"You just gotta get yourself out there"

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Think about this for a minute. I don't think it's a very good example.

An alien would have never seen a cigarette, have no concept of smoking, etc. The first time I smoked I didn't do it just right, but I had some concept because I've witnessed people smoking my whole life. When I was still in the beginning stages of smoking my friends giggled at me a bit and corrected me when I was doing something out of the norm. I know we're AS and it's hard for us to figure out social situations, but you (and I) have observed social interaction for years so we have some idea of what's going on. If a girl offers you a piece of gum you know it would be weird to throw it back at her face (I hope you get that, anyway).

'You gotta get yourself out there' doesn't mean go stand outside and walk up to strangers and strike up a conversation. You'll have to get involved in some activities that allows you to meet people. Volunteer, get a job, get involved in your community, take classes at the local college. It practically forces you to talk to people, and if you put in just a little extra effort it might lead to friendships/relationships.

If you don't want to go out then maybe try online personals. Right now it's like saying "I really really want some milk, but I don't want to go to the grocery store."

"You just gotta get yourself out there" is actually excellent advice if you want to meet girls through friends. Going out to bars with that kind of attitude is not good enough, though. But really, bars are mostly terrible places to meet women. Getting good at approaching women in bars helps massively in meeting girls through friends (at house parties, etc), though.

Sound, Okay, I'll start off with this question: where does one go?

astaut, I don't really know how to use online personals. Also, you said:

In the previous paragraph, you seemed to have gotten it that I don't know where to go, but with that last sentence you seem to be implying that I do know where to go, but just don't want to. What the heck?

To everyone else who still used this thread's title as advice for me, did you not read the alien example? You just gave me a pack of cigarettes, saying "open it", and I mutilated the box (and some cigarettes in doing so).

I'll tell you what the problem is, you have to be on 'that' program of thought - naturally - that other people are on. I'm out of town right now, had an hour or so and got to hang out with someone I know from on here. We were at a bar talking this over a bit, about how we feel alien to the environment. For her it feels like anthropology, for me I feel like while I can relate to and understand almost everything going on around me - my motivational structure simply isn't built to pick up the ball and do what other people are doing, ie. while I can be social I can't spur myself to pick up an agenda and run with it - other people are simply doing what they want to do on instinct, for me I have no idea which way is up in that regard.

I think this is where you just have to realize - from a social butterfly to a social butterfly who's perhapse, for some reason, been sleeping in too late or been playing way too many video games 'you just need to get out more' is great advice because, once they get out there, the game will grab them, they'll migrate north like a bird or set down to hibernate like a bear - instinct will have it most of the way. If you don't inherently come built with a huge amount of instinct or, like myself and I'd imagine a lot of people here, have had enough complicating factors in your life where you need a lot more than 'hawt' to be interested in anyone, even a lot more than 'hawt' and 'nice'; its hard out there. Getting yourself out there will at least help keep your social game at least a little better polished, you may eventually just have that dumb luck where the right person is at the right place but, for the most part its unlikely that it'll happen.

Overall though I think the biggest problem we face is not a lack of social skills but just the esoteric circumstances of our lives and experiences, that'll destroy NT's love lives just as fast and just as thoroughly.

I see what you're doing here.

The problem is that I can't offer every facet of information, because much of it depends on you. I can answer that question for me, and I can offer ideas if given more info about you, but in the end, the final answer can only be decided by you, yourself. This is part of why the generalization, "just get out there" happens. It's also the same reason people say "be more confident," "be yourself," and other such generalities. Because for any of these potential actions, they probably hinge on behaviors and outlooks that are specific to you. There's a million and one potential details that might or might not fit you, so the onus of figuring out the mass majority belongs to the introspective individual. In situations where that individual feels like they're in a dead end, that's when to break out in-depth description, so that others' can have some basis to hypothesize from.

