I'm not in love with my husband and I need some advice

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That was your family, not a bunch of strangers.

And no , there's nothing wrong in breaking up with someone who totally doesn't care of him/herself.

I was in a very similar situation several years ago, so I'll throw in my $0.02 in case it might be helpful.

I got married about 10 years ago, and within 4 years we had two children. Our marriage became rocky relatively early on, which I bear a large part of the responsibilty for. I pretended to be someone who I wasn't while we were dating - outgoing, sociable, into nightclubs etc because that's what I wanted to be. Obviously I couldn't keep up that act for long and my wife's patience with the fact that I never wanted to "go anywhere" or "do anything" ended quickly. Sex was great at first, my ex-wife is very attractive so there was no problem with physical attraction, but as soon as our sex life became "political" rather spontaneous it quickly dropped to near non-existent. I was so busy trying not to do the "wrong" thing (wrong position, too long, too short, too fast, didn't cuddle long enough afterwards, etc) that it killed the mood entirely and I sought to avoid it. Niether of us have a weight problem, so that wasn't an issue.

This went on for nearly 5 years until my ex-wife started to have an affair (with a married father of 1). I ignored all of the warning signs at first, but my suspicions grew and finally I was able to confront her with the "smoking gun" I needed to get her to confess. She broke down and told me everything, she loved him, she wanted to be with him, I was "useless" except for my money, etc. I was devastated emotionally worse than anything I have every experienced in adult life, she was completely indifferent to my suffering because it was all my fault. She quickly filed for divorce, I gave her everything she wanted for a settlement (except she filed one month short of the alimony trigger in my state, dodged a bullet there!) and moved out. As soon as her boyfriend found out she was in it for "keeps" he was gone faster than you could say "I only wanted a mistress".

This caused her to lose her nerve and come back to me, we never legally re-married (I refused) but she came to live with me and we tried to make it work "for the children". We went on a second honeymoon, we tried to re-kindle the "spark" but it didn't last very long. Adding to the problem was the fact that I never "got over" the affair, and found it impossible to regain whatever emotional intimacy we had before it happened. Sex quickly went by the wayside for the same reason as before.

This went on for a few years until I unilaterally decided that "staying togther for the children" was doing more harm than good, she didn't have a man to give her courage, but she was still relatively young (27) and physically beautiful that she could find someone who could give her something that I couldn't. I moved out and things have actually been pretty good so far, I live close to my children, who I love more than life itself, and all the fighting and tension has ended. She still acts jealous and is always digging to find out if I'm "seeing" someone (I am not) but that's none of her business.

I guess the point of all this is that there are two opposing dynamics going on here, the commitment you feel for your spouse as "family" and your personal need for love and romance. In my experience, the affair pretty much sabotaged the former even though we tried to get it back, so I was better off starting new in order for us both to at least have a chance for the latter.

I don't mean to imply that this is what you should do in your case, especially since you were married much longer than I was, but maybe my experince will give you something new to think about.

Roman, you have good points based on personal examples. However, there are many many people out there who say "Give me a chance!" just so that you will stay and then when they are convinced you're not leaving anymore they just go back to doing what they want to do. Perhaps you were genuinely finally understanding what your girlfriend wanted for the first time, but do you know how many people have used that same excuse in a manipulative attempt to get her/someone to stay?? I was married to one of the latter. I cannot count how many times he "suddenly realized" what I wanted and promised to make it better. Even down to the day I actually left him. He begs me to stay and that he will fix things but his words are completely meaningless because he has a proven track record of saying to to try to appease me and not following through.

Therefore, I think the OP has a valid point about fearing her husband will slip back into complacency. Because many/most people do. Then again it isn't fair to judge him by a statistic so perhaps he should be given the chance to prove himself.

But from what I read in the OP, I think there are much more issues than this in this particular relationship. The OP describes her husband as a sibling or a friend. It is extremely difficult (impossible?) to transition this type of relationship back to romantic, imo.

Sadly; You can't change people.

(a leopard can't change its spots).

