How do you guys do the "no contact" thing?

Post Reply New Topic

But you see, after I was done ghosting her, I told her that I didn't see that message of hers to which I didn't reply. In particular, what I told her was that I probably checked that message in a hurry, so I didn't have time to reply then and there. After I checked it, it said "read", and I don't check messages that are "read", I only check new ones. Thats why I never got back to her.

Now, if she didn't send the reply that she did, you could have said she didn't believe my explanation. But you see, in that reply that she sent me, she said "its okay that you didn't see my message" -- so apparently she believed it. Then she named three reasons (my insecurities, religion, and location) as to why she doesn't think it would work out. But she knew of those three reasons *before* I ever ghosted her. So how come she didn't move on back then yet she moved on now?

So here is a contradiction:

1. Her statement that its okay that I didn't see her message indicates that my ghosting her is no longer part of the equation

2. The fact that due to those other reasons (insecurities, religion and location) she didn't end it before yet she ended it now, indicates that ghosting "was" part of an equation.

So which way is it? Was it part of an equation or was not?

I guess one answer is this: back at the time when she "thought" it was part of an equation, she moved on. Now she no longer thinks it is; yet she "moved on" and so she can't do anything about it. But if this is the case, then this brings me to the question: what happens to the brain when a person "moves on" that makes it so irreversible?

I don't think there is any specific brain change, the person just decides they aren't interested in a relationship with that person. All those things she mentioned together make it not worth it for her to get into a relationship with you, at least she was honest about it and gave some closure instead of just ceasing talking to you with no explanation.

I mean you were not in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with her...you and her talked online with the possibility it could become a relationship, based on those interactions she simply decided you're not a good match for her.

If, as you said, it was "based on interactions", then why didn't she "move on" before I did the no-contact thing? Why did she only moved on after that?

Maybe because it gave her some time to think which allowed her to realize that you guys aren’t compatible. Maybe someone who’s more her speed came along.

At this point, it doesn’t matter. Move on.

So... how do you KNOW she hadn't already moved on before the no contact thing?

People say "it's okay" because they're being polite and want to avoid confrontation. She probably just said it was okay you did not see her message because she was being polite - not because she really meant it.

People "move on" because when they're faced with a steady stream of negatives, and you keep adding more and more negatives and eventually the negatives outweigh the positives, that's when people decide it's not worth the trouble.

It's very likely she had already moved on even before you did the no contact thing. But that was the proverbial final nail in the coffin.

Well, from what she told me *before* the no-contact, there was a guy who was also an Adventist who expressed interest in her. Back then I actually asked her whether she made a decision in his favor and she said she hasn't made a decision one way or the other yet. Then, *after* the no-contact, she mentioned that guy again -- and this time she told me that she is not interested in him because he is much older than her, and also her friends were telling her that he is a bad person (particularly he picks up girls a lot, etc) So from this I read between the lines that nobody else is in the picture except for him -- and now he is no longer in the picture either.

I guess its "possible" she didn't say everything. I mean, she didn't bring him up right away. At first she told me that the reason she didn't write me is that I didn't respond to her messages. Then I kept asking her why didn't she try harder to get my attention. Then she said that she didn't have a lot of energy due to some "personal issues" she been dealing with. Then I asked her what those "personal issues" were. And then, reluctantly, she told me about that guy.

So I guess you could argue that if she wasn't willing to tell me about that guy right away, maybe there is someone else whom she isn't telling me about. But still, since she finally "did" tell me about that guy, it would only be logical for her to mention others. Yet she doesn't. Thats why it feels like she is still single and available.

Good point!

It’s really hard for most people to come right out and say that they aren’t interested in dating. Sometimes they hope that things will just fade away and a guy will take the hint, so they don’t have to.

Anyway, none of this stuff changes the end result.

Well, for one thing, she sent me those three messages two days apart when I ignored the first two and replied only after the third one (and then after the third one I started no-contact thing -- and the message I didn't reply to was sent 9 days after that third one). But I guess its possible she did that only to make me happy -- while in fact she moved on -- which is what I suspected (and that was part of what motivated me to go into no contact on the first place).

