25 Nov 2009, 11:27 am
DW_a_mom wrote:
Do you know the penny jar joke? If a newly married couple puts a penny in a jar each time they engage in relations in the first year of marriage, and then pull out a penny each time after that, they will never empty the jar.
It is a very important part of a serious relationship, but not the only part. As two people get comfortable in a relationship, they rely on it less. That is perfectly normal.
OK, I think the penny jar would be emptied within a few years by most couples, but, heck, its a joke.
My concern about abstaining is mostly for very young women who have not finished growing up. I'm sorry, they aren't ready, they only think they are. I have seen the fall out over the years, the regrets some women face, and I can say with certainty that most of the time getting active early is a mistake. There are exceptions, but the generalization is, these girls get hurt, and they carry that damage for many years into new relationships that fail because of it. They believe in a false bill of goods, and its really difficult when they figure it out. And then there are those for whom the course of life will be changed forever. No college. No self-esteem building career. Children should not have children, and sex is for those willing to accept they might bear children. As a single women in my twenties I understood that risk, and had fully thought it out. The average teen hasn't got a clue. And, definitely, the burden falls far heavier on the female. The image, the associations - its all different for very young women. I hold nothing against them, not at this point in my life, but there are good reasons that society has crafted images to discourage it. Those girls get hurt. Let I said, I've seen too much of the fall out over the years. One will meet many, many women who will reach an age where they wish they had waited longer. I have never met a woman who wishes she had started earlier. The path of the least regrets is to wait until you are an adult mentally, emotionally, and financially.
A true romantic relationship involves a meeting of minds. That isn't likely to happen with someone driven mostly by hormones. What the average girl and what the average boy want from a relationship in the teen years is not the same thing, and they don't bring enough self-understanding to really have a connection of minds (I do know people who fell in love as teens and it was life time real - I love those stories, but they aren't the norm). Lust is a very powerful feeling, but it isn't love, as much as people like to mistake it for such. Love is richer, more secure, more earth bound, and less selfish. If a relationship leaves you feeling needy, it isn't love. Love leaves one feeling like, wow, things are finally OK. That connection transcends the physical. Its emotional.
It is a very important part of a serious relationship, but not the only part. As two people get comfortable in a relationship, they rely on it less. That is perfectly normal.
OK, I think the penny jar would be emptied within a few years by most couples, but, heck, its a joke.
My concern about abstaining is mostly for very young women who have not finished growing up. I'm sorry, they aren't ready, they only think they are. I have seen the fall out over the years, the regrets some women face, and I can say with certainty that most of the time getting active early is a mistake. There are exceptions, but the generalization is, these girls get hurt, and they carry that damage for many years into new relationships that fail because of it. They believe in a false bill of goods, and its really difficult when they figure it out. And then there are those for whom the course of life will be changed forever. No college. No self-esteem building career. Children should not have children, and sex is for those willing to accept they might bear children. As a single women in my twenties I understood that risk, and had fully thought it out. The average teen hasn't got a clue. And, definitely, the burden falls far heavier on the female. The image, the associations - its all different for very young women. I hold nothing against them, not at this point in my life, but there are good reasons that society has crafted images to discourage it. Those girls get hurt. Let I said, I've seen too much of the fall out over the years. One will meet many, many women who will reach an age where they wish they had waited longer. I have never met a woman who wishes she had started earlier. The path of the least regrets is to wait until you are an adult mentally, emotionally, and financially.
A true romantic relationship involves a meeting of minds. That isn't likely to happen with someone driven mostly by hormones. What the average girl and what the average boy want from a relationship in the teen years is not the same thing, and they don't bring enough self-understanding to really have a connection of minds (I do know people who fell in love as teens and it was life time real - I love those stories, but they aren't the norm). Lust is a very powerful feeling, but it isn't love, as much as people like to mistake it for such. Love is richer, more secure, more earth bound, and less selfish. If a relationship leaves you feeling needy, it isn't love. Love leaves one feeling like, wow, things are finally OK. That connection transcends the physical. Its emotional.
Excellent comments above -- I actually agree with a lot of what you say. Except the part about the penny jar -- I've been married for 11 years, and I would have been well into negative penny bushels by this point
So you can see why my POV is tilted in a certain direction. Totally with you on lust as well. Lust is short term, Love is long term. I married for love, but there was also a strong lust component. When you get both, you get the perfect fit.
25 Nov 2009, 1:04 pm
25 Nov 2009, 2:04 pm
Tom wrote:
Untill I was 26 I had alternating periods of being alone and having girlfriends who I didn't relate to, didnt click with, and always felt arkward and boring and nervous with. I never had sex with any of them as I never felt comfortable. I always thought that if i ever had sex it would be a one night stand or a casual relationship and either way I would have to put on an exhuasting fake persona and do all the horrible things that the PUA/macho dating books tell you to do like purposefully ignore them and turn your back to them, ignore what they say and give them sarcastic putdowns. I imagined doing that would keep a relationship up for as long as I could keep the mask up. I met my girlfriend who is a beautiful aspie lady this year. She is my only sexual partner and i am really glad that i lasted to find someone i love. I feel comfortable with her and always feel I can chat to her and be myself. I do believe there might be a supernatural/destiny aspect in it for a man who makes a real decision to not be horrible and to be himself and a good partner for someone. I think if you make a real decision to be a hapier, more social person, to make friends and spend time around the people you like and share interest with, and get yourself out to meetups on your interests, then you can make it happen.
PS - that crap you read? It's crap. Women are devastated when a man acts like that. So, so glad you didn't.
25 Nov 2009, 2:24 pm
Fiz
Veteran
Joined: 29 Jan 2006
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,821
Location: Manchester, United Kingdom
25 Nov 2009, 5:18 pm
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PaganMom
Sea Gull
Joined: 4 Nov 2009
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 218
Location: Middle Of Nowhere, BFE, The Deep South
26 Nov 2009, 11:30 am
Homer_Bob wrote:
I don't know why they do that. Girls like screwing with all of us. I hate when girls hit on me when they have a boyfriend. I hate it because that's false advertising.
I thought false advertising was when you stuff your bra
Actually though, about the flirting, I think some people just like to flirt. There are some people who just flirt with every adult of the opposite sex. It doesn't mean anything, it's meant as harmless. I've had men flirt with me, even now that I'm married and I'll play flirt back. I take it as a compliment. When somebody flirts with you even though she has a bf it means that she thinks your cute or interesting or something and it's a compliment.
PaganMom
26 Nov 2009, 5:02 pm
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