Mood swings and relationships.

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It wasn't just that. It was the stress of working, and absolutely hating every minute of the job, literally counting down the minutes as soon as I got there, and taking bathroom breaks due to stress. That was just the tip of the iceberg.

And by the way, I'm not a child, I'm 26, which is why I feel I"m at a point where I don't need a stranger who is getting paid and still doesn't give a sh*t to nod at the right times. My last therapist was supposedly an "Asperger Specialist" and the extent she knew about Aspergers was just that she blamed every single issue of mine on the Aspergers and talked down to me.

You'd have a better chance of seeing Chuck Finley at a Tawne Kitaen Film festival than ever seeing me in a therapist's office again. Like I said, if things get that bad again, my psychatrist is on call, and actually cares and knows more than a shrink.

WHOA. That is horrible. You never have any business being offended with someone for not having sex with you. That is seriously messed up.

You can talk to your psychatrist then, thats good, I was worried that you didn't have a person to talk to when things get hard. Would your psychatrist be able to help you with learning body language? I ask this because body language is hard to learn and most of us Aspies have trouble with it at one piont or another.

I wasn't implying that you are a child, I was identifying with your parents and how they would feel if you had succeeded in your suicide attempt. As a parent, I couldn't imagine how awful it would be to lost my daughter to suicide - I would literally do anything I could to prevent that.

My only point in responding to your post was to let you know there are competent therapists who do care and can help. If you're not up for it, so be it.

The other problems were that her and I hit it off immediately. I mean from the first conversation on facebook, she even told me later on that she left thinking "Wow, I met a great guy" and I felt the same about her. We spent the next night or the night after talking without any awkward pauses on aim from about 10 at night to 6 in the morning, then talked on the phone for the few weeks before we met. By then, we'd already knew a lot of personal things about each other.

On one hand, this might not have been avoided anyway, because who were we to know that after a few dates the rapport would fizzle out? On the other hand, I learned with other first dates, in person, and from also talking to women on dating sites, that you can have a rapport without sharing each other's life story and throwing your hand on the table too soon.

As for the therapist...I have other reasons for not wanting to see one. I don't have any major "problems." I'm usually happy or at least "ok," I don't leave the house and have anything "stressful" to worry about...the idea of wasting someone's tax dollars going around trying to find an exception therapist who actually cares and knows about aspergers without having a superiority complex about it doesn't appeal to me. And I'm also proud of the fact that I haven't seen a therapist in a year and a half. Makes me feel like a stronger person.

Ok, so what does your psychiatrist say about the suicidal bits?

He thinks that partly because I was left out at a young age, and partly because of the Aspergers, I'm learning the rules of life in my mid 20s, and that I'm a sensitive person who when he forms close relationships expects the same given back in return, even though in reality it doesn't always work out that way. He also thinks part of it is that even taking the right medicine, there is an occasional "off-day." He thinks that instead of thinking "Everything's hopeless" to find a new way of dealing with the stress when it comes, as at the end of a relationship. He also thinks it's good that I'm finally finding things I like other than woman or wanting to find the right girlfriend, that way even if something goes wrong, I have a foundation. When I was dating her, she was all I cared about other than my family, and frankly, remembering my family and the relationship I have with them was a big reason why I easily put the pills down and immediately thought twice about overdosing. Now, with some hobbies and new good friends on top of the family relationship, he thinks I should be better in the future, and if not, to seek him out as soon as I see the warning signs instead of after.

Last edited by therange on 11 Nov 2009, 8:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

Your psychiatrist sounds like a pretty smart guy.

Ok, so I'm no longer clear on what the question is that you're asking with this thread. You have a good psychiatrist and you want nothing to do with any other mental health professionals. That's fine. What exactly is it that you expect internet strangers to help you with about the suicidal tendencies that your psychiatrist can't do?

