woman on that list who was 28, and who was engaged. When I first joined that list she contacted me because geographically we weren't that far from each other (I was at Berkeley, she was at Stanford). One thing she said about herself that struck me was the fact that she would never use F word and it took her a lot of efford to learn to use S word. Also her face on a Stanford photo looked sort of "not of this world" kind of. And no it wasn't the body just the face: in fact face is the only thing the photo shown. Also it wasn't pretty in any conventional sense, just that impression as if she is "in her own world". Also, since it was the only time I was interacting with other autistics, I made a post asking them to describe their symptoms so I could compare myself to them. A lot of things she said seemed similar to me. Now in retrospect we probably weren't identical; I was just overfocusing on similarities. But thats how I romanticize, I focus on things that are similar. One big elephant in the room, like I said, is the fact that she was engaged. But the thing is that, even though I was 21, I was looking at myself as a kid, so things such as engagement were totally irrelevant as far as I am concerned. I guess logically I could say "well if I was a kid and she wasn't, what was I doing thinking we are totally similar". But like I said I just overlooked the engagement thing as an irrelevant detail.

In any case, what anded up happening is that I was writing posts where I theorized about Jews and Asians being more autistic genetically and that this might explain why Jews rock during prayers and have strict rituals while Asians meditate like Donna Williams did. I went on to connect those claims to racial theories about IQ. In particular, I read studies that show that autistics have bigger brain size than NT. So I theorized that "more autistic" races have bigger brains than "less autistic races" and the fact that the races with bigger brain have higher intellectual abilities was due to the fact that their version of autism was really Asperger, and Asperger is often associated with higher IQ. Since Jews/Asians on average have higher IQ than whites, it adds up pretty well. So I said that Jews/Asians are more autistic than Whites, that explains their respective religions AND their higher IQ, while blacks are less autistic than Whites, that explains why they are so good in sports and have lower IQ.

Now, what happened is that they just jumped at the fact that I said blacks have low IQ and attacked me for that one, without caring about any of the rest of what I wrote. The owner of the mailing list asked me to apologize, and explicitly stated that her decision on whether to ban me or not rests on whether or not I would apologize. As it happened, I had an upcoming exam that I needed to study for, and I noticed that I was addicted to that mailing list and it took all of my time. So I decided that actually it would be good if I get banned: then I would be able to fully focus on studying for that exam. So I wrote that "there is no point in apology for being an honest scientist" and then ranted on how I disagree with policies against racism on that mailing list. Just like I expected, this got me banned.

Now, this in itself wouldn't have hurt me. I knew about political correctness, so I knew that my posts would likely be attacked in the exact way they were. I also knew I would get banned for refusing to apologize. So it was all my choice. But the part that DID hurt me was the following twist. Remember I mentioned how I asked people to describe the symptoms and that woman described things that I found similar to myself. Well, in response to what she described, I started giving her advice to help her improve her social interactions (that was a week BEFORE I was asked to apologize for the race/IQ thing, and certainly BEFORE I ever decided it would be good to be banned). Well, one of the people who attacked me for my race/IQ post said "I can't believe you were giving that woman advice to think before she speaks (for which by the way I see no evidence), you should follow your own advice". But you see, even though in retrospect I can see how the stuff I wrote to her could come across that way, it was not my intention. My intention was the opposite: to give her advice to help her, and build the connection by helping her. Also she didn't get upset at that advice either. In fact she continued to write long posts about her life to me. Yet that other person decided on her behalf to get offended.

Then the other thing that happened was the following. There was one woman (OTHER THAN any of the ones I mentioned) who came to my defense. She didn't say she agrees with my theories. Instead, she said that due to my Asperger I am probably too naive to see why I shouldn't write what I wrote. And she said that she was involved in theorizing herself i the past, until she finally learned critical thinking skills. But her intention was clearly to defend me. So this made me wonder: "what about that woman I am romanticizing about, what side is SHE on?" And I never found out the answer to this question because I was banned a lot faster than than that woman had chance to write anyhing (she probably writes something once a day if not less, yet I got banned a lot faster than that).

