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how can I make a bad relationship work?

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lotusblossom
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31 Dec 2009, 12:39 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
We get addicted to the endorphins that bubble up when we are in a relationship with someone. At some point we forget that those feelings reside in ourselves, and not coming from the person that we are in a relationship with. But we see that other person as the source of those feelings and no matter how horrible the actual relationship is, we want to cling to what we see as the source of those fuzzy wonderful endorphins.

But they are not the source. You are the source. I agree with LonerMutant, Get yourself another boyfriend. Those endorphins will bubble up again and you might not have to wade through all that idiocy just to feel you are loved.

Merle

(been there, done that, went on numerous tours and have a tee shirt from every one made into a quilt! :D )


I dont ever feel loved in relationships, I find it too hard to read people to tell if they love me.

But I think what you describe as 'overcome with endorphins' is how Tom feels, I think he thinks he loves me because he has not had a serious relationship before and I think he mistakes hormones for a more real love.

I dont think I would love someone else, Ive not met someone who has the same interests and values and is attractive and nice like how he is, I dont think I would find someone else like him.

I think most of the problems in the relationship come from me not being good at relationships, somewhat ambivalent and not very tollerant of others company. I would carry these problems into any relationship.



0_equals_true
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31 Dec 2009, 12:40 pm

To be honest I don't think this board can help you with this problem You need to sort it out amongst yourselves.

This is great for general advice but when it gets to the point where parties are using the board to mediate, that definitely is a problem.



lotusblossom
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31 Dec 2009, 12:44 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
To be honest I don't think this board can help you with this problem You need to sort it out amongst yourselves.

This is great for general advice but when it gets to the point where parties are using the board to mediate, that definitely is a problem.


We cant sort it out ourselves, we need others opinions.

I dont have any friends in real life to ask the opinions of. Tom doesnt have anyone he can ask, his family are strict christians and his friends have not had relationships.

It helps me/us to think about what we really want and what really bothers me to hear others view on things.



lotusblossom
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31 Dec 2009, 12:47 pm

dddhgg wrote:
lotusblossom wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
But they are not the source. You are the source. I agree with LonerMutant, Get yourself another boyfriend. Those endorphins will bubble up again and you might not have to wade through all that idiocy just to feel you are loved.


Yeah that might work... if she knows a guy like that who is willing to be her boyfriend...


yes ToS, He is the first person to meet my high standards of similar interests and values, who I fancy and reciprocates interest ever! Ive not met someone like him before and Im unlikely to again. And Im sure if i did meet someone with all the positives and no faults, I would still be annoyed by them and find fault.


But isn't it extremely frustrating and disappointing to find that even this level of similarity doesn't guarantee a good relationship? I'm afraid I'd never recover from such a thing.


Yes I feel that if I cant make it work with Tom then I cant make it work with anyone, we really have similar values (and my values are unusual) and similar interests and both lust for each other like mad. I dont think there is a garuntee that if I met a more cold INTJ aspie that we would get on any better.



0_equals_true
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31 Dec 2009, 1:13 pm

lotusblossom wrote:
We cant sort it out ourselves, we need others opinions.

I dont have any friends in real life to ask the opinions of. Tom doesnt have anyone he can ask, his family are strict christians and his friends have not had relationships.

It helps me/us to think about what we really want and what really bothers me to hear others view on things.

Yes but you are fielding for answers with mixed messages. Ultimately no one can sort it out besides you two, and it is your responsibility respectively. Or otherwise one of you needs to make a decision to end the relationship.

What I am saying is in my opinion you are taking the board beyond it is natural use. It is fine for opinions and explanations, but it is not a substitute for person to person mediation.



lotusblossom
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31 Dec 2009, 1:31 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
lotusblossom wrote:
We cant sort it out ourselves, we need others opinions.

I dont have any friends in real life to ask the opinions of. Tom doesnt have anyone he can ask, his family are strict christians and his friends have not had relationships.

It helps me/us to think about what we really want and what really bothers me to hear others view on things.

Yes but you are fielding for answers with mixed messages. Ultimately no one can sort it out besides you two, and it is your responsibility respectively. Or otherwise one of you needs to make a decision to end the relationship.

What I am saying is in my opinion you are taking the board beyond it is natural use. It is fine for opinions and explanations, but it is not a substitute for person to person mediation.


well I have already terminated the relationship, we have not seen each other for nearly a month. but neither of us are happy with that.

Of course its mixed messages, as it all is confusing and complicated, i would not need help to straighten my thoughts if it was not mixed and complicated.

