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techstepgenr8tion
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19 Jan 2010, 8:48 pm

Aimless wrote:

I fear romantic relationships. I'm not sure why, probably because I'm afraid of losing myself. I fear confrontations so much I fear how I would deal with it if I wanted to break things off. Is this what you're dealing with? It took a long time for me to figure out why I was always setting myself up for failure, because a part of me didn't want to succeed. On the other hand, maybe focusing on the relationship problem is a way of avoiding the job hunt problem. Both involve risk and I can totally relate to the fear if that's what you're experiencing. When I graduated from college i realized I had no hard skills and went into a severe depression. You have hard skills. Maybe a career coach would help you rehearse interview skills.

I used to have the fear of losing myself going quite strongly, so I can identify with that one. I think anymore I fear more than anything letting somoene into my private life - past the barrier of mandated 'polite' behaviour or where I have all the shielding, who either can't see me or refuses to. Its part of why I'm so picky - I look a certain way, I'm a certain person in all actuality, and if people can't tell the difference it usually spins out in an unfavorable direction. Even though I can regulate my own affairs and there's no woman I've met who could existentially stick me to an abusive or unhealthy relationship - I really don't want the turmoil and it seems like I've developed quite a radar in terms of reading temperaments as well as people's neurological disposition.

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Aimless
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19 Jan 2010, 9:10 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:

Aimless wrote:

Thank you for responding. I was feeling weird that nobody had. It's not an easy thing to know or say about yourself. But in regards to what Tim was reluctant to say, I was dead wrong.

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aislinn1
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19 Jan 2010, 9:23 pm

therange wrote:

Tim, being nice and coddling you doesn't work, being brutally honest and borderline insulting doesn't work. I will try one last time to explain what I've tried to get across as well as others.

You have these preconceived notions and generalizations in your head "Because I'm this, people won't like me." No one is thinking the things you worry about. You don't even seem to know who "Tim" really is. You base it on things you've seen in cartoons or limited experience in relationships.

Before you even worry about getting a girlfriend, I'd suggest some counseling if you aren't talking to someone already, get your brain sorted out, your pretzel logic straightened out, and work with a clearer mind.

Insecure people that lack an identity are a turn off to most women, aspie or NT. Also, I understand the Simpsons and South Park are your special interests, but a woman does not have to like them to like you. What you should be looking for, after you do some soul searching and get the help you need, is a woman that doesn't get in the way of your special interests or doesn't mind watching an episode on occasion.

A woman liking South Park or the Simpsons has no bearing on her sexual appetite or religious beliefs. Where you get these ideas, I have no idea, and you need some psycho-analysis to figure out why your brain works the way it does.

There is no simple formula that will allow you to get a girlfriend. You just have to be a confident, likeable guy that displays a bit of a normalcy, and I don't mean NT kind of normalcy, I just mean a guy that makes sense to other people.

whew..yeah...anybodys getting somebody these days..im sure tim has the ability too. I saw the most disgusting and unlikely couples at the amusement park. no further comments.

aislinn1
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19 Jan 2010, 9:26 pm

hale_bopp wrote:

Tim_Tex wrote:

I have seen other people talk about stuff similar to what I talk about, and they don't get trashed. I am being singled out.

Anyone who lists ridiculous criteria gets flamed from my experience.

Here is whats getting you flamed:

1) Making constant threads about not having a GF and sticking to ridiculous criteria and not listening to anyone who is trying to help
2) Making silly assumptions about south park and the simpsons and how it relates to what women are like in the bedroom
3) Continuing to look for silly traits in women that don't even matter because you want to be accepted when really you should be looking for any nice compatible woman who likes those traits in YOU who you fnd attractive.

Yeah, the owl guy (im calling you that because of your icon and I forget your username unless its hale bopp? thats what it says in the code...im not sure>.<. maybe im overthinking lol.) is right. I dont think everyone is targetting you though, but I guess the range did say some unnecessary things, about how he wouldnt hang with you if he were paid too. maybe that couldve been followed with a less harsh explanation to match? and some helpful advice? thats just somethings i think wouldve made it look less insulting.

techstepgenr8tion
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19 Jan 2010, 9:53 pm

Aimless wrote:

Thank you for responding. I was feeling weird that nobody had. It's not an easy thing to know or say about yourself.