Now, looking back, I can sort of see some hint. In particular, there was one time that woman invited me to some local autism event in Bay Area (I believe it was abbreviated as ASCEND). Since most people on that list weren't from Bay Area, she decided to contact me by email instead of through that list. This shows that she had my email. So, if she really wanted to, she could have contacted me after I was banned. The fact that she didn't do it shows that she either didn't care (best case scenario) or got offended herself (worst case scenario). But I guess back then I didn't really know how the whole email thing works. For example I remember how I deletted some messages from that mailing list and then I didn't get new messages for a short while, so I asked a list administrator whether deletting messages blocks the new ones. She told me that no it doesn't, they just happened to be less active at that time. Now, from where I am sitting now that is a simple logic, no need to even ask. The fact that I asked back then shows that I really wasn't familiar with how email works (it was 2001, remember). So maybe I didn't fully realize that that woman had means of emailing me even after I was banned from that list. Thats why I kept wondering whether she would have said something to make me feel better if she could.

And this whole "not knowing" as to what side she took, romanticizing about her, feeling a slap in my face for saying something towards her when I had good intentions, was really hurting me and I was thiking about her and that mailing list for the next two years. If any of this were to happen now, I wouldn't react nearly as badly. The reason I reacted like this is because those feelings were new to me.

Part of it is like I said that I felt a lot younger than my age, so even though I was 21, I was really an early teen if not a kid as far as my personality is concerned.

Although at the same time, I do remember having romantic feelings back when I was "actually" early teen. In particular I was romanticizing about two of my classmates in Russia when I was 13, and then I was romanticizing about two other classmates, in America, when I was 14. In all four cases the "theme" of my romanticizing was the same as my romanticizing that woman when I was 21. I perceived respective girls as quiet, thoughtful, "out of this world", which to my mind suggested they have deep feelings.

Now, looking back, I was probably wrong with regards to at least one of them. In particular, one of the Russian ones I was romanticizing was actually friends-of-a-friend of a girl that bullied me (although she herself didn't bully me and in fact came to my defense). But still, remembering how she acted, I am not sure why I would say she is "quiet and shy". Alghtough maybe she acted "quiet and shy" during one of the field trips, and that particular field trip is when I romanticizing her. As a matter of fact, now that I think of it, it doesn't seem like I was romanticizing over her outside that trip.

As far as the other three girls, for all I know, I might have been right, at least I don't have any evidence otherwise.

That "other" Russian girl I was romanticizing over, she had stomach problems so she had to eat very often and kids were bullying her for this. So she was kind of misfit in this regard. I also can't name anyone she was friends with. I mean with that first Russian girl I know her friends (thats why I said that she was connected through them to the girl that bullied me) but with that other girl who had stomach problem, I really can not think of a single friend that she has. So yeah maybe thats what made me romanticize her.

At the same time, people didn't dislike her either. As a matter of fact, what originally drew my attention towards her was the following. So they had what they called a school council where they would elect students into. So from each class they had to put some candidates. I put myself as a candidate, which is what I always did and they let me. The teacher put one of the girls as a candidate (no she was NOT either of the girls I was romanticizing over). And then one of the students (a guy) put that girl with stomach problems as a candidate. Now a theme of my romanticizing is thinking that "I feel like I am just like that girl, that girl in a different body" (thats what I felt with every single one of the ones I have talked about in this response). So since we were both candidates, we were both shy, etc. thats why I was romanticizing her.

As far as the classmates I had in America when I was 14, this was ESL class and they were sisters from Germany. For some reason guys kept making fun of one of them, but not the other. I have no idea what that was about. To me they seemed both quiet and shy, and I couldn't see whom either of them were friends with other than each other. I romanticized both of them (especially the one "other than" the one the guys were making fun of).

As far as two American girls they were sisters (it was ESL class and they both came from Germany).

In any case, as far as the Russian girl that is friends-of-a-friend of a bully, I was probably romanticizing her just for duration of a field trip. As far as the Russian girl with stomach problems, I was romanticizing her probably for a year. As far as two American girls, I was also romanticizing them for a year. As far as the woman on a mailing list, I kept thinking about her for two years (until I found a girlfriend and having that girlfriend helped me get over that obsession).

Now, as far as two Russian girls and two American girls when I was early teen, no I didn't attempt interacting with them. In fact I was trying not to look at them because I was too shy. But this didn't cause me to feel rejected or feel anything bad about myself. For the most part, I was of a mindset that "math and physics is all that matters". So I wouldn't have wanted a girlfriend even if I could have one. And I certainly wouldn't have wanted any of those girls as my girlfriend because those feelings were too sensitive to be made public.

