NT girl in a new relationship with an Aspie - need advice!

Post Reply New Topic

Sorry, I only now read your update (I purposefully don't read all the comments, so I can just be clear in my own response).

It is possible he is just being very hard on himself. M is sometimes terribly hard on himself, he gets into a "loop" of anxiety about doing something wrong. i can see a person taking that and simply deciding "alone" is better because what he did was so wrong.

I think in-person is good and I hope it goes well.

Sounds like a lack of confidence. He is partly right; you can only work on yourself.

You really sound like you are making good judgments here, but I just want to give you a word of caution before you see this guy next. You've told him (very succinctly) what it is you need from him, and his response was to refuse to provide what you need. I know he dressed it up in a lot of polite psychobabble, e.g., "I just can't open up to anyone, and if I can't open up to anybody I won't be able to solve my problems....blah, blah, blah." But the ugly truth is that you told him what you needed, and he told you he won't give you what you need. (And for the record, it is not his "inability" to open up - it's his choice to avoid the work necessary to "open up" - which I'm assuming means to offer some level of emotional intimacy. Seriously, he thought it would be different in Japan? Cause that's such an emotionally open country or culture or longitude and latitude? Doesn't make much sense, does it?)

So be very careful if he offers to remain in the relationship, or tries to convince you to go to Japan to "see how it goes" or whatever. If you willingly agree to remain in the relationship from this point forward, you can't expect anything to change - because he's already told you he doesn't want to change. Don't make the mistake that so many women make - refusing to hear what a man says because it's not what we want him to say. Any man who would rather let you go than stay with you to work things out doesn't deserve you. (And I know I probably sound like your mom, but it's really true. He's already told you that your happiness and satisfaction are not worth the time and effort it would take for him to become a better partner. IMO, that makes him a load - and not worthy of you.) Good luck, hon.

[]

I can't find if you've ever said how old the both of you are, but many AS have agreed that they end up marrying much later than average. It takes time to learn to open up, to be comfortable with others, etc.

My husband spent 5 years before we started dating sworn to be alone to "work out his own issues." Prior to that he had been engaged, and broke it off because he realized he wasn't ready.

When we first met, he was still sworn off. It was two years after meeting that he decided to dip his toes in the water again. I was the second woman he asked out after that.

He was 37 when we got married.

Its better that you've heard this now than after moving to Japan or getting engaged. The problem is, he may realize he isn't ready. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to be with you, that means that he doesn't feel he is able to meet your needs. Whether or not that is true is a whole other question, but by feeling he can't, he isn't going to, and yes he is running away, but not necessarilly forever.

My husband readily admits he ran away from his first engagement, but he also feels things turned out for the best for her (she married someone else shortly thereafter) and for him.

A friend of mine married a guy that had run away from her. For a few years.

People aren't perfect, and you need to be somewhat whole before you can be a solid partner in a solid relationship. Sometimes that means time apart before becoming back together. Sometimes that means it will never be.

You can still be friends with him, but don't wait for him. If it is meant to be it will, someday, be. If it isn't, you'll find your prince charming elsewhere.

I wish you all the best. I know you are stunned right now, and hurt, but you are far from the first woman who has encountered this particular pothole on her way to the real thing.

Oh, and here is cyber gallon of ice cream, a woman's best friend in crisis ----------------------------> (passes ice cream)

Hey everyone,

I think being hopeful and wanting to pursue a relationship with this person at this point, would be rather futile of me. I don't necessarily think all him problems relate to his AS - he seems to have some deeper, darker and unresolved issues he must work on alone that I can't even begin to understand.

The sadness I feel now is one for the loss of a very good friend - and how I am soon going to have someone who has been an important part of my life for the last 3 years walk out of it (friendships like that are hard to come by when you're an expat in a foreign country).

As much as I want to be there for him and give him the love he needs, yet won't allow himself....I have to know when the time is right to walk away and avoid myself future pain and hurt. The saddest part is, if he ever reverts back to his 'old self' again - the ship would have well and truly sailed with regards to there being a chance for 'us' again.

Bad timing - the way life sometimes works. Perhaps a blessing in disguise....Better I know now.

I will meet him and talk to him at the weekend. He has much more to say apparently. If a friendship is salvageable I would like to try...More for the fact we have the same social circle. Anything one on one is probably not a good idea. He'll be leaving the country in a few months anyway, and if he chooses to be alone and isolate himself from everyone around him...It's not my place to stop him. Just sad to see someone I care about so much doing this to themselves - but if it's what he feels he needs I am going to just step aside.

