Why do you think a relationship will make you happy?

Post Reply New Topic

My partner tells me she was having a sad time before her relationship with me. Now she's happy.

I'm not someone who can block messages. Many say I should write nothing.

I think you are someone who cannot do nothing.

Honestly though I'm simultaneously great at doing almost nothing.

Thus I am happy now because somewhere in there we're doing unbelievable things.

There are always exceptions, of course. I'm not talking about rules that cannot be broken, just two opposites on a continuum. But what I said is quite often what you'll see. It's really all a mind game, an attitude, or a matter of perspective. My "advice" if it is anything isn't really helpful, and I know that. I'm just trying to explain something in hopes that it might be useful for someone. I could sit here and post to WP all day and be happy, or watch TV, or watch movies, or just stay in bed and sleep. My life has always been difficult. Finding joy, I learned, was always a choice. And that has ultimately pushed me to do things outside my usual box. You just find your awesome and go for it, whatever that is. Some people are fine with things the way they are and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just about how you perceive your circumstances. I reached a point at which I thought, what if I could do more? And it just grew from there.

Yes, happy people do live in a bubble. For some people, compassion is exactly what makes them feel good about themselves, so they will take time for others, even miserable people. Thing is they don't DWELL in misery, so they still protect themselves from it. There's only so much they can do with unhappy individuals. I'm talking about people who PREFER loneliness and self-loathing. People who get off on whining and complaining. Even the nicest happy people struggle with that. It's frustrating. So it's easier to leave that type of person alone until she decides on her own to rise above it.

On the other hand, it's an effective strategy. Anyone can use it. Start gravitating towards more positive, upbeat people and avoid those who both complain about everything and encourage you to do the same. The more you dwell on what's wrong, the unhappier you will be and the less you'll work on real solutions. Happy people will immediately remedy personal issues they can't avoid.

Something happy people don't advertise is how many problems they really do have. The more outgoing you are, the more risks you take, the more issues you're going to have. Miserable people give up and pout about it. Happy people reframe it is something else. Examples:

Failure=Teachable moment
Deficiency=Opportunity for growth
Problems=Challenges

They don't think in terms of the impossible. It's not really in their vocabulary. So when they hit the wall and are forced to give up, they just find something else worthwhile, challenging, and fun. Marathon runners experience this in a unique way. Trying to run too fast at the start of the race, not preparing properly, their bodies use up carb fuel too fast and can't process fat stores in time to compensate. Combined with dehydration, lactic acid builds up and shuts down leg muscles. Lack of fuel clouds the brain, too, impairing judgment. And so you have sometimes experienced runners crawling on hands and knees across the finish line because they "hit the wall." And those are just the ones who make it. Not all finish.

Take that as an analogy. Unhappy people will start training for a 5k, get a quarter of a mile in, and walk back because something hurts, out of breath, heart is in their throats, feel like they're gonna throw up. Happy people look at it as "conditioning." At the start of summer, I nearly doubled my miles and got a good case of runner's knee. Could run. Could NOT walk. So every chance I got, I stretched my legs out, usually when sitting watching TV or whatever. I replaced my morning run with 5k on an arc trainer at the Y. The machine helped me monitor my heart rate AND fixed my posture so I didn't overuse my knees. The problem eventually cleared up on its own after that.

Happy people will fix mistakes or seek a different path. Beginning runners training for a marathon might sometimes purposefully hit the wall on their long runs so they know what it feels like. They will do what it takes to avoid that at all costs on race day. Walk through aid stations, fuel gels every 5 miles. Know your limits, save some for that final sprint across the finish.

What mistakes did I make? Do I bother fixing them? Or do better avoiding entirely? Do I really need to just quit, or can I push my limits somehow? Happy people tend to have more options, look for the awesome in everything. Quitting is a last resort, a time to reflect and consider a better or different path. Ok, the marathon didn't work out this year. I'll do halfs next year and try again the next. Ok, my time management sucks and I got bogged down in too many projects to write my first symphony. I'll dedicate one hour every day starting now and have it ready by next season. I wanted to get some stuff done but have been laid up in bed from illness/bad health. Hey, I can write that novel/publish that poetry collection/start that blog I've been wanting to do.

Unhappy people? It's impossible. I can't. I tried. I quit. It's his/her/their fault. I could do it IF ONLY... It costs too much money to... It's not my job. I'd get fired for that (ok, I'm guilty of that one!). I need this job too much. I have to take care of my kids. I don't feel good/too sick.

