Afraid of being alone forever?

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I am not seeing a lot of Aspie women complaining about their bf/husbands here.

What I see way more, is NT women complaining about their AS-suspected bf/husbands here.

I see a lot of both.

Hi all,

I have a same problem here too. Sometimes I feel afraid of being lonely for rest of my life. I am only 24. My social life has been improving in past three months because I moved to the city and to a large university. Everything is happening and being active made me to change my approach to life.

So, yes I still feel this because many women I met including new friends seems still having trouble understanding me. On other thread regarding to sexual harassment. I still belong in that false dichotomy category. It not about my looks. It more of my friendly and outgoing nature that makes women think I am attempting to sexual harassment. I believe many aspies in here have a same problem. This vibe of NT women seeing us is seem socially ruined by society and technology influences. For instance, television sexual shows, male childcare workers classified as child molesters and that etc.

The problem is not us. Its them! Many NT people have this problem because of their close mindness of things. Being alone for rest of your life is not going to happen. There is going to be someone coming on your door and say "You will be my sweetheart for the rest of my life". I can see this is going to happen, because he/she is not going to waste their lives being a stubborn NT like many others!

Same here.

Well then, maybe you should give this a read:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Folie_%C3%A0_deux

So who is delusional then?

As a female aspie, I very, very strongly beg to differ. Social ineptitude is a pretty powerful repellent.

I just have a few comments to make.

goofygoober, you're 19, you are currently at an age where it's rather easy to meet new people. it will only get harder after college because routines will set in and you will need to actively go out of your way to create opportunities to meet new people. This sounds hard, but rather than finding a mate, you want to be using this time to meet friends instead. People that don't just part ways with you when you find out you aren't compatible to spend a lifetime with each other.

In theory, the more people you expose yourself to, the more likely you'll be to find ones you click with. In practice things work best when they occur organically. At the core, what has worked for me is developing some degree of curiosity for the people I'm trying to befriend, not to the extent of figuring out their private life, but their hobbies, likes and dislikes and opinions on things are good conversation grounds.
If you really aren't curious, you have the option of pretending you are and taking things in small steps. It'll be practice for when you actually find people you're curious about.
Another thing that really helps is sharing activities: sports, videogames, classes, etc. These serve as ways to bridge the gaps between two people, and if compatibility allows a friendship may form. If you need to force yourself to an unnatural degree (way beyond merely stepping out of your comfort zone), just stop.

Now concerning this thread:
Honestly does it really matter if you ARE actually alone forever? The knee-jerk response is a resounding YES but give it a bit more contemplation.
You're not going to spontaneously explode for being alone by the time you're in your death bed. You won't have a numeric value assigned to you that's below that of those that have someone, the world will continue to turn whether you're tied or not. You will continue to exist, and your clock will continue ticking down. The meaning of your life isn't tied to whether or not you have someone.

Is your life worth any less if you were alone the entire time but managed to live an awesome life? I don't think being alone automatically makes this impossible. It's a question of learning to derive solitude from being alone, and finding things to derive meaning out of. Other people are notoriously bad for this.

If that's not convincing enough, then there's other stuff to point out.
1) If you need a significant other to ward off loneliness, you're setting up a relationship based on necessity rather than meaning. It never, ever works as intended.
2) You will suffer much more by being attached to people that make you feel lonely, than you would if you were alone.
3) If others indirectly or directly drive you to want a relationship, you're set up for failure. Others may have their opinions, but ultimately the only person that deals with the consequences of your choice of partner is you. If the relationship doesn't add anything to your life, it's dead time you could be using for things you truly love.
4) Ultimately a relationship won't just be about what the other person brings you, but also what you can offer to them. Co-dependency is probably one of the worst things to offer.

Maybe in terms of gaining status amongst your female circle of friends (which is what you and most women are truly interested in) it's an handicap, but in terms of getting into a relationship with men? No, it really isn't.

Yes it is. Perhaps it is to difficult for you understand but yes it is. You don't get to determine what me and other female aspies experience with NT men in our lives, the social difficulties we experience. Men aren't dumb. Get over yourself and your one-sided way of thinking. It's like a white person telling a black person that they really don't face as much discrimination as they do. Pawease.

Actually, you're right, I have no idea how Aspergers affects women in dating because I've never seen any way in which it does. Oh, I've seen plenty of women like you who THINK that their dating woes are because of their Aspergers, but when/if they actually start getting into details, you see that it has nothing to do with it.

