So how do I get a boyfriend?

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Oh no I'm not downplaying her difficulties. I guess I'm trying to say her problems aren't nearly as bad as some of the guys here.

I can't know first hand, but I suspect that women with AS aren't ignored by guys due to some odd body language or eye contact. I'm a guy, so I know for certain that guys care very little about THAT.

AS girls must get approached by guys, but maybe they blow it off because they set their guy-standards too high. Just like guys with AS and their desire for naturally beautiful women. Except with women, the high standards go beyond just looks. (Men are the shallower of the two genders!)

Or maybe the girls are ignoring the guys' advances for the same reason AS guys aren't able to make advances: shy or afraid or anxiety attacks. At least with women, the guys come to them and initiate the introduction so there's a much better chance of success.

Well if you want to get a boyfriend there are a few advisable changes in my opinion:

-Females with as are generally know for wearing clothes that comfort her instead of following any sort of fashion. If you want to attract a guy you are going to have to start wearing clothes that can attract the opposite sex(small cleavage and clothing similar to the ones that designers make should help a lot in order to attract a guy).

-Secondly try to get out and meet new people everyday. You mention you are trying to find someone with somewhat similar interests to yours so joining some sort of club you enjoy could be a great place to start. The whole get out as much as you can may seem rubbish but lets face it no charming man is going to call you until you meet him and its pretty hard to do this at home unless you are into relationships that started on the internet. As toad mentioned trying to strike up a conversation eith a guy is ok as long as its related to what guys like talking about(heck I spent half the spain-portugal match trying to explain why it was so important to win to two random girls that approached me and I had a great time doing so).

-Last but not least dont give up trying to find a boyfriend if you have had no luck on the first weeks or so, its a very hard matter and it usually needs a long period of tiem but eventually you will find someone as you described in your original post.

Well I don't care much about clothing, but I do care about body language and making eye contact at certain times. So I'll say it again - we're all looking for something different. But the other two bits of advice spongy offered - getting out and being patient - are ones I generally agree with. I would say don't waste your time trying to cater to a theoretical male audience, but instead get out there and be yourself. The more you're out, the more men you'll have to choose from, and thus the more likely you'll find the guy who likes you for you.

As an aside, I don't think the "girls have it easier" comments are appropriate here. Obviously this is something she's having hard time with or she wouldn't have posted.

1. If you live in the countryside, get your ass out of there immediately unless you want to end up with a (t)hick. Larger cities can be accessed by bus or train - if you do not want to move.

2. Talk to men, if you expect them to do all the work and arrive at your doorstep, you will die alone. Love does not make housecalls. Some guys do not approach women because they think stuff like "Why bother, she's probably already taken".

3. Go on dates, try to be open minded and not let the cynisism fester.

4. As said before, dress nice, smell nice, but don't overdo it. Looking like Christina Aquillera may be ok when you are < 25, but not at 45.

5. If you have kids, dont expect men to run after you. Many people see kids as a financial burden and we will never be Nr 1 to you. It does not matter how much you love your kids - most men simply do not give a f**k. (And yes, i WILL delete emails from desperate moms that write to me about this, like i said - *DO NOT GIVE A f**k*!) Some men want a relationship, they do NOT want to become fathers. Ever.

6. Be willing to make sacrifices, both integrity wise and financial/social, you may meet one guy that is perfect except for one thing - start reconsidering your integrity if that is all that stants between you and a relationship. You can always break up with him later if you cannot stand it. And you may have to move to another city. Same goes for your job and circle of friends if you have 'em.

The most important strategy for many of the single women on this thread is to look fit. Weightlifting can help with that, even if one's legs are paralyzed. Being nicer, more friendly and less demanding is also a plus. Armed with these improvements, you should actually go out and approach men.

Note that I am not speaking from my personal viewpoint, but based on what I have been told that most people want in a woman.

I have also been told by one extremely ugly, skinny woman that all she had to do to get her first boyfriend was ask him, as a stranger on a bus, whether he would like a girlfriend. He said yes and they dated; she ruthlessly dumped him after a month. It shows that you can easily get a date if you ask for one, regardless of your looks and personality.

if you look acceptable and if you're not crazy then you can date any single guy. Just ask him out.