The time when I DID feel hurt was really over that woman on a mailing list. And as a matter of fact, it pretty much turned my life around in a very negative direction. Because, at some point few months AFTER being banned from that list, I thought to myself that I would alleviate my obsession over that woman and that list if I were to seek friends elsewhere. Up until that point I used to assume I don't want any friends and I would get them at the snap of a finger if/when I ever decide I want them (which I didn't anticipate deciding any time soon). Well, the obsession over that woman caused me to, in fact, decide "I want them". So I went ahead and join a club that my mom kept suggesting long before that mailing list. Yet, contrary to what I expected, I didn't make any friends. I got ostracized instead. So this hurt me even more. Then I went to dating sites in order to "disprove" what I just seen in that club. Yet on dating sites most women ignored my messages. So this hurt me even more. And this was sort of a downward spiral I went to.

I seriously think my whole life ever since would have been much better if only I didn't meet that woman on that mailing list. In this case, I would have still been thinking I don't need friends, and would have continued to focus on my studies.

Now, even without that mailing list, I always knew (ever since I was a kid) that marriage/kids is at some point in my life's agenda. But I didn't want it any time soon. I basically wanted to make sure I have at least one kid before I die so that my genes pass. Yes I pictured it within the context of marriage, and I didn't picture any divorce. But I wanted to postpone said marriage for as long as possible, so that I can enjoy my freedom. I remember one conversation -- back when I was 14, shortly after I came to America -- when my father mentioned how in America it is common to marry at 40 (I don't think he was right; I think he was new to the country just like I was so he had all kinds of impressions to process). Well when he said that, I sort of thought to myself "yes that is probably when I want to marry, too". And probably thats how I was picturing it the rest of my childhood as well.

Well, right now I "am" past 40. So I guess as far as right now is concerned I should marry even based on my original plan. But the point is that I certainly didn't plan to look for women in my 20-s, yet I ended up doing just that, ALL because of that mailing list. Now, given how many hours I spent on dating sites, I feel like I would have achieved a lot more academically if I were to just stick to the plan that I had back as a kid and not worry about women till I am 40. Yes I know that sort of contradicts what I am saying in the rest of this thread. But if giving up women means doing much better academically, then yes it is worth it. But the whole point is that what I actually ended up doing was totally lose/lose on both fronts. I spent tremendous amount of time on dating sites, which damaged my academic career. Yet I haven't found that many women on those dating sites either. In fact, dating sites is probably the reason why I ignored that cashier since dating sites was the only thing my mind was fixating on. And now I feel like I missed the best years of my life both academically and romantically. Now IF I could change my childhood attitude in a way that wouldn't be so unhealthy, then maybe it "would have been" a good thing. For example, if I could make my studies a first priority yet still appreciate the female attention "when I received it" (such as the one with the cashier) this would have played out as a total win/win. But again thats not what happened.

Well, right now I feel like I threw away the best years of my life. So I want to say "alright, the things I did starting from 2001 till now don't count; lets go back to 2001 and re-do things all over again". Hence my desire to date women in my 20-s, because thats whom I would have dated back then. And by the way, I remember when I started using dating sites I was talking to a woman who was 27, and I was 21 (let alone the fact that the woman on the mailing list was 28). So I guess late 20-s isn't that bad based on my 2001 criteria; and at the same time it doesn't look as ridiculous as early 20-s based on my passport age right now. So I wish I could find someone who is like 27 or 28 or something like that. Although it also feels like a lot to wish for.



Thats an interesting question with many layers of answer. If you ask "whom I was thinking about at the time", the answer is no. If you ask "whom I regret on missing out on as an afterthought" the answer is yes.

Here is something even more interesting. If I was given a choice: whom do I want to reconnect with, that woman on a mailing list or the cashier? I would say defitely a cashier. Yet if you ask "whom I was romanticizing while they were in front of me" I would say the woman in the mailing list.

Yes it "might be nice" to find the woman on the mailing list just to see "whom that fuss was all about". But it doesn't matter any more. But as far as cashier, yes I really wish I could find her.

Yet, stupidly enough, it never crossed my mind to think about that cashier when she was there. Not until many years have passed. But now I feel like I really miss her and wish more than anything to reconnect with her.



One cashier, in Minneapolis, was in 2002 and 2003. I remember exact street corner. I actually went there few years ago. But unfortunately that store was no longer there. Intead there was a different store on its place. I liked that old store much better by the way. It used to be a grocery store, and some of the food felt like home (I remember I liked to buy powdered mashed potatoes). The new thing they replaced it with is CVS or something similar. I asked for that woman in CVS anyway, since that was the best I could do. Nobody could help me.