But the other thing is that, after the no-contact, when I asked her why did she stopped talking to me, she kept saying that she thought it was me who stopped talking to her. Which again seemed to indicate she didn't move on quite yet. Although, once again, its possible she might have been saying it just to make me feel better.

One speculation that I have is this. Maybe she moved on "before" the no-contact thing, but she figured that if she pretends to talk to me I wouldn't be pestering her as to why she doesn't (after all, I asked her why didn't she reply to one of my messages *before* she sent me those three messages in a row) and thats why she "pretended" to be interested, at least for a time -- just to get me off her back. But then, after I did the no-contact thing, and confronted her "again" as to why she doesn't talk to me, then she probably thought "okay since he is going to confront me about not talking anyway, I might as well be honest and stop pretending".

I guess if it is the way that I just described then it makes a lot more sense. But I guess I can't know for sure its this way since I can't read her mind. Thats why I keep asking about it.



I realize this is probably the case. But the reason its frustrating is that I want to change and bring some more positives as well as remove some negatives. I mean for them its easy: they can simply remove themselves from the situation. But what about me: I don't want my life to be dominated by negatives. And then I am faced with a question: "since I intend to make all those changes, why aren't people believing me? Do they think I can't do it? And if they all think I can't, what would give 'me' any motivation to try?" Those kinds of thoughts is what keeps me running in circles.

People have already said this: you can't change what already happened. You can only learn from it. So you stop doing the things that didn't work in the past. When you meet someone new, you start from a clean slate. Be polite. Don't act weird. Pay attention to them. Ask questions about them. Don't throw tantrums. Don't talk about your exes. Etc.

You can't fix what ever went wrong with these particular people so stop trying to fix those specific relationships. Move FORWARD.

Okay, the other thing that seem to point to her moving on "after" no-contact rather than before, is the following quote from the closure letter that I shown you earlier:



So the time sequence in that quote seem to indicate that she only moved on "after a while" -- and that "while" supposedly started during that no-contact phase.

You're taking her words literally. You can't do that. People don't necessarily say exactly what they mean. And they also don't think or behave in a very clear sequence of events. Like I would take those statements above to mean that she was holding both those thoughts in her mind at the same time, sort of like a balance scale, where the first was the heavier thought and then gradually the second thought became heavier and more important.

But that's what lots of people were trying to do through 20th century and they inevitably failed - while the ones who gave up intuition and kept strictly to equations and experiments, succeeded
Am I starting to understand why your papers get rejected...?

It's hard to match things to your intuition as no one except you is familiar with your intuition.


That's the whole issue with neurodiversity - we do experience the world differently. Differently from the majority but also differently among ourselves.

Wouldn’t you say that Einstein relied upon his “intuition” when he continued to pursue his relativity theories despite universal scorn?

The problem with QFT.....is that he decided to be NT, and play the stupid games of adolescence.

And the lady saw through his game, and decided the relationship wasn’t worth pursuing.

You’re not a bad guy, QFT.

Romance isn’t physics, though. And never will be physics. You can’t analyze brainwaves and deduce a person’s romantic soul.

But there probably is nothing wrong with pursuing your intuition in physics......as long as you back it up with proof—like Einstein did.

Einstein started with ingenious intuitions but he wouldn't have been remembered at all if he didn't succeed to translate his intuitions into equations and proposed experiments.
BTW, Einstein didn't really believe in quantum theory despite being part of its authors. EPR paradox is the best known formulation of his doubts. It has been experimantally checked and, apparently, despite Einstein not liking it, quantum mechanics is really, fundamentally non-deterministic.
Which shows how important is the Experiment over Intuition approach, even if the intuition is of a genius.

Of course, in science, intuitions must be backed up by proof.

I absolutely agree with you.

Intuition and speculation are the seeds that make Science grow and blossom; wouldn’t you agree?