best way to deal with relationship problem

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Thanks Alana for your practical advice

yes he is very impulsive, his AS effects him in a more ADD way and he is not good at controling impulse. Im not sure he will be able to stop himself sending the messages though I will tell him to. I think as well he cant see how they are upsetting, they dont upset him so he cant see how they upset and wont accept that they do, despite me telling him.

Its hard if your someone who has problems getting on with people and problems finding people who you like and who like you. I know I wont find someone who is such a good fit to me as he is, and I would not want to end the relationship over something as petty as texts. We are so happy together most of the time, there are only problems when things go wrong as we are both not good coping with stress and difficulties, its hard if neither of you are the grown up one and are both incompetant in the same ways.

I dont feel guilty about moving on or want a relationship as a self worth prop. I would be quite happy to be on my own and like life on my own, I want to be with him as I like him, he is the first person Ive met who has tempted me to give up my freedom and compromise. I was single for 8 years before I met him, Im clearly able to be on my own and able to turn down people who I dont like. but I like him very much and love everything about him.

yes I am willing to tollerate him sending mean texts, I just thought upon recieving another one yesterday that their might be a better way of dealing with it than arguing/defending/pleading.

I have changed my behaviour lots, he said he did not like me shouting (when i thought I was just talking excitedly) and despite not agreeing I was shouting Ive worked very hard on not raiseing my voice. He also said he felt upset as he did not know how to react when Im distressed or why I was distressed, and Ive worked very hard on trying to say what is upsetting me and what he can do, which is very hard for me as I have trouble speaking when Im upset. But he still gets upset when I slip up and get cross when the computer brakes or similar.

I think the best thing is probably to get rid of the phone as if Im ignoring his texts that are loving or arrangeing visits, then he will be cross about that.

This is a typical "none of the above" response, when someone asks a question they don't really want answered. The whole point of asking for advice is taking on board the general consensus. Too often people expect it to be the answer they want, but then they shouldn't be asking the question in the first place. The fact is this keeps happening and you keep asking the exact same question. You can't say that is not true can you? It is the question I mentioned earlier you should be asking yourself. If you can answer that in a way that reconciles the relationship then fair enough.

Like I said you are not compatible, regardless of blame. How can you like everything about him, and still seek council about his nasty remarks?

yes I like everything about him except how he views me. I cant control how he views me or that he finds me lacking. Have you never wanted really much for someone to love you back how much you love them?

I accept what you are saying about looking for answers that wont be given and about accepting concensus opinions.

How he views you is pretty much the core, that is no minor discrepancy.

It is called unrequited love. Though "love" is a loose word. I have become infatuated with people before, but once you move on you realise what it is. It can be very misleading, I can't say I even like all of them that much or what i was thinking.

I phoned him up to discuss your comments and he was adament that it was ok to say those things in text as they were what he felt and he was adament that I have all those faults. So I have taken your advice and terminated the relationship. He seems to be ok with that and more concerned about it being my fault than about not seeing me.

Well done for sticking to your guns. I would call his bluff and not respond to his messages from now on, in fact it would make you feel better not to read them. Enjoy being single.

Even if there are changes that you might make, it should be a personal thing. You need to be ready, and there needs to be a "how". Nobody changes overnight. Actually there may be plenty you may wish to keep. I'm going to discuss "going against the grain" in my thread "subjectivity of emotions + going against the grain" but first I'm going to talk about "breaking down the wall" as it was requested.

no I could not hold out and have already agreed to try again.

I hope it works out and he alters his behavior. I really related to what you said about how hard it is to find someone who can accept the AS stuff. it really is, and after being single 8 years it's understandable that you would want to hang on to something that you feel is workable. I have been single for 10 and I don't even feel loveable anymore. He may be adamant that you have those faults but texting them is hitting below the belt. Those discussions needs to happen in person...maybe couples counseling might work for you guys. Hugs.

thanks Alana *hugs back*

Im going to the doctor next week for some anti depressants so that might help me.

Ok I've said my piece.

Have you ever read the book Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis, by Eric Berne? Wait, I think you studied psychology, right? I think I saw that on one of your posts...hmmm...so maybe you know it already. Though I don't think it's a standard text. Anyway, I found it helpful for deciphering cyclical types of behaviors and conversations people have and how my interaction can continue or break the cycle. It's a very quick read and very insightful.

Would you be willing to share some examples of what he is texting? Maybe that would make it easier for others to understand why they are so upsetting to you as well as find a way to respond to his texts.

Have you considered that he may have a processing delay? So when he says he's all fine and happy and ok, that may be the way he really feels at the time. It's only when he's had the opportunity to process his emotional response to the situation (which may take a few days) that he realizes he's upset? I don't think the processing delay solves him sending the mean texts, but at least it may be an explanation for why he claims all is well, and then gets upset a few days later.

You'd mentioned in your original post that you weren't sure which to believe: the mean texts, or his dismissal of them as invalid (when you complain about them). I can only respond by saying that everything a person does defines their character....so he's shown you that he's capable of saying some hurtful things to you, and then attempting to dodge responsibility by saying he didn't mean them. Is one of these behaviors really better than the other?

Also, dredging up past issues/problems in the midst of a current argument is fighting dirty - and that's extremely unproductive. There are lots of good books on fair fighting - you may want to take a look in your local library to see if there are techniques that may be useful in your relationship. My concern is that getting rid of the phone is not going to get rid of the problem....why wouldn't he just start sending you nasty emails, or writing you nasty letters? The issue is that he's willing to be nasty with you - not the manner in which he chooses to communicate the nastiness. My other concern is that taking anti-depressants really does nothing to address his behavior (although that doesn't mean you may not need them if you are actually depressed). The resolution of relationship problems takes a commitment from both parties....and it doesn't seem like you have that commitment from him.

re antidepressants, I have got depression at the moment and I thought it might help as I would be less irratable/stressed so less likely to annoy him, more clear thinking so I could tell what was ok and what was not, less down on myself so i could tell what were the correct way to be treated.

I know what he says is spiteful and he is good at being spiteful, where as I tend to be hurtful in an unempathetic, unthinking way, he is often purposeful. I dont think he has a delayed responce so much as he tends to ruminate a lot on things that bug him, he grows them out of proportion and winds himself up. He knows its not good but does it anyway, he needs CBT but is very unmotivated to do anything at all let alone get CBT.

Ive said to him repeatedly that if he does not like certain things I do he should not be involved as they wont change, for example I could change a behaviour such as giving up smoking but its very much more harder to change ones whole personality such as make yourself a quiet wimpy person when your a loud stroppy person. He thinks that telling me Im in the wrong is enough to change me and wont listen to me that people can not change their basic interactional style and why should they when different people like different things and they should just find someone who likes them.

I really dont think he will ever be happy with me, I think he needs someone who is quieter and more gentle and not so difficult and aspieish. But he is inexperienced and is not able to see that, he still thinks he can change me. When he is not makeing complaints I can fool myself into thinking things are great and be very happy but when he sends the texts or makes phone calls or whatever it opens my eyes to the fact that he will never accept me or understand me and how foolish I am to think that things will be happy.