Then there was another cashier in Ann Arbor. That was probably around 2005 or 2006 or something like that. She was working in Jimmy Jones. That Jimmy Jones is still there. Few years ago I came there and ask for her. Again, nobody knew her.



In the past, yes, there were five regular members there while others were coming on and off. But this semester it is different. Out of the old members only 2 are still here (the rest graduated) yet at the same time there is A LOT of new members. Now, during the first few times in this semester, I felt "somewhat" more welcome, but not any more.

And even back then, I really attribute it to just "one" of the new members. A girl who kept complimenting me on things I say. I was too shy to reciprocate it. Then she stopped coming. Then two months later I messaged her on facebook and asked her if she used to like me in the past, if she lost her interest because I didn't reciprocate, if thats the reason she stopped coming, and if I can have another chance with her. She answered that the reason she stopped coming has nothing to do with it but rather because she has hard time reconciling her own moral views with Christianity. She also told me she has a boyfriend. I then asked her how long ago she got a boyfriend (namely to figure out whether I should "beat myself up" for not getting in touch with her earlier). She didn't answer that and, instead, she came to the next Bible study showing off her boyfriend. This made me feel really awkward so I didn't come there again this semester.

But like I said, this one girl is probably the ONLY person who acted "welcoming towards me" at the beginnign of this semester. And its not because I was "focusing on her". While the past demographics was mostly men, the current demographic is that the majority are women. So the reason I was focusing on that specific girl rather than the rest is because she is the only one who acted welcoming.

Now if I look at males, then there is one male who kept trying to make me feel welcome. But he was part of the organizer team. So it makes me think he was just doing his job. Although maybe not: other males on organizing team weren't trying to make me feel welcome, so its not really "part of their job". But still: just the fact that he happens to be on organizer team makes me feel like it might have been part of the equation in some way.



I did, for many years.

One of the feedback that I received from one of the old members who was in organizer team yet not the main organizer, is that I ask "direct questions" which sort of puts people off. By the way this seems the opposite to the feedback I receive from others that I talk about myself too much and don't express interest in others. Although it doesn't necesserely contradict as much as it seems, because he didn't talk about the number of questions, rather he talked about "the way" I ask them. So its possible to say that I don't ask enough questions yet whatever I do ask, I ask in too direct of a way. But this elaboration is mine. He didn't say this. Its me trying to put together what he said with what others have said.

One thing the main organizer was telling me was that I dominate the conversations at the Bible study, particularly over the topic of the endtimes and antichrist. I think at least part of it is communication. Because he says that I bring up those topics totally out of context. But on my end I know I wouldn't bring a topic out of context -- no matter how much I am interested in that topic -- unless I see some connection with something someone said. Now, if a topic happens to be something I am interested in (such as the end times) then I thought about it a lot, which makes me think of all kinds of connections between this and other topics. That is why I might see the connections that others don't. But still fact remains: its not my intnetion to just interrupt a conversation with something totally unrelated. I simply haven't communicated those connections as well as I thought I did.



First of all, I never viewed it as a problem with "not welcoming newcomers". I always thought of it as a problem of "their attitude towards me, specifically". Althogh now that you brought it up, it is true that when I look back throughout the years, the 5 "main" people were sticking around, while some "additional" people were coming and going. So its possible the reason they didn't stick around is that they didn't feel welcome. But it still "wasn't as bad" as in my case. Because I remember two of the people that came and went was a guy and a girl that met each other in that group and started flirting with each other. That guy seemed to have interracted with others quite a bit (I know because I felt annoyed when I saw it) yet he still left. As far as others, I guess "logically" it is possible that someone was just as much shut down as me and I didn't notice since they were quiet. But this "logical possibility" just doesn't feel very likely. It feels like I was the only one who was ostracized to the extend that I was.