Guys are easy, believe me.

Her question is "So how do I get a boyfriend?" , not "So how do I get a morally good boyfriend?" or "So how do I get the best boyfriend?".

We are answering according to the question.


and I am pretty sure that Chronos is receiving pms from guys by now.

Well your expectations don't seem unrealistic, except for the "I don't want a relationship that features arguments" one. Every relationship will have its arguments, it's just a question of them not being too frequent. My question wasn't exactly about your standards, though. It was more whether there was something which made you jittery other than the obvious, e.g. you don't understand why men behave in a given way, so you don't know the best way to handle them.

I think there's been a lot of good advice in this thread, especially hector's post. The only way you'll know for sure, though, is to ask the guy out yourself.

While this may be true for some AS women, I have trouble accepting this generalization for myself. I do not get approached by men, the only times I have were in bars.

I'm totally clueless when it comes to guys even though in general I know what they want.

Here's a few pointers I can think of:

First find a guy who actually is interesting to you. Watch his body language, how he projects, if he seems different in a good way or whatever you think will be a pointer that he's like you in the right ways.

Intros - sorry, I can't help you with that, everyone's different. Being 'cool' in terms of having a good sense of humor or seeming self-assured helps a lot. If you can be a bit snarky - all the better.

Once your talking to a guy:

• Feel free to talk enough but, also be a good listener. If its a topic that you don't know a lot about but that he's passionate about seem interested in learning about it.
• Let him know that you have things you're passionate about too and be open to discuss.
• Have a sense of humor, be able to hang with him on wit if you can. A girl who can vibe on the level and who seems like she could fit with his group is a huge advantage
• Guys like girls who are generally a bit world-wise, I don't mean necessarily experienced in other ways, just generally not naive or overly fragile on certain fronts - it can be seen as volatile/brittle, much like how you may see over-intensity in a guy. So, be relaxed and try to have a decently thick skin.

Mind you this is a process of finding out who you want to be with, so if you're doing all of this and getting to know the guy and you start realizing that you just aren't liking who he is or alternately he may be fine but just not your type, don't necessarily be rude but let the topic wind down, tell him you've got some other people you have to meed up with or other things to do, and be on your way. If he does try to stop you for a number, give him the brush politely but still, do what you have to do.

If you do find a guy that you want to spend more time with or who you feel really resonates with you these are pointers for ongoing relationships:

• Just like he needs to show appreciation for you in little ways, show appreciation for him - its what keeps chemistry going. It seems like I've noticed for my own experience that its so much easier to give a lot back when someone else is doing the same, these little exchanges are major bonding glue for a relationship
• If something in the long run isn't working and it something that can be brought back in bounds - ie. he's drifting a little, take him out to dinner and talk to him about it. There's 'him' time, 'you' time, 'us' time, it'll be a constant slide into separating nature and both parties drifting, unless you formalize it and take some of the thought, guess-work, and room for rationalization out of it.
• Be a productive/constructive problem solver. Don't put the white tank top on, light up a cigarre, and start smacking him around, don't throw pots and pans or key his CDs/DVDs. If you do everything in your power to constructively problem solve, if you're clear on things and actually have proper sit-downs, assured mutual understandings, and the guy is just that bad to where you'd want to take the above actions - get out of there, he's not worth it and he's apparently doing things to you emotionally through his arrogance that you're much worse off to stay and take. Same advice to guys on that as well for that matter.
• Have enough of your own interests to where you do have a fair amount of 'you' time. It'll add more emotional fulfillment to your life and additionally it will help allow him the breathing room he needs. As a guy I can assure you - we need a certain level of autonomy, somewhat unequally to tell the truth. In relationships, if we want to be in relationships we do need to and should make sacrifices to that extent, its the right thing to do, however if its all taken from us it has a rather identity-gnawing/crushing effect.

All of that's pretty general, a lot of these you may already be doing right - this is just a lot of the stuff that I see most people I run into doing entirely wrong and they could fix so many problems with a bit of minor tweaking.

