The only women my age I would be interested in

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Which brings the question: why is it some people advice ME not to look actively. Like they say

--- Focus on being happy with yourself (secular version)

--- Focus on serving the Lord (Christian version)

Is it because they assume it is already too late?

In this case I don't agree with this philosophy. I think if its late, you have to hurry to "run against the clock", rather than give up. To me I find it insulting when people assume I should give up.

Hugh Hefner didn't seem to mind.

What experience are you drawing from here? He's been passive with no results yet and you've been as active as a person can possibly get without results yet. How can you possibly know that your way is right when it is not working?



You asked, "why is it some people advice (sic) ME not to look actively" I can't answer for anyone else but I can answer for me. You won't like my answer but it is MY answer. Happy people are sexy. Desperate people are not. You don't have to like that but it is absolutely true. I have no doubt at all that you are coming across almost pathologically desperate to women, and it is scaring the hell out of them. The truth? I'll bet I'm not the only one who gets a bit nervous trying to respond and help you. Personally, I'm afraid that nine-hundred-ninety-nine helpful words and one wrong word and you won't hear a single one. That you'll accuse me of not wanting to see you happy - which is the furthest thing from the truth or worse - that you'll do something silly. What if you misinterpret something I say to mean you'll never find someone? You've already stated in this thread what you would do if you believed that. You are super intense about this subject AND your opinion about it.

Let me ask you a question. This isn't the first, second or third time you've talked about this and sought advice, right? How many years has it been since you've received something from someone who didn't agree with your methods, that you thought was good advice?



First of all, I am not assuming that it is too late. Keep that in mind as you read this next sentence, please. Sometimes when we try to do a thing too fast, we end up making mistakes and botching the whole thing. Sometimes we are required to slow down in order to do a thing correctly.



While I spoke to the other parts of your post, this was the line that caused me to want to respond. I have followed this thread quite closely and I have arrived at a conclusion that I would like to share with you in an effort to be helpful. I have seen a number of cases - not just one or two, in which you seem to become very defensive toward people that I believe you've misunderstood their intentions. I've never seen you misunderstand something negative and mistakenly think they were being encouraging but I've seen you misunderstand something neutral or even positive and react as if they were attacking you.

Personally, I think you should give up doing things the way you are doing them. The biggest reason I would suggest that is because the way you are attempting to find a relationship isn't working. It's been said by none other than Einstein that, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". I truly do want you to find happiness - and hey, maybe for you happiness is going to be found in finding a relationship. Maybe you'll find happiness without a relationship but won't know that until after you've been in one. Who knows? But if what you are doing isn't working - try something different. What have you got to lose? I know, that as humans, we can be very resistant to change - even more so perhaps because we're on the spectrum...but if it's important enough to you, perhaps you'll be willing to give it a try.

^ Unless you're rich, a celebrity, highly charismatic , extremely good looking etc , you cant expect to find somebody, without trying. Expecting something to happen without proactively seeking and looking out for opportunities, going up to people talking to them, is a just putting it in the hands of luck or fate. Which is a bad strategy in my opinion. In fact its no strategy at all. It's just being passive. Of course you don't want be so active as to appear desperate, it's finding the right balance. It's just going to new places, meeting new people and seeing what happens naturally. But with no expectations.

Bingo, I was hoping people learn from my experiences as a 20-30 year old where I was just stumbling through life with no strategy for life/partners. I could quite easily remove that decade from my life and it would have made no difference to my progress.

Of course we all need to suppress desperation (nobody likes a desperado) but you need an active "evidence based" strategy if you want to catch the girlies

Are you speaking to me or to "theprisoner"? Because what you are quoting is "me quoting the prisoner" yet none of my words actually are cited there. So I am confused.