As far as "suggesting activities", I actually did a few weeks ago -- although again I was focused on myself and in fact I made it quite clear that it was all about me in the way that I spoke. So what happened was that they had some new members coming over, so they decided to have a dinner so that the new members can get to know each other. Now, I felt ostracized at that dinner, and I lost my temper over the fact that I was ostracized. Then, after that, I got agitated over the fact that everyone saw that temper tantrum that I threw, and this caused me to throw more and more tantrums. In any case, after the dinner was over and the person who organized the dinner was taking me home (by the way he was NOT the main organizer; the main organizer was not there; but he was one of the people on organizing team) I was complaining to him as to how I feel like I ruined my reputation with people and whether or not I can mend it somehow. As I was venting about it I said I wish there was another dinner so I can have a redo (yes I am sure I said it as in its all about me). He said he might try doing it at some point although he can't promise anything and he isn't sure when. In any case, what he ended up doing is he decided to have those dinners every week. I am not sure if thats still the case though, at least thats what he did for a while after that happened.

In any case, I ended up "not" showing up to that dinner. That was a combination of a few things. So the girl that liked me at the beginnign of semester who stopped comming afterwords and then was showing off her boyfriend, I will call her A. But then there was a different girl, N. who never liked me. Now, the A-girl was *not* at the dinner (like I said she stopped coming to things). But the N-girl was. So N-girl was one of the people that caused my very first tantrum at the dinner, although my subsequent tantrums weren't related to her (but she acted as if they were since she kept commenting on them). In any case, during the dinner itself, the N-girl avoided me ever since that tantrum. But then after the dinner when I emailed N-girl an apology with an explanation of what happened, she said she and others could do more to help me feel welcome and started asking every day how I was doing. She even offered to walk with me to the next dinner event that they had. So when she offered to walk with me, I asked myself "alright, why is it the girl offering to walk with me as opposed to a guy? Is it because she figured me out that I am obsessing about girls in general or her in particular?" And like you said in that next thing I am about to cite: that coming across as obsessing on women would not really look good in other people's eyes. Thats why I decided to prove her wrong by not coming.

Then the other thing that happened is with the A-girl. Like I said the A-girl was NOT at that dinner. But, as it happened, I sent her that email with that question literally the day or two AFTER that dinner (basically the explanation of that time coincident is the following: that dinner triggered me to talk to the organizer; so since I was already talking to him, I decided to bring up A-girl as well, and he encouraged me to contact her). Then, like I mentioned, after I contacted her she came to the Bible study and shown off her boyfriend. Now, both of those dinner meetings were sunday night. Bible study was on Thursday. So on Sunday night I asked organizer to arrange another dinner, which he did. Then on Thursday (three days BEFORE said other dinner) the A-girl made me feel really awkward by showing off her boyfriend. So then I needed to do SOMETHING to reinstate my self-esteem. What could I do? Ignoring A-girl wasn't an option since she was already ignoring me. So the only way to get even was to start ignoring N-girl. So I was actually glad that N-girl offered to walk with me towards the dinner since it gave me a chance to reject the offer thus "getting even". So I decided to avoid replying to that facebook message of hers and simply not show up to that dinner altogether (I went to a different cafe, by myself, that she has no idea about)

Now, if that was the only dinner they were going to have besides the one where I threw temper tantrums, then I would have come. Because I felt really bad about those tantrums and wanted to make up. But the whole point is that he didn't say it would be just one more dinner. He said it would be "weekly occurrence" (which is a lot more than what he promised me at first; he at first said he might do one more dinner and even that he wasn't sure of, but then few days later he wrote to everyone that he is making those dinners a weekly occurrence). So since it was going to be weekly, I figured that I can go ahead and miss as many of them as I want to miss and then I can always start coming if I ever change my mind.

I am not sure whether he really sticked with his plan of making it weekly though. Because you see they are sending out emails about the "happenings this week". And while first two weeks after that this dinner was mentioned in those emails, it stopped being mentioned. One of those times when I noticed it wasn't mentioned, I actually asked the organizer about it. He said "we won't have dinner this week but we might next week". But then few days later he changed his mind and decided he WILL have dinner that week after all: it was mentioned in a separate email for that same week plus both him and that N-girl emailed me separately asking if I want to come (I didn't respond to either of those messages, and didn't come -- for the same reason as I didn't come earlier). Then the week after that I had covid (which I told them about) so from that point onward my "not coming" was pretty self-explanatory. Except for the last two weeks of the semester when I was no longer sick, but I was really buzy catching up on grading that I had to do. Right now that semester is over I am pretty sure they don't meet any more (regardless of whether or not they did so back then). I mean the way they operate in general is that their plans/schedules are pretty much semester by semester.