You either modify your behaviours on both sides to be more acceptable and more tolerant, or you get out of there. You can "lessen the impact" but you can't change behaviour.

I'm guessing from OP's post, that she has tried for two years to tell her husband that there was a problem with the marrige from her perspective. The weight seems like one of a few things that bother her about her husband, and seems like the only reason that she feels comfortable sharing (please correct me if I'm wrong OP). Sexual problems indicate deeper relationship problems, trust issues, respect issues etc. I don't know this guy, I also don't know how she talked to her husband to explain about this issue that she was having with their relationship.

If she was unclear to him about the problem, that a different issue, but if she was clear about the problem and he ignored her until she said she was leaving, he may not change if she were to try again with him. It will be hard either which way you choose OP.

That's good, but can be viewed as excuses and/or a crutch. But ths is very useful background information.



Both of you changed. He grew to not care about how you view him. I don't know your age, but think back 14 years ago, how different are you? And recognize he's going to be changing the same way.



You two grew apart. Some people spend years growing into each other, strengthening the relationship and becoming closer. Some people simply came together at some point in life and continued to grow their own separate ways. Do you want to stand alone in the relationship, or do you recognize you want to be with someone who feels the mutual attraction and, gah, love?



He doesn't care, so why should you? If a person doesn't recognize the innate turn offs of the other person - and chooses to do nothing. It is NOT your fault.



Too late. "Babe you're fat" to "Pass the cheetos". He didn't respect you trying to help the relationship for two years. He didn't respect your trying to keep him healthy. Why should you try to respect him now?



It will. This is who he is now. Assume he had a medical condition (and a lot of people do) where a change of lifestyle is necessary to stave off death... Most people struggle even in that.



Seems mature, on both sides.



Not mature, on both sides.



Sure you can. Take it one step further, he shot both of you. Take one step back, he walked away. There is a lot of "gray" in the response.



Mature. First part of dealing with a problem is recognizing it. Morale "wrong" doesn't play into this for me.



Yay! Amazing how it took more than a decade and an obese husband to get you to reconsider. Abuse can be physical, emotional or mental. And abusee's have a very hard time recognizing when it's appropriate to leave.



You have dumb friends, or their just acquaintences. A friend will tell you the good along with the bad. The "you have to be happy" is someone who a) doesn't respect you b) doesn't think you'll recognize the answer c) wants to blow sunshine up your ass d) is too stupid to recognize the right thing to do.



You chose, stick with your decision. His emotional meltdown is not your issue at this time. Recognize he's needy and it's going to get worse. "I am sorry", "I can change", "I can't live without you", "You'll be sorry" blah blah. It's a game he's trying to play with you. Yes, he may be hurt BUT you are NOT his keeper. His lack of respect for you and himself put the relationship in it's current place. You can only change yourself and need to fix yourself.



Probably because he looked at his options and found them wanting. You need to recognize his motivation but keep the focus on what YOU need to do to make yourself better.



Yeah, people feel the same for their pets too. The sentimental and familiarity will breed this type of attachment. But focus on a) you don't love him b) you need to find someone who loves you as much as you love them in return.

Look, you have wasted WAY too much time with this guy. You two have grown apart. You don't have much time to find someone who loves you in this world, so dwelling on this fellow is not going to give you what you're after. You don't have the baggage of kids, so you're more likely to find men who are interested.

Stop wasting your time with him and move on. 2 years of trying to "fix" things is more than enough.

I second what Merle said in its entirety.

Outstanding post Merle!

And I was one of these people. I didn't have a chance to do what you described since I never was able to perswade anyone to get back with me after they have broken up. But there were multiple times when I asked Jennifer to give me a chance in a sense of not being mad at me. So when she was mad I was promissing her to never do that again, and then once she was no longer mad I did exactly what I did before. That is why she doesn't believe me now since she claims that I already said I will change every other week and I didn't.