In any case, if you are referring to me, then I guess your assertion that I am "as active as a person can be" is linked to the question whether or not others can deduce my thoughts from my actions. Because in most of those cases I don't actually try to talk to a woman (much less ask her out) but instead I am obsessing about her in my head and then this obsessiveness affects my non-verbal behavior. Now, if that is something the woman can read, then yes you could say "I have effectively asked her out". For example, if instead of saying yes I nod my head, you might say that even though I haven't literally said the word "yes", but everyone knows that I have. So are you saying that what I am doing with women is similar?

I guess the big question is *can* she read it? In case of the example of the nod, yes, most people know that nod means yes. But in case of the examples of my interaction with women, do women actually know that my behavior implies obsession over them, as opposed to simply me being weird? Can you go over some of those examples?

I guess one way to answer my own quesetion is to point out that with the A-girl in the Bible study I actually emailed her that if, in fact, she was interested 2 months ago I want a second chance. So this is as close to asking her out as it can be (except that I did that 2 months later, and on the email rather than in person). But the point is that she was the first one who -- in my perception -- expressed interest (although of course my perception could have been wrong). I don't show interest in women unless they show it first. And since very few of them ever show it, thats why my asking them out is very rare.

What happens a lot more often is something similar to Example 3 of this thread viewtopic.php?t=385164 Now, if you read that specific example, then I haven't actually said a single word: it was all in my head. Which again brings up a question: was she able to deduce I was thinking it? I mean yes, she probably saw that my face was angry. But would she deduce that "angry look" implies "obsession over why she isn't talking to me"?

Now, in "few" of those cases I end up blowing up at which point I make it obvious (such as in case of the N girl described on this thread). But in most cases I don't; instead I go to facebook and complain there. So the woman in question wouldn't know it, unless she happens to be friends with one of the facebook people I complained to -- which is highly unlikely just from pure statistical point of view (I don't make public posts about it, I send private messages to people).

By the way, speaking of N girl, do you think she is able to deduce that my subsequent ignoring her is really due to my obsession over her? I mean on my end of a line, it is. But do you think she knows it?



If I look at most of the dating advice on the internet, then yes this is precisely what it says. But here is the difference between dating advice to others, and what is being communicated to me. In case of dating advice to others, they actually say that the purpose of not thinking about it is to appear more confident/attractive so that you "can" get a date. On the other hand, in case of advice given to me, nobody says "so that eventually you can get a date". Instead they simply tell me not to think about it "just because". Do you see the difference?

Now, what you are trying to tell me is that the phrase "so you can get a date" is something that they think without saying. But it is just a speculation on your part. Is there any way you could back up the assertion that they are, in fact, thinking this?



As far as "scaring" part, yes, I noticed some women cross the street when I walk. Now the question is *why* does it scare women? Its one thing to say that it is unattractive, and it is quite another thing to say it scares them (as in they suspect I am unsafe). So why is it the latter?



Actually, I would hear the 999 helpful words. It is simply that if I agree with something, there is no need to say that I agree: we are both on the same page. But when I am disagreeing with something then yes I verbalize it. I guess I need to change this communication habbit so that others see they aren't wasting their mind. I have to acknowledge the things I agree with (which I often don't do) and then the attitude towards my disagreement would be different.



Lets be careful here. I am not accusing them of "not wanting to see me happy". Rather I am accusing them of "not wanting to see me with someone". It seems to me that they want me to "find happiness as single". As in "I am not meant to be with someone, so I should learn to be happy with that kind of situation". And this really puts me off.



Are you confusing me with someone else? I never threatened to do anything. In particular

a) I never been suicidal nor ever will be

b) I never contemplated raping anyone, nor ever will

c) I never contemplated getting violent nor ever will

The only thing I might do are the things I have already been doing (complaining, arguing with people, spending too much time on the internet, etc).

You said as if on this very thread I threatened to do something. Where? Can you quote me please? And I will correct you where you misunderstood what I said.



That part is correct, but it doesn't translate into any unsafe behavior.



Good question. The closest thing that I can remember is when people "planted seeds" so to speak and then much later I would realize on my own that they were right. It is hard to remember any occasion where I would agree with them right away though.