However, one thing the main organizer told me just a few days ago is that, at least one person at that dinner (who was a male) perceived it differently from the way I did. Because during that dinner as I was "desperate to talk to prove to them that I can talk in a civil manner" I finally "did" talk, and I talked about my academic situation, which happened to include the fact that they are forcing me to graduate at the end of this year and I don't have thesis ready nor do I have a good prospects of where next to apply. So he interpretted my behavior as if I was frustrated at the way the department was treating me academically, and he was on my side because it alligns with his general idea that "departments just chew up graduate students and then get rid of them" (the words the organizer quoted him saying). Now, on my end of a line, I know that my behavior was due to frustration at how they were treating me as opposed to anything academic. But he didn't know, so he assumed it was academic. Thats why he viewed my behavior in more sympathetic light than I view it myself.

Now, I don't know how one specific guy being sympathetic would imply that they all are. Because the organizer made this particular point in conjunction with the point that people in general would welcome me if I resume coming. I guess I should have asked him, but I didn't beause he said a lot of other things I wanted to respond to and then he had to go.



I didn't set up chairs before the meeting (in fact I tend to come late). But I DID move away chairs AFTER the meeting. I wasn't the only one doing it: they all did. So it didn't make me stand out in any particular light.

On a separate note, there is such a thing as "organizer team". I didn't know about it up until this semester. But in the beginning of this semester I accidentally overheard about it. So I asked the main organizer why is it I am never selected to that team. He basically said that it is the combination of three of the following.

1) I was not coming there very regularly. Last year I never came at all, and the years before last year I would come once a month instead of once a week.

2) I told him about getting into trouble with other groups on campus

3) I hold onto beliefs of some Christian sects that they don't. In particular I believe in keeping Old Testament laws (I am Messianic) and I have futurist views of endtimes while he has preterist.

However, I can refute the above cited reasons

My answer to 1: One of the people who is on organizer team is not coming regularly either. When I asked him why is he still on organizer team despite not coming regularly, he said that it is because his irregularity is caused by school. So then I pointed out to him that in my case it is the same exact thing: I am constantly behind (to the point of working at night) thats why I am not coming. The only difference between me and him is that he said it ahead of time and I haven't. He would then point out how last year I didn't show up a single time for the whole year. I told him that this is because last year I was with my mom at California and I didn't want to go to zoom meeting from my mom's place since I hide my faith from her since she is Jewish. He then said they were appointing the leaders for this year last year, and last year he didn't know if he would ever see me again, so he couldn't have appointed me. I then asked him what about all the previous years. And he said "in the previous years you were getting into trouble with these two other groups". But the thing is that its my 6-th year here. And the times I was getting into trouble with those troups were two isolated occasions so it doesn't explain much.

My answer to 2 One of the people on his organizer team also told me about getting in trouble. In fact he got into worse trouble than I did. I was accused of racism, he was accused of paedophilia. In my case, I used "n****r from nigeria" as a word play (two words have the same rout) but they thought it was racist. In his case he crossed into someone's back yard to wittness gospel to a kid, and the kid's parents thought he was a paedophile. In both cases the accusation is presumably false and it is presumably misunderstanding. But still, what he did is worse than what I did. So why is it he can be in a leadership team and I can't? The only way organizer answered this is that I the information about him crossing into back yard is what he told me, and not him, so I shoudln't have been sharing it with him on the first place. And he told me that if I will continue sharing personal information people tell me, he would have to ask me not to come there again (it was really a warning: he said I am still welcome to come as is, in fact he encourages me to). So this is wrong on two levels:

a) I am sure others talk negative things about each other and about me. How come it is okay for them to do it but its not okay for me to do it?

b) Even if that was wrong of me to share it, fact remains: one of the organizers crossed into someone's yard. So why is he still on the leadership team then? Why is it crossing into back yard doesn't disqualify him from the leadership team, yet using N-word disqualifies me from the leadership team?

