Why do people have sex outside of marrige?

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I certainly don't have the urge to have sex at all or masturbate. What I don't understand is how people assume you're less of a woman just because you're a virgin at age 21. Some of us want to enjoy life without risk of ruining it with STDs and unwanted pregnancy. Sex creates more drama in social circles and tears friendships apart. If you can handle it, great. Not all of us were raised with that luxury. I wonder how long it'll take for someone to criticize me for not wanting sex. *holds up flame shield*

Last edited by Erisad on 14 Sep 2010, 10:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

a lot of people in your generation seem to have this same perspective. my daughter (16 y.o.) and many of her friends feel that way. i happen to agree, but family and social pressure is hard to resist.



agreed!

It would be highly illogical to commit to a lifelong exclusive romantic and sexual relationship without first making sure one is sexually compatible with their partner. Now, if that's not what marriage is to you, then maybe it doesn't matter.

Sex is a natural human urge and a good thing. The whole don't have sex before marriage is a ridiculous thing made up by the Christians to prevent you from being a normal human.

I can understand the urge for sex as an adult or in college.

It's high school and under that baffles me. I never get why teenage boys are so obsessed with losing their virginity or have this innate fear of dying a virgin when they have their whole lives to find a girl. I wouldnt worry about still being a virgin unless you're in your 40s at the earliest but that is just me.

Teenagers at the age they are usually in High School's hormones are out of control due to the changing body in puberty. It makes them crave sex much more than an adult because of it. It usually settles down a bit once you get to college and puberty is over.

I had it because I felt like having it and I wanted to get rid of my virginity knowing I might lose my chance of having it. I wasn't sure if my ex and I be together for life and if I might never find a guy again and it could be years before finding someone else.

When I met my husband I wanted it but restrained myself because I wanted to go slowly and not be a slut. I made a deal with him I would have it in January and I did.

We always used birth control and condoms. I didn't want to get pregnant then. I wasn't ready for kids.

I don't think the question should be "why do people have sex outside of marriage?" (as in the institution of marriage), but instead should be "why do people have sex outside the bonds of love and commitment?". I'm not big on the belief that marriage is the only way a relationship can work; to the contrary, as far as I can tell it only serves to help with taxes and seems little more than a formality. But I'm not that big on all the casual sex that runs rampant in the (western) world. Sex is ultimately a destructive force, too often used as a psychological (or even sometimes physical) weapon. If you don't have a sufficiently strong relationship that can withstand sex, sex will ultimately destroy that relationship. On the other hand, if you do have that strong relationship, you can weather the negatives of sex and reap the rewards.

PS: I didn't intend to attack FWB, and they would be included in the "strong relationship" category. My problem is with one-night stands mostly (as well as rape, relationships where one party is using the other, etc). The whole "f**k and forget" mentality of western culture sickens me, and is the epitome of selfishness. It's not even an evolutionarily useful trait to want that because human infants are unable to fend for themselves, therefore potentially weakening the species if the father isn't there to help defend.

For me, sex only within marriage is an ideal. It's what you WANT to happen. Here are some issues I've faced in my own experience:

I was with a girl once for a long time and it seemed we would get married. We "played around" a lot, but nothing serious. It just felt good to be with her. What happened was nothing out of the ordinary--she was doing something I liked, and I told her if she didn't want to have sex that she should stop. Well, she didn't, and neither did I! And I think that came as a shock to her when it happened. It didn't stop her from getting me in the sack every chance she got, though.

The trouble is, though, once you DO start having sex, it becomes expected. There are no boundaries anymore, and it's extremely difficult to just simply shut off that part of your life. Some people can, but I don't think that's really the norm.

For a long time, we thought we were going to get married, and then things just didn't work out (for various reasons I won't get into). I was involved in a few sexual relationships since then, and when I went off to grad school I came to enjoy the company of a sweet, young, college freshman who was a virgin. I told her (honestly) that I cared very much for her, but also that being a few years older than her and being more experienced, sex is just something I've come to expect and that it's something she's going to have to deal with if she wants to be with me. I told her if she couldn't handle that kind of pressure, we need to stop the relationship right away before something she didn't want happened. We'd been dating for a few months when one night I didn't ask permission and she didn't push me away or say no. She could have; she'd done it many times before. But she knew if she stayed with me long enough what would happen. The really memorable thing about it is, even if she'd been scared before it started, she didn't move like a virgin. One virgin I'd been with before felt acted about as enthused about sex as a dead fish, and still didn't get into it even after we'd been together for a while! But THIS girl... She had a way of just surrendering all control and was amazing in bed from the very beginning--even better with practice!

