Those awful "Guys: here's what women want" lists

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Hector, what is a "school of negging type"??

i don't believe i'm misguided, but maybe i should explain myself better. advice about how to make one's intentions clearer, or how to better understand someone else's intentions, is good advice. advice geared toward helping someone act more neurotypical (which cannot be upheld without great cost to someone's feeling of personal worth) is bad advice. i think a lot of advice written for those with AS is incomplete, giving one ideas about how to present oneself ideally for a first date or job interview while failing to address long term issues involved with communicating fluidly with those different than you.

maybe the "bag of tricks" type lists could be helpful to someone if they could keep that in mind.

That's fine. I just don't want anyone to read from what you say that one shouldn't pay attention to advice.


There are certain schools of pickup artist who believe in the power of backhanded compliments. I've also read advice in an article someone sent me once that basically said that positive compliments were overused on attractive women, and that backhanded compliments would work better at getting one noticed.

a distinction should be made between advice for a pickup artist, and advice for someone who lacks social skills.

i failed to make that distinction and i understand where you're coming from.

That makes sense. *nod nod* I didn't understand all that stuff and didn't wish to participate in dating until I was 17.

Hooraay for being adaptive. I are the chameleon.

I remember seeing that book in the store.

There were over 311 things in that book that a guy had to remember. Why the heck should a guy memorize over 300 things, spend gobs of money, waste hours upon hours of time just for the chance at one hour of fun?

Could you elaborate on what exactly a backhanded compliment is?

my answer is he shouldnt, because that's dishonest to the girl too if all you're doing is saying what you think she will respond favorably to.



i think it's when a compliment really has negative intentions buried in it

Teenaged girls might go for the shy, silent type, but women generally consider excessive silence bad.

If you are too quite she will think that you either aren't interested, or are creepy. So it actually is better to open your mouth and say something.

You should read the thread on how not to be creepy because I illustrate in it the thing that all people with AS should know....how to tell when someone does not want to have a conversation with you.

That being said, you shouldn't just shoot questions at her. As a question or two and then back off a little and let her think of something to ask, or talk about something benign.

Things not to say....

"Are you a virgin?"
"Do you watch porn?"

"I just bought a new (insert name of expensive luxury/sports car)" If a woman does not find such a mentioning a turn off, she is to be avoided.

"Where do you live?" You can ask if she's from the area but don't press for specific locations.

FYI "negging" is easier to understand if you just translate it as "teasing".

Negging may be a form of teasing, but I don't regard it as exactly the same thing. Teasing may be of a playful, friendly nature, where the implication may be that "you're hopeless but I still like you". Of course it's way easier and less risky to pull this off with friends or relationship prospects who already have some idea that you enjoy their company. This isn't the case for negging, as far as I can ascertain.

Very good advice, especially on the quietness thing which I've always - and to some extent, still do - have some trouble with.

That said, just because people here might be very literal-minded, I'll add a provision to the last one: it's definitely OK to ask where someone lives if they invite you to their place.

as a woman, the things that i want in a potential mate are very simple. intelligence, honesty, sincerity, similar views, faithfulness, humor, and basic hygiene. its not complicated, guys.

as for the compliments... i think those are a GOOD thing, but i am probably thinking of them in a different way than what most guys immediately think of. no woman is going to believe a guy telling her that her shoes are nice, unless maybe they are doc martins or something and are genuinely cool. dont comment on heels, we know thats fake. dont comment on makeup or hair, thats all superficial and just tells us how shallow you are (ok, some women like this, but not the ones in my circle). it should be simple, sincere, and reflect that you have an interest in her. maybe you really enjoyed talking to her on the phone late at night, or you liked meeting her for a quick cup of coffee before you both went to work, or you had a really great in depth conversation about a book or movie. its GOOD to tell her that you enjoyed doing those things, thats a compliment.

never follow those pick up tips if what you are looking for is a long term real relationship. all those lead to is a messy break up down the road when either a) she realizes you arent who she thought you were or b) you grow tired of faking who you are. honesty from the get go is the only way.

In other words, precisely my utmost fear. There are times when I really wish we could communicate through mere emotion/telepathy. That way, I could be viewed as actually human, even though I don't talk a whole lot.



Aauugh. This is exactly what I was talking about in the OP: people tell me I can't go wrong with a compliment, yet these are the same people who then go on to emphasize what things I SHOULD compliment on. Talk about talking in circles...
For example, before you posted that, I would have thought complimenting a girl on her hair was a good, safe way to go. After all, it's the same thing guys tell me to compliment a girl on, and these are the guys who are now married.
What I'm saying is, I seriously don't mean to be rude, but the whole "this is how it's done" routine is exactly why I started this thread: I was sick and tired of it. It's these very dos-and-don'ts lists that make me feel like I CAN'T be myself, and therefore why I can't get a girlfriend. Why else would I be bottled up so much all the time? If it doesn't come naturally to me, I feel like I'm being fake.

how about this idea:

when you are with a girl you like, be conscious of verbalizing complimentary things you might be thinking.
remember that she may not know you are having positive thoughts about her if you don't say so.

speak those thoughts in your own way.

Ah, OK. That makes more sense.
I think when it comes right down to it, my biggest problem is the fear of voicing these compliments. If I'm interested in a girl, I have no trouble at all thinking good things about her (both her physical attractiveness and her good nature/integrity), yet I never know if it would be weird if I told her out of the blue how much I admire this or that about her. Knowing my past experience, I could end up blurting it out at a point in the conversation when it would come out a total non sequitur. And it's also sometimes trying to put those thoughts into words - natural-sounding words - that makes this so daunting. It is true I only need to speak these thoughts in my own way, but it's also true that these thoughts have to be coherent so others can understand them.

From what I understand, the idea is to show confidence and stand out from the crowd by not showering an attractive girl with the complements she's used to but rather tease her in a friendly/funny way. It strikes me as a high risk high reward technique, but then I'm not a PUA either.