Would you dump someone who got fat?

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Yeah, but external changes are often signs of internal changes. And, even when they're not, they often bring about internal changes.

And I don't think taking physical attraction into account is shallow. It's when physical attraction is everything that it becomes shallow.

If you dump someone just because they gained weight, then for you it is all about physical attraction. A relationship is more.

There could be a touch of that but I don't think "You did it to yourself" is in any way a fair or accurate representation of how it works either. People do things to each other from ages where they're too young to have thoughts of the kind of sophistocation that it takes to swing their environments under control. School's a whole other problem as its socially a bit like prison-lite in a lot of places. Add these things together, have a society that's filled with mixed messages beating you from every side and for even being two opposite things at the same time, and create it to *want* to back away from you as it classifies and judges you and you pretty much have a situation that's difficult if not impossible for almost anyone to dig their way out of.

As people become adults that active judgement becomes more passive generally but ends up manifesting itself more as a hair-trigger radar, typecasting other people, and scurrying away when perceived 'undesirables' are around. Its not just something that happens to aspies - it happens to NT's by NT, by aspies as well, all day long.

Essentially as an adult - how you were treated as a kid, what and who you were allowed to be, even if you put a fight up for your own identity and met violent opposition, all of these things are housed in your demeanor, in your mannerisms, in ways that people seem to recognized almost preconsciously - to the point where they either like or dislike a person and really may often have no clue why; they just do. Climbing out of that would just about take going back in time and throwing a wrench in the causal gears of your past to avoid or 'fix' what people did to you one way, all the while crossing your fingers and hoping something better came of the later option (Ashton Kutcher in 'Butterfly Effect' rings a bell here).

With most well-functioning people (ie. people without much self-improvement room left to be exercised) I really think that their crosscurrents in life are generally first and foremost what's been done to them by other people, then a combination of both their defense mechanisms and then simply their lack of data or even wiring that is built to conceive a 'them' in a different paradigm let alone be there functionally - to other people's standards of social whole-hat perfection.

It's possible for someone to gain weight, a partner to bring it up with the other partner that gained weight, that partner not caring and continuing to do it and then that partner dumping them.

It's more complex an issue than "oh they dumped me for my weight therefore they are shallow". Sure, if they outright dumped you the moment you got bigger and they didn't even make the effort to raise it with you for whatever reason there is a real communication barrier with that person and they are indeed shallow.

What if it got to an extreme and uncapable scenario that they were beating themself up about it and they made you go into a terrible state of mind from their depression being passed onto you... would you stay in an unhealthy relationship is what I'm asking if it did get that bad?

I think there is a bit pf a difference between breaking up with someone because there wasn't sexual attraction anymore, and breaking up with someone because they aren't arm candy anymore.
If your partner's thinness is a status marker for you, that's pretty shallow.
I don't know how common this is, but I know it's been represented in pop culture and I've experienced it; there are guys who really like sleeping with big girls, but would be embarrassed if their buddies found out they were dating a "fat chick"

For me the lack of attraction can cause me to break up, but more importantly someone that becomes fat is likely to have done so because of a psychological change. Which would probably make me want to break up with them before they got fat

There are people in both gender groups that grow insecure when in a relationship, and gain weight. Then out of bitterness not through personal wanting to better themselves, rush to lose the weight and get another partner before their ex, and repeat the cycle all over again. Anyone able to comment on this behaviour, or would it warrant another topic?

that is called "Hogging" according to Tucker Max.


Most of the girls I like wouldn't be considered 'Arm candy' anyway. I just like what I like and have my limits as to what I'd tolerate before they cease being attractive to me. Being Gwenneth Paltrow is not a requirement, not being Rosanne Barr is a requirement.

No, it is actually a natural part of aging. You've got to work a whole lot harder at thin at 40 than 20, and so on.

It can also be a side effect of hormonal changes following pregnancy, certain medications, and more.

You know, folks, if you don't like fat, then you don't like fat, but stop pretending it means anything more than that, because it odes not. The rest is all excuses.

No offence, but you just don't know me well enough to make that call.

I'm not looking at just one side of this. Yes, I've lost attraction for partners before. But I've also had partners lose their attraction for me. I've had them try to pretend it didn't happen, stick around anyway. And finding out that, even if they still care, my attraction wasn't reciprocated, was so humiliating as to make me feel physically ill. I'd prefer they just left me, rather than pretend.

If you're not attracted to your partner, you're doing no one any favors by sticking around. You deserve someone you are attracted to, and they deserve someone who is attracted to them.

Last edited by mds_02 on 12 May 2012, 3:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Could not give less of a sh** what Tucker Max calls anything, it would actually explain a lot if you were a fan.

What people find personally attractive is their business. I wish there wasn't all this cultural pressure telling people it's bad to like some things and good to like other things.

I can't say I've seen that at work. Insecurity tends to lead to excessive dieting and exercise, which although it actually long run can lead to be weight gain, isn't going to do that first.

I agree. I haven't changed a lot in the past 10-15 years but as I get older my weight has been creeping up on me. I'm about 50-60 pounds heavier than I was 15 years ago.

I often wonder the same thing reading this board.

I like it on some and not on some, DW.
If anything it sounds like you are defending yourself rather than the issue. Of course weight gain happens more and is harder to shake off during the ageing process or for other reasons. And of course there are people that like fat or don't like that. There is also a difference between love and physical attraction and for some the two do join in some respects. Naturally gaining weight, circumstantial gain are different from negligence and contempt. I don't think it's really as black and white as you make it.