Advice for Aspies Interested in Dating NT Women

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I did read your whole post, Captain_Kirk, and your amplification in this post only underscores that I did understand you. IMO, it's ridiculous to suggest that you're a fool if you act like a gentleman - just as ridiculous as suggesting that you should let your partner walk all over you. I don't agree with drawing the line at being "chivalrous" or "a gentleman" - it's much more about being in a relationship where respect is mutual.

It's kinda awkward to be in the position of defending him, but I don't think he's an a**hole. He's only been recently diagnosed with AS, and consequently, he pretty much has a lifetime of coping behaviors (some of them not too healthy or helpful, as far as relationships are concerned) to evaluate, un-learn, and replace with healthy behaviors. I was willing to help him work through all that....but I didn't have that opportunity.


I'm actually just glad I learned what I did. Believe me, the conclusions I drew (in the vacuum of information) were much more painful to me.


Well, he's welcome to offer his side of the story. I tried to be fair, because I wasn't trying to slam him....I just thought other people might be able to learn from our experience. I don't hate him, I certainly don't want to hurt him....obviously I don't agree with his decision. But it's not really my place to agree or disagree, is it?

Having Asperger's is no excuse for letting the future of your relationship depend on immutable unilateral criteria. Compromises are essential. There simply is no I in relat...oonsch...ap.



It seems like you're looking for an excuse not to see him as an a**hole because you still love him too much for that...



Sometimes people make decisions that just aren't fair to all parties involved. If the way you remember things really is what happened from an objective point of view, it seems he just wasn't being fair to you.

Dude, that's hilarious.


I don't know....maybe. I was very angry with him when he broke up with me, because he didn't tell me about his "emotional processing delay" - I had to kinda pull that out of him several days later....and it was pretty much the most pertinent information to the whole relationship (it certainly had the most impact). I still have strong feelings for him..but I really don't know how much all of this is about AS, how much of it is personality, maturity, willingness, damage from past relationships....I really don't (trust me when I say that's very frustrating). I don't know if I'll ever know those answers, but until I do, I guess I'm not willing to play the a**hole card. I do get the impression that he's honestly struggling to do the best he can, and although it's not producing the result I'd like, I don't want to disrespect the effort.


I sure wish he would have given us a chance. At the risk of sounding like a whiny b***h, I feel cheated. What can I say? He called me "darling" and it made me melt. I could have listened to him call me darling for a long time, and not grown tired of it.

It seems like it's time for you to move on an pick up another Aspie

That doesn't make any sense at all to me... why would people repeatedly risk heartbreak on another person that they don't even know, much less someone they wouldn't have any idea as to compatibility?

Well I tried my best, and apparently my best isn't good enough...

Toad, people risk heartbreak because there's always the chance that this one will be "the one" - it's not much more complicated than that. I was actually very compatible with "my" Aspie, we liked each other, we respected each other, we were attracted to each other....if I was more conveniently located, we'd still be together. I guess my point is that none of us can guarantee the outcome of a relationship, and every relationship you have fails until you find the one that doesn't. If you stop looking, though....you're guaranteed to be alone.

Yeah, I don't know about that. I certainly wasn't looking for a relationship...I just happened to connect with him. (Although in considering my past relationships, I think my ex-fiance could have been an Aspie.) I don't know that I'd try it again....I got blindsided, and I'm not sure what I could do to avoid that in the future.

Fair enough, I guess. I definitely don't like the fact that I can't guarantee success, but I guess it's unavoidable at this point. Nor do I ever intend to stop looking. But if I kept trying every time with a woman before I got to know her, I would be exposed to a lot more heartbreak than I do now, which is what doesn't make sense to me... why do people keep leaping before they look?

I've been thinking about this....I'm not objective about him. I invited him to look at this thread and comment, if he'd like. Although I tried to be fair to him with what I wrote here, I don't know if I have been.

I'm not in his head, so I can only judge his actions - and he's apologized over and over. I believe he's genuinely sorry that he hurt me, and I don't think he hurt me intentionally. His identity as an Aspie is very new....I know he's learning what that means as he lives each day, and he's making mistakes. Because I acknowledge his mistakes doesn't mean I don't hold him accountable for integrating his new knowledge about his Aspie-ness into the decisions he makes, into his relationships, into his behaviors. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but I don't think I would have been willing to be with him if I didn't feel compassion for him. I never expected him to be perfect, or to be the world's best Aspie or anything. I would have liked to be with him as he discovered how to navigate this new identity, but that doesn't seem possible. I don't know how much my disappointment about that has influenced what I've written, or how much my feelings for him have influenced how I've processed what he's done. I guess I've got to go with my gut, and I think he's basically a decent guy.

