Nice Guys and Love, what's your take on the issue

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pbcoll
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12 Oct 2008, 5:01 pm

Space wrote:

I am not looking for drama, fighting, or a party girl. I wish I could meet more "boring" girls.

I'm the same.

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sunshower
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12 Oct 2008, 5:22 pm

Space wrote:

sunshower wrote:

NOTE TO Space: (I read your comment after writing mine) If a girl thinks a guy is boring, maybe they made a mistake, but the impression must have come from somewhere. And so I get the impression it's wrong for a girl not to go out with a guy cause he's boring. Would YOU like to go out with a boring girl?

I think you are confused about what I meant by boring. I am dating a girl right now who is "boring" by the definition I used. I like it. I am not looking for drama, fighting, or a party girl. I wish I could meet more "boring" girls.

I meant a girl who is boring to you as an individual. Everybody will find different types of people interesting and boring depending on the person they are. I don't think it's a crime to be boring to one person and interesting to another. I'm sure I'm boring to some people, and (hopefully) interesting to others. And I probably come at this discussion from a biased perspective, which could warp my writing somewhat, making my definitions a little foggy.

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12 Oct 2008, 10:14 pm

kburman wrote:

Anyhow, if I may change anybody's perspective on this at all.. the next time you see a person you see as a "pushover", please, please, please don't dismiss them as idiots or weaklings. They may just be trying to be good people and having the world take a dump on them for it. It is true, that nice guys, or more accurately, nice people finish last. The world rewards the aggressive and the takers. It pays lip service to the givers and then treats them like "losers" and discards them after taking all that can be had. If you are female, and if you can be a strong enough person to give them your love and allow them time to grow and flourish, and to regain trust in people again, you'll have that genuinely good man that you've always wanted. Confidence can be given to people. Goodness cannot be. Find a good person and give them confidence. Don't find a confident person and try to make them good.

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pbcoll
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14 Oct 2008, 5:09 pm

Cyberman wrote:

Quote:

And so I get the impression it's wrong for a girl not to go out with a guy cause he's boring.

And I get the impression it's "wrong" for me to have a girlfriend. :roll:

I get exactly the same impression regarding me. There always seems to be a subtext with other people of 'know your place.'

sunshower wrote:

get out there and meet people with the intent to make friends! The more people you meet and friends you make, the more chances you have of one of those friendships turning into something more.

It just doesn't work like that for males. The more female friends you have, the lower your chances of dating (plus, everyone will assume you're gay if your friends are mostly girls).

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14 Oct 2008, 9:22 pm

Well, after reading more of sunshower's posts, I don't think she meant to put anyone "in their place." But you're right, there is indeed a vibe of "You're a hopeless loser, so STFU and live with it."

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14 Oct 2008, 9:39 pm

Cyberman wrote:

But you're right, there is indeed a vibe of "You're a hopeless loser, so STFU and live with it."

Yeah, that's a really stupid vibe. I don't think anyone's hopeless, and I hate it when people put other people down because they're different to them or because they can. I guess I believe (in dating etc) people should commit their best efforts, and both sides should put parts of themselves into it. I think you need to take risks to gain.

But yeah, I'm still relatively new to this side of the equation - up until a year or two ago, a guy would never even look in my direction. It didn't bother me too much, as mostly I was happy enough do my own thing.

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Hector
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15 Oct 2008, 2:40 am

sunshower wrote:

To the shy guys out there - you can't use it as a crutch! If you're not the best in big party situations, then use your brain and don't try to meet girls that way. Go to a more quiet environment, and try chatting to girls one on one. If you're too shy even to do that, then you'll really have to work on it.

I wouldn't call myself shy, more just kind of awkward, but you seem to be claiming that it's easier to meet girls one on one in a quiet environment than at parties or social events. For new people in general, I've found that this isn't the case. Whereas the expectation in social events is accordingly to be social and mingle, outside of these events most people will have other things on their minds.