It's not that getting out/doing stuff/winning at everything defines happy people. They aren't defined by accomplishment any more than miserable people are defined by a lack of it. It's just they do all this stuff because they are happy and feel like crossing something off the bucket list. There are highly successful people out there who seek out and do all kinds of crap BECAUSE they are really miserable people who think THIS will make them happy. They finish the race so to speak but are disappointed. My ex-fiancée always told me things will be better if... I gave you a promise ring, and you were sad. When things got a little better, I proposed, and you were sad. We moved up the wedding date, and you were sad. The whole time you said those things will make you happy. And I'm supposed to believe marriage and babies are the panacea for all your ills? I'm done being unhappy, and I'm done with YOU. My WIFE? I asked her what was wrong when we were dating. She said, "after 6 years? REALLY? It's time to $#¡+ or get off the can." She was unhappy because she'd been TOO patient and was ready to cut her losses. She wanted to move forward or move on. And that's how happy people think. Miserable people don't feel a real need to change a bad situation or look at it as anything different. To their credit, it really is easier that way.

My lawnmower broke early in the season. TWICE. We couldn't really afford to replace it but decided to wait to have it repaired. 6 weeks, a vacation, and two paychecks later the grass is taller than me. I bought a new lawnmower. Eventually the old one will be fixed. When that happens, two people can cut grass at the same time. And when (not if) one breaks down again, we'll still have a backup.

That's kind of unfair saying that unhappy people just give up. I think they don't know what else to do. They never had positive support so don't know when us good to push through or when it'll just make life worse.

I don't know if shame is a big factor. When you are aware people already think you're a piece of crap trying a new thing and failing and having everyone smirk at you makes you feel like an even bigger piece of crap. Logically no one should care what anyone else thinks, but after years of being disregarded it's hard to see oneself in a good light.

Too ill is an issue. When your body won't work, you can't do anything about that. You can't tell a sick person to climb a mountain and not expect it to make them more sick.

Some days just leaving the house is an accomplishment for me. I actually managed to go to church yesterday and I couldn't concentrate because my head hurt so much and I felt dizzy.

I have this weird low grade fever at the moment too. When ever I move i over sweat and I just feel hot and uncomfortable and tired and achey. It's draining just being alive let alone doing anything productive.

Saying that though I have accomplished a lot in my life and people see me as successful. It's mostly the social stuff that gets me down. I find it so hard to connect with people. I've tried to find someone who I can have a relationship with, but it never works out. I feel like I'm always the one who makes the effort, does the inviting but I get nothing back.

No one ever wants me and I don't know why and that trapped feeling of no matter what I do I'm not good enough is hard to view in a positive light. It's hard to translate that into anything other than pain and the sting of tears in my eyes.

That's a matter of ignorance. Easy fix. That's why there are so many motivational and inspirational writers, speakers, and teachers out there.


Story of my life! Short answer is just stop listening to haters. Yes, you will start to believe the hate after a while, and I don't think I'll ever completely recover from all the damage it's done me. But some scars can make you tougher, so there's potentially always an upside.


Right. But sick doesn't equate to unhappy. You do whatever you CAN. I'll never run an Ironman or an ultra. But I can still enjoy running short distances or Olympic triathlons. MAYBE I'll work up to marathon one day. But even if I'm home in bed all day, I'm writing music. Or reading something interesting.

It's a mindset. Happy people are happy and thus WANT to do things. They don't need those things to be happy. There are miserable people who outperform happy people all the time. It's just the activity is superficial and meaningless for them.


You did what you could. Can't judge you for that.


Understood. I'm short on time but would otherwise have a longer answer! The brief unhelpful version is just keep at it.


Ugh...time is not on my side today. For the social part, I like the book How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's an older book, but still relevant. In a nutshell, it's all about the Golden Rule. Basically, human nature is inherently evil and selfish. When you appeal to the perceived needs of others, they tend to give it back. Not because they want to be nice to you. Because they like how you make them feel and want to keep you around.

As insensitive as this will sound, you have to stop thinking about how you feel. You have to put what everyone else wants first. This is hard for most people because they can't do it without being obviously disingenuous. You have to build a habit of doing this, which means you'll be faking a lot of it right at first. It eventually grows on you. People give up because they lack the patience for it, and it is a long process.

Carnegie's advice on romantic relationships is freakin' DATED. Like, 1940's-'50's dated. But he also emphasizes that you should never stop learning and stay current on what's happening out there. The basics never change (human nature). But you might have to adjust your approach. If a man were to try some of his ideas on female staff at work, he might end up getting sued for sexual harassment no matter how well-intentioned he is.