BUT I STILL THINK SHE SHOULD BELIEVE, here is why. Yes I was sincere when I was telling her I would change. But I kept looking at isolated thing that happened and I felt like "I didn't have to do X, Y or Z which I just did, so I would never do it again since I don't have any reason to on the first place". But now looking back I see that there was a MAJOR issue that caused me to do what I did. Namely I was resenting Jennifer for being "too controlling", so as a result of resentment I was no longer in love with her which is why I kept "forgetting" to do various things to show her that I care about her. Back then I didn't realize the connection. I viewed relationship in the same way as playing a piano. So I thought that if I am good at piano I would be able to play happy music even if I am in a bad mood and vise versa. So, the fact that I HAPPENED to resent Jennifer is completely irrelevent to my behavior towards her. The only reason I behaved that way is due to my Asperger which makes me bad at piano; so I will focus more and not make such and such mistake. But right now looking back I see the connection very clearly. After all first half a year of a relationship I was just as much an aspie as I am now, yet I didn't have any of the "miscommunications" where I "accidentally" said or did something wrong. So now that I see a big picture I see that resentment IS very much relevent to my behavior, which I simply didn't know back then.

Then the other thing is that back then I never brought up to her that I felt too much pressure. First, like I said, I didn't think it was relevent to anything, and secondly I didn't want to face her reaction to what I bring up. Right now I brought it up because I left to India and she is in USA, so I felt much more comfortable talk about it over the phone half a world away then I would have been in person. And now that I brought it up she said that she never expected me to sit with her while she was watching TV for hours or anything else like that. In fact, she said that my doing that was one thing she DIDN"T like since she doesn't like men who don't show innitiative. So now I realize there would have been an EASY fix: all I had to do is to suggest my own things we can do together, and then I wouldn't feel like she "runs the show" so I won't feel pressure, and this would have allowed me to like her more, and once I liked her more I would be able to "remember" to do caring things. So now I see a very clear picture, but she says it is too late because I am in India and she is in USA. I tell her can't she just believe my word that once I am done with postdoc in India I would be great to her. And her response is that I have been promissing her many things every other week and never kept the promise so she doesn't believe me any more.

Now HERE IS A POINT.

1) Yes I promised her I would change every other week

2) No I did not change

3) Yes I promise the same thing again

4) Yes, RIGHT NOW I would change if she were to give me a chance

I never lied to her. On the surface it seems that part 1 and part 3 are the same. But *I* know that what I promised in part 1 is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from part 3. In part 1 I promised her that I would "control my Asperger" better, meaning put more effort in "remembering" things, or paying attention how I phrase things (since it is only an accident I "misphrased" something that made it sound bad). On the toher hand, in part 3 I say I found a solution for global problem that, once I impliment, I would no longer have to ever do part 1. But she doesn't want to listen to me, she simply said that I "ran out of chances". And I am like how can I "run out of chances"? Chances are not money. So it is up to her how many chances she gives.

In fact, she is right, she gave me a million chances and my complaint is why can't she give me a million first chance. But that is the very thing that frustrates me. How come she EASILLY gave me chance number a milllion and COMPLETELY REFUSES to give me chanvce number a million one. WHy is there such a SHARP line? Is she a computer or something? If chances are like money they yeah it makes sense. If you have a milllion dollars, you can easilly pull dollar number a million out of your packet, but you will never be able to pull dollar number a million one no matter how much you try. But chances are not money! So why can't she be a little bit more flexible? If she was willing to spend nearly two years trying with me, why can't she spare another WEEK to see if I can change?

By the way I will use school to support the point. In school I was given multiple chances for four years and a half (three years in Minnesota and a year and a half in Michgian) and that was why they wanted to expell me because they decided that I take chance after chance after chance and never change. But then when I MIRACULOUSLY found a way to stay in school (I found a retired professor who was willing to take me on as a student), I changed just like I told everyone I would! So just because someone asks for chance after chance and blows it it doesn't mean that that very person can not change at the end.



And that is another thing I don't understand (which I also talked about in other posts). How come the rules of the dating game say that you can transition from stranger to lover but not from friend to lover? Shouldn't friendship be a foundation for a relationship? The fact that ppl choose strangers over friends makes it seem that there are some "rules" that "forbid" them from falling in love with friends and they have to obey these rules, despite their wishes.

