Loneliness

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((hugs to you too)) Glad you had a nice day. I had a huge burden lifted from my mind...although it may not seem so. Hubby was diagnosed with Lyme's disease. Not that Lyme's is a good thing, but good to know why he has been so sick. Now we can get meds and figure out where to go from here.

And my funny little HFA son...this evening when hubby said, "come sit on my lap," my son told him (complete with a mean glare),

"Daddy, you know I'm just doing this because you are making me do it! You might shoot limes at me!! You know, you do have Lyme's disease."

We laughed so hard. He has such a literal mind.

I can't believe the difference between my crying meltdown all day yesterday afternoon and the relief i feel tonight, to know what is wrong. I would rather have the bad news than the unknown. I felt this morning (before we got the phone call with test results) that i just could not deal with life and this uncertainty. But now i know, and i know i can. The horrible pain in my mind is not something i could explain to someone who does not understand. I think that is the lonely part--that we have this awful pain at times that no one can touch unless they have been there--and often we are not surrounded by those that do.

My Philosophy teacher has Lyme's Disease. Sometimes he doesn't show up at school because he isn't feeling well, but most of the time he makes it there. What does HFA stand for?
I know how you feel about that loneliness and pain, because I've felt it too. Does it sometimes seem to you like you are in a dark pit and can't quite figure out how to get out? It's like that for me sometimes.

High-functioning autism.

I don't feel lonely at the moment, despite the awareness that I could feel lonely.
I don't need anyone right now.
Although I wouldn't send anybody off either.

I'm a paradox. When I'm with people, I want to be alone, but when I'm alone, I want to be with someone. My paradoxical nature has at least taught me that having a small group of friends is good enough for me.

Same here. That's the case when I'm with people who are not compatible with me or when I'm not ready to interact with anyone.
But not always! Under certain circumstances I can really enjoy other people's company.

Yeah, when I'm with my Aspie friend or other close friend, I really enjoy being with them. That gives me hope that whenever I find someone who will love me and understand me, I will enjoy their company and be happy with that person.

How do you find friends that don't use you or pity you?

And how do you work out what they are feeling about you? if they like you or not for example

I don't really know. I seem to be magnetic and attract nice people to me. I honestly don't know how to answer your questions. I'm sorry.

Yeah, i can identify with the dark pit feeling. I had it very badly a few yrs ago when i had a breakdown. Months of that feeling, actually. I specifically remember when i had my first happy feeling, months later as i was recovering. I could not believe that it was still possible to feel happy. Now the dark pit feeling is less deep but it is like it is lurking around a corner waiting for me.

I also can identify with you and Earthling on wanting to be alone when i am with ppl. But yet i get lonely. Weird. Sometimes i think "no wonder i feel i am not friendship material." I think it is because ppl take so much out of me, even when i am enjoying myself. I get very tired and edgy quickly in a lot of social settings unless it is one or 2 ppl.

I think finding the good ppl is waiting for them to come along. There are no hard and fast rules to it that i have come up with. (And i am the queen of categorizing stuff. ) Sometimes it is a long dry spell, but then there are gems that come along.

For me, I enjoy other's prescense, but still feel lonely, even if I'm not alone.

I don't feel 'edgy' or 'agitated', just frustrated I have no one or barely anyone to talk to, even I dp have a group o great friends to hang out with.

That 'dark pit' feeling? I use to feel that, but I've overcome it in recent years and no longer feel it.

But really, life doesn't instantly always get better or even happier as soon as you get out of the dark pit. Think of it this way - self-improvement certainly gives you more reasons to be happy, but you'll never truly be happy unless you can find reasons.

Please teach me the sacred ways, oh, guardian of the light. May the blessings of the French chocolate fountain be bestowed upon me.

Hiroism, it sounds so samurai, where do I sign up?

Im lonely, I am very lonely, I have nobody to hug or hug me back and it sucks bad.

Kuraudo777, would you say Hiroism is more of a philosophy than a 'spiritism'?

It sounds to me like Hiroism is a philosophical mindset/way to live, while Etainism is more of a spiritual/religious belief system.

And, it's an interesting idea tbh. What are some traits/aspects of Hiroism then? Hiroism might relate to my own subjective morality and code of honor. Maybe.

I have my own subjective beliefs/morals/thoughts, but objectively I am an existentialist and don't believe in morals (as in, subjectively, personally, I believe in right and wrong, but objectively I believe there is no right or wrong, just different beliefs).

Um, you don't have to sign up or anything. You can just think about it and see if you agree or not.
The word hiro is obviously from the English word hero, but hiro in Japanese means hero as well as 'flight' or 'flying'. Hiroism is basically an obligatory moral system based on how I see the world and my own sense of what is good [that is, kindness and love and compassion/empathy are undeniably good things that humans should strive towards].
Etainism is more about things that I believe in [magic, other worlds, faeries, dragons, mythological creatures and divine aspects, that life is an ending and death is a beginning or possibly one and the same, that Yin and Yang are not good and evil but fundamental principles of the universe and that good and evil is simply too black and white; that there are positive and negative sides to everything]. As you can see, it covers loads and loads of my beliefs!
Hiro and Etain are actually two of the main characters in my book.
By the way, you can just call me 'Kura' is you want, since some of my friends here gave me that nickname.

Ah, so more along the lines of general kindness, love/compassion, empathy, altruism, etc. Well then that does relate to my subjective morals, then. I believe in all these things along with having an extremely strong sense of tolerance, to the point that I can even tolerate intolerance. Usually people who say hateful things or negative things, I tolerate their behavior as well even if it's awful. I just mind my own business and life and have a very 'leave things be' attitude in life. For example if someone were to express racism, I won't take the responsibility of being the one who 'corrects' their attitude as I believe there is no good/evil, right/wrong and instead I just ignore negative behavior I do not like or refuse to associate myself with these types of people. I also have an strict 'code of honor' and do my best to be 'noble' and 'fair' to others treat others the way I want to be treated, equality, etc.

And that's very interesting that you've actually given a name to identify your own individual philosophical/spiritual beliefs and lifestyle choices.

I just go by ones that already exist e.g. Existentialism.

Yeah I just don't believe in good/evil and more it's all about perception. Most people in this world will try to make themselves out to be either the 'good guys' or a 'victim' while those that conflict with their life/choices are the 'villains' or 'oppressors'. We all just see each other as the protagonists of our own story and antagonise those who conflict with us.

A basic, petty example is in high school if two groups are gossiping about one another, one will hypocritically criticize and disagree with the other groups gossiping, and both groups will consider the other to be at fault. I observe this at my own school. I have no interest in the actual gossip itself, however the concept of gossip amuses me. It's funny to watch one group of friends gossip about another group and hypocritically disagree with the actions of the other, and the main reason I am using this example is that it happened just today.

I often try not to be affected by people's bad moods or nastiness, but it's often hard since I can't stand conflict or discord. I try to smile a lot, because then maybe people will smile back and feel better.