Is an Aspie/Aspie relationship good?

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I'm not sure if I have AS but I'd like to meet an AS person just to be friends. I like to go out but not in big groups. Plus it'd be fun to be able to really relate to someone for once (maybe).

I am currently in a relationship with a great guy who, like me, has Asperger's Syndrome. I think that two people with Asperger's can try and make a relationship work even though Asperger's can affect people in different ways and that can sometimes complicate things. All of my relationships have been with Aspie guys and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I like dating within the spectrum because unlike an NT, other guys with Asperger's can relate to you and understand what you are going through and can make very sweet and kind boyfriends (at least that is the case for me!). Hope this helps!

Clueless.

I think it's a good idea because of the honesty and straightforwardness.

The hard part is finding one with the same interests, level of education, and sex drive, who doesn't think I am some sort of sex-crazed bigot (I am a Christian and vote Republican).

I think so, but we don't quite know, since a study like this is slightly impossible.

I've recently discovered that I'm an aspie at age 23. Not officially diagnosed yet but am in the process off receiving an official diagnosis and have been told that mild to moderate AS is the most likely outcome. I suspect I'm high functioning because I can pass as normal in most social situations and have a couple friends, although they aren't very close. Everything I've read about AS has been a spot on description of myself. In researching AS for myself I have also read about the female traits of AS and coincidentally, my semi-ex-girlfriend matches that profile exactly too. I say "semi-ex" because we are on a mutually agreed upon break right now, are on good terms, and may possibly get back together. We have a great story... hopefully she won't mind my sharing it.

We met in a church youth group. I was visiting her church and first saw her playing bass in the youth worship band. She was tall, tom-boyish in dress and physique, skinny, goofy yet clever and very outgoing/attention seeking. I wasn't really attracted to her but I thought that she was a cool girl and interesting person. I started attending her church regularly because the people there seemed to like me and I wanted to start playing in the band. They had a great setup with a full sound and lighting system and enough musicians to have a two band rotation, so I auditioned in. She took a romantic interest in me fairly early on but that was unknown to me at the time. I took interest in her as a female friend who had a shared interest in playing guitar, something I had not encountered before.

Neither of us are introverts so we would often hang out together within groups of other friends. I was 16 then and had my license, she was 15 and so I would give her rides to wherever and we would have the best openly awkward conversations. I soon found myself enamored by her unique style and personality. I decided to ask her out to a movie one Sunday after church, and when I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie together she excitedly said yes but then also invited all of our mutual friends along. I guess I wasn't specific enough! We did eventually start spending more one on one time together, just going as friends to concerts etc. and we quickly became close.

This continued for a period of about 5 months, which we refer now to as our "fake dating" phase... no hand holding, kissing, or physical contact- just fun activities, conversation and shared interests together. When we did become an "official" couple, most of that didn't change except we occasionally held hands awkwardly until neither of us could stand it anymore and I would kiss her on the cheek upon greeting and departing. She is extremely ticklish so I had to be careful about touching because I could set her off easily. She did let me intentionally tickle her sometimes though, as long as I agreed to let her retaliate.

So that's how it started. We were high school sweethearts who went to different schools and saw each other on average about 3 times a week. We had a motto of being best friends first and foremost. We shared our first kiss together, denounced both of our high school's proms together and in general just had a lot of fun being goofballs together. We shared a connection and mutual understanding that I had never experienced before even though at times she could seem distant and apparently I could be equally needy. When I eventually told her "I love you" it got weird for a while. We had to have a very in depth talk about what I meant when I said it, then to my elation, she decided to say it back! That was a lot harder than I thought it would be though!

We had almost been "officially" dating for a year and I was about to graduate HS and then go off to college 2 hours away. Of course to her, that meant the relationship was over and she had also grown somewhat weary of my clingyness so she broke up with me. We resolved to keep our distance for a while but to try to maintain our friendship once the initial pain of the romantic loss had subsided. That summer it turned out to be more bitter than expected and since we were both still around each other at church and with mutual friends, the wounds were reopened and we both were sometimes outright mean to each other. It was rough for me to deal with as she was much better at being mean than I was.

My grandfather died that summer and my family took in my autistic uncle who had been living with him. My grandfather (possibly also on the spectrum) had left everything to his mistress (whom he was obsessed with) and she even wanted custody of my uncle. It was an ordeal that left my family drained emotionally and financially so we couldn't afford the tuition for the school I had planned on attending. I was also bitter that I wasn't accepted into that school's music program so I decided to stay at home and attend community college while working part time.

Since I was staying in town, about 6 months after breaking up we made amends and were able to rekindle our friendship and eventually our romance too. To quote Forrest Gump, "We was just like peas and carrots again." We coined it our Phase II. When it came time for her to graduate high school she chose to go to school 200 miles away but we decided to try out the long distance thing and see how it went.

It went surprisingly well believe it or not. We could talk on the phone for hours, several times in a week. I would drive down about once or twice a month and spend the weekend sleeping on dorm room futons and floors so that we could see each other. Then she would come back for fall, winter, spring and summer breaks. Even though we were physically apart we were able to maintain a great deal of closeness.