I dont expect anyone to sort it out, I just want to talk about it with people and get their views as its hard to think clearly about it with out any outside thoughts on the matter.

if the thread annoys you, you are not obligated to read it.



eck
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31 Dec 2009, 2:02 pm

It's not so easy to find someone that fancies your interests AND you AND whom you love.

I question the practice of throwing people away who are not exactly perfect in every way. You will never find someone who is.

Is there any way you can sit down and negotiate with him? He obviously cares for you - even if it's more than you want.

Could you write down for him exactly how much time you ARE comfortable spending with him, how much physical and emotional contact you want and need? Tell him that the extra stress this year exaggerated your need to be alone and you need him to accomodate you.

Like a contract. Not very romantic but very clear.

If it stresses you when you don't know his needs because of your problems with TOM, maybe you could find a way for him to be explicit about them.
He could write down what makes him happy and comfortable in your relationship. And maybe you could even suggest a schedule for doing at least some of those things, so it's not a surprise or a vague unknown how and when his needs are met.

If you don't figure it out this time, you will most likely have the same problem in the next relationship.

I wish you the best. Sorry if I sound harsh.



0_equals_true
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31 Dec 2009, 2:05 pm

Doesn't annoy me, was trying to be helpful.

Doesn't seem like there has been much meaningful reconciliation going on.

The only advice I can possibly give with my limited knowledge is to be conscientious/proactive and not get swept up pseudo-ideals.

If somebody asks a question, people with try their best to answer it the way they understand. But what the question relates to if anything is anybodies guess.



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31 Dec 2009, 2:11 pm

eck wrote:
Could you write down for him exactly how much time you ARE comfortable spending with him, how much physical and emotional contact you want and need? Tell him that the extra stress this year exaggerated your need to be alone and you need him to accomodate you.

This is what I mean by being conscientious and proactive.

I would want to have respective time alone in relationships, and this would be a condition of a relationship. However lotusblossom had some qualms about this in the ‘weekend relationship’ thread, so I do know really about them.



lotusblossom
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31 Dec 2009, 2:16 pm

eck wrote:
It's not so easy to find someone that fancies your interests AND you AND whom you love.

I question the practice of throwing people away who are not exactly perfect in every way. You will never find someone who is.

Is there any way you can sit down and negotiate with him? He obviously cares for you - even if it's more than you want.

Could you write down for him exactly how much time you ARE comfortable spending with him, how much physical and emotional contact you want and need? Tell him that the extra stress this year exaggerated your need to be alone and you need him to accomodate you.

Like a contract. Not very romantic but very clear.

If it stresses you when you don't know his needs because of your problems with TOM, maybe you could find a way for him to be explicit about them.
He could write down what makes him happy and comfortable in your relationship. And maybe you could even suggest a schedule for doing at least some of those things, so it's not a surprise or a vague unknown how and when his needs are met.

If you don't figure it out this time, you will most likely have the same problem in the next relationship.

I wish you the best. Sorry if I sound harsh.


not harsh at all, I agree, I think I will have the same issues in any relationship. especially with the theory of mind stuff, I think it is to do with me as even if someone says 'I think/feel x' I dont know if they are saying the truth, also its hard to relax when someone is in your home and just 'let be' its hard to let go of hosting and constantly trying to make them happy.

Weve tried limiting visits and calls to what I can stand but it does not meet his needs and he pushes for more time. We mostly do what he wants to do and Im ok with that if its just on weekends, the problem is he is someone who wants a normal relationship rather than an extended friends with benefits one. I think it would be very limiting for him to never live with someone and have a proper family.



lotusblossom
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31 Dec 2009, 2:21 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
eck wrote:
Could you write down for him exactly how much time you ARE comfortable spending with him, how much physical and emotional contact you want and need? Tell him that the extra stress this year exaggerated your need to be alone and you need him to accomodate you.

This is what I mean by being conscientious and proactive.

I would want to have respective time alone in relationships, and this would be a condition of a relationship. However lotusblossom had some qualms about this in the ‘weekend relationship’ thread, so I do know really about them.


he knows how I feel so i dont see how it would make a difference writing it down. Before we started dating I said I only wanted a relationship where we met every fortnight and emailed every other day (or some such) but he did not fully understnd that or the implications, he is niave and poor at predicting outcome.

we want different things, I want to be mostly alone and he wants to be mostly together, i cant see how that can be reconsiled. He will agree to come only at the weekend but when i tell him to go home he will be sad and send me angry texts at having 'thrown him out'.