One thing I learnt is that I often appeared selfish to my BPD (ex)girlfriend while she appeared selfish to me even though both of us felt we were doing a lot of effort for each other..... So he may see things totally differently...

If you listen to common sense (logic) and intuition (instinct), there is little else you can do.

Hope, desire, opportunity, a willingness to sacrifice - sacrifice is giving up something good in the hope of something better. Note that there is no promise or guarantee in there... one must be willing to risk.


M.

Hope- From reading this thread, I get the impression that you still feel very emotional and upset over your relationship you had with this man. I can imagine that it's hard to look at things from an objective perspective when you still feel the way you do.

Something I've found helpful in relationships in the concept of acceptance. People are what and who they are. Either you are ok with them being the way they are, including their aspie traits, or this will bother you. I think all too often people will confuse a desire to help someone, a sense of pity, as true feelings of attachment and love. They are not the same thing. Imagine that you had just been diagnosed with something, and that the person you were dating viewed this thing as a limiting disability, as an explanation for behaviors you have which they didn't like. Imagine then that the person wanted to help you with this particular issue.

Then consider how you feel about being the way you are. Maybe you don't consider it to be an actual disability, an actual problem. Maybe you view it as more of a quirk than anything else. How would you feel if the person you were dating found your quirkiness as a problem you have, that they want to help you fix, that they may feel sorry for you over? This could be some of what is going on in his head. I am not him, nor do I know him, but I am describing how I would feel if I were dating someone and they were describing me and my AS traits the way you are discussing the man you were in a relationship with.

I certainly wouldn't want some one to feel sorry for me or have a sense that they needed to help me with the way I am in order to improve me. I am who I am. Either accept me, or you can find other people that are more compatible with you. It wouldn't offend me if someone decided that I wasn't right for them. It would simply save both of us a lot of headache.

Orange_rabbit, I appreciate your input - I realize it comes from a good place. Rest assured, I wasn't trying to fix "my" Aspie, help him, or pity him. Much to the contrary - if I could have special-ordered a man, it would have been pretty close to him. He's smart, funny, successful, ambitious....and he's hot as hell. In addition, he's actually willing to challenge his own perspective....and he listens to me - he actually listens. We share the same values, and from what I've learned so far, he has good character. While I don't think he considers himself to be a typical "alpha" male (not into sports, not super competitive, etc.), I think he's very secure in his own masculinity, and I find that very attractive.

I don't view his Aspie-ness as a disability - I view it as a difference in the way his brain works. I realize that difference has an impact on him and the way he functions, and I'd expect it to have an impact on me as his partner. I didn't see any value in believing or behaving that he's NT (although he functions very well in the NT world). I wanted to learn what he needed to be comfortable - to be himself - in a relationship with an NT partner. So I wasn't trying to cure him or improve him - I thought he was incredible and I completely accepted him. My acceptance, however, doesn't absolve him of his responsibility to communicate. Being NT doesn't make me psychic....I don't have any innate sense of what it's like to be Aspie. That makes it incumbant upon him to teach me, and to be patient with me while I'm learning.

We became emotionally intimate - way too quickly. The LDR nature of the relationship made it so much easier (for me) to become emotionally intimate because the distance provided a kind of protective barrier. I was more open with him in a much shorter amount of time than any other relationship I've had, both because we "clicked" and because of the distance. Unfortunately, I think that level of intimacy ultimately overwhelmed him. I think he started playing out scenarios in his head that I hadn't even thought of....and that introduced a level of pressure and anxiety I didn't even know existed (I sure didn't know he was feeling it). Unfortunately I feel like now that we're broken up, I finally understand what he was going through. I wish he would have been able to find a way to tell me, but I don't think he truly understood what was happening either. I still hope we might be able to find a way to start over, and take things at a more comfortable pace. Whatever happens, I certainly wasn't offended that he broke up with me - I was heartbroken.

Last edited by HopeGrows on 25 Dec 2009, 12:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

There should be more women like you.