So...

With sex comes expectations, and I don't recommend that anyone try acquiring a taste for virgins. They need to see the best side of sex, not the worst, should be handled with extreme care. The last virgin I had was an eager and willing student, and we already had a loving relationship before sex. Anyone deflowering a virgin should consider carefully how and what they do so they set that future expectation VERY high. Sooner or later, they're going to have some basis for comparison, and you OUGHT to be at least in the top 5!

The main problem with sex leading up to marriage is why people even start having sex at all. I think having to deal with the pubescent explosion of hormones is simply too much for any person to have to learn to deal with for a long period of time before succumbing to physical and emotional desire post-wedding. It's not fair, but that's the way it is. I have a pessimistic view of society and culture in general, and what I see with younger parents I find utterly revolting. The mindset is that "kids grow up fast enough, why make them grow up sooner than they have to?" I think that's BS. Kids grow up faster than we want them to, anyway. There's no doubt about that. Every time our oldest moves up to a new group in daycare my wife bursts into tears. But what THESE parents believe is that we should keep our kids young forever.

True story from my teaching experience: I had two girls, one I taught flute and the other I taught clarinet. They were very good for beginners, and I thought that things would work out wonderfully well for them if they went to a music camp over the summer, because that kind of thing teaches self-reliance, resourcefulness, plus all the attention from better teachers than me and private instruction from university-level teachers. These two girls were between 6th and 7th grade. Turns out they hated every minute of it. Why? Well, kids and parents will always blame the teacher first before they admit to any internal problems. The truth, it turns out, was that they had NEVER been away from home before, EVER. Not even longer than a one-night slumber party. My own experience was staying with my grandparents for a week at a time, going to a church camp in 4th grade and 5th grade, band camp EVERY summer since 6th grade, and ultimately spending two years on the other side of the country working on my master's degree! I was used to being away from home and LOVED it. These two little chicks cried every night when they were WAY too old to be homesick. Parents, kick your kids out of the house as early as possible and do it OFTEN. It's STUPID to force kids to grow up in such a way they never leave their parents' sight. This is the real world. Making them stay like babies forever does them no favors.

Kids grow up so much faster than most of us are willing to admit. And that means they have to deal with sexual pressures (internal physiological pressures as well as external peer and bf/gf pressures) a lot earlier than we like to think they do. It is NOT uncommon in places for girls as young as 9 years old to start having babies. My first job was teaching middle school music in a dismal school district. I had to be careful around one of my 7th graders because she'd gotten pregnant the year before and she was ready to pop by Christmas! Why does this happen??? Because kids grow up sooner than we want to think they do.

Solution: Kick kids out of the house, make them get jobs, and teach them what it's like supporting a family. Get all the necessary instruction in by Grade 9 or 10, and prepare as many as possible to get into college by age 16, NOT 18. Allow them to get married as young as 14, and provide a family support system that makes sure that the kids KNOW how and are actively contributing to their extended family group and that their own children are provided for. Men are unencumbered by the rigors of pregnancy, so they should be allowed in every way possible to complete their education first before women, and then husbands should work hard to actively support their wives when THEY complete their education and join their husbands in the workforce or establishing family businesses. Men AND women must equally share in the work of supporting their families and must actively encourage each other in pursuing their life goals. AND they have to plan for the future of their own children should they choose to have them in providing the same kind of family support system their own parents provided for them.

Old-fashioned? Maybe. BUT there are reasons this system used to work so well for a lot of people back in the day (the only difference is I don't believe that women should be seen as inferior to men--only different in certain obvious ways such as in childbearing and deserve to be provided for and supported by men in that role). It effectively eliminates pre-marital sexual immorality by decreasing the amount of time couples have to wait to marry. They are more energetic and idealistic at that age and can really ENJOY having sex and being with their children, plus they have the support of parents and grandparents in teaching THEM how to be good parents. With an extended family support system in place (parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles), you don't have to worry about paying for childcare while you take classes or train for a job.

