Bobbins, My advice to you would be go slow, be very realistic and painfully truthful to yourself and your boyfriend.
I'll give you some of my experiences. My husband and I are not NT by a long shot. I don't know what I am. I've done some self-tests and turn out to be more AS than NT but not extremely AS. My husband has been officially diagnosed with ADHD but I wonder if it's not something more.
I love my husband and he, me and we are HOT for each other and fiercely loyal but... we have had a very stormy relationship and found it very difficult.
In the beginning of our relationship, he was so very rigid. He absolutely had to have a routine and a plan for everyday or he'd go berserk! I did not understand this because I have always been somewhat of 'take life as it happens' kind of person and reisist rules and schedules. He would rant at me if I said that I was going to do something and did not do it, even something as insignificant as the laundry! His mind couldn't cope with changes of any kind! He had sleep problems and wanted to keep me awake with him and couldn't believe that I didn't want to share in many of his ideas! He would get quite offended and rant and obsess on all of these issues. Our marriage did not meet his expectations and he could not get over it. He would go to some very faulty extreme conclusions about me and our marriage based on his overreactions about the above situations.
Some of my 'differences' were, I don't express my feelings correctly, my facial expressions don't relay the right message sometimes, I didn't (past tense) like to be touched (not talking about sex, but touch), I didn't like to talk nor listen nearly as much as he does, I don't respond like most women, am somewhat unemotional, not sentimental, didn't like to do things unless there's a logical reason to do them, didn't care a wit about schedules and routines.
I already had children when we met and he was wonderful with them....BEFORE the marriage but with the stress of having an instant family and having his personal time and solitude taken, he was pretty much a washout as a parent to the first set of children, mainly due to his ranting and angry tantrums, not handling stresses well that most people can deal with.
We both crave peace and quiet and are very stressed at noise levels. He is very sensitive to sounds and the slightest sound will wake him with a start.
A large portion of the grief we endured was due to the fact that he could not admit that he had any problem at all but blamed everything, even things that could not possibly be my fault, on me. He would not even entertain the notion that he was 'different' except more intelligent than others. In his view, everyone was like he was and he wanted the world (environment) to change to suit him and he expected me, as his wife, to accomplish this!
After 13 years, alot of fighting, 2 break-ups and much prayer and growth, we are finally getting it together. He can admit now that he has some behaviors that don't necessarily make sense. He finally sees, for the most part, that not everyone is like him, he is a bit unusual. Now that our son has been dx'd w/AS he sees that he and I at least have "shadow-traits". But better than anything has been age. He has slowed down a bit and some of the fire has burned out so he listens better and considers others' needs and views a little more.
You may not have any of the concerns that I have spelled out here. But you should be very realistic, because his chances of changing or adapting alot are probably more slim than that of a typical person. Also, people with AS do think much differently. You need to think about how this will affect you and your kids. Are you a high maintainance kind of woman? Do you need to feel treasured and put on a pedastal? If you do, be forewarned. Many AS individuals find it hard enough just coping with their own stuff. This doesn't mean that they cannot offer anything nor be loving, but it will probably look alot different than you might expect.
On the flip side, you may love him precisely because of his differences and willing to work with him. Just don't make the mistake of thinking that you'll be able to change him significantly. I would recommend that you do alot of reading about AS, fiction and factual and books about relationships. It is difficult because many people have advised me to dump my husband, thinking that he was just a selfish prick but he really wasn't. He just couldn't cope and it took him a long time to adjust. (over a decade!)
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"Honey, would you buy me some boobles for my 40th b-day?" "No way, they're too expensive. Your own baubles will have to do."
02 Mar 2006, 5:49 pm
