no genuine, intelligent guy would respect me.

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I don't entirely agree with Willard on this subject -- I still have a bit more faith in human nature, once it's been hit upside the head to get its attention -- but I must disagree with you here, musicislife. The only person who can truly fulfill one is oneself. There is no way anyone will ever find the kind of loving and respectful relationship they crave until they can offer themselves love and respect. Without that basic foundation, every relationship -- not just romantic relationships, but every relationship -- will have a power imbalance, since one or the other person (or both!) is looking to be given what they don't already have within.

antique_toy: You're a beautiful girl, and still quite young. I know you've met some real jerks in the past few years. Now that you have your diagnosis and can identify some of the causes of your difficulties with relationships, this puts you in a powerful position. Unlike most of the rest of the world, you know where your weaknesses lie and can take control to work on those points or to mitigate problems before they arise. My advice is to take the initiative, stand up for yourself and lose the jerk du jour. And keep looking. You've got a lot of living still ahead of you and somewhere out there is someone to share it with you.

I didn't classify anyone, and I don't make it my business to initiate personal attacks on people in order to tell them how I dislike them for not reinforcing my own opinions. At 22, I still believed in the possibility of relationships that worked and were mutually enriching. Things change. People grow up, and they often come to see that a great many of the things they once believed were the delusions of youth. I've never demanded that anyone else see things the way I do.

I'd say I'm sorry that my extra 30 years of life experience can't help save you from some pain, but I know that learning things the hard way is the Aspergian way - we can't help ourselves, so I'll leave you to it. I don't feel the need to convince you, I know what's in store for you, and your youthful arrogance in believing that it will all be different for you only demonstrates that you haven't come to fully understand your condition yet. You will never have the connections you're talking about because your brain is not wired to make them. It's okay, you don't have to argue, I know you disagree. You're a kid. I don't expect you to know what you're talking about.



If they were so fulfilling, why didn't they last? You 'grew apart'? How is that fulfilling? That's the antithesis of fulfillment. That's entropy. How's that gonna play out in a marriage? You going to have a few kids, buy a house and then...grow...apart...?? How fulfilling for you. Is that really what you're looking forward to? A series of 'fulfillments' that don't last? I can guarantee you'll find that. But that only proves my point.


Guys, I don't give a fig whether you agree with me, or what you think. You're as free to express your opinions as anyone else here, that's what forum means. But jumping on someone with whom you disagree and insisting that they can't have possibly learned anything about what to expect from a handicap from having lived with it twice as long as you have, that's not only disrespectful, it's less than intelligent. You know what - you're right, you're both absolutely right and I have no clue what the hell I'm talking about. Your experiences in life are completely different than mine could possibly have been (although you're both clueless as to what those experiences were), and your experiences will never in any way resemble what I've lived through. How could they, every Autistic person is unique as a snowflake, right? That pesky old brain dysfunction couldn't possibly cause the same issues for one that it causes for another. Hell, we all have free will, right? Brain wiring doesn't make your decisions and choices for you, does it? Of course it doesn't.

Carry on, soldiers. And best of luck to ya.

Hi.

Everything that you said regarding this current relationship screams "DTMFA" (thanks to Dan Savage of Savage Love for the acronym for "dump the motherf+#er already!") He is a user and very disrespectful of you. www.thestranger.com/savage

Anyways, I am almost twice your age, but gosh darn, some things never change.

When you meet someone (at an event, on-line, mutual friends - wherever) - communicate by phone or on-line, but make sure that you go on a few real "dates" before you engage in sexual touching (this includes mutual masterbation, oral sex and intercourse). If the fellow is not interested in you as a person - without the guarantee of a sex session - he will not continue to date you and get his sexual needs filled elsewhere.

If he IS interested in you - he will enjoy your company and non-sexual cuddles for at least a few weeks of "dating" (as in face to face meeting - going for walks, playing pool, watching movies, or whatever non-sexual activity interests the both of you). He will develop some fondness for you as a person and be interested in eventually taking this relationship to a more physically intimate level.

So, as my own dear mother would say - "for crikes sake - hold out on him. He can keep it in his pants, he won't spontaneously cumbust! If he starts to spontaneously cumbust - he can take a cold shower!"

As for your sexual needs - get a BOB (I don't know who came up with the acronym for "battery operated boyfriend" for a vibrator/dildo.) Check out my favourite womens sex shop "Womyn's Ware" right here in beautiful Vancouver. www.womynsware.com You'll find quality products designed especially for the sexual needs of women.

Also, if you still need to have your own sexual fullfillment with a real live man. Go ahead and have a relationship with a sex-buddy. No expectations, no promises - just a convenient relationship where you can each have an orgasm. Make sure that you use condoms and take care of your sexual health. Also, keep in mind that some more conservative guys would be uncomfortable with someone who is
okay with a casual sex buddy - if you are attracted to traditional type guys - limit yourself to the BOB.