The original question was not about suicidal tendencies. It was how I am supposed to handle the stress that comes with something as big as a break-up, considering I want to fall in love eventually and things don't always work out. While my psychiatrist is right...to seek help before it becomes too big of a problem, my problem is that I can sink to rock bottom out of nowhere. Sometimes there are no "warning signs." And what I'm wondering is, obviously I want women, want a girlfriend, and want to date in the meantime before I find a compatible girlfriend, what you guys have learned as far as NT rules of dating and how to adjust to that dating life.

One coping skill I already mentioned is just being casual, not rushing in, and trying to make a connection without the life story. But that can only last so long. If it lasts a few dates and becomes serious, then things have to come up. The Aspergers can be easily avoided...I can dismiss it as social awkwardness and brutal honesty without the Asperger label, but when you form a connection after a few dates, it becomes more than "what's your favorite TV show?"

The other coping skill I've come up with on my own is gauging the other person's interest level instead of hoping the person likes you as much as you like them. To be reaistic, and as someone else said, seeing things coming a mile away.

I'm wondering about other coping skills as dealing with relationships, and how I can re-enter the dating scene without freaking out eventually.

You've just described some really good suggestions.

I'd strongly recommend you figure out what the false thinking was that led to you getting resentful over your ex's choices of how far she wanted to go with you sexually. That kind of thing is always going to mess you up.

She knew I was a virgin before we even met, and on the first date after fooling around, she said "We're going to have sex, but I need time to get over my ex, can you wait a month or two?"

So we dated about a month, she lost interest because she was just looking to "date" after being in a serious relationship, and I made the rookie mistake of trying to make her my girlfriend. Wasn't really a mistake, was just that we wanted different things. So of course, when she lost interest in me when I wanted a relationship, she wasn't going to have sex with me knowing I liked her and would likely get attached.

It was bad timing. It was likely if she had just been straight-up single when we met, no recent long term relationship, we would have just had sex within the first few dates, in which case, looking back on it, I would have got attached anyway and made the same mistake of trying to make her my girlfriend, only now I would be able to say "I'm not a virgin" which isn't a big deal anyway.

Ok, so where does the resentment come in?

Not mad her, was mad at the situation. That she was so adamant about having sex, then didn't want to anymore. Was also mad that she'd had sex with less deserving guys. I eventually realized it was just bad timing...if she hadn't have been hung up on her ex-boyfriend of 3 years, it's likely we would have had sex a lot sooner. Couple that with the fact that I kind of blew it on my own anyway by being too demanding and wanting to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and after that she wasn't going to have sex even as friends knowing we'd get attached. I just wasn't fully aware of male/female relationships and how quickly they can end despite a fast start.

these books may help you

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Embracing-Uncer ... 059&sr=8-3

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Feel-Fear-Guide ... 059&sr=8-6

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Feel-Fear-Anywa ... 59&sr=8-11

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Mend-Your-B ... 166&sr=1-7

http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Make-Anyone ... 204&sr=1-1

This is the part I've been getting at. It's definitely being mad at her / resenting her, and it's really twisted. Whatever messed up thinking got you there is going to continue to cause you problems in the future unless you identify the mistaken thinking and correct it.

Bear in mind, folks in the spectrum are emotionally immature. You're 26 years old physically, but not 26 years old emotionally. I have the same problem: 29 years old, but i think my emotional age is 15 (so its like going through the teens again . . . as if the hormones/mood swings weren't bad enough the first time around). As for finding a specialist, check to see if your state has a Autism support group because theyre often in touch with ASD Psychology specialists that will understand what you're going through and help you out (eg. North Carolina's TEACCH program). Trust me, i went through the same thing to a degree (though wasnt lucky enough to get into a relationship long enough to actually miss the person), but at this point, I just dont go looking. If im meant for someone, i'll bump into that person . . . if not, awe well. Life has no guarantees, so why bother putting effort into something that has a slim chance of happening. A relationship cant be found . . . it just happens.