With AS, Does no one want to "give?"

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I feel that I give rather freely. At times, it is actually easier for me to give (affection, favors, gifts) than to ask or recieve them in return. For me, I would not expect a partner to give me what I wouldn't be willing to give in return. When I post about what I am seeking in a partner, I am essentially enumerating characteristics that (in addition to finding necessary and or endearing) I would also give in return. In a relationship, it is necessary for it to be a balanced give-and-take set up. At times, one partner may be in a position to give or take more than the other, but it needs to go both ways, and the give-take dynamic can shift between partners based on the immediate circumstances. This is not to say that there will be some things (planning, doing taxes, projects, domestic chores, etc) that one partner or the other may excell at and play more of a leading role. I guess the key is to balance one another out.

I believe in "giving" as a compromise type thing. For example we'll go see your action movie then next time we see the film I want to see. I give his movie/other interest a chance. I learned this in Psych101 the teacher mention to her husband do the dishes and you can ride your motorcycle. LOL! So I think I could give in a relationship my main concern is would a guy understand my beahavior faults/issues since I have many.

I give my husband sex and I take him grocery shopping and I let him play his game and he can watch his shows when I am not using the TV. I have also given him a ride to work because he forgot his ID so he had to run home and get it and he missed his bus. He would be late if he waited for the next one.

Yeeeeaaahhh. I've heard that before. Several times in fact and it never turned out to be true in RL. It's a teen-and-20-something female NT fantasy, as real as Twilight.



And here's the real issue. The very definition of our condition is that we cannot read other people's subtle nonverbal cues and let's face it, few people ever just come right out and SAY what they really want. The more intimate the desire, the more vulnerable it makes them feel, thus even less likely they'll verbalize it.

If you can't pick up on your SO's nonverbal cues and you don't thave the Theory of Mind capability to empathetically imagine yourself in their shoes in order to guess at what they're thinking or feeling, then how the hell are you supposed to become some cooing fuzzy ball of nurturous 'giving'?

And if they do tell you exactly what they want, and it requires dropping your obsessive interest right now to come make them happy...well, that might happen once in a while, but eventually its going to become a major bone of contention.

Aspies are not suited in general to that kind of behavior - not because we have no desire to be good partners - but because our brains aren't constructed to function that way. If you understand the condition at all, I would think that would be obvious.

While I'm hardly selfless, I happen to delight in making someone feel good when I'm in the right mood. And I enjoy being useful. Nothing tells me that I'm useful quite as well as actually being used.

LOL. Just because you haven't experienced someone who truly wanted that, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I am in my thirties, 2 kids, an ex-husband, and its very real for me. In fact, I have found many things that do this, and I continue to look for more.

What I guess I meant with this post is this: I hear a lot of "they need to accept me for who I am. Period." Well, in most cases, people need to adjust to living together. Sharing a life together is just that- sharing. Things change when you are in a relatinoship. You are no longer living for yourself. Going into a relationship, everyone wants things. But I see very little desire to give those things back.

As for not knowing, that's why people need to communicate. THere is nothing wrong with asking "what can I do to make you happier?" or "Is there something I can do to make things easier for you?" In a relationship, these should be HUGE questions to ask and answer. If people don't know what they want (I am sure most people know at least something someone could do for them), then I guess just being there and doing things for them that they normally do is a good option.

I get that impression from the comments of "I should be accepted as I am and not have to do anything differently than what I have always done." and the "this is what I know how to give and won't take the time to learn to give anything else."

But what happens if you ask that question and you get "nothing" as an answer, or no clear answer at all?

I'd be willing to give emotionally in a relationship, communicate etc. But I don't know how & as most people want sex/affection as part of a relationship, I've decided to not pursue a relationship even if ever interested b/c I know I'd only cause awkwardness/pain to any significant other I'd have

Well, I get that from my AS bf a lot. More than I can tell you. So I try to ask specific questions. "would you like me to give you a massage?" "Would you like it if I cooked dinner more often?" (that one turned out to be YES- every night please, LOL). "Would you like to try "whatever you want" in bed?" Specific questions to allow a yes or no answer is great, especially when the relationship is newer and no one is sure how much to expose.

Once again you are talking to a group with an atypical brain configuration and looking down your nose at us for being different than you.

Paranoia. Just because someone questions a though process, it doesn't mean there is a judgement behind it.

Not that its anyone's business, but my EX husband is my EX husband because he physically abused our son. And yes, I do give a lot. In fact, giving energizes me more than anything else I do. It's difficult for me to understand the concept of not desiring that. Some of us are actually here to encourage and achieve understanding, not to be cynical.

Of course I want to give in a relationship. I want someone to love, to dote on, to take places, to do things for.
But I've done plenty of giving to some who don't give in return too. Those relationships don't last long with me.

It's just finding someone to give to and receive love from the is the problem for me, and many others here.

Um, Agreeing with the first point of this. We do have brain disorders. We are not just being difficult because we are wilful. It is hard for many with AS to get through each day, hard to understand the world.

The incredible effort I have to put forth to survive in the world has burned me out at 30. Do I give in a relationship? Yes I do, but because of how hard everything is for me, the ideal setup for me, the least stressful, would be a relationship with as few pressures on me as possible. As would the ideal job be too.

Its a huge problem for everyone, everywhere, IMO.

Um, Agreeing with the first point of this. We do have brain disorders. We are not just being difficult because we are wilful. It is hard for many with AS to get through each day, hard to understand the world.

Maybe I need to clarify. I am not asking if it is easy to read what people want and do those. My question is, do you WANT to do things for your partner? If you knew what was wanted, would you try to the best of your ability? I get the impression, from many, that they wouldn't. Do you want to know what would make your partner happy?