Alternative(s) to Typical Relationships

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eh, women tend to be more mature at a given age then men are, but I'm into older women regardless. From my admittedly anecdotal evidence(though I seem to recall from somewhere that this is generally prevalent), aspies tend to get along better with people older than themselves, at least young aspies(I couldn't say for aspies over 40), so it does follow that aspies would become romantically involved with older men/women as well. To be honest, I'm 22 and my youngest real friend(rather than simple acquaintances) is 38.

Regarding age, I find that I tend to be most compatable with women who are 2-5 years older than me.

Hmm. Well, you've got a few years on me. I don't really have the dating experience to say I prefer an age gap of 2-5. To be honest, the person I'm interested in right now is the 38 y/o. I've only dated one person before, and she was younger than me by a couple years. I never really cared for her (she was alright company for brief periods, but too boisterous for someone with hypersensitivity issues), and it didn't work out because of her maturity level, and the fact that she was trying to push me into sex. As a result of this, I decided to end it. I'm guessing she sensed this before I told her, because she got a friend to try to drug me into it(sex), which failed because I don't react to drug's normally.

During the time we dated though, she quit trying to kill herself and is currently working on a nursing degree, so apparently something good came of that bizarre relationship.

It sounds like you have a very mature outlook on the situation (both past relationship and present). If you really connect with someone who is much older than you, I would say "go for it".

Thank you.

And indeed, that is where I am at now. The interest is quite strong and reciprocal. The only issue is that we live a thousand miles apart, and she has health issues. We have reached a point where really furthering the relationship would require meeting, but she is in and out of the hospital quite frequently, which makes it difficult to plan any kind of meeting - especially since we are both very active people, and would inevitably want to spend our time together doing very active things. It is a rare month when she is not in the hospital and is healthy enough to pursue her preferred outdoor entertainments.

It sounds like a dream to me. My long-term ex of many years and I always did best when we lived separately.

it might be a dream, but it might work out as well. She understands me more fully(even the aspie parts) than anyone I've ever known, to include therapists. The most amazing thing is that I've never had to pretend with her. I haven't found that anywhere else. She accepts me.
I understand that such relationships don't always work when you meet, but sometimes they do. There are plenty of success stories about couples who met online, finally met up years later, and hit it off and got married and lived happily ever after. There are also stories of such couples that met one another after being in love for years across the internet, only to completely lack any chemistry. The only way to find out which way we would be, is to meet up.

Speaking from experience, this sort of chemistry is worth the hardships and ridiculous amount of work involved in dating someone who lives half-way across the country.

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm currently looking into transferring schools to live near her(bout 40 miles away near the school) and finish my schooling. I'm not at all attached to where I am. It's rural and the nature is awesome, but the same is true where she lives. I'm not attached to a property here or in debt, so I can move fairly easily. The only thing holding me back is that I'm really struggling with executive dysfunction. It is difficult for me to do even relatively simple thing unless they are in front of me. I've even got a telltale slowing of the frontal lobe of my brain.

May I ask about your experience with a long distance relationship?

Someone I know is in a relationship like that.
It also reminds me of my parents.
My parents have a better than average relationship.
They have never even considered a divorce.
But I am more affectionate than they are, I think.
I'm not talking about the two-houses idea.

Sounds like the two of you lived together at one point, then? If so, what did you find changed/became a problem upon cohabitation? (If it's not too personal a question to ask...)

Side_Kick, I think you have described my ideal relationship.

I live on a boat, which works well for me, because there is a good community spirit but I get my own space too. However I miss having a significant other.

I'd love to find someone with their own boat, so we could moor them side by side. We could alternate which space we shared, and if it got too much we could have some time apart, whilst still being relatively close. If that didn't work then one of us could go boating for a few days and get away completely.

I need space for reflection and recovery - much as I like being with someone I care about, I know from experience that being together all the time wears me out and causes problems. It's also healthy for both partners to have some interests they don't share.

I understand what you are saying about it being "best friends with benefits", but with commitment, not just temporary. That sounds perfect. I do think that most good relationships are like that, though. It's best friends plus a lot more, and for life (hopefully). It's just the way you seek to achieve that which may be different to most.