Compare that to the status quo: Young girls having babies before they even CAN get married, don't know who the fathers are, and depend on public assistance (welfare) to provide their needs at taxpayer expense. If they do know who the father is and can prove it, that makes the father guilty of statutory rape. When that happens, he will have the scarlet letter of being a sex offender which will follow him through the rest of his life. He won't be able to get a good job, won't be able to live in a good neighborhood, and won't be able to properly support any children he might have. All that AFTER he's been sitting in prison for a few years. Meanwhile, the girl won't finish school, won't get out of welfare, won't stop having sex, won't stop having more babies (they get paid to do this, btw, through government welfare), and won't acquire the necessary skills to even BEGIN looking for work. How is this, on the part of men and women, contributing positively and constructively to society? It only perpetuates a very destructive cycle.

Embrace the sexuality of the young and support it in such a way as it avoids immorality and destructive consequences, such as dependence on welfare and unnecessary prosecution of 17 and 18-year old "child molesters." Trust me, the "molestation" is NOT unwanted, or the girls wouldn't persist in their behavior!

The alternative is mandatory chemical castration of ALL males 14 through 18, voluntary treatment as needed afterwards. Hormone treatments to reduce or eliminate sexual desire in men between 14 and 25 (end of college and formative years of career-building) should show a vast change more in keeping with societal pressures regarding education and job training. I'll bet you'd see grades vastly improve among males of those ages, since they're busier with their studies than with the opposite sex.

You wouldn't buy a suit before trying it on, would you?

Marriage is a stupid concept in itself, my friend. Asking why you wouldn't have sex before you've gone through it is like asking why someone would walk into a building before they have a mortgage.

Marriage complicates everything besides taxes and car insurance. f**k it, sleep around you know you want it! Feels great to me!

@ AngelRho I disagree with many of your ideas but I really enjoy your posts - you're a breath of fresh air.

AngelRho, the problem with your system is that western culture is immensely greedy and self-centered. You're not going to see parents and grandparents helping new teen mothers out en masse because they have their own expenses to attend to. Having more children is just seen as a burden to them.

That said, I agree with you on the topic of sex education to younger children. My parents gave me the whole lecture when I was 6. The problem is that sex is such a taboo subject (at least in the US) that there are so many parents that are finnicky about "protecting the innocence of their children" that they figure if they don't talk about it, it doesn't exist... which is what leads to all the pedophiles in the US becoming able to prey upon children.

So true!! ! Sex is such a personal preference in terms of how much one wants, and how. I think it is a disaster when two people go into marriage without at least a few "test drives" -- you may find that you and someone else are not compatible and that your expectations do not match.

Amen to that: Greedy and self-centered. But we don't HAVE to be.

Here's my biggest frustration about being a parent myself trying to model the kind of person my children ought to grow up to be: No one TEACHES you how to be a parent. No one tells you that, for example, because your toddler falls off a bed or couch and lands on their head that they don't need to go to the emergency room, just wait and see what happens and only go if they are not responsive or if they start throwing up. Things like that. Babies bounce. It's true!! !

I'm 32 years old and still making up parenting as I go. I'm doing OK at it. But I COULD do better if I had help. What does being a good father even MEAN? Now, a 16 year old father still well-connected to his own family can go to his father and say, "I'm sick and tired of changing my 1-year-old's diapers. They stink." The (grand)father can say, "Son, get back in there, suck it up, and wipe your boy's butt, just like I had to do for you until you were 4, and quit your whining!"

Or this: "Dad, we had a big fight today." "Well, son, go apologize to her." "Dad, I was right and she was wrong. Why should I be the one who apologizes?" "Son, it doesn't matter." "But dad..." "It doesn't matter." "But.." "It doesn't matter."

Yes, life is more complicated than that, but that's why parents need their own parents. A lot of things we're good at figuring out on our own. But good parents don't leave their children hanging, even when they have children of their own. And the best time for parents to teach their children to be parents is when they're still young and close to home. Make them grow up and they'll be better PEOPLE.

Sigh...

Why isn't the world like this?