In the meantime - when you meet potential romantic partners for a more fulfilling, well rounded relationship - keep your panties on and tell him to keep it zipped. He will either like you as the wonderful, modern young woman that you are or he will move on. The intimacy will be included in the relationship once the attraction, friendship and respect is established.

Don't think of what I am saying as old fashioned (although there are lots of people who think I am) - it is a healthy way of handling your romantic affairs so that both you and your partner(s) are happy and healthy.

They were fulfilling enough that I am looking for wife #4, and hoping she lasts until I die, just like I was hoping for the first three. Maybe I am a fool, but I am a happy fool most of the time.

Willard's advice notwithstanding, you really don't have to settle for being a booty call. What you need is a man as taciturn as you. Somebody who knows that his own still waters run deep will be more likely to think the same of you, rather than the opposite.

The catch is, the tactiturn man may not approach you. He's a man of very few words so the those words won't necessarily be "want to go out?". If you have been passive in the past and let the men come to you, that has selected for the bolder and more extroverted men. Not that all such men are jerks who are incapable of falling in love, but clearly the ones who have selected you on looks alone are not in it for the long haul.

There are about 1,000 threads on here where the men complain that the women never ever approach them and only the bold, confident jerks are getting women. Apparently, you are one of the women those bold, confident jerks are getting. What is the advice always given in these threads? Stop being passive and go out there and approach somebody. And I'm going to give the same advice to you. Approach the shy, taciturn man. Yopu don't need to use a lot of words. That's not who you are and it would probably scare him anyway. He might be AS. He might just as easily be shy, taciturn NT. But if you approach him very slowly (and maybe even quietly) you will be rewarded with somebody who doesn't mistake lack of words for lack of thought and...yes, this is possible,Willard...won't see you as just a booty call.

You are worth this. But the man who is right for you is probably afraid to approach you. So approach him. Quietly.

EXACTLY I do NOT like the tittle of this post "no genuine, intelligent guy would respect me." Those guys are clearly NOT genuine or intelligent. Genuine intelligent guys tend to be more afraid of beautiful women because beautiful women tend to not want guys like em. BTW I heard something on The Colbert Report the other nite about some research study that guys who are alone with beautiful women for a few minuets are more apt to have an increase in strokes because of a hormone increase. Maybe the smart guys are are more aware of that risk

Dear OP,

Wanna hang out sometime?

Sounds like you've had some bad luck in your relationships.
And that you have been....yeah...naive, to keep on letting the same thing happen again and again.

And i think there are others who are like you, bad at expression their feelings and thoughts and intentions ( thats often how it is for me)

And sounds like the guy you are dating now is only interested about the sex to.

Dump him and just live your life without dating guys for a long time or something, Use your time and energy for something more productive.

Jannisy's words are super solid. Her thoughts are sorta similar to mine: Examine who you are ending up dating, and who you are attracted by.

In my family, we're rather close. I've talked with my mother and sister, both single, about their dating habits and they both found themselves ending up with some real 'pieces of work' when they just 'go with the flow.' The guys they end up attracted to, and the ones who make relationship initiation most easy, very often ended up to be real d-bags. In response, my mother and sister have both taken to guarding a bit against the the things that typically get their attention, and by giving the more 'mundane' guys a bit more benefit of the doubt, and finally by being more pro-active themselves.

Guys who are particularly 'successful' in dating play the numbers game. They approach numerous women. Most of these kinds of guys aren't terribly self-less people. So by being pro-active, and maybe a touch skeptical, you might have better luck skipping over those guys.

...The ironic thing is that even though most 'players' are not the nicest people, less successful guys end up receiving advice to do some of what they do. =op

It's a confusing, convoluted realm, this dating game....

You've actually found a "diamond"? All i've found are cats gold, the occasional iron deposits and mud.. i rather throw my money away into a lake instead of dating...




Agreed. I hate that "game" someone invented. Why cant people just SAY what they want instead of acting like morons?

[quote="Ichinin"
You've actually found a "diamond"? All i've found are cats gold, the occasional iron deposits and mud.. i rather throw my money away into a lake instead of dating...[/quote]

almost agreed. ive never found a good one, alot of cubic zeconia, wich looks like a dimond and feels like a dimond. but when you find out its not a dimond all hell breaks loose. i like to think of dating as a war fought only with landmines and booby traps. eventualy your army will make it to the otherside but it will be hurt.

Because most people do NOT have Aspergers Syndrome. Being honest, direct & upfront with no bull is all characteristics of AS. Lots of women "claim" they want a guy with those characteristics but lots of guys like that get passed over because the women think those guys have to many problems & will not impress their friends/family. Why cant women be more honest & direct with they say they want & what they actually go for

Being "open and honest" doesn't guarrantee that there won't be some other reason -- say, mismatched temperaments or interests or sexual tastes, etc. -- that the other person rejects them. This doesn't mean that the person wasn't looking for an open and honest partner. They just weren't looking for that partner. None of us, male or female, are interchangable components.

I agree with that but I can NOT understand why women who "claim" not to want that bull; keep going for guys who are so full of it

By the same token, that means there isn't anybody that i "fit" with...