Thats what you just told me. But is it what others are thinking, too? Or are others thinking its too late?



So what way would you recommend instead?



Thanks for still thinking of this as an option.



That is precisely what most others are suggesting and that is what pisses me off. Its like they are telling me I should accept the fact that my genes are going to get out of the gene pool while be happy along the way. Kind of an euphanasia being done in a humane, painless, way.

And let me reiterate that I am not suicidal nor ever would be. I am just explaining why I get insulted by some of the advice I received.



What are some of your suggestions?

This is something of a double standard. Women are almost always turned off by desperate guys(my current girlfriend is the golden unicorn & she does NOT conform to the woman stereotype) but some guys(especially me) really like desperate women. They tend to be much more willing to give guys like me a real chance when most other women believe that we are giant losers. I do NOT think of myself as a loser for not measuring up to normal people but lots of others have accused me of having low self-esteem. I have low esteem for others & society in general. I tend to like & accept myself & I know I have some great qualities for the rite partner who would appreciate them. For example I'm very loyal, supportive, protective of my romantic partners, I really try to make my partners feel better when they are upset, I'm very accepting that nobody is perfect & I want my partner to be real instead of her having to pretend or her needing to worry about her looks thinking I won't find her attractive, I'm very affectionate with my partners, the friends I've had thought I was very sweet, I have a sense of humor & really try to make my partners & friends laugh(I'm comic relief). However I am very very aware that most others would not give me a real chance to prove myself to them. Because I am aware that I do have a lot of what others see as faults & problems when I get compared to normal people & I do not fit in & am very often misunderstood, I was often thought to have major self-esteem issues. In reality I like myself, it's the expectation & pressure to conform to suciety that I hate, NOT myself.

QFT: Not ignoring your post; but it's going to take me a while to respond due to length, so I'm jumping over it for now. I'll be back.

Well yes, I suppose it is a double standard but like all double standards, it cuts both ways. You like desperate women but typically, women don't like desperate men. The corollary to that is, 'Women like confident men and you don't like confident women." A woman could just as easily say, "What a horrible double standard! I like confident men but they don't like me because I'm confident!"

Yeah, but the confident woman won't hurt as much by the virtue of her confidence. Thats why it would be fair to both genders to take care of the desperate ones first.

Is it common that most men do not like confident women though, compared to non-confident?

I wonder if that's men or just insecure men.

Do a lot of men not like confident women because they are more willing in the bedroom so to speak, is that it most likely?

QFT I keep getting error messages trying to post my reply so I'm going to break it up into a couple of messages and see if that helps.

Yes QFT, I was speaking to you. I understand why you were confused and I’m sorry that I wasn’t clear. I did have a point with this but it’s a small one so let’s leave this and just move on.



In answer to your last question, “So, are you saying that what I am doing with women is similar?” My answer is, yes; that is more or less what I am saying. I don’t believe the women believe that you have ‘effectively asked them out’ as you suggested, but I do believe that they (in nearly every case) interpret your body language, mannerisms, etc., to mean: a) You are interested in them or b) they recognize that it is a little ‘off’ what they perceive to be ‘normal’ and so, like most people, they become frightened because people fear what they don’t understand.



Some women are absolutely going to be able to read the non-verbal clues you are giving them. Some are just going to think you’re a little weird. What effective difference does it make which is which is they are both turn-offs to them? Again, effective difference rather than theoretical difference.

No, I can’t give you specific examples without being there to point them out. You aren’t describing your interactions with women as it actually is – you are describing them as you see it. If you saw the non-verbal clues you were giving them – you’d stop giving them those clues, wouldn’t you? So, since you don’t see them, you aren’t describing them to us here.