0_equals_true
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31 Dec 2009, 2:36 pm

Ok then that makes sense. It probably can't be reconciled, no unless one is more malleable/indifferent.



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31 Dec 2009, 2:38 pm

lotusblossom wrote:
I love my ex boyfriend very much but things are often not good between us. Often he says spiteful things which upset me and he can be quite selfish. He says I make him happy when we are together but often I feel very stressed and bad about myself. I can also be hurtful to him and very grumpy. I dont like my routines interfered with and I need more time alone and get grumpy when i dont have enough alone time.

Ive had a very very hard year, with problems with my neighbours, moving house, studying an msc, problems with social services, problems with my autistic kids challenging behaviour, pets dying, problems with friends etc. So Ive not been on good form myself and have been in general very stressed and struggleing emotionally.

Ive recently gave up smoking (after having started again in august) and that was very hard and made me very grumpy and stressed. My ex boyfriend was not good about giving me enough alone time to give up smoking easily and put added emotional pressure on me.

I very much love my ex boyfriend but I dont know how to make a relationship work, we are both very different and have a different way of veiwing the world and reacting to the world. Im very much the text book aspie, aloof, rude with low theory of mind, where as he is more shy, quiet and sensitive. We have the same interests and values which is very important to me.

It hurts a lot not being with him and makes me feel like Im dying and sick, I feel very sad not being with him. But I feel very distressed haveing a relationship with him as well so I dont know what to do.

(I dont want to have couples councilling as I cant sort out childcare or afford it at present)


Block him on facebook, email, etc. Delete his old email messages. Block his number on your phone. And if he send you an email - delete it without reading it. Ignore him. HE BLEW IT! These are all good ways to get over an ex.



lotusblossom
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31 Dec 2009, 2:49 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
Ok then that makes sense. It probably can't be reconciled, no unless one is more malleable/indifferent.


:( I agree



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31 Dec 2009, 3:28 pm

lotusblossom wrote:
Ive recently gave up smoking (after having started again in august) and that was very hard and made me very grumpy and stressed.


Dearheart, your question itself is an oxymoron. A bad relationship can't work - 'not working' is the definition of a bad relationship.


About the smoking thing - I recently decided to give the electronic cigarette a shot - no burning tobacco, no gummy tars to clog the lungs, no real smoke, actually, just a flavored warm water vapor that feels and tastes like smoke when you inhale it and carries a bit of nicotine, much as the patch or nicotine gum do. It's not marketed as a smoking cessation product (though theoretically you could wean off the nicotine liquid until you're eventually just inhaling the flavored water vapor itself and nothing else), but a replacement with fewer negative health effects. For me, the actual physical act of inhalation, exhalation and having that little tube to 'fiddle' with has been as important as any nicotine craving (which personally, I've never experienced). I've heard people for years complain of 'nicotine fits' but I've never felt that. After the first fifteen years of smoking, I went from carrying them around all day to leaving them at home and only smoking at night and making that switch never phased me a bit.

Just a thought. If I didn't have my fiddlestick to play with in the evening, I'd be more than grumpy - I'd be dangerous.



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31 Dec 2009, 3:40 pm

Relationships are give and take. They're not easy. It takes alot of mutal compramise for both parties in a relationship to be happy (and it's unrealistic to expect to be happy all the time). Part of that is finding someone that you can love bacause of their faults, not inspite of them.

My suggestion is sit down and write out a list of pros and cons. If the cons of being with this guy outweigh the pros then move on. If you really had more pros then try to work it out but lay down some ground rules.

Arguing isn't always a bad thing. It gives people a chance to voice their side of what's going on. BUT there needs to be ground rules. First of all, no hitting below the belt (ie, name calling, or saying something hurtful for the sake of being hurtful). An argument needs to be constructive, it's a chance to work out a problem and should be viewed as such. Let the past be in the past. Too often times people will get backed into a corner in an argument and start bringing up irrelivant past transgrestions for the sake of gaining ground. Unrealistic expectations are detrimental as well. If you're not willing to change than it's unfair to expect the other person to change (and I understand that being AS makes change difficult, but it's not impossible and even an effort to change should be aprechiated from both people).

Either way, at the end of the day the only person who could repair a relationship is the two people in it. A counselor could help but just going to couple's counseling isn't going to magically fix anything. Like I said, pros and cons... if there's enough pros then try to work it out... if not then move on.