Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Initiating

Page 2 of 2 [ 29 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Previous topic | Next topic

TheKingsRaven
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2009
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 306
Location: UK

03 Jul 2009, 12:32 pm

*gives a calming hug*



Cyberman
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Apr 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,736
Location: hibernating

03 Jul 2009, 12:32 pm

DITZY72 wrote:
I was raised that in dating Men should do the initiating. The calling, the asking of dates etc. And that a man was to be the one chasing and the girl being the one being chased.

Do not buy into this sexist bovine excrement. Why should the burden always fall on the guy's shoulders? What logical excuse is there, if women have proved time and again that they're just as capable of doing things as men? In spite of all the pseudo-biological BS about "men being stronger"? What if the guy is introverted or unable to tell when someone likes him?

DITZY72 wrote:
So is it ok... for the woman to do the initiating...

YES... I mean, c'mon, this is the 2000's, not the Stone Age! :lol:

DITZY72 wrote:
are Aspie men turned off by this?

Hell no! Not me, anyway...



Last edited by Cyberman on 03 Jul 2009, 1:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

TheKingsRaven
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2009
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 306
Location: UK

03 Jul 2009, 12:37 pm

She's not being sexist, if you read her initial post you'd see she dosn't like doing the initiating, that's a good reason for wanting the guy to do it. Then that brings its own problems and we reach the fundamentals of relationships: finding something that works for both parties.



Cyberman
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Apr 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,736
Location: hibernating

03 Jul 2009, 12:39 pm

TheKingsRaven wrote:
She's not being sexist

I didn't say she was being sexist, I meant that the concept that guys should do all the initiating is sexist.



DITZY72
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jun 2009
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 84

03 Jul 2009, 3:11 pm

KingsRaven... thank you for the calming hug... I need all the hugs I can get.... I think that is part of my problem I'm such and attention whore.. LOL



Cyanide
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Sep 2006
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,003
Location: The Pacific Northwest

04 Jul 2009, 1:22 am

I prefer not to be the initiator. For one, I'm pretty apathetic concerning how fast or slow the relationship goes. If she wants something, she shouldn't be afraid to ask for it (or in some cases just go for it), because I won't get angry/uncomfortable. Then with phone communication, I don't need it as much as most other people. So it'd be a lot better for her to call me most of the time. I can't read minds, and I don't want to try to.



CJBinks
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Nov 2008
Age: 69
Gender: Male
Posts: 916

04 Jul 2009, 1:45 am

DITZY72 wrote:
KingsRaven... thank you for the calming hug... I need all the hugs I can get.... I think that is part of my problem I'm such and attention whore.. LOL


Attention whore? Heaven forfend! Hugs are one of the greatest gifts that don't carry baggage. Don't get me wrong, kisses and cuddling rank at the top, but hugs shouldn't be the same. I am a compulsive hugger.



RageBeoulve
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jul 2009
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 96

04 Jul 2009, 3:01 am

LePetitPrince wrote:
Most aspie men are 'shy'-love , so yea ...they're more likely prefer to be chased.

I agree 100%. I'm shy and I prefer the guys I'm with to be more the dominate one.



SilverStar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,058
Location: Ohio, USA

04 Jul 2009, 9:47 pm

I think the problem here is that they are both submissive. Most Aspie guys need a more dominant woman to lead the way. The thing is, most women are submissive, and prefer the guy to be dominant.



JohnHopkins
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Nov 2007
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,463

05 Jul 2009, 8:10 am

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman doing the initiating.

But I would say your relationship has deeper problems than that. If you're doing ALL the initiating all the time, that's not good enough. One partner being more dominant or proactive is fine, but there has to be equality, otherwise you're essentially his b***h and you just build yourself around his schedule.

What's more, you've said you've told him this problem more than once and he just gets better for a week and returns to normal. This is not good enough, in any relationship. It's not so bad for comparatively minor problem like this, but relationships are about compromise and he needs to be able to meet you halfway once in a while. This can't just be him doing what he wants the whole time.



SilverStar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,058
Location: Ohio, USA

05 Jul 2009, 10:05 am

JohnHopkins wrote:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman doing the initiating.

But I would say your relationship has deeper problems than that. If you're doing ALL the initiating all the time, that's not good enough. One partner being more dominant or proactive is fine, but there has to be equality, otherwise you're essentially his b***h and you just build yourself around his schedule.

What's more, you've said you've told him this problem more than once and he just gets better for a week and returns to normal. This is not good enough, in any relationship. It's not so bad for comparatively minor problem like this, but relationships are about compromise and he needs to be able to meet you halfway once in a while. This can't just be him doing what he wants the whole time.


I agree 100%. Relationships should be 50/50, equal give and take. Neither partner should have to do all of the work to maintain it. It does sound like the OP is doing most of the work here, but by reading some of the things she wrote, it seems she expects the guy to do most of the work, which is a problem itself.



DITZY72
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jun 2009
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 84

05 Jul 2009, 7:08 pm

Thank You JohnHopkins.... I needed to hear that. When I first starting dating the guy he made all the effort once we were a "couple" he quit. Now I do it wall. If I don't call we don't talk. If I don't make plans we don't see each other. Granted he responds well and seems to want to be with me. Says how much he cares for me etc. But every now and again it would be nice for him to ask me out or pick up the phone to let me know he's thinking of me.



the_wife
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 29 Jun 2009
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 55
Location: Colorado

05 Jul 2009, 7:14 pm

DITZY72 wrote:
If I don't call we don't talk. If I don't make plans we don't see each other. Granted he responds well and seems to want to be with me. Says how much he cares for me etc. But every now and again it would be nice for him to ask me out or pick up the phone to let me know he's thinking of me.


Yeah, I'd say this raises a red flag. Initiating is one thing, but carrying the full load is too much. This doesn't sound like someone that would be good for a long-term committed relationship.