From lovers to friends-can it ever truely work?

Post Reply New Topic

^ agree with Merle.

I am touched and deeply humbled by the amount of kind words and sound advice in response to this topic.
It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside-a feeling I thought I'd never feel again.

Right now, it is a week on from the break-up and my feelings have radically changed. I'm not saying I'm no longer hurting but the pain has dimmed signifigantly in 7 short days. I'm no longer wasting my nights crying for something that will only cause more pain than joy in the long run.
In regards to identifying the traits he shares with my father, they had been staring me in the face throughout the entire relationship but until know, I tried to ignore them for the sake of the relationship.
I know now that I deserve so much more in life, that I can't keep reliving the nightmare of alcoholism over and over again.

The trouble is, to find someone else without some remote fondness of drink is like searching for a needle in a pile of needles.
I live in a country famous for its' drinking culture so unless I start hanging around AA meetings, I'm unlikely to find anyone with an adversion to alcohol.

As for becoming friends with this man, things have taking a confusing turn.

Today, I recieved a text message from him asking if I could come over so he could swap one of his DVDs for my own. I thought it was an odd request as I'd already gathered up my things from his house. Bewildered, I told him I didn't fancy a trade and let him keep one of the DVDs I'd left behind-sort of collateral damage if you will. I consulted my mother on the subject and she told me it's quite possible it could've been one of several scenerios:

1): He wants me to come over and try to salvage things.

2): He genuinely wants to swap DVDs.

3): He wants to try and woo me into becoming a "friend-with-benifits"

Whatever the reason, I didn't rise the bait. I've decided not to see him again until my 4-6 week cut-off period is over and my head is a little clearer but the fact that he's made the 1st move by contacting me after weeks shows he may possibly be experiencing regret but I'm not optimistic.

I'm going to thread with caution for the time being. If it turns out he just wants to talk, then I'll talk. Things will have to change radically if we're to get back on track, though. that's for damn sure.
but if it turns out he only wants to use me for cheap thrills, then it will be one more reason to cut him loose.

Thank you all for your kind support and advice.

I truely appreciate it.

I saw my ex for the first time since he contacted me over the DVDs.
For the last month or so, he'd talked of getting a cheap laptop so he could have mobile internet as he'd been cut off at home due to his mother lagging behind on payments.
Anyways, he called me up out of the blue at midnight last night, but I was sleeping at the time and didn't get to reply.
When I got up this morning, he'd sent me a text asking if we could meet up at the local Premier Inn (which is right next door to Harvey Normans) so we could catch up.

I decided to humor him, figuring if he was awake at 9:00am in the morning that he must have something very important to tell me.
(He rarely gets out of bed before noon so for him to be up at this hour is pretty signifigant)

So, after a quick shower and spruce up, I headed over to the inn and met him in the lounge at around 10.30am.

He was cooing and fawning over his laptop and for the next 20 minutes, he made me input the voucher code to enable the WIFI before proceeding to virtually ignore me while he fiddled about with his emails. Bewildered and mildly annoyed at being ignored, I ask him what the hell was going on.
He said he couldn't have input the codes without and that as his friend and mother didn't want to come along, he'd relied on me as company. He then tried to suggest we have a pint in the bar but it wasn't even noon yet and I called him on it.

I can't help but feel that over the last 5 weeks, he has been pushing me away by being distant just so he wouldn't have any distractions from saving up for the damn laptop. It feels like now that he's gotten the damn thing, he thinks he can call me up whenever he feels like it and pretend that he hasn't really hurt my feelings.

When I told him this, he didn't give me a straight answer and simpered in his seat.

He then started saying that the reason he was up so early was because he didn't want his mother's boyfriend to see the laptop as he'd probably take it off him, smash it and start a fight. My ex then proceeds to b***h and whinge over the fact that he can't cope living in the house with this man and just sits there moaning about he can't do anything.

By this stage, I'd had enough and told him to get a grip, grow up and get his act together.

If he was so hellbent on getting out of his turbulent home situation then he would've done something about it long before now.
He was so determined to get that laptop, though. Why couldn't he have put that determination to better use and actually done something useful with his life?

Instead of filling out the Housing Forms I gave him or trying to save for a deposit, he would much rather stay cooped up in his little loft bedroom popping "legal high" party pills, bitching about his mother/soon-to-stepfather/lack of a job/money/etc than being proactive and doing something about it.

Darwin knows I've tried my damndest to help him get ahead in life but he just wouldn't meet me halfway.

I've told him I don't know how many times how deterimental it is to constantly have to take care of him, fill out forms, tie his shoelaces and tell him how to do this that and the other.

I'm not putting up with it anymore. He can sit up in the attic and play the "poor me" card all his damn life for all I care. I refuse to let him drag me down with him into the dark hole he dug himself.

I deserve better and so have decided not to see, speak or contact the ungrateful little brat for the forseeable future.
If he can't grow up and act his age instead of his shoe-size, then I certainly do not want to have to pick up his toys everytime he throws them out of the pram.

That was basically me and my ex-girlfriend for a week. She wanted to be single for a while, and thought I deserved someone better than her.


And guess what....she has a new boyfriend now!! !! I wish I had the right to call her a jerk.

Yeah, asexuality can complicate things.

Yes, it can be done. I've maintained friendships with most ex-lovers, even decades later. On the other hand, this guy does not sound like someone I would want as a friend. Time to disconnect completely.

Got an email from him today.
It was the usual bullpoop-he said we were using each other as an ego trip, that I was clingy and neurotic and that he lives his life how He wants and I should've just put up with it.

In other words, he was shifting all the blame onto me for the break-up and twisting my words. *shakes head*
Guess I dodged a bullet in that sense. Still, I guess things could be much worse so I'm not getting hung up on it.
I deleted him from my phone and contacts list but there's no gurantee we'll never see each other again as we live in the same town.

But every day, I miss him less and less.

Whenever I think my resolve is slipping, I just remind myself of everything he did that drove me crazy and it reinforces my feeling of closure. I am done with him. He is a human parasite who was bleeding me dry emotionally and mentally.
I am not going to waste my time, breathe, energy or self-worth on this loser.

Thank you all for being very understanding and imparting your wisdom whilst I struggled to come to this conclusion.
I appreciate the advice and words of kindness (as well as the constructive criticism) and rest assured, that when the time comes when someone else enters my life in pursuit of a relationship, I will err on the side of caution in the future.

*Virtual hugs*

Hope I haven't offended.