Okay, here. Yes, you effectively asked her out. You did not have to say the words, “Will you go out with me” for her to hear that this is what you said. In her mind there is absolutely no difference between “I want to go out with you” and “If you were, in fact, interested in me two months ago, I’d like another chance”. You are finding nuance where she is incapable of finding nuance. As someone on the autism spectrum, I know that people frequently do not share my interpretation of the words that we speak – not the words that I speak to them and not the words that they speak. This is one of those times.



I responded to this specifically on December 9th in that thread. It was never responded to so I don’t know if you saw it or not. Let’s address this here and now though. You said, “She probably saw that my face was angry”. She doesn’t have to know why you are angry! Angry people are unpredictable and can be dangerous. People instinctively steer clear of angry people. So many times you seem to think that it is being suggested that people can read your mind because they act as if they are put off by you when you are communicating to them to stay away in many other ways. This would be one.



Again, you don’t have to blow up in anger for them to know you are angry. NT’s tend to be better than ND’s at reading body language. Even with the ND community, some of us read body language and non-verbal cues better than others. Even you acknowledged that the cashier we talked of a minute ago saw your face was angry. And here’s the thing: You don’t even have to be angry. If you blow up, she’ll know. If you hold it in, most women are going to interpret the non-verbal signs that you are angry. If you are not angry but are concentrating really hard on trying to figure out what to say or why she isn’t saying anything – she might misinterpret THAT to mean you’re angry.



No, I don’t think she is blaming your obsession over her for you ignoring her. She doesn’t ‘get’ you. Period; full stop. Because she doesn’t get you and because she doesn’t have a relationship with you already – because there is nothing to ‘save’, it’s easier to walk away. The truth is, she’s probably not thinking of you at all any longer. She wasn’t interested in the first place but your blow-up made her feel bad. As she said, “I guess I could have been more welcoming”. My guess is that she believes that ‘being welcoming’ is a character asset and in failing to be as welcoming as she could have been, she failed to be a ‘good’ person.

Her reaching out to you after that – what you called ‘pity friendship’ was her trying to feel better about her failing, to make amends. Having made a good faith effort, she’s redeemed herself in her eyes and now the matter is closed in her mind. People gravitate toward each other because it brings them joy – not stress. I avoid social interactions, for instance, because I find them stressful. I’m really good at them but that doesn’t mean they’re not stressful for me. For her, interacting with you is stressful because she doesn’t ‘get’ you and so she’s always afraid that she’s going to offend you inadvertently. That’s my opinion, but I’d bet money on it being right. And btw, when I say I’m good at it, that’s a subjective comment. Why don’t you take a look and make up your own mind, It is the last post in this thread: viewtopic.php?t=24312&start=1584



If I look at most of the dating advice on the internet, then yes this is precisely what it says. But here is the difference between dating advice to others, and what is being communicated to me. In case of dating advice to others, they actually say that the purpose of not thinking about it is to appear more confident/attractive so that you "can" get a date. On the other hand, in case of advice given to me, nobody says "so that eventually you can get a date". Instead they simply tell me not to think about it "just because". Do you see the difference? [/quote]

Yes, I see the difference. The difference makes no difference. If you don’t think about it – it will make you appear more confident/attractive. If this advice is accurate then how will, “Don’t think about it just because” fail to make you more confident/attractive? Let me give you an example to illustrate this in the event that it’s not clear.

Let’s say the woman of your dreams, who is going to fall head over heels in love with you at first sight, is working behind the desk at your local library right now. I could tell you to go to the front desk of your local library because there you will find the woman of your dream who is waiting to meet you. Or, I could tell you to go to the front desk of your local library and not tell you why. Either way, you still find the woman of your dreams and she still falls head over heels for you. There is no practical difference.



Again, it doesn’t matter! What if they are not thinking that? What if someone told you to go to the front desk of the library to get a book but didn’t mention that you’re going to find the woman of your dreams if you do? If the advice leads to success, who cares? Maybe they don’t even know that the advice they’re giving you is going to lead to success – but you do! You’ve read that dating advice on the internet already!

to be continued...