Sorry to give you that impression, but that's the idea I've gotten from reading other posts by you. All I was trying to say is that I hope you understand that you have to put in effort (what some see as a lot of effort) to get a relationship, maybe just to get to the point of meeting people you would be interested in having a relationship with.

Signing up for (most) online dating stuff isn't any harder than signing up here. I'm willing to bet that if you are computer literate to use WP then you could figure out how to register for a dating site yourself.

Here is how you sign up for Aspie Affection

There’s no need to mock me. I barely ever play video games. Along with my AS I also have SA (social anxiety), which makes the difficulty twofold. Social anxiety also indirectly (I think) gives rise to a learning disability.

[pulls out hair] You just told me to put a cigarette in my mouth, and so I put the whole thing in my mouth, and am now even chewing on it.

Hmmm… this also sounds like a learning disability.

Sound, I will write up an answer for you soon.

astaut, I know how to sign up for dating sites, I just don’t know what to say to other members - what would be appropriate at what time and such.

I agree. By "get yourself out there" they mean that you need to meet a lot of different people. That's hard when you have Asperger's. You are expected to meet them in groups. Even aspies who have mild social impairments, such as myself, cannot get the hang of group scenarios.

I step out side everyday and nothing happens lol. XD

"Get yourself out there" I interpret that as go out and do things like go to bars or clubs, join groups, go to the fitness center, go to karaoke and someone might hit on you and ask you out or they might just talk to you and you might keep running into them if you keep going to the same place and you two might eventually start dating.

That's what my mom told me about how people meet. She told me I was never going to find someone if I am always home and I need to go out more like join a ski club, go to Karaoke, join activities.

I’m not really that good at giving descriptions of myself, especially since I want to say that I’m very Aspergian and have very AS-oriented interests. But that won’t say much, for we’re all on the spectrum here. Though I’ll try like this:

Things I like: Being reflective, writing, piano, rationality, Japanimation, walking, hard sci-fi, cognitive science, philosophy, materialism, and other such esotericisms. Yeah, like I said, very AS-oriented and bookwormy interests. I realize that this adds to the difficulty. And the things that I don’t like are the absence of the things I like. Simple. I have no clue what else to say and notice that this isn’t very in-depth.

As for my personality, I’m on the quiet and withdrawn side of the AS spectrum. I hope this is enough to induce an answer.

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Last edited by MrDiamondMind on 14 May 2010, 4:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You mentioned playing piano as an analogy to dating. It so happens I'm a piano teacher!

My experience with piano is that I took it up under pressure from parents, grandparents, and a piano-playing aunt. I had to because EVERYBODY did. It was still my choice, so I ended up giving into it. I took for about 6 months before I quit

The thing is, I didn't quit because I didn't like it--I quit because I wasn't really that dedicated and I didn't really practice. I felt my energies were better used elsewhere. Turns out I still liked to play, so later on down the road, within about a year, if I heard something that I enjoyed, I found sheet music for it and tried to learn it. I got to be a pretty good pianist on my own. Later on I wanted to learn composition, improv, and playing by ear, and I realized that certain things I needed to know I couldn't learn on my own, so I started taking lessons from a different teacher (this was a few years later). I asked specifically for lessons in theory, but that quickly led right back to learning sheet music and playing recitals. By that point I had just enough information to improv and write songs--but I still had trouble "playing by ear."

Through college, I developed my ability to "sight-sing" music from written notation (singing from sheet music without having heard it first). I even learned how to listen to music and write the notes down (musical dictation). And I learned a TON of music theory that helped me understand why a lot of music sounds the way it does. I didn't realize it at the time, but it also equipped me to compose music in similar ways and I was later accepted into a graduate program in music composition.

The funny thing is with all that education and all the music I wrote, I still had problems precisely notating my ideas and playing by ear. After I'd been teaching a few short years, I joined a rock band playing keyboards and occasionally guitar. It took me a while to really get it, but after working very slowly with the guitarist, I learned what it was he was playing which, together with all I'd learned in college, helped me create acceptable comping patterns. After a year or two of doing this, I came to realize that so many different songs had common patterns. So even if the band started spontaneously playing a song that I'd never heard before or learned, I found I could "fake it" because I knew what to expect.

