Dating Aspies: Mood Swings, Impulsive Behavior

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Sorry it's taken so long to reply, honestly I wasn't sure what the answer was. I think it's largely a flexibility thing tbh - this morning I went from a happy mood to a really bad mood because I went into the lab to do practical work (I have to do practical work in the lab and written work at home) and the project student had a class cancelled so was already there and using the one machine which isn't broken. Basically I had to come home and work here but now I just feel so stressed and irritable I can't actually concentrate. I guess in relationships it's that combined with disappointment, I probably get too irritable to be able focus on something else.

@Maialideth - I heard a story on NPR yesterday about a company in the suburbs of Chicago (where I live) called Aspiritech. They're a software testing company that hires only Aspies. During the course of the interview, the woman who founded the company mentioned that she patterned Aspiritech after Specialisterne in Denmark. Of course I thought of you - turns out the internet really does make it a small world, doesn't it? Anyway, I thought that was cool.

@Gremmie - Thanks for responding - it was helpful.

@HopeGrows, wow that's so cool. I'll be sure to let my boss know about it.

It's an amazing feeling to know that the work I've been a part of for the last 3½ years can inspire and help other people around the world.

@Maialideth - I agree, very cool. It is inspirational - your company's founder has created a wonderful example that connects with people half-way around the world.

I'm including the link to the story below - definitely worth a listen, so enjoy!

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/stor ... =123567371

Here's an article about our company as well http://www2.macleans.ca/2009/06/04/channelling-autism/

@Maialideth - I read the article you linked. Mr. Sonne seems like an incredible person - what we in the States might call a "true believer." They talked about how unique the business model he developed for your organization is, in that he created his own niche market by identifying his employee's strengths, and then designed jobs to specifically match those strengths. (And it's so unbelievable that your company trains people for five months in order to determine what they do best.) It's really something to be proud of. Hat's off to all of you.

I feel like I have unidirectional moodswings....

Meaning when I'm fine, I'm fine... But sometimes it doesn't take much to just put me in a bad mood... and it can be hard to get out of the funk... so the swing isn't so much a pendulum.

I always figured it was something on par of meltdowns and stress in general... just degrees.

I'm generally fine... but just try not to get bogged down and negative... which leads to obsessing, indefinitely.

I rarely have mood swings, and meltdowns are only once every 4 months.

There are all sorts of issues here, which often overlap.

Aspies detest uncertainty and will actively avoid decision-making and risk (which are essentially the same thing). A decision unmade could still be good or bad. A decision made will definitely turn out to be good or bad. Therefore the only way to avoid bad things is never to make a decison. Massively flawed logic, but it happens.

Aspies aren't stupid. Avoiding decion-making, responsibility and risk means staying in and being boring. Some Aspies are fine with this, others drive themselves f*cking nuts. The boredom and lack of achievement can be soul-destroying. It's a self-constructed prison.

Every so often, I get so overloaded with weighing up options that I will deliberately make a big decision 'on impulse' just to prove that I can, and to break up the boredom. These decsions are often stupid, and expensive. For example I currently own a high-mileage Maserati that I can't afford to run or maintain, because I felt the need to do something daft.

Relationships can be the same. Spend months weighing up the options, and sometimes the homework pays off. Alternatively a new girlfriend can be an Aspie 'project' or even an obsession, all consuming but short-lived.

Understanding people is hard work. Being around someone 24/7 is exhausting and for that reason succesful long-term relationships normally require a lot of space. Which is not to say that the AS partner doesn't want to be with their partner all the time, but that if they do, they'll crash and burn.

This creates all sorts of contradictory emotions and it's very hard to get out of. It's terrible when you know you're shutting down and being distant and confrontational not because you hate someone, but because you can't cope with loving them. Especially as the significant other involved will normally feel upset and angry and will then apply pressure in an effort to resolve the situation, which of course makes it much worse. The guilt and the feelings of failure are unbearable. Advice for partners: tell them that you love them, and that you understand, and that things will be ok and you will wait for them, and then WALK AWAY.

AS being the contradictory condition that it is, the more space you give, the less will actually be taken, and the sooner your partner will be back. It's the responsibility which is the killer. Saying it's ok to be messed up takes a lot of the responsibility and anxiety away. There's nothing worse than knowing you're hurting the one you love, but being unable to do anything about it.

Thank you for your response, Sociable Hermit. You've helped me understand some things that I didn't think I ever would understand....and they were important to me, so I really appreciate your help.

Regarding your comment, "It's terrible when you know you're shutting down and being distant and confrontational not because you hate someone, but because you can't cope with loving them," can you provide a bit more context? I don't understand the coping skill that's required to love someone (I'm NT, so I really don't understand what you mean).

Also, when you say, "There's nothing worse than knowing you're hurting the one you love, but being unable to do anything about it," - I'm having a hard time understanding why an Aspie wouldn't mention his/her dilemma to his/her partner. I guess it seems like such a simple solution to me...."Honey, I feel myself getting really stressed and I need some quiet/private/alone/retreat/whatever-you-want-to-call-it time." Your average NT (with no Aspie experience), couldn't possibly be expected to understand the process you've described, and I'm assuming the Aspie is able to identify the process at work...so why not just talk about it, instead of suffering with the guilt and failure, and forcing your partner take the consequences?

Anyway, I do so appreciate your response - it was very enlightening.

@Sedaka - The part about not taking very much to put you in a bad mood... I get that as well. Best example was when I used to ride the bus to work. I could send a text message to my then-girlfriend, tell her I was on my way home and I was in a good mood because I'd had a good day. But when I got on the bus, often tiny things could turn my mood completely, and when I got home I just needed to lie down and be alone. (Which was difficult for her to deal with, since she wanted my company because we hadn't seen each other all day).

That is a perfect description of the way I felt in the one relationship I have had. Unfortunately, she wasn't very good at giving space.

My meltdowns have gone down to about this rate. The epic meltdowns may happen twice a year. They are extremely hard on my partner, because while he understands what is going on, very few other people do. Alot of people do not get that these meltdowns ARE a part of having an autism spectrum disorder, and while we may try to prevent them, they do happen.

I don't see it as me being impulsive, or mood swings. Usually the meltdown is triggered in some way, but it is preventing something that is triggered from escalating.

Hrmm, I've read through the posts, but I'm going to answer the OP first.

For mood swings, yes they happen, but pretty much only when I get overwhelmed with a ton of decisions or just a few really big ones, OR (and this is much more common) when I run out of things to do. This seems to be my "trigger" for depression, that is to say, boredom. And it's nasty because I'm one of those aspies that has difficulty with emotion, so I don't ever really feel sad or anything. But having absolutely nothing to interest me is crushing, I've spent hours and even days just walking aimlessly, thinking, just for something to do. It's really frustrating because when all of the time when it's not happening I'm extremely active into my interests, almost feverishly sometimes, and it's exhilarating. So, yes I guess you could say I have mood swings, but mostly just between intensity with something and lack of motivation/interest/care about anything. Those seem to be my two modes sadly, not much in between.

As for impulsivity, not much. Once I get "settled in" to a situation then I'm very loathe to leave it. Initially doing something tends to overwhelm me fairly easily. Of course, with the amount of moving I've had to do since I joined the military that's been something of a problem...