Are you asking why desperation is interpreted by many people as unsafe? If so, I’m going to suggest that you can find the answer for yourself quite easily if you think about it. Here’s some idea’s though: I have a daughter who I love more than I can express. Let’s say someone kidnapped her. It would be fair to say that I’d be absolutely desperate to get her back, wouldn’t you think? Because I’m desperate, don’t you think I might go to extreme lengths to get her back? Or perhaps my father has cancer and there’s an experimental surgery that could save him but insurance doesn’t cover it and it’s very expensive. On account of how desperate I am for money, I would be more inclined to do some things to get the money (and hence save someone’s life who I love) that I would not consider if I wasn’t desperate.

Desperate people are more inclined to do things that are unsafe. It doesn’t mean they will, only that they are more inclined. If people can’t predict a range of expected behaviors from someone, they’ll usually avoid them.





Okay, I can see why you haven’t explicitly stated your agreement now, but I think it would be helpful to do so as you suggest here.





There are two things going on here. First, this is one of those distinctions or differences that you see that most people do not. Second, you’ve missed a distinction or difference that actually does exist. Let’s do them in order then… First:

I said, “Personally, I'm afraid…that you’ll accuse me of not wanting to see you happy.” You responded with, “Let’s be careful here. I’m not accusing them of…” What is there to be careful of? I told you how I feel and how I suspect other people feel. Feelings aren’t facts, but they still influence humans. I do not have feelings carefully. They arise, I feel them, and sometimes I communicate them to others as I did here with you.

Second, you have been very clear that you will not be happy unless you get with someone. Therefore, if you accuse them of ‘not wanting to see you with someone’ then according to what you’ve explained repeatedly to them, ‘they don’t want to see you happy’. These are logical equivalents. Let me give an example based on the idea that men can’t get pregnant and give birth. i.e., Let’s be careful here. I didn’t accuse you of not being able to give birth. Rather, I am accusing you of being a man.



~shrug~ People are going to have different opinions than you; it is what it is. I do not understand though, why you keep making this false equivalency though: “Find happiness as single” does not equal “You are not meant to be with anyone”. It is very clear that you are put off by this even when these do not mean the same thing to the person suggesting it. Finding happiness single will make you more attractive, more confident, and more desirable to women. As a result it’ll increase your chances of getting into a relationship – not stand in the way of one.





Nope, I can’t quote you. It may be that I was mistaking you for someone who explicitly said that if they realized they’d never find someone they would make plans to end their life. If that wasn’t you, I apologize but if it wasn’t you, it’s because I confused the levels of desperation which are more or less carbon copies of each other. For what it’s worth, I did look. When a cursory look didn’t yield the results, I copied and pasted everything you said in this thread into a Word document so I could use the ‘Find’ feature in Word. Just your words in this thread came to more than thirty pages typewritten pages single spaced. There’s a lot of material to go through so it may be that I simply missed it.





Again, I think desperation does lead to, at bare minimum, a willingness to participate in unsafe behavior. If this doesn’t apply to you and never will, then I happily apologize and am very glad to hear that.





It doesn’t matter what others are thinking when they say that. You can’t know – it is unknowable. Even if you ask every single person in the world what they think, some people will tell the truth, others will lie, and still others will lie to themselves about what they really think or feel and so you won’t be able to know for sure. Honestly, I’d find it hard to believe that anyone thinks it’s too late. If I were to be completely candid, I’d guess that most people (~70%) think your desperation is putting women off. And again, just to be completely candid and transparent, I think that a minority (maybe 15 - 20%) think that, not that it’s too late, but that the skill set you are using isn’t going to land you anyone ever and your resistance to changing your skill set is going to ensure that you won’t ever find someone. That leaves about 10 - 15% of the people that have a collection of beliefs that fall into the ‘other’ category.