As we grew older, smarter, and more mature as individuals, it seemed as if there was something that kept us in sync with each other. For instance, we both denounced our religion at about the same time, even though we never talked about our changing views until after we both realized it had happened... to both of us. At the same time. How weird is that?

The original plan we had made in high school before she left was that I would get a 2 year AA degree and then transfer to her school. However, I didn't do well in college. At 19 I started a business with one of my obsessions and though it was a success, it detracted even more from my progress in school and I started flunking out of classes left and right. She on the other hand, found not just one subject she succeeded and majored in but TWO plus a minor! She had always been a straight A student and deeply valued her education. I was a better than average student that flunked algebra three times and was labeled a slacker/smart ass in high school and completely fell through the cracks in college.

After being together for 3 years since we started phase II, it was her sophomore year in college. She still had not made close friends despite being in numerous student organizations and the ultimate Frisbee team. So I was still her only best friend but she was frustrated that I hadn't followed through on my plan to get my transfer degree. Also around that time I became more needy because my parents separated and almost divorced. That caused some trouble but we were able to work through it. She told me very plainly what she expected of me as a partner and our relationship worked pretty great after that.

We really understood each other and could communicate well. We could disagree without arguing and it was a rare occurrence if one of us ever got angry with the other. Whenever we did get angry with one another we were able to resolve conflicts peacefully without yelling or getting too upset. Mostly we really enjoyed each others company and had a very comfortable relationship throughout her junior and senior years. We shared our first sexual experiences together and I eventually helped her achieve her first orgasms. Our personalities compliment each other very well. We were able to have plenty of personal space without the other feeling neglected. My strengths tend to be her weaknesses and the opposite is also true.

It has now been 5 years and I'm just now finishing what should have been a two-year associates degree. I almost didn't make it. She was the reason I didn't drop out of college. She never let me make excuses for myself (no matter how legitimate they were!) and though it took a long time, she convinced me about the value a college degree gives you in society. However, my progress has been less than impressive to her to say the least. Also, she finally found a close knit group of friends in her frisbee team (they are nationally ranked and were in the top 5 last year BTW). I was happy for her that she had made friends but at the same time it accentuated my own solitude and last year I fell into a deep depression that lasted from fall 09 through the late spring of this year. I shut down completely and almost never called her because I felt I had nothing to offer.

I was also depressed because I could no longer rock climb due to a shoulder injury that had gotten worse. Climbing had always been another obsession of mine and my primary means of exercise. I taught her how to climb when she was a sophomore and climbing together had become a very meaningful shared activity. We even worked at summer camps as climbing guides together, she worked at a girls camp and I worked at a boys camp across the lake. I tried to get into mountain biking but it got painful and expensive every time I fell and broke something on the bike. I couldn't run because I have bad knees. So I gained some weight and had trouble sleeping during this time too.

I was embarrassed that I didn't have a social life like she did and I was embarrassed that I had made relatively little progress in school compared to her. At the time I thought I might be bipolar because that is what my dad is diagnosed with and I had recently shared this with her. She strongly advised I seek help. I made a final visit to her school and apologized for neglecting to call her. She asked me if I thought I could be a good partner for her at that point in my life. I knew I couldn't and I said so and I told her that if she needed a break she could have it. She was in tears and I desperately wished my tears would flow as easily as hers. She reassured me that no matter what the outcome of this break that she would always care about me and that we would always be friends and stay in touch. So we worked out the logistics so that there would be no unpleasant surprises for either of us during the break and it has worked well for us thus far.

Upon returning home I was even more lonely and depressed than before but because I did not have her to lean on anymore I was forced out of my comfort zone enough to be able to try to make friends...and I have! I also got help and that's where it was suggested that I might have Aspergers. To be honest, I really didn't want anything to be "wrong" with me but if its got to be something, I'd much rather it be AS than bipolar. So I was relieved in a lot of ways. AS explains so much about the way I am and the way I was when I was younger. I realized that I don't need that many friends and felt a great deal better about myself.

Fortunately for me, my mom works for TEACCH, a state service program for people with autism and their families. What are the chances of that!? Now if you're wondering how my AS could have been overlooked with such a close tie to such an organization, you should know that I was diagnosed with ADD at a young age in 1993 before AS was a legit diagnosis. So anyway, I'm now in the process of getting my eval through TEACCH.


I've kept her informed about the current state of my diagnosis, she was relieved to hear that I'm not bipolar but I'm not sure how she feels about AS. I sent her some of the common links to websites, videos and articles about AS and encouraged her to read up on female occurrences of AS. I did not mention that I think she has it too but I really think she does based on my experiences with her, her family, and the stories from her childhood.

I can't say whether or not we will ever be together again romantically. I can say that if I could do it all over again I would. She has also said the same. We both grew a great deal and helped make each other better people. We got to experience what love can be like. We both gained a loyal friend in each other.

It really IS better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

It depends on the individuals involved. We all have different personalities.

Yeah, can be.

Most of my better buddies and a my better GF's have been on the spectrum.

A big yes from me.