Fear of approaching cuz they might have a BF/GF

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Yup, that's how i operate too. though i have trouble taking a friend relationship and turning it into something more. once i've settled into a just friends atmosphere, i'm stuck. so while i do treat them as friends at first, it's more of a borderline friends/flirting behavior to make the transition one way or the other easier depending on what kind of response i'm getting.

*shrug*

Exactly. Ant naturally, the older I get the smaller the pool gets. One of the reasons I don't see myself in any kind of relationship.

OK someone has to go against the grain.

I used to share all your "what ifs" and "she's probably got a bf" or "I'm not attractive enough", I"m scared/shy, etc., rationalizations, and also I truly did respect people that were attached as I felt the Golden Rule should be invoked - that if I were attached I'd not want someone to break my situation up.

But then over the years (mainly while married) I got hit on by women - I mean A LOT. It's as if they were trying to say they'd be better for me than my wife (actually this did turn out to be true in three cases). In the back of most of these women's minds was the possibility that if I ever were to break with the wife, they'd be ready. None of them acted on it or tried to "rape" me.

Not that I'm a home-wrecker (and I never did fool around), but it did give me pause to think about what IS right? Was it right for me to be stuck in a lousy marriage and them to be stuck with a not-so-nice BF/lousy relationship when it would have been so much MORE right for us to actually have broken up with our respective people at that time in the past - -and do what SHOULD be inevitable???? I mean in one case the person who hit on me was not only model material but a damn fine musician (my profession). But I had to do the right thing and not seek her as I was still laboring under the "ethics" of it being proper for each of us to be forced to stay in bad relationships because that was the "honorable" thing. That was a mistake as my marriage broke up later (too long to relate here), so it proved to be honorable AND stupid. AND a stunting of my "manhood", i.e., delayed onset of ability to increase risk-taking/leave my comfort zone.

Besides, if you all haven't heard, in the recent news it was mentioned that more women are attracted to attached men than to single guys, and it's their way of announcing "I'm free whenever you are". It's not like stealing attached men so much as it is to say: "If she hadn't beaten me to you, I'd have claimed you", like an 18th century lady dropping her handkerchief and having a dashing man pick it up and hand it back to her (or keeping it as some kind of fetish!).

Also do not EVER jump to conclusions. She might not have a BF but might be GAY. but maybe not. OR like the platonic gf of my gf and me, she might be so hot that nobody approaches (sadly true in our friend's case, because nobody has the guts for fear of rejection, because they assume that since she's a 10 she either must be a b*tch or have a jock or sugar daddy bf - or he's a 10 like her, or she's a gold-digger).

As Yogi Berra (American Baseball Player) said: "It ain't over til it's over".

Why rule out happiness when it might just be appropriate to seek out someone attached/at least verify they're into you somewhat or do not "veto" you peremptorily - all of this without making a play for a specifically sexual relationship of course until you both can ethically do that.

And BTW I met my current gf just cold-hitting on her (in a nice, friendly, non sexual way) so if I'd just assumed ANYTHING and walked the other way I'd still be looking.....and that platonic gf of ours (mentioned above) holds me up as an example of what to look for in a man...she even admired that I'd cold-hit on my gf (envious perhaps?).

Key is you have to not really care about trying to predict what the truth is but of course if someone is attached be ethical and do NOT try to break up a good relationship; but if it's a bad one, well maybe she DESERVES a good guy to be in her life and maybe someone owes it to her to talk to her for HER sake, maybe not for anything more than just to signal "I like you and am willing to get to know you better".

OH - and one final thing: even if this person you "hit" on is attached they may have friends who AREN'T!! !!

Well then only approach them with the intent to be friends.
If the girl gets jealouse over a female friend talking to their bf, it just shows that thy are crazy and obsessed.

Don't approach them with the thougth that they migth be your next bf, but just a FRIEND.

