inability to feel loved

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I don't understand. how could actions transfer feelings? you could only do that by injecting someone with a cocktail of oxitocin and whatnot. and still, the feeling would not be directed anywhere in particular.

ok then its a matter of my phrazing. I will try again

I have an inability to tell if someone loves me from their words or actions as I cant 'read' their truthfulness or if they have other reasons for saying those things. I think it stems from a lack of trust, poor gesture/facial reading and bad choice in partners.

ah haaa! now it makes sense :]

To a certain extent, I think that's what happens. The actions of another person can cause your body to release oxytocin, so in a sense the person has injected you with it. When you're on an oxytocin wave, it does get directed somewhere in particular. It gets directed at the person you associate with the release of that hormone. You don't think that in so many words, but the person's actions cause your body to release oxytocin and you connect that feeling with the person.

Interestingly, when taken as a drug rather than released by your body, it does translate as a diffuse "love" feeling that is directed at whatever people happen to be around you. Rather than being directed at noone in particular, it's directed at everyone. MDMA a.k.a. Ecstasy has this effect and so people who take it (I never have) apparently "feel love" coming at them from and directed towards whoever happens to be nearest to them.

then it's the feeling of loving someone and not of being loved.

lotusblossom - I'm totally there with you. I have never been able to accept that someone cares about me or loves me. Romantic or platonic. Partially because (A)it is something inherent in me and partially because (B)people keep proving it by actions.

A. I feel like I am incapable of feeling loved. Its almost exactly what the OP says. Relationships are one sided. I give and I get nothing in return. I daresay that if someone acted perfectly and proved they loved me every day, I may never believe it. I think.. I may have believed it once.. but I was a fool.

B. I cannot possibly know how someone else feels. I just know how I would act if I felt love. And when someone acts contrary to that, it must mean they do not love me, right? If someone would rather hang out with someone else than me or if someone goes out to get themselves food and doesnt think to ask if I want something, they must not love me right? I would never forget them or want to be apart from them if I loved them. (just examples)

Perhaps by this point it has become a self-fufilling prophecy and people give up on me because I can never believe it anyway so why bother trying to prove their love to me?

I also agree with what anna says. Its something in the other person's head and you either believe it or not. I just don't know how to ever believe it.

-edit- I feel like a ret*d writing that ^ it's totally incomplete and doesn't express how I really feel. There's so many levels to this that can't properly be expressed with words.

That's really the baffling part for me.

When I "love" someone I give them affection, loyalty, sympathy, material support, physical pleasure, & companionship

And yet there's always something missing and I have no idea what it is - that's just how I "love" and really all I have to offer - take it or leave it.

Problem is, they always leave it.

I would rather die. People make life so much more interesting. I'd rather get on then fall out with people than be solitary. As long as I don't get physically abused for it.

sometimes I would rather die too.

Im tired of always getting everything wrong and making people angry, Im tired of causeing hurt and being hurt.

I cant *do* family, friends or relationships, I feel its time for me to 'step out of the game' and stop ruining things for everyone else.

it seems to me that I have 3 choices
persist in ruining my life and others by keep trying
give up and be even more solitary
give up and top myself

I shall try the second choice for a bit I think.

I'm going to try the second option too. In fact, as I said to Ryan last night...I'm going to cancel my broadband account today, so I don't spend so long on forums on the internet. I need to think of other things to do with my time while I'm not on that course yet. Let's wish each other luck! *Big hugs*. You can call or text me anytime.

That sounds a good idea smudge

hopefully it will do me good having cancelled my aspievillage and aspievision account, it brings me down so much reading negative things about myself dont think I could do with out the internet entirly though.

good luck smudge and big hugs

I'm sorry I've been so horrible and unsupportive. I hope you find more peace and happiness in your time off the AVs.

[quote="lotusblossom]I shall try the second choice for a bit I think.[/quote]

I think about that sometimes too, actually in my current situation (living alone and not dating) I'm sort of doing it by default anyway.

I have a fishing/diving buddy (who seems to have some Aspie traits) who chose to live his whole life this way.

He's actually got a lot going for him: decent, honest, respectable and materially well-off (nice house, boat, airplane), physically he's tall and at least average-looking.

Since he appears to be such a "good catch", he attracts a steady stream of women (including an ex-girlfriend of mine who broke up with me to date him - d'oh! ) but as soon as the word "commitment" comes up, he says "I'm too selfish" and it's over.

I always felt he was making a really odd choice to stay alone like that, but he seems to be happy with it.

I couldn't see myself adopting that lifestyle, but sometimes I wonder if it's not as bad as it looks.

I know the feeling all too well now... well, my girlfriend doesn't give me "nothing", but she's constantly switching between calling me "the best boyfriend ever" and having doubts about the relationship... I love her dearly, but my mind is taking a beating from this...

Remind me to look you up if I ever break up and move to california...


It's not so much that for me... but I entered into a relationship with the expectation that you're supposed to fall in love before getting in the relationship, leading to the misunderstanding of the century... I had always wondered how two people could go from total strangers to holding hands to making out in a matter of minutes, until it was explained to me that people in such situations didn't necessarily love each other... and although it was explained to me and I understand the idea, the concept of doing anything affectionate or sexual with somebody you don't love still feels alien to me...[/quote]

To clarify this part - I don't mean that my boyfriend gives me literally nothing (although that has happened with certain relationships in the past). What I mean is that there's no reciprocal feeling. I don't feel loved so in essence it is the same as if I love someone who does not love me. It is like .. being in unrequited love all the time.

Does that make sense?

Yeah that makes sense... and I really do know the feeling... I keep on giving and sometimes I feel as though she's just using me, but I know she's not being manipulative like other women I've met in the past, she's just having trouble feeling anything...

But the item that is most crushing (and this is completely my own fault) is that because she keeps having doubts as to whether she ever loved me at all, the feelings I've traditionally had about being unlovable are starting to return... after all, if I were capable of being loved, she wouldn't be having these issues, right? (I know that's not sound logic at all, it's just the thought process my mind is compelling itself to go through now...)