Last edited by techstepgenr8tion on 12 Sep 2010, 12:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You didn't post your age /eduction and your looks. An unattractive person should not use the same approach of an attractive person.

I know you guys think women get approached by men constantly, but that just isn't true, especially if you have AS. The truth of the matter is, NT guys get nervous about approaching women in public as well. I regularly go out in public dressed in a manner I think it nice. I sit out in the open doing absolutely nothing which would indicate I don't want to be bothered. I've done this a lot actually and have never been approached under those pretenses by anyone who was not drunk, married and older than my father, and it's even rare to be approached by those guys.

As for the suggestions to smile at the guys, well that only works when they are looking your way, which they never are. To be honest I think they go out of their way not to make eye contact.

To be honest I think it's quite frustrating for women, and women with AS inparticular when we hear guys talking about how easy it is for a woman to get a date because it's just not true at all. Maybe we can get sex easier but most women want a relationship a little deeper than that, and we become far less desirable after we reach 30. And if we want a family...well men can become fathers when they are 80 but women have until their early 40's at best.

When I hear men say that all a woman has to do is sit out there and pick whatever guy she wants, I'm reminded of when I was younger and my grandfather would ask me why I didn't have any friends. He eventually said "What, do you just stand out on the playground and they ignore you?" and I told the complete truth when I said "Yes, they do ignore me. I stand there all recess, and all lunch, and they all run past me without saying a word. They don't invite me to play with them. They don't invite me to eat with them, and they never talk to me in class." And he was absolutely dumb struck.

And now today it is not much different.



I was not turning anything around. I was being honest. I'm not compatible with shy guys. Perhaps an NT woman would be able to put up with them, but AS A WOMAN WITH AS, I DO NOT HAVE THIS ABILITY. I have a hard enough time understanding what people who are not shy want. Today I got my car washed and I was standing against a wall watching them wax it in the detail area. He started waving his hands and whistling and I had no idea what he was doing. After he continued to do this for a while, I thought he was communicating with his fellow workers. He eventually stopped and walked over to me. He was trying to tell me my car was ready. I suppose that would have been obvious to most people but not me. I was confused because they usually drive the car back to a car pick up area and the car pick up guys give the keys back. I don't even know how he knew the car was mine.

But as you see, I need someone who is going to be upfront with me and has better communications skills and who is more receptive than I am or the relationship is doomed to fail.



There is actually a fairly equal number of men and women between the ages of 18 and 60 in the US so for every single man there is also a single woman.

I consider myself nice but looking fit is completely beyond my ability because of a connective tissue disorder. With the exception of my face and neck, my skin tends to sag so I keep my arms and legs covered. I would have to take steroids and get as muscular as a man to fill it out.

I think your best bet is to get yourself into a non-work situation where having to interact with men is inevitable. If you are already interacting with men because you are already doing (whatever) together, that breaks the ice. Some examples are volunteer work (make sure it's not something done mostly by women), political activism (if there is a cause you are passionate about) or community activities like a community bicycling club or community theater. If you are already talking to men because of this shared activity, that gets you past the initial awkward "is it ok if I talk to you?" phase. Plus it automatically gives you something to talk about.

I have never met a boyfriend (or my husband!) just by hanging out in a public space and engaging in conversation with whatever men was brave enough to start one. At best, those conversations pleasantly passed 15 minutes of idle chit-chat. At worst, I was deeply spooked and quickly left and avoided the place until I was sure that "he" wasn't hanging around there anymore.

In my youth, happiest times getting to know men and now and then getting a boyfriend came from shared activities. I specifically recommend non-work activities because it can get really awkward if it doesn't work out and some places even have a policy against it. But if there is anything you can think of you would like to do with other people, that would be your best bet. You sure wouldn't be the first person whose ulterior motive in Saving the Whales (or whatever) was actually to meet somebody. If you meet through a shared community activity you at least know this is somebody with similar interests and if you meet through a shared activist cause you can know they share some values with you. Win-win.

It isn't that easy. I'm in college and rarely in my room, I'm always outside or doing some activity. I wear makeup and clothes that fit me well (that are in style). I haven't been approached in like...I can't even remember when.

ok you're right.