My answer to 3: He basically mentioned two things. One is my belief in the endtimes and the other thing is my keeping Old Testment law.

a) As far as my belief in the endtimes, I really don't see why it is sectarian. To me it seems like its him whose views are a bit unusual in this regard: he holds to preterist views that most of the book of Revelation happened in the first century. Yes some Christins are preterists (him) but a lot more are futurist (me), so actually I am in the majority in this regard. Now he said to this that his group is open to all views but in my case it sounds like I would insist on futurist views. So I then I asked him what if I simply hold futurist views but don't insist on them -- kind of like he holds preterist views but doesn't insist on them. His response to that was my behavior in the past when I kept talking about them.

b) As far as belief in keeping Old Testament law, that I agree is less usual. Some specific Christian sects keep Old Testament law (Messianics; United Church of God; Seventh Day Adventists to an extend) but most don't. However, I pointed out to him that when I talked about it to one of the members in organizer team (the same one as mentioned in Objection 2) he told me he is considering keeping Old Testament law himself, and in fact he came to the Messianic congregation when I invited him to. So the question is: why is he not getting removed from the leadership while I am?

When I pointed out to him those things, he was forced to admit that the REAL reason I am not on a leadership team is really my Asperger. And that is what I knew all along. In fact the whole point of the above rebutals was to show him that those were just an excuses while Asperger is the real reason. So after he admitted this I then asked him how does he know I can never improve to the point of being on the team. The best he could tell me is that he doesn't think I can't improve he just thinks I have "ways to go". But you see, the incident with N-word happened back in 2016. So how does he know I didn't improve between then and now?

As a matter of fact he does tell me he noticed I made progress. Which by the way is surprising because I don't think I was putting any effort to, I was just complainign. But after I asked him to specify, what he mentions is that I used to dominate the conversation in the Bible studies in the past but I am not doing it any more. I guess to me making progress in one area such as this is easy while making progress in the things that make me look weird overall (without being able to point finger on what it is about me that makes me weird) is a lot harder. Now when I said the latter it didn't look like he really knew what I talked about. Yet the fact that he doesn't include me in the leadership team makes it clear that he does. Because like I said, individual issues can be rebutted. But overall sense that I am weird can't be.



As I said, the group's demographics changed between past years and now.

In the past, there were 5 or 6 regular members, and out of them there was exactly 1 woman; the rest were all men. As far as new members that were coming and going, it would usually be "one more man" or "one more woman". So sometimes they did have 2 women when one of them was new. But usually it was just one extra woman (or at most two).

However right now things are very different. Out of the old members, most have graduated. The only ones that are still here are that 1 "regular" woman that I mentioned, plus also 1 man who was NOT one of the regular ones. But then we got flooded with a bunch of new members, a lot more than we had before. More than half of them are definitely women; I would even want to say two thirds, but I am not too certain about that. I would say over a half though.

Now, as far as that old woman, strangely enough I don't remember obsessing over her. In fact, the very first day I was there it was the opposite. Two of the guys were physicists, and I was upset why they wouldn't include me into their physics conversation. That woman was not included either: she was a musician. I would say it did seem like she tried to talk to me at some point. But I didn't really care. I was upset the physics guys wouldn't talk to me. Similarly during the Bible studies themselves: I felt like the guys kept ignoring my comments, while that woman was trying to respond to them. I added her on facebook at some point and complained to her about my social skills. She talked about suspecting having Asperger herself but it was only suspcion she was never diagnosed with it. At some point our facebook conversation switched over to debating whether Old Testament law should be kept. After debating it for a while she stopped replying to me on facebook. Although her behavior towards me in a group remains the same.

As far as the new women in the group, like I said I was mostly obsessing about A-girl and N-girl. I wasn't really thinking about others that much. Although I wouldn't say I like them any less. Rather its the fact that A-girl and N-girl got my attention. A-girl got my attention by seeming to like me first and then withdrawing it. And N-girl got my attention by totally ignoring me and then finally trying to contact me after I got upset about it. But if I take away the "attention factor" I don't think I like them any more than other girls. At this point I would take attention from any female cause I am desperate.

But, back to your point. So what I said was that in the past I was mostly focused on guys (except for that facebook conversation) while right now I focus on girls.

And let me talk about the other aspect of what you said. So, in the beginning of this semester, I had one of the multiple conversations with the organizer about my poor social skills and how to make friends. During his conversation he suggested that I talk to guys more than girls so that it won't be taken a wrong way. And by the way this conversation happened BEFORE I noticed either A-girl or N-girl. So he was probably thinking of a general fact that he had a large influx of girls. In any case, I immediately asked him whether or not he assumes I am undatable and if so why not. He gave me the following specturm of answers:

a) He would recommend to every other guy the same thing that they should focus on guys

b) I would be more attractive to the opposite gender if I had male friends

c) He thinks I have a long way to go before I am ready for a relationshp

Well, I think "c" is the real reason. And so I pointed out to him that I had relationships in the past, in fact in a distant past. So if he thinks I am improving, AND I had relationships in the distant past, why can't I have them now? He didn't have anything to say to that.