Let’s say that the majority are right and it’s your desperation putting women off. The idea then would be to interact with them differently. To do that, you’d have to start developing a different skill set which would take care of the minority position who don’t believe anything is going to change because you’re not going to change your skill set. I can’t stress this enough – the motivation for other people’s advice is unknowable and doesn’t matter. I had someone who loved me once give me advice that I’ve found very valuable throughout my life even though it kind of hurt when she said it. It was this, “Angel, you are so good at the mistakes you make. Here’s an idea, try making a new mistake.”

What she was trying to do was to kick me out of my comfort zone because staying inside my comfort zone wasn’t getting me any closer to the results I wanted in my life. So, even if this ‘new thing’ I tried failed – I now knew two things that didn’t work which in some way, brings me closer to what will. I’m not going to quote this accurately but there’s a story about Edison being asked by a reporter, “You’ve had over two hundred failures at trying to find a filament that will work in your electric light bulb. How do you keep going?” His response was, “Failures? I’ve discovered and ruled out two hundred things that don’t work so I am that much closer to finding what will!”





Well, I was one of those people who suggested trying to focus on being happy single – though not to stay single, but as a path to a relationship.





Absolutely!





Yeah, I know it’s distasteful to you but it is an immutable fact of life that people do not find happiness by putting conditions on life. No one ever has. We must live life by life’s rules one way or the other. We can do it kicking and screaming or we can do it with some grace, but life is going to unfold the way life unfolds regardless. No one can tell you that you’ll find what you’re looking for. Just like no one can tell you that you won’t find what you are looking for. But! There are ways to make you getting what you want out of life more likely and in this case, it’s not by taking what you perceive to be the direct route. Here’s an analogy:

I have gone out into the woods many times, found a meadow and sat down in the middle of it, and waited for the deer to come. When they do, I don’t call to them, I don’t look at them, I don’t move – I just sit there. Deer are extremely skittish, like a lot of women. They are also curious, also like a lot of women. Dozens of times, perhaps even a hundred or more throughout my lifetime, I’ve been touched by a deer who came up to me and started sniffing and nudging me with their nose trying to figure out what the hell I am. A handful of times, I was able to reach out and touch them and twice a deer actually laid down next to me. (By the way, this can be dangerous as a deer’s hooves can seriously injure you if they get spooked)

I am suggesting that you treat the women you are interested in a little more like I treated the deer and wait for them to come to you. I would also suggest that you focus on their needs rather than your own. That cashier you talked about in the other thread? Instead of waiting for her to do something you weren’t willing to do – in this case, start a conversation with you, you start. How can you start a conversation with her AND take her needs or wants into consideration? Well first, humans don’t want to be treated like things – and being looked at as a prize to be won is dehumanizing.

Next, who doesn’t like to laugh? Or be complimented? Conversely, who likes pushy…or awkward? Start small and accept little wins. Little wins build up and become large just the same was that putting a $20 bill from your weekly paycheck adds up over time to a large amount. So, you’re waiting in line for the cashier and it’s finally your turn. She says, “Hi” but doesn’t continue. Okay, as she finishes up and says good-bye, turn to leave but then stop before she has time to engage the next person (or else you’ll be interrupting which isn’t helpful) and say something like, “You know, I’ve meant to tell you before but I really appreciate how friendly you are with everyone – it seems like most people don’t make time for that anymore. Thanks.” Then smile and leave. Do not linger (except to hear her say thanks if she does) because then it’ll get awkward for her.

She will remember you the next time you come in. Just make sure it’s not fifteen minutes later because that’s too soon! The next time in, if she sees you walk in, she’ll probably smile at you or wave. Return the gesture and then get on with what you’re in the store for. Don’t make any extra effort to nurse things along, they’re going perfectly right now and it is NOT the time to rush. What I’m suggesting you do is called ‘mirroring’. She smiles and waves, you react with a response that is socially equivalent. In this case, a smile and wave back is probably perfect. When you’re ready to check out, just go check out. When you get to the counter and she says, “Good to see you again” you reply by mirroring with a response that is socially equivalent like, ‘You too” or maybe, “You too; how was your weekend?” (assuming a weekend fell into between the last time you saw her and now)