The main point is I couldn't "fake it" until I'd actually had experience performing with a band.

Now apply this to your current situation.

All the knowledge and theoretical understanding isn't going to help you in the end. I don't understand women and dating much myself, except, for some reason when I was a little kid, I picked up my mom's copy of "Redbook" when no one else was looking and read through her trashy romance novels. Sure, that isn't a very manly thing to do, and my friends thought I was odd enough as it was, but these kinds of things helped me understand a women LITTLE bit better.

But putting all that information into practice was a different story. Getting my foot in the door, so to speak, was easy. But keeping everything together was a different story entirely. And once actually getting INTO a committed relationship, well, then the rules changed. Actually getting practice in it was the only thing that taught me how to maintain the relationship. Eventually I got married and had children, and again, all the rules changed. The only thing that has helped me is getting into the situations, dealing with them, and becoming comfortable in those situations. Eventually, it's just a natural thing.

So just getting out there may not sound like very satisfying advice, but it's really the only thing that works.

Good luck to ya!

AngelRho, thanks for expanding the piano analogy and wishing me luck.

In trying to solve the ‘where to go?’ problem, I’ve made a short list of places that are more or less out of the question. They are:

Churches - I’m not religious
Bars/clubs - boring/requires too much social skills
Colleges - costs $$$$
Stores - my focus is on buying what I need and I’m never there for more than 20 minutes. If I start wondering around I’ll look suspicious

Can anyone recommend a social setting for me - a person with mostly unusual interests - with the hope of meeting someone?

If your social anxiety is particularly debilitating, then I apologize for underestimating your situation. I don't know much about SA, so I don't know how it can be managed or dealt with. But regardless of that, meeting people and networking still has the same demands. Perhaps finding new strategies to manage the anxiety is your first priority. Have you read any books on the subject?

Also, consider that if your interests are non-social, or aren't very 'marketable' (anime vs music, as a contrasting example), then you'll have to move past your current interests. Consider attempting to foster new interests, if there are no social options that include your current interests.

Fitness and the gym, perhaps? Two birds with one stone, there.
Live music? Are there any specific genres you like? Jazz, funk, blues, rockabilly, trip-hop, whatever? Unless the noise and bustle of a venue particularly bugs you, but there are also quieter venues out there too.
Any clubs for physical activities? Sports, or hiking? Even if it's primarily men, broadening your social network is hugely important, regardless of gender.
Volunteer work? Local schools, YMCA, firefighters, shelters, political activism, etc. It's all solid networking. Knowing that a guy is active in any of these things also tends to pique womens' interest.
Aspie meet-ups, for the same reason.
And I'm sure you've thought about anime conventions. It works out for some people.

With more feedback, and details, I'm sure we can find more info that may help your situation. However, you will still find yourself needing to stretch your comfort zone. If you have a solid notion already, then that may be enough to run with, in regards to 'where to go,' at least

If you...
-are unable to sign up for a dating website/personal because you feel you cannot talk to women
-are unwilling to participate in social functions that are outside your interests or cost any amount of money

I suggest you see a professional. Maybe they could help you with social anxiety/help you learn some appropriate things to say so you could interact with women in some form or fashion, in person or not. Going to a professional does cost money, though (in most instances). Getting self help books or books about dating/social skills at the library, however, is not. On a side note, I think you're going to have to 'broaden your horizons' here. I think you'll have to go to social functions that may not revolve around your interest. I mentioned some places you could go that you did not include in your last post, but I think you would find those out of the question as well.

I know you think female aspies have it easier than the males, but before every one of my relationships I went pretty far out of my comfort zone to meet my partners. I also have obstacles in my life other than AS that I was able to push aside while finding a mate/maintaining a relationship.