When the main organizer stopped answering that question, I then talked about it to one of the people in the organizer's team (the same guy who crossed into the kids backyard). At first he agreed with me that the main organizer is wrong for thinking I shouldn't have a girlfriend. But then after I kept talking to him about it, he kept giving me advice to focus on the Lord. To me it sounded like an insinuation that he also doesn't think I should have a girlfriend. And then, after that incident at the dinner with temper tantrums, he said "if you are not pursuing a woman and trying to get to know her, you should check your intnetions of having a woman in your life on the first place". And I was like wait a second. Is he telling me that I should try either at a level 10 or level 1, while level 5 isn't acceptable, and because I am "at 5 rather than 10" thats why he says I "work too hard" for not being at 1? THat makes no sense at all.

But when later I asked him what he means by "intentions of having a woman" and what would be an example of "wrong intention", he said an example would be "an intention to treat her with anger". I kept pointing out that it makes no logical sense, because it is circular. I am angry because I don't have a woman, yet I want a woman so that I have an outlet for anger. No matter how many times I kept pointing out to him that its circular, he kept ignoring me (I was pointing it out to him over the email).

The other thing he told me is that, in his case, he also had wrong intentions with women (in his case it had to do with using them for sex or with being sarcastic with them). And he said that he found that when he doesn't talk to a woman it is usually because of "quick evaluation of his own intentions" that causes him to stop himself from talking to her so that he won't do something wrong. So I told him that I don't operate this way. In my case when I don't talk to a woman it is usually shyness. But, again, he wasn't responding to those messages.

But, back to the point that you made. If (as cyberdad pointed out) most people who go to these things are hoping to pair up, why were you telling me that organizers would find it annoying if they see that I have that intention too? Is it because people assume I am undatable? If so, maybe thats a big part of the problem. Since women assume I am undatable they don't approach me, and since everyone else assumes I am undatable they don't try to set me up with anyone. So what is it that makes people assume that?

Actually in my case this is very relevant. But not about "her maturing fast" but rather "me maturing slowly". I think the fact that I mature so slowly is part of the reason why I am in this predicament to begin with. For example, little kids won't take a shower or brush their hair unless their mommy reminds them of it. I forget to do those things too. And that is also because I am like a little kid. BUt others don't realize that its me being a kid, they assume I am homeless or something. Thats why women seem to avoid me.

And then the way I hold conversation is also childish. For example I don't know most of the things people my age know. For example, when I was talking with Resident Assistent why my roommate doesn't trust me with regards to cleanliness in the kitchen, he said "I was going to say would you trust Simpson with a knife, but you probably don't know who he is, so let me ask you whether you would trust Stalin with an army" (and he was right: I didn't know who Simpson is). I look up to other people the way little kids look at adults: as authorities to "tell" if I am "good" or "bad" (thats why I react to conflict so painfully because I am being told "I am bad" rather than just the fact that "we disagree"). In general I focus my conversations on myself and not on the other person, which is also something a little kid would do. My tantrums are definitely examples of me being like a kid. Thats actually why I throw them. If an adult does it, I would get scared. If a little kid, I wouldn't be. And I see myself as a little kid. And even the fact that my voice is naturally loud is quite common among little kids.

So I guess this kinda makes your point even stronger. Even if I don't wait for a woman to mature, a 20 year old is already a lot older than me in some ways. Although I see your point too. Even if I was already "psychologically 20" (which I am not), this very fact would imply I mature very slowly, so just about anyone would get ahead of me few years down the road.

But you see, if the issue is "me maturing slowly" as opposed to "her maturing fast" then this would apply to women of all ages. So I know that I have to start maturing faster, no matter whom I date. Well, once I start doing what I "should have been doing before", I would like to relive the life I should have had before. Thats why I want to find a woman in her 20-s to "start over".



Like I said, I am not rich. But even if I was, I don't want to be used for money. Although again, its not an option anyway since I am not rich.



I certainly don't want to be a daddy figure since this would prevent the emotional bond that I am seeking. The key component of emotional bond is to be "on the same boat". Being a daddy prevents this.

But like I said I feel like I am much younger than my age. So I feel like I "could be" on the same boat with a woman in her 20-s if only she were to realize this.