The dating problems that plague both NT and Aspie women are these: you have ridiculously high standards, mostly due to your gross overestimating of yourselves and your own personal value, and complete, and often times willful, ignorance of the differences between the sexes. You just think that hairier versions of yourselves, and then became upset when that doesn't turn out to the case.

Look, just because you can't get Chad McAlphamale to settle down with you doesn't mean you're an Aspie. It just means your value as a romantic partner wasn't as high as you thought.

My advice: date within your own level. I know you're not gonna do it, because women seem to preffer to die alone rather than to settle with a guy who is as plain and average as they are, but there you go.

Last edited by Gauldoth on 12 Apr 2015, 12:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This is very true. And not just for Aspie women, but for Aspie men as well. Because man or woman, Aspie or NT, gay or straight, at the end of the day what matters in life is not what you want but what you can GET. If you refuse to settle for anything less than an ideal partner who meets a laundry list of criteria, then you're gonna end up alone.

Can't believe we're actually agreeing something. I would like to add this though: if you're a man, lowering your standards won't really help you, for the reasons I mentioned above; every girl today, no matter how average, or even below average, she is, thinks she deserves Christian Grey or Edward Cullen, and they will settle for nothing less.

To put things in perspective, it's as if both the Hilton and the fleabag motel in the middle of nowhere both charged 10,000 dollars per night. Sure, both are equally unaffordable, but you might as well try your luck at the Hilton.

One thing I want to get across to you is that when it comes to dating, relationships, and significant others, something is NOT better than nothing! If you decide to settle for someone you're really not that into just so you can have A partner then you're basically using them. After a while, your partner is going to pick up on this and it's gonna make them unhappy.......And sooner or later they will dump you.

This is my point: Being with someone who makes you unhappy is actually WORSE than being alone. I learned this the hard way last year. If you partner simply cannot or will not offer you what you want, or makes unreasonable demands on you and refuses to compromise, then they are the wrong person for you. Get the balance right. Don't settle, but don't have unrealistic expectations and impossible standards. There is no simple set of rules for how to achieve satisfaction when it comes to sex & romance; you basically have to wing it.

Settling for what you can get is certainly the rational thing to, but expecting people to behave rationally about this kind of thing is about as useful as throwing bricks in the ocean. Human beings are not always rational and they never will be; not even Aspies.


And lastly: If you're a man, the best way to approach this is to think of yourself as trying to sell something. The best strategy for actually getting some is to market yourself to people who actually want to buy what you're offering for sale. You make it sound impossible and unrealistic, but it isn't. It's just reeeeeeeeeally hard.

Cafeaulait, I have been years here on the forum, and I can assure you, most female members, even those who whined a lot of being lonely, did find someone - especially the young ones 18-25s.

You yourself got a two boyfriends, including the current one, while your equivalent complaining males like Sly and Brian and many others are still single during the same period of life.

Let me put it in perspective: You: 2, them:0, same period. got it?

There are so many examples, but I won't name more than that.


If only I can find this long article written a female aspie arranging aspie meetups, It was ages ago when I first joined WP, the whole article was about how she noticed all the males in the meetups were single while the females were not.

That's all good news for the OP btw.

Exactly, the thing these women are complaining about isn't that they can't get into any relationships, or even good relationships, it's that they can't get into their ideal relationship with Chad McAlphamale.

I understand how that may be frustrating, kinda like a starving African kid might understand how it's frustrating for a well-fed, well-nurtured Western kid not to get his favorite food for dinner, but it's got nothing to do with them being Aspies, if they even ARE Aspies.

Their real problems are the same ones I mentioned before: stupidly high expectations due to a gross overestimation of themselves and their own value as romantic partners, and complete, and often times, wilful, ignorance of the differences between the sexes. These problems are rampant amongst women today, both NT and Aspergers.

If you think this mentality isn't rampant among men, and even some Aspie men...........think again. People want what they want, and you need to stop expecting them to settle. They don't *have* to settle for someone who they're really just not into.

And so it is harder for straight Aspie men to find dates, so what are we as Aspies to do about it? Because trying to guilt trip women into dating us is definitely NOT the solution. I suppose if you just want a one night stand you can try a hookup site or use Craigslist/Backpage to find a hooker. But if you want more than that, you're on your own.