Yeah I'm a bit the same. Most of the people I like have GFs.

One guy I really like at the moment has a GF, so I never really talk to him. Oh, and because im too nervous to... but I also find it disrespectful for single women to hang around taken men.

Very, very WRONG. If a single woman hangs around a taken man a lot, its very NORMAL for people to think of their intentions. It may not be great fun that single women cant hang around taken men, but it's JUST THE WAY IT GOES. This is not primary school, this is adulthood.

You may be able to get away with these sort of tactics at school, but its not the way adult life works.

For me, fear really isn't an issue. I don't want to ask out someone I don't know and I don't have a way to get to know women in a casual (or any other) environment. I could be somewhere and see a gorgeous woman by herself, with no ring or anything. The only thing I know about her is that she's attractive. That alone is not enough information to determine whether or not I'd want to ask her out and since it's just a chance encounter, I have no way to get to know her in any type of setting to determine if we have any common interests, what kind of values she has, etc.

I think it's a fine line between platonic 'flirting' with someone you just met and trying to get with someone you know is taken. I've found from experience that some men truly have no boundaries, and will continue to pursue a woman even after knowing that she's taken.

I wouldn't be offended if a guy flirted with my partner before finding out, as long as he didn't make any attempts to have things go somewhere after finding out she was taken. As long as he respected that, I'd probably want to hang out with him as a friend myself, and have no issues with it. If he continued to make attempts after realizing she was taken, I'd be about ready to beat him to death.

I think you're being a touch paranoid. The second you find out they're taken, you step away, and that's that. People just tracking down the guy or girl that hit on their partner sound ridiculous to me and I suspect that those are extreme cases.

I always fear of the boyfriend even if she looks interested in me or want to talk to me. I mostly freeze up on people though so I don't have words to say to anyone really. I wish I was better at talking with people. I don't even like to talk to friends that are girls when they have boyfriend. I feel like I am doing something I shouldn't be by talking to them.

I have recently overcome my fear of this. If they don't indicate that they are with someone, and I find that person interesting, I will give it a shot.

I think this is the right mindset, but not for the reasons you might think....

If you go into any social situation with a woman you find attractive with a motive other than "I want to date you," it really allows you to relax and stop vibing need or desperation. The person you are interested in probably does have a boyfriend (most women do at any given time), but like I've said so many times here, nothing is permanent, and you need to have a good network of women you like to help make a relationship happen eventually. Know 100 women as friends, I will GUARANTEE you that you will get a relationship out of that group. And part of making friends with a woman is letting her feel comfortable that you don't have any ulterior motives if she is already involved. It doesn't mean you can't be a little flirty (everyone flirts), but she has to know that you're not trying to sleep with her in the near future.

This is the reason why we guys (and I'm sure this goes for women as well) often attract those people we are least interested -- we're so relaxed and satisfied around some of those same people that they find us attractive. Plus, everyone wants what they can't have, and conversely, someone who is wanted might find it very intriguing when someone else doesn't instantly hit on them or visibly want them.

Good for you -- let me suggest something more: Even if they do have a BF, talk to them anyways, but as a friend, not as a guy looking for a date. You would really be surprised how doing something like that gets you on their list of "candidates" when they aren't with that BF anymore.

No, actually, they don't. *I* don't flirt with males in "real life" because I don't know how. Using "flirtatious" language whilst chatting on IM or in an email has nothing to do with face-to-face flirtation. I also have no clue when (or if) I'm ever being flirted with in "real life."

Excellent policy! There have been some girls I've been interested in that I might ask out when I know they aren't with their BF anymore.

If someone having a possible bf/gf is really an issue that prevents you from talking to someone, then you're coming on WAY to strong. Even if your intentions are romantic, you should be able to talk to someone long enough without making a move until you know if making one is a good idea.

In a nutshell, talking to someone DOES NOT constitute making a move. If you get backlash otherwise, then the angry person is way out of line.