By the way, I’d ask her that even if I knew that she works every weekend. My observing skills are very good and if she does work every weekend, I already have noted that. I also know though, that NT’s find my tendency to notice things about them that they don’t know are observable to be kind of creepy so I don’t let them know that I can. If she responds, “It was okay” then just let it go; she doesn’t want to talk about it. If however she says something like, “Oh I had to work all weekend” then I’d respond with, “Oh that sucks! I’m sorry” because I know that most people don’t want to work all weekend and so I am communicating that ‘I do not like you having to do unpleasant things’ which is something someone who likes you (at least a little bit) would think. So, I’m communicating to her that I have at least a little interest in her in the safest way possible. The ball is in her court now and you’ve had another successful exchange.

At this point, and I’m not being negative here – really, you probably want to get out of there as quickly as possible at this point. Your exchange was really quite good and as soon as you leave, you get to put another ‘win’ in your pocket. Stick around and perhaps a misstep will take the win away. She might say, ‘Oh it’s alright, I guess. I suppose I need the money.” To which I’d respond with something like, “Don’t we all, right?” Stupid little comments that are simply mirroring her. I’m taking the opportunity to agree with her without manufacturing those opportunities directly. In the beginning, I’d write these kinds of exchanges down and come up with the responses myself and ways to steer the conversation in a predictable way so the answers I prepared would work. Then I’d practice delivery in front of a mirror until I was satisfied that I could do it ‘normally’.



Thank you for reiterating that. I am sincerely glad to hear this.





Look up!

I like a confident woman - but a confident (biological) woman with integrity & honesty.

I dont think you're completely honest about yourself on the negative aspects. Point d) would be: I have taken revenge on people close to me for not showing interest and contacting me and played mind games with them and I will do it again if such a circumstance might arise; I find it hard to learn from my mistakes when anger, abandonment and suffering is involved and I find it hard to think about the other person when my emotions are too strong which pushes away my close ones.

Being with unhappy people is a challenge and nobody can make another person happy, it's your responsibility to make yourself happy, and finding your purpose in a relationship and losing sense of yourself is very unhealthy. It builds toxcity and codependence and ruins the attraction the other person finds towards you especially if their core and dedication is weak and they don't appreciate the hard times, which is most people.

It is true that falling in love is a boost of mood and you can use it to help you push your life towards a better path, but it's short lived and what remains is hard work and extreme frustration, tons of arguments that make you unable to function in life when the illusion of perfection falls and the puppy love is gone. Most people don't make it past this phase, and the aftermath can last for many unhealthy years, holding on to hope but unable to bring it back to a positive note and be positive (which i understand currently you're not), tolerant, calm, easily supportive which means you trust and receive love which allows you to give and heal and prevents additional issues, and patient. And finding someone to correctly support you through this is very very hard, because you cant keep it positive if the other feels like crap and doubts you all the time, it's just an illusion you're trying to make happen but the other can't join it easily, or sometimes no matter what you do, it ruins your own life even more than it already is being with such a downer and it doesnt help them. I've dated many such people.

It's best that you dont continuously rely in life on someone else for your success and joy. You will burden them and not develop and maintain, exercise, an ability for yourself which could help you so much daily and especially in need. Be very honest with whatever you like, and helps you heal, even if someone calls you lazy or uninteresting or unproductive. If you need it, and it helps you, there's no reason why not to do it. I'm not saying don't be open to other activities, but depending on the activity, you might still need it. Also not saying do it excessively that you can't do your necessary things either. Most people will not be with you forever, your directional input for your longterm joy is very likely wasted. Relationships take so many turns, and sometimes there's not much you can do short-term about it, if you allow it to dictate your mood in life, it might be the death of you.

Last edited by Rexi on 25 Dec 2021, 7:03 am, edited 2 times in total.