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'reading' others love

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DonkeyBuster
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23 Jun 2009, 7:35 pm

Perhaps there is a logical way out of your conundrum...

Do you FEEL he loves you?.... No. That part of your system is disabled.

Do you KNOW he loves you? This part you can check out through observation, of both verbal statements and actions. You can note loving, affectionate tones, kind words, thoughtful deeds and small sacrifices he makes for you... and qualitatively and quatitatively say "Yes, I KNOW you love me!"

Or is he talking about when he wants to have sex? Thaaaat's different. :?



lotusblossom
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24 Jun 2009, 3:37 am

DonkeyBuster wrote:
Perhaps there is a logical way out of your conundrum...

Do you FEEL he loves you?.... No. That part of your system is disabled.

Do you KNOW he loves you? This part you can check out through observation, of both verbal statements and actions. You can note loving, affectionate tones, kind words, thoughtful deeds and small sacrifices he makes for you... and qualitatively and quatitatively say "Yes, I KNOW you love me!"

Or is he talking about when he wants to have sex? Thaaaat's different. :?


Really I would say that one can never 'know' someone loves one, a person can just make a good guess based on probabilties. Someone could believe someone loved them then find out they didnt at all. I dont think it matters as surely its whether i behave with integrity thats important not whether I 'know' or 'feel' someones love.

I thinkits probably a good reality check for him that I am what I am, rather than me being an 'image' he has projected on to me.

He shall have to put up with me being logical and lacking in empathy.



lotusblossom
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24 Jun 2009, 3:41 am

CelticGoddess wrote:
You can't change what you are not born feeling. This is just who you are and I'm sure he'll come around and get to used to it. Two people with AS can still have varying strengths/weaknesses. I can "feel" what another person is about, but I can't read them, and it's pretty darn hard for me to actually look at them, so I have to go with what I feel. So I'm the opposite of you.

But I know someone who is very similar to you and he used to say to his girlfriend, "When you tell me, then I know and that's the only way" and so every time she wanted to be sure he knew, she would tell him and he would kiss her. It became like a like a funny secret between the two and if anything, it seemed to deepen the connection even if he wasn't able to "feel" her love. He just knew it because it ws fact and she told him. She, in return felt loved because she could feel it in him when he responded to her statement of it. I think that's a pretty cool story.


Celtic Goddess - I find it very interesting that you can feel things. How does that work, could you describe it a bit for me.

I am so glad you posted as its really changed my attitude to my bf and I promise I shall stop calling him an NT now lol :lol:



0_equals_true
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24 Jun 2009, 9:45 am

lotusblossom wrote:
0_equals_true wrote:
What possible reason do you want to do this? Without going into an in depth discussion of 'love' whether there is a concrete thing or it is completely individual experience, you either believe him or you don't.


my reason is because I dont like making him sad.

my friend said that I should just lie and tell him that of course I know that he loves me.

I do not feel comfortable lieing so wanted an alternative solution.

No one says you have to lie. Be logical though there is no point is getting in are rather circular wrangle for no good reason. You are placing too much value on something that is not necessary anyway. He is also co-dependent in this behaviour. Love is very subjective and personal.



DonkeyBuster
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24 Jun 2009, 10:48 am

lotusblossom wrote:
Really I would say that one can never 'know' someone loves one, a person can just make a good guess based on probabilties. Someone could believe someone loved them then find out they didnt at all.


That's true, but then everytime we put our foot down when we walk, we're really just making an educated guess that the ground will be there to meet it. And every now and then we unwittingly step off a curb or trip over something. So observing "signs and symptoms" can allow you to draw a well-informed conclusion. Tone of voice, stance, attention... all data inputs. Evaluating these things may not come naturally to us, but they can be learned. And we may actually have the upper hand in not getting taken in by con artists because we can become very, very good at objective evaluation of 'signs and symptoms'.

Quote:
I dont think it matters as surely its whether i behave with integrity thats important not whether I 'know' or 'feel' someones love.


By examining the data he's giving you, obviously behaving with integrity is not all that's important...

Quote:
I think its probably a good reality check for him that I am what I am, rather than me being an 'image' he has projected on to me.

He shall have to put up with me being logical and lacking in empathy.


It's one thing to lack empathy, it's another thing entirely to lack kindness or consideration. And don't forget... reality checks work both ways.