I see another pattern. The person who is expected to change, is put in a position of having to grovel. The person demanding the change has all the power, for whatever reason, and maybe a subsurface resentment of this fact is also sabotaging any effort the faulty partner might otherwise make to effect the change. There are gross power imbalances that would cause healthy people in the faulty partners' positions to end relationships. Furthermore, any changes made have to stick for the rest of one's life, with the Sword of Damocles constantly hanging overhead, and for some that might be too much pressure, or too much of an infringement on autonomy.

Once I overheard a woman in a restaurant telling her husband what a no-good sociopath he is, and that she was going to get a lawyer, and what would happen to the house, etc., and he had nothing to counter with. I came away from that feeling fortunate that I get to spend my time discussing more worthwhile things like engines and energy. Maybe she was being serious, maybe she was just being manipulative, but in any case it seemed rather pathetic. I can see how it might become uncomfortable if one person in a relationship gets too much of the negotiating power, and I guess some of these guys need to grow a pair and take back some of that power by expressing that they understand it's not the end of the world if the relationship ends.

I have been somewhat resistant to changes even I know are good, in non-romantic relationships. I have to want to do it on my own and see my own reasons for it or it won't last. Howmuchyouwannabet the weight comes off the OP's husband shortly after she leaves him, if she does?

Life-long monotony made some sense back when people lived 10-15 years after sexual maturity. But a relationship isn't going to last 40-50 years unless both partners are working hard at it most of the time. I'd recommend moving out for a trial separation. If he is serious about wanting to re-build the marriage, make it clear he needs to lose a fair amount of weight.

But bear in mind, the love you feel for a new partner will fade out in 3-4 years and if you don't transform that into something that can sustain both of you long-term, you'll have to leave that person.

This is not what I meant. I usually do fall for friends and friendship to romance isn't that hard of a transition. However, when you start feeling like a sibling to your partner that is completely different. It is romance to friend. It's the degeneration of a romantic relationship. It means that there is absolutely no romantic spark between the two of you any longer. I haven't really had the opportunity to try to change such a relationship back to romantic because my marriage ended in such a state. But it seems to me that it would be very very difficult. At the end of my marriage my husband felt like my brother or cousin or just a completely platonic (gay?) room mate. You know.. someone who I wouldn't fall for in a million years. Someone who I live with and can watch tv and eat popcorn with.. but not my partner. How to get that back? Like I said I don't know but I'm convinced it would take a lot of effort on his and my part.

HAHA!

I *think* you meant "monogamy," but you're still spot-on.

If you've made it clear what your concerns with the marriage were and he chose not to respond, then you need to get out, and you'll be better off without him. A marriage can't work without a competent adult approach to conflict resolution. Ignoring your spouse's concerns until they decide to leave is the opposite of that.

Roman, no, you don't deserve another chance. You had your chance. You blew it. You deserve to do whatever work you need to do with yourself to make sure you don't make the same mistakes in the future if you ever find yourself with someone else, nothing more than that.

You know what they say..."you should love someone for who they are inside, not outside". I know this is easier said than done, because most of us are guilty of it. I do think that if the OP really loved her husband, the weight issue wouldn't matter.

I disagree. When my now-ex bf gained weight, I was no longer attracted to him physically - in fact, I was more than a little repulsed. Because of his weight gain, my ex was ashamed of his body, and our sex life became nonexistent. That was actually a bit of a blessing, because his extra weight turned *me* off sexually (I'm only attracted to thin/fit men, and always have been; my ex was extremely thin when he and I had first met), as well. I had no desire to remain in a sexless relationship, so I broke it off. I loved him as a human being, though, and still do; we have the utmost respect for one another, and are still best friends.

Are you suggesting that the OP ought to remain in a sexless marriage out of a sense of guilt (duty, "honor," etc.)?

Well here's another example of a woman who certainly would not want to have sex with a partner who's bloated and smelly, and spends all his time in front of the TV!

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80784895/