Another good read is Jon Acuff's Start. He has another book I want to read titled Quitter. He was inspired by a conversation he had on an airplane with an elderly lady who expressed some regret over a wasted life. He goes from there to Start where he explores fear and how it cripples us from really pursuing our dreams.

I'm not saying I agree with everyone on all points that they make. I mean, make up your own mind. But they make a lot of good points and a lot of the info there is useful.

My all time fav is 7 Habits. Not sure if that would help you, but if you're used to working in a high pressure environment, it's a must-read. 7 Habits is more about organization and planning. Over half of it deals with "private victories," developing the person first. It moves from there to translating "private victories" into "public victories" (getting people to work with you in achieving mutual goals. You have to sell people on a shared vision. Steve Jobs was a genious at this. So that part of 7 Habits might work well for you in your personal life where the rest of it you can take or leave).

Alrighty Angelrho. I've been saying to my sister that I want to volunteer for this project type thing, but I'm not sure I'm up for it, but you know what she said just apply and see if they're interested, so I will. Doesn't matter if they don't want me at least I'll have stepped outside my comfort zone in applying for something different social activity wise. Maybe there can be something else comes up in the future I can help with. If I put my name forward.

I'll try and organise some social things too. Make an effort to get to know some new people. But I'll pace myself and make sure health wise I'm not doing too much all at once.

That's basically it. I understand relationships have gotten you down. The two ways to win at this are 1) decide and accept romantic relationships just aren't your awesome and you prefer being single--letting go and ridding yourself of social pressures, OR 2) Proactively seek out what it is at the root of your perceived social and dating problems, adjust, adapt, or correct as needed.

Just wondering, how have some of your relationships or dates ended that you felt made it end badly for you? Is there one rejection or something else that really stands out in your mind?

At least I have my health

My copy of the book didn't include that section.

Men just don't want to spend time with me and end up going out with or marrying someone else. No worse end than someone else being chosen over you.

I never really get to a point where there is a date. We send time as a group maybe in some social activity or at work and I'm the one that usually makes a move to invite the guy to something. He accepts but never invites me anywhere.

Last year's guy would stare at me, but not talk to me. He made me anxious. So much so that i had a panic attack one time. Dont know why. We would talk from time to time, but we never really saw each other outside of church. I had him round with a couple of friends for a meal, but he didn't invite me anywhere after that and then I found out he was seeing someone else. That has ended now. Also he played a mean joke on me in front of a load of people, so not interested in him now. I think he's quite immature and genuinely thought he was being funny, at least I hope so otherwise it's the cruelest thing any guy has done to me.

Most recent chap hasn't been in touch with me since I saw him last and from Facebook I've gleaned he's a very political atheist and really doesn't agree with the way I live my life anyway. He's very anti religion. So that's not gonna work.

Not having a religion does not mean lacking religion. I am thoroughly finished telling the globe what I think publicly. We all already killed public me. The flying spaghetti monster I don't even live by is not some kind of demonic plague.

We don't live in a country that legally allows us to live religiously or secularly. We don't work on the internet as a means of arguing; we work on what we love because of what we believe. Telling people what nations 'should' believe is called Fascism & I believe there's already been too much of that resulting war to continually allow obvious callous insensitivity. Considering everything I'm already not writing will be considered a joke before most of you are done reading, that looks like enough writing.

Being called an atheist just means someone's chosen patron deities are not thinking impulsively, the U.S. constitution says anyone can be, so thanks for so politely asking my friends how godless we all are you pitiful warmongers. I know all the wrong names for God in the eyes of this presidency.

As for me, yes, this entire time I've been quite happy.

I don't mind atheists. Im not prejudiced. I just can't see how I could combine my life with someone who totally doesn't agree with how i live my life.

I already have one parent who makes my life difficult and criticises my choices and says things to me like "you're too clever to believe this rubbish" why would I want a partner who does that?

Sometimes I'm glad I'm single because dealing with other people is just too much for me sometimes!!

People are so unprictible. They can be okay with something one day and upset by the same thing the next day. I hate it!!

Trying to predict how people will respond to something is harder than rocket surgury!!

I still know because she taught me my life is not a cruel joke.

Not changing my tune in here, people are making decent points about nobody & nothing. Thread remains nasty.

Wow...that's tough, all of it. Atheists aren't so bad. But there's a fine line between atheism and anti-theism, specifically animosity towards believers. PPR here on WP used to be really nasty, but most of those users left. Religious incompatibilty is a relationship/marriage killer, so I think you're on the right track there.

What social activities are/were you into where you'd meet guys?