I don't think honesty/dishonesty really has much to do with it initially. I think of it more as strength of character. The popular kids are nearly always the good-looking, smart, and charismatic types. They possess a lot of superficial qualities that people in general tend to gravitate towards.
That doesn't make them good people, and history shows a parade of "great" leaders that ultimately led their people to ruin. The same applies to dating. We tend to gravitate towards the white knights and the princesses in our lives--and they often to each other. I think aspies tend not to possess those kinds of personality traits. Oh, and when I say "personality," I'm referring to the way others perceive behavior. For example, the differences between shy introverts, jerks, comedians, tyrants, cheerleaders, and so on, and I'm only talking about the superficial qualities here. Another example is the way personality traits defy physical appearance. I've known one morbidly obese guy who had full command of a crowd when he walked in a room, and people always wanted to be around this guy. Going strictly on appearance, it's difficult to understand why!
I think dishonest people probably tend to have more credit on first impression because they are more adept at putting up a front. Honest people who ARE able to win people over do so because they can put up the same kind of front. Dishonest and other immoral people, in my opinion, will always be brought down with the test of time. We all probably know at least one person who ended up dating "that guy" and ended up in an abusive relationship. The problem is that the person on the other end is the only one who can see it, being close to the situation, and his friends will always take his side because they can't see past the veil of a charismatic personality.
I think the problem aspies in general have is not being able to reconcile our thoughts or feelings with outward appearance. We're honest, but because some of us have a difficult time dropping hints or handling situations tactfully (part of the reason I can't seem to hold a regular job!), we tend to lose out initially. Though this may be difficult for us, I find it more important to follow some kind of moral compass (the Bible, for instance) rather than being morbidly cheerful and bubbly. Anyone worth being with will see beyond all the fake superficial stuff, anyway, and those kinds of things won't matter.
Any success I've ever had dating came through my ability to isolate someone momentarily from the rest of their world. One of my fondest memories was meeting a stunningly beautiful young lady with albinism. We shared a common problem in that, because she was legally blind and because of my AS, we both felt fairly isolated already and were able to form a very unique relationship. Breaking up was very sad, but it was special in that we only had good memories of it! (Long story about the breakup--suffice it to say I was graduating from college and going back to a world in which I knew she wouldn't belong or ever be really happy. It was for the best, and we're still friends.)
My point in isolating someone is not to exclude them from the rest of the world--just to set up a situation where I'm not under pressure to act out any certain way and just be myself. People tend to like me one-on-one. I have trouble with groups of people unless there are special circumstances, like wide age difference. But I'm always honest. People who don't dig that can go away.
22 Mar 2010, 7:37 am
