Guys with Aspergers...are we a catch-22?

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I feel the catch 22 is in that an Aspie has all the tools to be an effective partner and romantic interest for any woman, but because of the fact that at times we are socially inept, we hardly get the chance to truly prove ourselves.

I recently had two health professionals confer and pretty much tell me that I do have the symptoms of Asperger's, which has been a very bitter pill to swallow. Now knowing that having it has been the underlying reason why I've had so many failed relationships, romantic and not, to include a failed marriage, I am beginning to learn that perhaps I need to change things up a bit.

I have the confidence and know both my capabilities and shortfalls, but the kicker for me has been trying to best figure out how to showcase my strengths in such a way that will make prospective dates drawn to me instead of being scared off in a moment's notice. I'm usually witty to a point where I end up losing alot of interest because I end up speaking over their heads or just come off as an elitist in how I talk. And then there is this talking in circles thing. . but anyways!

The sooner I can get this social awkwardness thing down, the better.

Randy

I think Aspie guys just have to pay a bit more attention to playing to our strengths and not contorting ourselves to fit what we think are social norms, it's not just women that can spot a possuer coming and it's usually a turn off. I find that I write better conversation than I make in person, at least the kind I make when I'm anxious, so I focused on internet dating and have been very successful there. When I have gone to bars in the past, I never went looking to pick up women, I was there to shoot pool and have a few drinks, anything beyond that was a bonus. I'd highly recommend picking up a "bar sport" if you are intent on going that route in meeting people, it's way easier and less intimidating to chat with people while doing something else since you don't have to be the center of attention, and it's inexpensive to space out a few drinks over an evening of darts or billiards.

In other words, I don't think we need to "fake" anything in order to be given a chance, but we do need to manage ourselves a little bit to appear in our best light, same as any other guys.

Difficulty in connecting with the opposite sex is a common issue for many people, asperger's or otherwise. I can tell you that we male NATs face particular issues when it comes to establishing a physical relationship that NTs will not. However, do note that as the circle of women with whom we interact expands, we have a greater chance of finding someone that can be aware of our needs and still desire to be with us. Defining your own worth by the attention that people pay you places your happiness solely on the shoulders of others. r_a_n_d_y frames the issue well. We have to look at ourselves, understand what are things we consider "shortcomings," accept them, and decide what things we want to change for ourselves.

As a happily married NAT man I can assure you that there are women out there who match very well with us. Try not to let your early difficulties in relationships prevent you from experiencing the wonders of a committed partnership.

Agreed. Everyone has a valid point here.

Religion, regardless or whether or not there is a god, should have taught the human race a lesson.

Life is a test. Why look at Asperger's differently?

5 years ago I was a social mess. I didn't make eye contact at all, I'd reply to every other question asked, "I don't know." When I did talk it was the usual monologues. I'm still not perfect. But I fit in. What small quirks do still show people notice and I notice that in return. I have friends. I don't speak in monologues, I make eye contact naturally. I can hold conversations. I can sense sarcasm. I can make small talk as well as conversations of depth. I can start up a conversation with a random stranger that I encountered at the soda fountain in McDonalds and have a 5 minute conversation (that goes from one of us accidentally getting in the other's way to talking about your mother's career choice that was brought up by her mentioning her own career choice that was conjured up by something I said that was causing me to be in a hurry) that ends when my order is called.

Why? Because for the past 5 years I worked in a grocery store. Trust me, there were plenty of awkward moments between my and my customers, but that's where I learned the trade!

The ultimate irony: A friend who has Asperger's is actually coaching me on picking up women. Why? The women give him their numbers. He got out of his comfort zone too. The difference is that by then I had lived the most of my life in the middle of nowhere.

I defiantly feel like a catch22 but I think some non Aspies do as well. One thing I've noticed is that women tend to dislike guys when the guys are single & interested in em but when the guy already has a woman or is not interested in the women; the women tend to like him. The catch is that lots of guys need to already have a girl or not be interested in a relationship with em in order to have a relationship.

I've been told I'm nice and everything, but I'm too shy and socially inept to talk to girls IRL, so maybe I am. Heh.

Tautology!