It's a grating reality for sure but, at the same time even with my NT friends I can see many times where they're flirting with someone, trying to make something happen - I want to tell them how many red flags I'm seeing from her when they're too wrapped up in getting somewhere to want to realize it. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, many people are self-aware and trying to overcome their less helpful impulses, but when things do go south and my friends start telling me about it I can usually say that I saw it within that first five or ten second window.

Aimless wrote:

But in regards to what Tim was reluctant to say, I was dead wrong.

I'd be curious to know whether this is all he has to think on the topic or if it simply stage I type thinking taking dominance based on his current circumstances.

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hale_bopp
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20 Jan 2010, 1:28 am

I think, apart from the obvious problems, this is your main one:

You're thinking too much.

Why even discuss it? When you meet someone you like, just enjoy spnding time with her and let things unfold from there.

makuranososhi
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20 Jan 2010, 1:48 am

Tim_Tex wrote:

Another reason I felt like it should be out in the open:

I have heard about people being sexually incompatible, and the woman had the idea that despite this, if the guy decides to leave because of it, rather than "put up or shut up", he was just wanting sex.

And one person feel like there has to be a (completely arbitrary) time period that guy must wait before having sex. If he leaves because he simply cannot wait that long, then he was just wanting sex.

I feel like it's better to discuss it now rather than deal with the above-mentioned stuff later.

As succinctly as I can put it... Tim, when will you be actually be interested in living your own life ahead of you instead of living out the scenarios of the past and attempting to act out the failings of others?

M.

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sgrannel
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20 Jan 2010, 3:41 am

Getting rid of the list is a good start. Not because lists are bad or because we shouldn't have at least some boundaries and guidelines for what we think we want. At least with lists we can say something which is better than saying absolutely nothing when someone asks "what are you looking for?" It's just that some of the items on your list may have been inconsistent. Defining compatibility as with a person who does not exist is a sure recipe for failure.

Why would any woman make you stop watching some of the television programs you like? Isn't that considered abusive? Many women are sensitive and get nauseated easily at some of the high doses of outrageous and funny things I watch and listen to, but does that mean I should stop exploring to get someone's approval? I don't think such an arrangement would last because the very idea of having to limit my thoughts and exposure is inconsistent with who I am. That and there's this mild oppositional defiant thing I've realized I've had to some extent all along that says I will listen to some kinds of music and retain possession of certain ideas just because they offend a lot of people.

http://www.nobeliefs.com/communion/communion.htm

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Last edited by sgrannel on 20 Jan 2010, 3:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

ruennsheng
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20 Jan 2010, 3:43 am

Yup. Being open and friendly to all --- your friendliness melts away the ice of doubts in women...

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Keeno
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20 Jan 2010, 9:11 am

I guess it's perfectly OK to think of your preferences as being preferences. Nothing wrong with that. But just that, preferences, not absolutes that are black and white and exclusionary. Whether the preference is for a Christian, an Aspie, someone who likes Simpsons and/or South Park, someone who's liberal (or is it conservative?). It's a good point that was made earlier on, I think it was by therange, that 20% of interests (i.e. preferences) is compatible enough as long as you get on otherwise.

ruennsheng
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20 Jan 2010, 9:41 am

And I have to add a comment made by my sister, who is married,

'Love is never perfect, so I know it and try to accept as many imperfections as possible --- in fact I love his imperfections! This makes him a true man.'

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Tim_Tex
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20 Jan 2010, 10:31 am

Keeno wrote:

If being an Aspie was the #1 most important thing in a partner, my chances would still be next to nil because of the numbers.

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Tim_Tex
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20 Jan 2010, 8:26 pm

I do want a relationship, but if the partner is limiting sex to vaginal penetration within marriage, then the relationship cannot continue.

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Metal_Man
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20 Jan 2010, 8:31 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:

I do want a relationship, but if the partner is limiting sex to vaginal penetration within marriage, then the relationship cannot continue.

Then dump her and find someone else. It's not as difficult to do as you think it is if you would get a clue and listen to all of the advice you have been given.

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Tias
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20 Jan 2010, 9:00 pm

Why do you even make these lists?

The best way is not to make those, to fall for someone naturaly, no?

Wanting the ones you look for to have certain things will simply limit you even more.
So just let it come naturaly.

hale_bopp
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20 Jan 2010, 9:44 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:

I do want a relationship, but if the partner is limiting sex to vaginal penetration within marriage, then the relationship cannot continue.

Can't you worry about that after it becomes a problem?

Its stupid even thinking about it. Going upto girls with tick boxes.. "Do you limit sex to vaginal penetration within marrige.. well n that case no I won't go out with you"..

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