LeeAnderson
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15 Oct 2008, 4:16 am

AutisticMalcontent wrote:

Well I'm going to cite off a cliche' that everyone is familiar with- "Nice guys finish last". I am a strong believer in this cliche', the reasons being very simple, according to what I've observed. First off all, nice guys are typically "normal" and are not nearly as interesting/exciting and wild as overly confident guys/jerks/charming guys. Note that I am not using jerks as a synonym for all confident guys romantically, just a select group.

I agree totally. And nice guys do finish last, trust me. It sucks, but it's the truth.

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15 Oct 2008, 4:35 am

Cyberman wrote:

Well, after reading more of sunshower's posts, I don't think she meant to put anyone "in their place." But you're right, there is indeed a vibe of "You're a hopeless loser, so STFU and live with it."

That's certainly what I got over the years, from so-called "friends". All of them telling to me to "be content with singleness" (code for "You'd better get used to being single, because no-one would want a loser like you") - whilst they all paired up, and got married. They talked to me like I was some sort of ret*d. What a waste of the best years (relatively speaking) of my life.

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15 Oct 2008, 7:21 am

BPalmer wrote:

Cyberman wrote:

Well, after reading more of sunshower's posts, I don't think she meant to put anyone "in their place." But you're right, there is indeed a vibe of "You're a hopeless loser, so STFU and live with it."

When I was diagnosed my psychologist told my mum I'd never be in a relationship and I'd be alone for the rest of my life like it was a certain thing. I'm glad she never told me until last year after I'd entered my first relationship.

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sunshower
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15 Oct 2008, 7:23 am

Hector wrote:

Hmm that's true... but it also depends on the situation. If you're standing next to someone while waiting for the elevator, or in line, or anything like that I find that's a great time to strike up a conversation. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, it's still good practice and it can build up your confidence for bigger group situations.

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BPalmer
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16 Oct 2008, 8:50 am

sunshower wrote:

When I was diagnosed my psychologist told my mum I'd never be in a relationship and I'd be alone for the rest of my life ... I'm glad she never told me until last year after I'd entered my first relationship.

Fairly soon I'm flying to the US to meet someone for a possible relationship. (We've been talking on the phone for ages.) Who knows how things will go? I fear I'm too scarred and embittered, and too old for a first relationship (or at least one that's anywhere near enjoyable). Obviously I was too much of a niche-market freak for anyone in the conformist hellhole where I've lived for the last twenty-four years. Oh well, two months before I head off on my first ever long-haul flight...

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16 Oct 2008, 9:38 am

BPalmer wrote:

sunshower wrote:

Good luck!! And I think the best thing to do is to think positively.

At 34 you're still in your prime, and it's probably a good age to enter a relationship.

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pbcoll
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16 Oct 2008, 7:22 pm

Cyberman wrote:

Well, after reading more of sunshower's posts, I don't think she meant to put anyone "in their place." But you're right, there is indeed a vibe of "You're a hopeless loser, so STFU and live with it."

I wasn't referring to her, but to most people IRL. If it was an attitude of 'your chances of ever dating again are pretty slim' it would be one thing, but it's more 'you have no right to want a gf.' Which itself has a subtext of 'you're a freak, for the love of God stay away from women,' or of pity, which is the more offensive one. IRL I don't usually talk to people about wanting to date for this reason.

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16 Oct 2008, 10:13 pm

I even get that vibe from some of the WP members who are in a similar situation to ours. I've always wondered why that is... Do people have some kind of natural "instinct" to keep the gene pool pure? Is that why they want us to be alone, because they're afraid that we'll spread our "inferior" genes?

I'm sick of being treated like some kind of "creep" just for wanting to have a girlfriend... something which everyone else gets to have, but for some reason I'm not "supposed" to.

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17 Oct 2008, 1:36 am

Cyberman, I really think you need to just put the comments to one side from those that think that there is no need to have a bf gf, and remember that this is a website dominated mostly by people with ASD. So a large number are going to feel that way, and that is fine for them. However.. if you want to have someone to share your life with, then that's fine too. Not everyone is going to share the same outlook. Don't let it colour what you want.

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