Since I also need space--for reflection, for recovery, and for my stuff, like my books and files! --I have been thinking about this for some time now...although I've never before considered side-by-side boats! [Great idea, by the way, for anyone who wants to live on water. Not for me personally, but a GREAT idea! ]

There are a number of ways to accomplish this. In the house I lived in before the place I live now, there was what amounted to a "separate apartment"--if you wanted to look at it this way, and we did--within a two-story house. (Bedroom, bathroom, and family room, "down the hall" from the kitchen at the other end of the house.) We were three people then, and we bought the house specifically for that "separate apartment"--which meant privacy when it was wanted, and shared life when that was wanted. It worked beautifully well for us for over ten years. (The third person eventually moved away so he could live in another state.)

But now (for several years now) the two of us have been actively considering how to expand again. (The indications are that our family is getting ready to expand again.)

We've been thinking two things primarily. One possibility is a fourplex or sixplex (so we have income and financial growth, as well as two "free" units for our family). This makes the most financial sense, but it depends (probably) on some financial things occurring that we have no control over.

The second possibily (which is much more immediately accessible) is two mobile homes in the same mobile home park. Since we already live in the mobile home park, and since there are a number of mobile homes in our park which are for sale, we think about this one a lot.

The third possibility (which, to me, would be ideal) is to buy the mobile home park we live in now. We have been thinking about this since virtually the first day we moved in here. It was sold to a new owner about three years ago and the actual sales price (once we checked) was significantly below what we had estimated. There are close to two hundred living spaces here (not quite, but close), and that would mean--after all operating expenses have been deducted--a significant cash flow for financial security. It is--given what we know, and we have been doing some checking--do-able (assuming certain things in the larger world occur--and certainly this could happen over time, given some new potentials which have recently arisen). If we did this, we would create a legal business entity (LLC probably) to "hold" the mobile home park (so that no one living here would know we owned the park, which is important for a number of reasons), but we would retain the present management company (which is doing an absolutely terrific job, especially compared to the three different management companies we have experienced since we moved in here).

But this could begin with simply buying one of the several mobile homes which are always for sale here. (The individual mobile homes sell, but there are always several new listings at any particular time, so there is always a selection.) It is do-able, and would--so far as I can see--meet everyone's needs and wishes in just about every way.

I also know of a number of different situations, all around the U.S., where families with common, but unusual, living patterns (they are nudists, etc.), have purchased homes in the same cul-de-sac, then petitioned the cities (or whoever) where they live to gate their community. The result is, in effect, one combined "family" (sharing the same values) but they live in separate houses. This offers the maximum in privacy, combined with "togetherness," as well as people you know you can trust who are always looking after each other and are always available in need or in emergencies.

This is a really interesting thread, and I think this topic is particularly important to people who are on the spectrum. This whole concept is a way of meeting all of our needs virtually all of the time (including the needs of our children), and in ways that provide everyone with the security, support, comfort, love, privacy, and space we all need.

It is the perfect balance between "togetherness" and autonomy.

Great thread!! !

honestly that sounds like an old married couple who have been together for years and know each other well but are autonomous and still have sex occasionally.

I have thought sometimes it would be nice to be in a triad relationship so I could have alot of time to myself and it wouldn't annoy the other person, because they could just go be with the other person. Sometimes I think this would be ideal for me. But then other times I think it's a fantasy because I am so jealous and how could I cope with my jealousy. Sometimes I watch shows on polygamy and think that would be fun. I want to be one of the 'wives' though...I wouldn't want to be the head person in the marriage (who in my fantasy is a hot butch) who has to keep everyone satisfied and break up all the arguments. I think it would have to be closed, though, with two or three wives, I don't think I could cope with someone constantly bringing in new people and forgetting about me or pushing me back further in the line. Other times I think this is just a lame cop-out of a fantasy I have because I don't want to do the hard work of maintaining a relationship with one person....

Really?? Oh...

That's the point of fantasies though, isn't it? That they might not necessarily seem realistic in practice, but they would/could be ideal? As far as polyamory is concerned, that has to be the most well-thought-out concept I've ever heard on the subject... Most people I know don't consider any clear barriers of any kind, and that's when jealousy becomes a major issue (as well as people's hearts getting trampled on.) Fantasize away, I say!

You may want to look up the relationship between Sarte and Simone De Beauvior. They were mutual good friends and occasional lovers. They shared intellectual interests, both were existencial philosophers and literary figures, and De Beauvior is an important feminist writer (she wrote the Second Sex). I kind of have an obsession with De Beauvior, but one of my obsessions is her relationship with Sarte.

By the way, alternative relationships ARE possible, it just requires a bit of knowledge to get into them and maintain them.