Missed a chance to have sex?

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Are you speaking from statistical evidence? Because this sounds oddly feminist, or oddly against women. I'm not sure which one yet. As an autistic woman I don't feel like school treated me kindly, boys who didnt fit in socially, were certainly accepted better than I was. I thought it was a gender thing. Men are more rarely victims, was what I thought. Maybe it's just my personality or luck though.

I'm currently struggling with womanly issues and hating on my womanhood, as I visit my gyn more often than my period (which is already awfully painful and gives me hemorroids because of the pads and makes me spend on pads and only 1 brand out of all soft pads are ever effective) and I spend tons of money when most men never in their life been to a urologist.. Besides having nasty chronic infections that make me bleed and curl in pain and whatever natural thing made my ancestors evolve butt close to the genitals and inside odd skins and problematic organs with an opening should be de-cursed. Genitalia of women is really gruesome as is birth. The most disgusting unsensical things nature can come up with. When one studies all the womb muscles and how they squeeze around and form and even that formation is painful when a baby is being pushed out by all this strange tissue and breaks through, ugh.. I really hate the way this world has ended up. Some men don't even care about your mental and physical, about your desires, their vows say you can never say no, you feel like a slave and they can always tell you no, and you have to follow rules before they have even married you, and they dont even know if they wanna marry you anymore but regardless you vowed because they have proposed to you with his vows and that means they are also automatically your vows and you are only good for sex and children and if that doesnt happen they will leave you, because your involvement and dedication and your love all means nothing. Anyway, im done ranting, but some people are just ugh. And so is the earth for permitting it. And so am I for allowing it. I just sometimes feel so powerless and that nobody can see their own crazy things they do. They can only see mine. And they tell me theyll join therapy with me but later on they just dont want to anymore, because they can get away with it. And they tell me im the one who has issues for not wanting to procreate, but they have not a slight idea that this is a desire not insanity and that I dont have to desire children to be mentally healthy, and these fears when im not mentally ready are completely alright and my psychologist tells me I had my s**t together when i told them i shouldnt date at this point for months before they convinced me into it and many other things along the way and afterwards started complaining that i have issues when im on my best success in my life. That im not insane, im just autistic, and not even due to my autism i look to things others do and take examples. But you know sometimes you cant convince people. Sometimes they gotta learn the hard way but i dont want to learn the hard way anymore with them. It's not okay. They best learn to listen to the ones in their life and sotp making all the rules and stop saying i have all the issues and they dont and try to change. People dont change when they have that mindset, people only change in therapy. So they need therapy. Badly. They dont need me to deal with their issues as much as I dont need them to deal with mine, just to listen to me. I am the one they are trying with, and I know a thing or two about myself. And I got to the point where I'm allowing into my life to grow a child together with them but its never enough, they must always have their best wish and I must always have my worst. What kinda f****d up compromise is that? It's none, it's only what they want and dream of, never what I desperately need in my life. I don't choose my past, i didnt choose my abuse, i didnt choose to be born less able and unfit for a birther or parenting. I choose to be strong even against my nature, but I'm not kidding when I say I want the same amount of effort on their side on these exact aspects. I'm not a f*****g slave. I might have a kid in the future but im never gonna pop it out of my hole until I really want to. I'm disgusted at that proposition for now, and I dont want my dna to be ongoing. I was happy with helping an orphan, whatever his age might be, first he said he dislikes babies, then he wants babies because it doesnt take that long for them to grow (when your wife is raising them along with you, but at this point you dont even have security in the relationship, youll be a single dad, and i wont have a job and ill be single and have to pay child support to a child i never even wanted or worse have to raise it myself by myself if something happens). JFC where is logic in this, im not just dreaming and desiring. I also have a brain. I'm stuck feeling like puking and this anxiety because I know if im not able to provide the man with what he wants he will desire to blow me off like dust.But im also going to a country where I only have him, and if he talks every day about the fact that its over and we dont fit together, I'll have to fear for having to move back to my country every day. Where is the peace I seek in my life with this? I just wanna retire and feel good because my life has been very tough. He can always express his lack of enjoyment with things but when I do he instantly talks about and wants to breakup. He tried to do it recently, through a lot of effort we're still together. And I'm going insane. I just wanna talk to my psychologist but I havent heard from her this week, she agreed to see me again but i dont know when or if she has time around the holidays. And I feel guilt about this thing that just poured out of my brain but its so true i dont know if i can ever fix it alone or how. Because I love my fiance and hes good to me, but this needs tons of work, change and professional help. And I can never talk about these things without something really awful happening. And I've been holding it in for too long.

Things are amazing between us right now, and there is much to lose by talking about these things. I dont know why I felt like I could rant right now. Maybe because I regained a bit of trust? Maybe because I feel like I can be more open? Maybe because I'm on period? Maybe because I'm triggered? Maybe because im silly and reckless? But I'm definitely not otherwise. I both want and don't want him to see this, I dont know how to talk to him and I don't want to talk to him about this. I dont wanna talk to him about issues I just wanna continue living for now, this helped us a lot. But at the same time, don't we have to make a plan so we dont run into unexpected things but to deal with everything now is crazy? This may take a lifetime of therapy, and its really not up to us to rush the process, we can't. It'll be in its own time. Especially if we don't go to therapy. If I had the money to have daily therapy sessions or every other day, many people think about this, a weekly session feels not enough. He's right, though, I'm judging him too harshly and taking things personally in these things. He's not like that, he does his best but he has the same or similar emotional issues as I do.

On the 10th page, perhaps it's a bit late to say this by why don't you see a hooker? It's perfectly legal in the UK provided you're not blatantly exploiting others. You would be surprised of what absolute hotties you can get from Eastern Europe. Just make sure you don't mention WW2 otherwise your 30 min booking will turn into a 60 minute one.

They really love their recent history. Not that it's bad of course.......they given me insights into history that I never would have come across otherwise. I also still have an interest in trying Sarmale rolls. They're supposedly a traditional Christmas dish in Romania and I've been told to try them despite having nothing to do with WW2.

Yeah, that's the first thing I noticed about you too, your 'fiesty'ness.

I read all of this particular post. This is very illuminating, thank you.

Well, here's the thing. I have been on a personal & spiritual journey for many years now. I believe I could achieve things more quickly if I were part of a certain group of people, if they would accept me, as I have many ideas I want to give and I wish to receive the ideas of other biological women, too.

I am not interested in cat-fighting or drama.

I consider myself a lesbian in a man's body, yes. I endeavour my spirit to improve women and to improve myself in the presence of other women. There is no 'domination' aspect here. For me, moving forward by stepping over other people is not the way, from my perspective (even if other people think they are being stepped on, when they aren't).

But yes, all of the medical professionals I have come into contact with basically say I have issues with depression/anxiety specifically, in relation to mental health & various, severe neurological issues. I am not 'crazy' in any way. I don't have any bad intentions, though I realise there can be inadvertent, negative consequences to my actions.

I'd worry more about missing dinner than sex.

Sex is beneficial too (except with corpses).

"Never pass up an opportunity to have sex or appear on television." -- Gore Vidal