Thanks for your reply DW.....Your reply makes a whole lot of sense and I think the situation I am in now is similar to that of your partner...And we are quite young too, only 26.

I think DW's post was much more gentle than mine (sorry if I sounded harsh). The only thing I disagree with is whether you can conclude that he doesn't want to be with you. Again, I don't mean to sound harsh, but this man is making a decision to be without you. You told him you were willing to work out the problems while staying in the relationship, and he chose to end the relationship instead. This is not something that's beyond his control, or due to circumstance. We can talk about his decision in terms of readiness, but again, readiness is all about having the courage to deal with the issues at hand - and this guy is showing himself to be gutless. Should he be gutless? Could he really be the right guy for you some time in the future? I don't know. The only thing I can tell you is that if you absolve him of his responsibility for this decision, you're going to open the door to feeling sorry for him....you can waste a lot of years that way.

So I apologize in advance if I was again too harsh in my assessment - but I've been where you're at. You just can't do all the heavy lifting in a relationship and hope to be happy. Good luck (and good post, DW).

I'm really sorry to hear how the relationship ended Silver Butterfly . What a coward .

I am sceptical how much he means the break, and how much of this is just a manipulative little plot of his. I'm guessing he's probably hoping you'll beg for him back, and forget the whole thing (i.e. go back to the way things were before, where he had it easy). Please don't; you deserve so much better. Take him at his word and move on! This is entirely his loss.

I hope you can still be friends if that's what you want; it might actually be easier to be penpals than have to see eachother face to face, so his move to Japan is probably quite fortunate.

"The only thing I can tell you is that if you absolve him of his responsibility for this decision, you're going to open the door to feeling sorry for him....you can waste a lot of years that way. "

Very true.

I think from the start I gave him too much credit, because he had been my friend so long.

I've been in relationships in the past where emotional baggage was present, and my natural, nurturing nature has always wanted to stand by such a 'good person' - often leaving me drained and feeling used in the end.

As much as I care for him and want to see him happy - I'm not going to try and 'fix' him, or stand by him. I have to put myself first for once, and yes, I think it's his loss more than it is mine.

I'll see what he has to say on Saturday - we will probably communicate in a very level headed manner. I doubt I will be seeing much more of him after this. His friends have expressed they still want to see me. I hate to say it, but I'm starting to think I may have dodged a bullet. Only so much you can do when the person you're doing it for doesn't want to cooperate.

Thanks for all your comments guys - you really are helping me get through this!

What I'm just saying is that I'm exactly like that creep, and that's why women should never try dating a man with AS.

While you may or may not be like the person she describes, any shared qualities between the two of you are not representative of Aspie males as a whole.

OP - don't assume the worst. It could be legitimate; it could be an evasion from dealing with things himself. I don't think anyone here can say either way, honestly. So talk to him honestly, openly, clearly, explicitly. Be firm. And take care of yourself, first and foremost.


M.

OP, you sound amazingly mature for being only 26. Whomever you end up with is going to be a lucky guy - good luck.

Thanks for that!

I'm waiting patiently for the weekend to come and hearing what more he may have to say.

I can't make my mind up right now about everything that's happened so far and am reserving coming to any conclusions - although I've reached several possible conclusions in my head already, I'm just going to wait to see what he actually has to say and take it all at face value.

The most confusing part I have found about the whole thing is that in the whole time I've known him, he's wanted nothing more but to be in a loving, committed and caring relationship. This realization he has recently discovered in his apparent inability to 'open up' may be the honest truth - or it may be his way of protecting himself from further rejection. I know he has been hurt A LOT in the past.

Things don't truly seem to add up.

Well, either way I'll soon find out more at the weekend. I haven't really worked out my own feelings yet, but my gut instinct is telling me to leave him to deal with whatever it is he needs to deal with. I feel unusually close to this person - yet extremely distant at the same time. One good thing about his e-mail is he finally opened up about a lot he has kept to himself for a long time - so on the plus side this vent, or whatever else he needs to say this weekend, will do him some good. It's also going to help me too - better than just being cut off and not having a clue about what actually happened. A good thing to help recover after a break up.

I'm feeling unusually calm about the whole thing. Quite hard to describe really....:/

Calm is good! Enjoy it. Just one thing....I know you two share a circle of friends (I think?), but do you really know what's happened in his past relationships, or do you know only what he's told you? Cause you really don't seem like a heartbreaker to me. Take care.

You make several good points; I would also say that if you choose to pursue him, you can use his email as an example that he is capable of communication and expression. Nothing wrong with using different methods (writing, email, etc) to contact each other, if it satisfies both of your needs.


M.

Best of luck with the meet-up